First published June 7, 2013
Admit it, if you had the chance to watch a 48 Hours marathon on CBS or a little nookie in the boudoir, what are you choosing?
AND THIS IS WHY YOUR MARRIAGE ISN’T IN A SLUMP.
When I was approached by Durex a month ago, it couldn’t have come at a better time. As if sent a cue from the Universe, Durex wanted us to work on our marriage. Our intimacy, to get us out of our “slump”. Or sell more condoms. That Durex, ever so thoughtful!
Of course, when Mike heard about this, it was the first time he got legitimately interested in my blogging “career”.
As a part of this campaign, Durex sent us this amazing box full of goodies:
We got fun things like a martini shaker, an aphrodisiac cookbook, “love notes” to read to each other, and even a gift card to get a couple’s massage at a spa near us.
He and I opened it together one evening, and we had fun going through all the free shit they sent to us.
But then we closed the box and went to sleep because we are parents and are exhausted.
I know what you are thinking, how on EARTH are you two in a slump?
We decided we needed to formulate a plan: pick a night where we could set aside time for the two of us.
Time alone to go through the box and use some items they sent to us to help us with the said slump.
No interruptions from the kids. No neighbors knocking at the door. No 48 Hours marathon on CBS. No cooking anything from the aphrodisiac cookbook because the last thing that is gonna put me in the mood is the food I have to make in my damn kitchen.
Let me set the stage for our romantic evening:
My husband had just come off a four-day straight 16 hour a day work week. It was also a Saturday, so not only had he worked 12 hours this day but I had attended (solo) two of Anna’s soccer games in 80-degree heat, mothered a five-year-old who woke up at 5 am and decided this was the day that she was gonna break in her new Pee-Wee Herman voice. I should also mention that Anna was at a sleepover this evening, but the previous evening she had gone to an open gym at the local gymnastics place and had a falling out with one of her friends.
That friend’s mom called me to discuss it at length on our “us” night, 15 minutes after my husband walked in the door.
So after I diffused that situation, we got the night started.
CAN YOU SEE WHY WE ARE TIRED?
We focused on two of the “sparks” they provided to get us inspired and trust me when you have been together for 11 years, you can use a little spark here and there.
More like wildfire but I mean, sparks work too, I guess.
We had a little trouble deciding between the idea of a massage (spark #13) or aphrodisiac cocktails (spark #7) Which’s also known as just booze, ’round these parts.
I was really driving the massage campaign home, but he just wanted to get drunk.
Guess who won?
We took our free massage oil, and I gave him a massage first since he lost his let’s just get shitfaced campaign.
About 3 minutes in, I was all,” I’m bored, is it my turn yet?”
And he was all, “No! Remember, YOU wanted to do massages.”
And I was all, “Yes! I wanted to GET a massage not GIVE a massage.”
And he was all, “RUB MY BACK, WOMAN!”
And I was all, “RUB IT YOURSELF, DAMMIT.”
They also sent us cards to help inspire us with helpful suggestions such as
(crickets chirping. softly)
Me- “Are we too stupid for these questions?”
Husband- “What does mythical mean?”
29 cards later and it has been established that we needed to be smarter to get out of our slump.
Back to what we know best:
We actually made a drinking game out of the cards they sent us. Every time we saw a word(s) we didn’t understand, we took a drink.
By 9:00, I was smelling color, and he was singing Garth Brooks “Shameless” into a spatula microphone.
I think we all know how this ends. Passed, out completely clothed, on the downstairs couch.
So Durex thank you, for getting us blind drunk, making us laugh hysterically, and NOT end up having sex.
Disclaimer- The items I shared with you in this post were sent to me, free, by Durex. Except for no condoms, which make absolutely no sense. I mean, we didn’t need them, but still.
"RUB IT YOURSELF!" Hee-hee(Sorry, Kari's Mom)
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Shannon- I know. It STILL makes me giggle.
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That was so cool! well done… I bow to your talent of writing about sex without actually mentioning ..
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Hilarious, as usual! Makes me want to go out and get a "box" of my own!!!
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Well that was a good laugh! :-)(I applaud you for making the effort though!! It's the thought that counts, right?: )~Miss you, friend! Hope everything OUTSIDE the bedroom is going well, too! : )~(My latest milestone: 30 whole minutes … 2.5 miles! Not sure which is more exciting!)
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Molley- Thank you! I bow to your talent of commenting about a post about sex without actually writing…..;) Jen- Aww yeah. Just give a shout out to Durex and maybe they will hook you up!
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Best. Post. Ever.
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hahahaha, vibes. i get it. my parents read my blog too – in fact, my dad ONLY reads it when it hits his inbox, he's never actually seen the sight. until I can figure out how to make certain ones NOT hit his inbox, I won't be writing a post like this.good for you for getting some! (free stuff)
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Oh, I just LOVE this post!!
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Oh, I just LOVE this post!!
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Reblogged this on .
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Hahahahaha!!!!
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It’s a wonder I never get companies to contact me anymore. Hmmm….
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I’ve yet to ever accept anything from a business that wants to give me things. I don’t trust their motives and I don’t want more stuff– but I will say you got a great blog post out of it, so maybe I’ve been shortsighted. 🤔
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Right? BLOG MATERIAL. For that, I am forever grateful to Durex.
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This is SOO funny. OMG. I am alone in my study blushing. Seriously, Coach is always in the mood and I am always tired or afraid to stay up too late if I have a big day the next day. Still, we manage.
With everyone home right now and not off with friends, I have found that the kids are much more apt to just WALK IN our room at night to ask us something, etc. I am like, HELL NO – you need to knock. So far no one has stumbled upon anything that would make everyone feel yucky, but trying to cover the bases.
The notes? I don’t get it. Totally would kill the mood because they sound so dumb. We are not into role play over here. Heck, if I drink I am for sure going to be asleep. Coach is a PT so I do get my fair share of back rubs. He sometimes complains that he gets no back rubs, but hey – who is trained here?
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Man, why didn’t Mike become a PT. 😩
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This was SO worth a reblog. You are really damn funny, Kari. And for whatever it’s worth, I kinda think laughing together is more important glue when you’re in the thick of parenting together than hot sex is. So I’m guessing you two are pretty solid. 🙂
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It made me laugh so hard when I re-read it, so I’m glad it did that for you too. ❤️
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Hilarious, as always!
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😘
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“This also looks nothing like a condom”.
This is hilarious! What were we thinking?
(I have a post about Poise bladder control….things. I did the post because a friend needed more bloggers to apply. Sadly, it is probably THE best sponsored post I’ve written. Sadly, Poise was not looking for humor.
It was a post about bladder control. They couldn’t see the irony in a funny post about bladder control, that’s their problem.
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Right?? This is exactly why I couldn’t write sponsored posts any longer. I like to make fun of life and that kind of writing is hard to mesh with selling shit. 😂
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You are so damn funny!
This sounds a lot like me and my husband too.
I cannot believe a condom company didn’t send condoms. I mean, come on! 😂
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EXACTLY!
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Easily the best product post I’ve ever read. I was so worried you were going to do what most bloggers do and shower the company and their products with compliments. I should have known better. It’s official, you are my favorite blogger of all time.
Also, my daughter walked up when I was laughing at:
Me- “Are we too stupid for these questions?”
Husband- “What does mythical mean?”
Because I was laughing out loud. I told her I was reading something funny and when she asked me what I changed the subject, lol. That’s a conversation for another time little one.
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Aww that’s so good. Someday, little one.
Let this blog post be the sex talk for her. 😂
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