Blogging, Humor, Life

Why I Will Never Be Famous

Writer McWriterson

The list is long and mighty.
Why I will never be famous.
For one, I don’t like high heels.
Or sushi.
And I definitely don’t own a Vespa.

California Maki on Dish

But I got an email last Friday afternoon and in a nutshell, the public relations person from Bethenny Frankel’s new talk show emailed me to see if I would want to come to a cocktail party in downtown Chicago and party with Bethenny Frankel.

The following Tuesday.
Four days later.
At six in the evening.
On a school night.

At first, I thought it was spam because why would Bethenny Frankel want me to be there?
The first thing I did was to email my friend Jen.
Jen is my go-to person for basically everything involving PR, writing a professional-sounding email, and also me telling her new words that we need to use.
Holy shitsnacks is the newest one.
Start spreading the news.

That will make much more sense in a couple of minutes. 

I forwarded her the email and said, “did you also get this email?” because they usually invite her to the who’s who events around these parts.

I get invited to openings of arboretums and Super Saturday sales at stores that I have never heard of.

Here is a gist of the conversation:

Me- Do you think I should go to that Bethenny thing? I would have to get a sitter. I don’t want to go alone. 

J- YES! 100 TIMES YES! Your snarky sense of humor and blog is WHY THEY PICKED YOU! YOU TOTALLY NEED TO GO! And you can tell Bethenny that I love her.

Me- I know, but it’s a school night. So I would have to ask Anna bc, my neighbor who helps me out is out-of-town next week. Why are you yelling?

J- DO IT ANYWAY. YES I’M YELLING! IT’S PRACTICALLY A PERSONAL INVITATION FROM BETHENNY!
It’s outstanding that they picked you. Your blog is right up her alley and similar to her sense of humor.
Me- I told her to add me to the VIP list. Oh shit, I sent a three-line email. Is that wrong? What do I even wear? Now I don’t want to go anymore. 

J- Are you comfortable in a dress? If not, cute Capri’s, heels that won’t hurt your feet and an adorable shirt THAT YOUR BRA WON’T HANG OUT OF. 

She is referring to this picture:
Me and Ree Drummond. And my bra.
Another reason I won’t ever be famous? I can’t keep my undergarments on the inside of my clothing. Or maybe that is a reason I should be famous?
Also, I don’t normally wear my bra outside of my clothing.
So the Tuesday night school night thing wasn’t gonna fly.
Had I gotten the invite just one week earlier, I would have done it.
I would have had a couple of teenagers who could have swooped in to help take care of things while I slipped out to have jello shots with Bethenny Frankel.
But alas, it was not meant to be.

Reasons excuses why I couldn’t go into the city and hang with Bethenny Frankel:

My nail situation is BAD

Excuse #1-

This was my nail situation as of Monday night, the eve of the party.
Do you want total honesty?
I was peeling the polish off my fingers over a bowl while watching Real Housewives of Orange County the night before I took this.
I lead a glamorous life.

I do love me some hard boiled eggs

Excuse #2-

I ate eggs the day of.
Lots and lots of eggs.
Eggs don’t lead to good things.
Especially when you are in a room full of women in downtown Chicago.
I got a coupon at the recent Blogher convention for those pre-cooked deviled eggs from Eggland’s Best, and so I sat on my couch with the bag of pre-cooked deviled eggs and ate all of them.
In one sitting.

Then more reasons excuses why I couldn’t go started piling up:
Anna had soccer tryouts after school; the train schedule wasn’t in my favor; Mike had to work; there weren’t any cute dresses at Kohl’s that day…..you see where this is going.

