First published June 7, 2013
Admit it, if you had the chance to watch a 48 Hours marathon on CBS or a little nookie in the boudoir, what are you choosing?
AND THIS IS WHY YOUR MARRIAGE ISN’T IN A SLUMP.
When I was approached by Durex a month ago, it couldn’t have come at a better time. As if sent a cue from the Universe, Durex wanted us to work on our marriage. Our intimacy, to get us out of our “slump”. Or sell more condoms. That Durex, ever so thoughtful!
Of course, when Mike heard about this, it was the first time he got legitimately interested in my blogging “career”.
As a part of this campaign, Durex sent us this amazing box full of goodies:
We got fun things like a martini shaker, an aphrodisiac cookbook, “love notes” to read to each other, and even a gift card to get a couple’s massage at a spa near us.
He and I opened it together one evening, and we had fun going through all the free shit they sent to us.
But then we closed the box and went to sleep because we are parents and are exhausted.
I know what you are thinking, how on EARTH are you two in a slump?
We decided we needed to formulate a plan: pick a night where we could set aside time for the two of us.
Time alone to go through the box and use some items they sent to us to help us with the said slump.
No interruptions from the kids. No neighbors knocking at the door. No 48 Hours marathon on CBS. No cooking anything from the aphrodisiac cookbook because the last thing that is gonna put me in the mood is the food I have to make in my damn kitchen.
Let me set the stage for our romantic evening:
My husband had just come off a four-day straight 16 hour a day work week. It was also a Saturday, so not only had he worked 12 hours this day but I had attended (solo) two of Anna’s soccer games in 80-degree heat, mothered a five-year-old who woke up at 5 am and decided this was the day that she was gonna break in her new Pee-Wee Herman voice. I should also mention that Anna was at a sleepover this evening, but the previous evening she had gone to an open gym at the local gymnastics place and had a falling out with one of her friends.
That friend’s mom called me to discuss it at length on our “us” night, 15 minutes after my husband walked in the door.
So after I diffused that situation, we got the night started.
CAN YOU SEE WHY WE ARE TIRED?
We focused on two of the “sparks” they provided to get us inspired and trust me when you have been together for 11 years, you can use a little spark here and there.
More like wildfire but I mean, sparks work too, I guess.
We had a little trouble deciding between the idea of a massage (spark #13) or aphrodisiac cocktails (spark #7) Which’s also known as just booze, ’round these parts.
I was really driving the massage campaign home, but he just wanted to get drunk.
Guess who won?
We took our free massage oil, and I gave him a massage first since he lost his let’s just get shitfaced campaign.
About 3 minutes in, I was all,” I’m bored, is it my turn yet?”
And he was all, “No! Remember, YOU wanted to do massages.”
And I was all, “Yes! I wanted to GET a massage not GIVE a massage.”
And he was all, “RUB MY BACK, WOMAN!”
And I was all, “RUB IT YOURSELF, DAMMIT.”
They also sent us cards to help inspire us with helpful suggestions such as
(crickets chirping. softly)
Me- “Are we too stupid for these questions?”
Husband- “What does mythical mean?”
29 cards later and it has been established that we needed to be smarter to get out of our slump.
Back to what we know best:
We actually made a drinking game out of the cards they sent us. Every time we saw a word(s) we didn’t understand, we took a drink.
By 9:00, I was smelling color, and he was singing Garth Brooks “Shameless” into a spatula microphone.
I think we all know how this ends. Passed, out completely clothed, on the downstairs couch.
So Durex thank you, for getting us blind drunk, making us laugh hysterically, and NOT end up having sex.
Disclaimer- The items I shared with you in this post were sent to me, free, by Durex. Except for no condoms, which make absolutely no sense. I mean, we didn’t need them, but still.