When I started this blog, I had no idea what the Huffington Post was.
Was it even in existence in 2010?
This is why no one asks me for advice when it comes to blogging.
This is what I have learned: apparently being featured on Huffington Post (HuffPo for short) is a good thing for your “numbers”.
Apparently “numbers” are good for your blog.
Apparently, your blog is supposed to “generate income”.
At least that’s what I have heard.
I wouldn’t know anything about that.
1- I am not so good at making “10 Reasons” lists.
I love me a list.
More than anything.
It’s why I write this way on the blog.
Lists are fun, easy to read and get s#%$ done.
But I am terrible at creating 10 REASONS YOU WILL NEVER GET A SPOTTED DOG.
I am noticing a trend at Huffington Post.
13 REASONS YOU won’t EVER FIND A MATE WITH THE FIRST NAME OF BETTY.
Lists are HUGE.
5 WAYS TO ENJOY CHOCOLATE AFTER HAVING A VASECTOMY.
This generation loves a good list.
15 WAYS TO END A RELATIONSHIP ON THE FOURTH OF JULY.
I am down with what they are throwing.
But I am not good at the whole Buzzfeed inspired list thing.
20 FAST FOOD ITEMS I DON’T GIVE A CRAP HAVE CHEMICALS IN THEM. I WILL EAT THEM ANYWAY. STOP BEING A BUZZKILL.
Maybe I should be the title writer for the lists.
2- I am afraid of mean people. Especially the grumpy old troll. Who lives under the bridge.
When you get published on “Huff Po”, BUTT TONS of people will read your piece.
When BUTT TONS of people read your piece, mean people swoop in.
Some people call them trolls.
They “troll” the Internet looking to rain on a parade, poop on a head, pee on your sandwich.
For the fun of being mean.
I don’t know about you but I don’t like mean people.
In fact, I hear so many bloggers say “I must have made it into the big time! I got my first troll!”
NO NO NO NO NO NO.
I do not want to make it big.
I do not want a troll.
Never would I be excited to have a troll.
I am too sensitive to be a blogger.
Maybe I need to go back to learning to needlepoint.
3- I am not controversial. Because of # 2.
I stray away from controversial subjects because I AM AFRAID OF MEAN PEOPLE.
4- I have no idea how to submit anything to Huff Po.
I have heard so many people talk about getting “in” at Huffington Post.
You need to know a cousin’s stepmom who worked with your sister in law in college.
During the lean years.
When they ate ramen together in Union Hall.
DOES NO ONE REALIZE YOU DON’T GET PAID AT HUFFINGTON POST?
Yet, it’s like getting into Harvard to get a piece published
That is too much pressure.
But if you have lunch with the cousin’s stepmother’s sister in law, tell her to call meeeee.
5- I am afraid of mean people. Refer back to #2.
6- I don’t use big words.
Like THUS or HAPPENSTANCE or SUPERMARKET.
I also don’t use correct punctuation, my sentences are either run on or the exact opposite of run on.
Which is like, what?
I am the person who is yelling at my computer screen when spell check can’t find the word.
I am the person who has to occasionally run to Google to look up words that people use in regular conversation.
I didn’t know what hyperbole meant until last year.
OK until last month.
There is a blog with hyperbole in the title.
And I am a grown ass woman who doesn’t know what it means.
Proof that I can never run with the “big dogs” of blogging.
Sorry to call big bloggers “dogs”.
Sorry to call famous bloggers “big”.
7- I don’t write about current events.
Partly because of # 2.
Mainly because of # 6.
Especially because of the whole hyperbole scandal.
8- My inner 10-year-old boy is preventing me.
If I want to be taken seriously, I need to stop talking about balls.
Or pooping because of excessive tacos.
Or writing about adventures the cardboard counterpart of myself is having.
But I don’t wanna stop doing that.
AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.
9- I don’t even have a # 9
I couldn’t even think of 10 things.
Hanging head in shame……
Refer to # 1.
10- It’s so confusing.
There are like, 10 Huffington Posts.
The original Huffington Post.
Huffington Post for Parents.
Huffington Post for people who like tacos.
I just made that one up.
It’s too confusing.
And then I get all sweaty and headachy.
Back to needlepoint.
So I am sure I won’t ever end up on the pages of the above but I bet if there was like a website dedicated to DIY bloggers who love tacos and don’t know the meaning of hyperbole?
I WOULD BE A ROCK STAR.