Hard boiled eggs will be the end of my fame circuit
So then my friend Jen tells me that Bethenny Frankel will be in her city signing books on the day of the party and that she is going to said book signing and that if I make a sign, she will show it to Bethenny.
Oh. I can make a sign. Signs are my thing.
So off I went.
To make a sign.
Then the doorbell rang and my five-year-old had her crying Ihatekindergarten daily meltdown, then I had to take Annie to two soccer practices, then I had to run to the store because I was out of ranch dressing (priorities), then I sat down for the first time that day and had two Gilmore Girls and three Housewives episodes to watch (again, priorities). You know, while peeling my nails. I am a busy woman. 
The sign didn’t get made.
I did, however, have a rough draft.
Always a writer.
My note to Bethenny Frankel
I have to tell myself to put on makeup. Another reason why I will never be famous.
Fast forward to the following Tuesday morning, which is the day of Bethenny’s book signing.
I asked Jen if she would buy me a book to get signed and I would pay her back.
So she bought two books; one for herself and one for me.
What I didn’t know is that at the signing, one of the many books purchased at that bookstore would be a winner of a trip to New York City.
So let me try to set the scene:
Yellow School Bus on Road
11:45 in the morning in my home is also thirty minutes before the traumatic arrival of Miss Shirley and bus number seven which transports my sweet youngest daughter to the torture chamber (also known as kindergarten), which means I am in survival mode during this time.
I was busy cleaning up lunch, getting Ellie dressed, playing interference, and tight end (I know nothing about football, I just made that up, is that even a thing?).
But trying to keep tears away is becoming my “thing” around here daily.
Suddenly my phone rings and I see it is Jen.
Normally, I would just let it go to voicemail and I would call her after my daughter got on the bus, but I hurriedly picked it up and said, I can’t talk right now but Jen says really quickly that Bethenny can’t personalize my book and I am like, “okay, why are you calling me about this?”
Then she said, there is someone who wants to talk to you, can I put you on speaker?
And I was like, can I call you later? Bus? Trauma? Tears? 
And she said, no. 
And I was like, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN NO??
Then I hear the phone being shuffled and hear, “Kari? This is Bethenny!”
And I also remember that I burst into tears spontaneously.
I am not a burst into tears spontaneously person.
And it was the ugly cry, only it was okay because I was on the phone so no one could see me.
The rest?
A BLUR.
I know I must have said, “it was an honor to talk to you.”
Who the hell says that? Me.
I think it was the stress of the kindergarten drama and me not being able to go to her party in the city and just everything coming to a head that made me cry.
Then Bethenny dropped a bombshell.
My friend Jen had won a trip to New York City to see a taping of Bethenny’s talk show, and she was bringing me along.
HOLY SHITSNACKS!!
SHITSNACKS!!!!! SHITSNACKS!!!!! SHITSNACKS!!!!
I KNEW that word would come in handy.
Bethenny Frankel is talking on the phone to ME!
Photo credit- Bev Horne/ Staff Photographer
Daily Herald

That, my friends, is Bethenny Frankel talking to me on the phone.

I made a famous person smile and laugh.
The rest of the day, I was in a haze.
And I was perspiring.
A lot.
And I am not usually a perspirer.

So I guess I am going to New York City.

Holy Shitsnacks.

What am I gonna wear??

26 thoughts on “Why I Will Never Be Famous”

  1. Yay! So happy for you guys! And I will never be famous either. I had to google Bethenny Frankel when I saw that you and Jen won a trip to her show. I guess I'm a little behind.

    Like

    Reply

  2. This post is a great example of why you are awesome!Only you would write about a blog refresh, peeling nails, eggs and their side-effects, and Bethenny Frankel all in one post!For the record, you sounded completely coherent during the phone call with Bethenny, and I only pray that part of it somewhere makes television because it was funny as hell.Thanks for being my bestie 🙂

    Like

    Reply

  3. I cant enter your contest for some reason… sad face. oh well. I stil think you rock and only wish i was a fly on the wall during all of this.

    Like

    Reply

  4. I can't enter your contest for some reason. It wont let me put in why I think I should win. Either way I think you still rock and i really wish i was there during said convo with Miss Frankel. Can't wait to hear about NY!!

    Like

    Reply

  7. I can totally see why you were picked for her cocktail party! She always seems like the kind of girl I could be friends with (minus that whole famous thing, ya know)! Maybe by having this book on my coffee table I could swing some new buddies to have cocktails with! 😀

    Like

    Reply

  13. While I eagerly await the reposting of Parts 2 and 3 I’m going to contemplate the fact that there are some people whose names we’ll never know but whose contributions to civilization are inestimable. Fire. The wheel. Liquid soap. The inventors of these things, anonymous though they may be, have achieved lasting a more lasting fame than any celebrity can imagine.
    What I’m getting at is that in the distant future people may not remember you coined the word “shitsnacks”, but they’ll still be using it.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  14. I am rather relived to know that I’m not the only one so good at making excuses that they seem like legit reasons why I can’t do something/go somewhere (and yes, I realize that 95% of the time it’s my anxiety doing that to me!).

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a comment