Humor, Life, Marriage, Sponsored Post

How Kari Got Her Groove Back with Durex

In the name of finding distractive things to get your minds off of, well, everything, I found this post from long ago. In 2013 and after three years of blogging three times a week, I was starting to get offers to blog in exchange for a product. I was so excited at this prospect that I began writing for companies without being paid cash money. Just product. To be transparent, I have none of these products anymore and probably didn’t have them for long after writing this. But it was very exciting to me at the time to be contacted by a major company. A major condom company. That didn’t send me condoms.
Enjoy. 

First published June 7, 2013


So I mentioned to you in a post here about how my husband and I just celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary and heard from so many people about their fears and apprehensions over the whole seven-year mark and the whole itching thing. The seven-year kind of itch, not the vaginal kind of itch. 

Mike and I were doing good but kind of hit a little slump as of late due to lots of things: life, kids, no time together, finances, really good television what?
Admit it, if you had the chance to watch a 48 Hours marathon on CBS or a little nookie in the boudoir, what are you choosing?
AND THIS IS WHY YOUR MARRIAGE ISN’T IN A SLUMP.

photo courtesy of Durex

 

When I was approached by Durex a month ago, it couldn’t have come at a better time. As if sent a cue from the Universe, Durex wanted us to work on our marriage. Our intimacy, to get us out of our “slump”. Or sell more condoms. That Durex, ever so thoughtful!

Of course when Mike heard about this, it was the first time he got legitimately interested in my blogging “career”.

As a part of this campaign, Durex sent us this amazing box full of goodies:

 

This looks nothing like a condom

 

We got fun things like a martini shaker, an aphrodisiac cookbook, “love notes” to read to each other and even a gift card to get a couples massage at a spa near us.
He and I opened it together one evening and we did have fun going through all the free shit they sent to us.
But then we closed the box and went to sleep because we are parents and are exhausted.
I know what you are thinking, how on EARTH are you two in a slump?


Man and Woman Standing Face to Face

 

We decided that we needed to formulate a plan: pick a night where we could set aside time for the two of us.
Time alone to go through the box and use some of the items they sent to us to help us with the said slump.
No interruptions from the kids. No neighbors knocking at the door. No 48 Hours marathon on CBS. No cooking anything from the aphrodisiac cookbook because the last thing that is gonna put me in the mood is the food I have to make in my damn kitchen.


Let me set the stage for our romantic evening:

My husband had just come off a four-day straight 16 hour a day work week. It was also a Saturday, so not only had he worked 12 hours this day but I had attended (solo) two of Anna’s soccer games in 80-degree heat, mothered a five-year-old who woke up at 5 am and decided this was the day that she was gonna break in her new Pee-Wee Herman voice. I should also mention that Anna was at a sleepover this evening but the previous evening she had gone to open gym at the local gymnastics place and had a falling out with one of her friends.

That friend’s mom decided to call me to discuss it at length on our “us” night, 15 minutes after my husband walked in the door.

So after I diffused that situation, we got the night started.

CAN YOU SEE WHY WE ARE TIRED?

 

We focused on two of the “sparks” they provided to get us inspired and trust me when you have been together for 11 years, you can use a little spark here and there.

More like wildfire but I mean, sparks work too, I guess.

We had a little trouble deciding between the idea of a massage (spark #13) or aphrodisiac cocktails (spark #7) That’s also known as just booze, ’round these parts.

I was really driving the massage campaign home but he just wanted to get drunk.
Guess who won?

 

This also looks nothing like a condom

We took our free massage oil and I gave him a massage first since he lost his let’s just get shitfaced campaign.
About 3 minutes in, I was all,” I’m bored, is it my turn yet?”
And he was all, “No! Remember, YOU wanted to do massages.”
And I was all, “Yes! I wanted to GET a massage not GIVE a massage”.
And he was all, “RUB MY BACK, WOMAN!”
And I was all, “RUB IT YOURSELF, DAMMIT”.

 


They also sent us cards to help inspire us with helpful suggestions such as:

(crickets chirping. softly)

Me- “Are we too stupid for these questions?”
Husband- “What does mythical mean?”

 

29 cards later and it has been established that we needed to be smarter to get out of our slump.

Back to what we know best:

 

 

We actually made a drinking game out of the cards they sent us. Every time we saw a word(s) we didn’t understand, we took a drink.

By 9:00, I was smelling color and he was singing Garth Brooks “Shameless” into a spatula microphone.

I think we all know how this ends. Passed, out completely clothed, on the downstairs couch.

So Durex thank you, for getting us blind drunk, making us laugh hysterically, and NOT end up having sex.

Disclaimer- The items I shared with you in this post were sent to me, free of charge, by Durex. Except for no condoms which make absolutely no sense. I mean, we didn’t need them but still. 

27 thoughts on “How Kari Got Her Groove Back with Durex”

  1. Well that was a good laugh! :-)(I applaud you for making the effort though!! It's the thought that counts, right?: )~Miss you, friend! Hope everything OUTSIDE the bedroom is going well, too! : )~(My latest milestone: 30 whole minutes … 2.5 miles! Not sure which is more exciting!)

    Like

  2. Molley- Thank you! I bow to your talent of commenting about a post about sex without actually writing…..;) Jen- Aww yeah. Just give a shout out to Durex and maybe they will hook you up!

    Like

  3. hahahaha, vibes. i get it. my parents read my blog too – in fact, my dad ONLY reads it when it hits his inbox, he's never actually seen the sight. until I can figure out how to make certain ones NOT hit his inbox, I won't be writing a post like this.good for you for getting some! (free stuff)

    Like

  4. I’ve yet to ever accept anything from a business that wants to give me things. I don’t trust their motives and I don’t want more stuff– but I will say you got a great blog post out of it, so maybe I’ve been shortsighted. 🤔

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is SOO funny. OMG. I am alone in my study blushing. Seriously, Coach is always in the mood and I am always tired or afraid to stay up too late if I have a big day the next day. Still, we manage.

    With everyone home right now and not off with friends, I have found that the kids are much more apt to just WALK IN our room at night to ask us something, etc. I am like, HELL NO – you need to knock. So far no one has stumbled upon anything that would make everyone feel yucky, but trying to cover the bases.

    The notes? I don’t get it. Totally would kill the mood because they sound so dumb. We are not into role play over here. Heck, if I drink I am for sure going to be asleep. Coach is a PT so I do get my fair share of back rubs. He sometimes complains that he gets no back rubs, but hey – who is trained here?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This was SO worth a reblog. You are really damn funny, Kari. And for whatever it’s worth, I kinda think laughing together is more important glue when you’re in the thick of parenting together than hot sex is. So I’m guessing you two are pretty solid. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. “This also looks nothing like a condom”.
    This is hilarious! What were we thinking?
    (I have a post about Poise bladder control….things. I did the post because a friend needed more bloggers to apply. Sadly, it is probably THE best sponsored post I’ve written. Sadly, Poise was not looking for humor.

    It was a post about bladder control. They couldn’t see the irony in a funny post about bladder control, that’s their problem.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Easily the best product post I’ve ever read. I was so worried you were going to do what most bloggers do and shower the company and their products with compliments. I should have known better. It’s official, you are my favorite blogger of all time.

    Also, my daughter walked up when I was laughing at:

    Me- “Are we too stupid for these questions?”
    Husband- “What does mythical mean?”

    Because I was laughing out loud. I told her I was reading something funny and when she asked me what I changed the subject, lol. That’s a conversation for another time little one.

    Liked by 1 person

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