Humor, Motherhood, Parenting

What to Expect When You Become a Mommy

When I was pregnant, I read a lot of material.
Books, magazines, pamphlets about what I should expect for the next nine months.
I shopped in the maternity section; I stocked up on folic acid; I bought sensible shoes.
But no one can really ever prepare you for being a mom.
So in honor of Mother’s Day this Sunday, here are my observations of pregnancy and motherhood that I would put into a book.
That will be in the back of the bookstore.
On the 80% off bin.

Baby in White Onesie

– Don’t watch the television show A Baby Story when you are pregnant.

– Don’t talk “shop” with your labor and delivery nurses. Using words like “station” or “bloody show” will just make them not really like you. And make you realize you watched way too much of the television show, A Baby Story.

– When at a play date, don’t start out any sentence with, “I make my own….”.

– If you had the easiest and fastest delivery in the record of deliveries, that should remain a secret. Only shared by those who were in that room on that day.

– You will wear your maternity clothes for much longer after you give birth than you expected.

– “You are blessed” differs greatly from “You are lucky”. Especially when referring to anything about your baby.

– Put a dry erase marker in your shower. Trust me on this.

– Pay extra for DVR.

– No one is going to know if your child was breast or bottle-fed when they are in college.

– Don’t be in such a rush for your child to talk.

– Or to walk.

 

Mother and Children Walks Near Body of Water

 

– Sometimes it’s okay for your four-year-old to safely cut her entire coloring book into little pieces so you can get a 30-minute phone conversation with someone.

– The shower will become your go-to happy place.

– Buy stock in the following companies: baby wipes, Resolve carpet spray, string cheese, hair ties, and Vaseline.

– Ice cream for dinner will make you mom of the year.

Magic Eraser was God’s gift to moms and will also give you another additional 30 minutes on the phone.

– Instead of saving for college, start saving for Disney World.

– Those ballet classes and soccer programs are more for your sanity than for their enrichment.

– Brownies and Us Weekly will become the equivalent of dinner and a movie.

– Playdates are proof that Satan wants us to be unhappy.

– Yelling their full name does work.

– Mother’s Day is the one day of the year that they will ALL want to be with you and you will want to be anywhere but with THEM.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you!

And to my mom, I love you so much.
Thank you for keeping me alive.
And letting me color on the walls.
And teaching me how to be a Mom.

17 thoughts on “What to Expect When You Become a Mommy”

  1. As far as I'm concerned, you are super mom. You are a survivor. Every good thing that comes your way is well deserved.

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  2. Brownies and US Weekly sounds like just about the best thing I could ever wish for right now. I read so much stuff when I was pregnant with my first and NOTHING with my second. So much better.

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  3. I can't remember the last time I watched something on TV live. Love my DVR! Very nice list. eBook it! 🙂

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  4. This is hilarious. Especially about the playdates. I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets anxiety over those.You mean I have to wash my hair? And look presentable?

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    1. Anxiety isnt even the word. I dont even shower for my hubs why for a complete stranger???? 😉

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  5. This is great advice for new moms!! I don't know personally, but aren't play dates really just mommies "dating" until they find a *true* mommy friend…one who you can sit around and drink coffee with… in yoga pants, and perhaps with unwashed hair??

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    1. If I could go to a playdate like that, I would be happy. So glad my girls have a new playdate now. Called school.

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