Blogging, Humor, Life

10 Reasons Why I Will Never Be Featured on Huffington Post

Writer McWriterson
This was my first (and probably last) post to go viral. This post was originally written when I was on the Blogger platform and at the time, I had Disqus handling all of my comments. Then Disqus got all messed up at Blogger, so when they migrated over here, they ALL said Kari on them. So it looks like I commented on my blog 47 times. I thought about deleting those comments but then I decided to leave them because it just makes this post seem that much more random. 🙂
Side note-Huffington Post has a contributor section that is completely different than the “news” section that you are probably more familiar with. This is what this post is referring to. 

First published July 31, 2014

When I started this blog, I had no idea what the Huffington Post was.
Was it even in existence in 2010?
See?
This is why no one asks me for advice when it comes to blogging.

This is what I have learned: apparently being featured on Huffington Post (HuffPo for short) is a good thing for your “numbers”.
Apparently “numbers” are good for your blog.
Apparently, your blog is supposed to “generate income”.
At least that’s what I have heard.
I wouldn’t know anything about that.

 

 

1- I am not so good at making “10 Reasons” lists.

I love me a list.
I do.
More than anything.
It’s why I write this way on the blog.
Lists are fun, easy to read, and get shit done.
But I am terrible at creating 10 REASONS YOU WILL NEVER GET A SPOTTED DOG.
I am noticing a trend at Huffington Post.
13 REASONS YOU WON”T EVER FIND A MATE WITH THE FIRST NAME OF BETTY.
Lists are HUGE over there.
5 WAYS TO ENJOY CHOCOLATE AFTER HAVING A VASECTOMY.
This generation loves itself a good list.
15 WAYS TO END A RELATIONSHIP ON THE FOURTH OF JULY.
I mean, I am down with what they are throwing.
12 SEX POSITIONS THAT WON’T GET YOU PREGNANT.
But I am not good at the whole Buzzfeed-inspired list thing.
20 FAST FOOD ITEMS I DON’T GIVE A SHIT THAT HAS CHEMICALS IN THEM BECAUSE I WILL EAT THEM ANYWAY, STOP BEING A BUZZKILL.

Maybe I should be the title writer for the lists.

2- I am afraid of mean people. Especially the grumpy old troll, who lives under the bridge.

When you get published on “Huff Po”, a shit-ton of people will read your piece.
And when a shit-ton of people read your piece, mean people swoop in.
Some people call them “trolls”.
They “troll” the Internet looking to rain on a parade, poop on a head, pee on your sandwich.
For the simple fun of being mean.
I don’t know about you but I don’t like mean people.
In fact, I hear so many bloggers say “I must have made it into the big time! I got my first troll!”
NO.
NO NO NO NO NO NO.
I do not want to make it big.
I do not want a troll.

Never would I be excited to have a troll.
I am way too sensitive to be a blogger.
Maybe I need to go back to learning to needlepoint.

Psst, I never learned to needlepoint, to begin with, but the trolls don’t need to know that. 

3- I am not controversial. Because of # 2.

I stray away from controversial subjects because I AM AFRAID OF MEAN PEOPLE.
NEXT.

 

4- I have no idea how to submit anything to the Huffington Post.

I’ve heard so many people talk about getting “in” at Huffington Post.
You need to know a cousin’s stepmom who worked with your sister-in-law in college, during the lean years.
When they ate ramen together in Union Hall.
DOES NO ONE REALIZE YOU DON’T GET PAID OVER AT HUFFINGTON POST?
Yet, it’s like getting into Harvard to get a piece published
That is too much pressure.
But if you happen to have lunch with the cousin’s stepmother’s sister-in-law, tell her to call meeeee. 

5- Did I mention that I am afraid of mean people? Refer back to #2.

6- I don’t use big words.

Like THUS or HAPPENSTANCE or SUPERMARKET.
I also don’t use correct punctuation, my sentences are either run on or the exact opposite of run on.
Which is like, what?
Runoff?
I am the person who is yelling at my computer screen when spell check can’t find the right word.
I am the person who has to occasionally run to Google to look up words that people use in regular conversation.
I didn’t know what hyperbole meant until last year, last month, FINE, last week!
Did you know there is a blog with hyperbole in the title?
And I am a grown-ass woman who still doesn’t know what the word means, yes I said still. I hate reading.
Proof that I can never run with the “big dogs” of blogging.
Sorry to call big bloggers “dogs”.
Sorry to call famous bloggers “big”.
OMG, NEXT!

 

7- I don’t write about current events.

Partly because of # 2.
Mainly because of # 6.
Especially because of the whole hyperbole situation.

8- My inner 10-year-old boy is preventing me.

If I want to be taken seriously, I am told that I need to stop talking about balls.
Or poop.
Or tacos.
Or pooping because of excessive tacos.
Or writing about adventures the cardboard counterpart of myself is having.
But I don’t wanna stop doing that.
AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.

9- I don’t even have a # 9

I couldn’t even think of 10 things.
Hanging head in shame……
Refer to # 1.

10- It’s so confusing.

Did you know that there are like, 10 Huffington Posts?
The original Huffington Post, Huffington Post for Parents, Huffington Post for people who like tacos.
I just made that one up.

It’s too confusing.
And then I get all sweaty and headachy.
Back to needlepoint. Kidding, I still don’t needlepoint.

So I am pretty sure I won’t ever end up on the pages of the above but I bet if there was like a website dedicated to bloggers who love tacos and don’t know the meaning of hyperbole, who can’t needlepoint?
I WOULD BE A ROCK STAR.

52 thoughts on “10 Reasons Why I Will Never Be Featured on Huffington Post”

  1. Worse than not being on Huffington Post is being on Huffington Post and no one read your article. This list is perfect. You and I are the same person. I also have a real aversion to mean (and creepy) people.

    Like

    Reply

  2. I've been published on HuffPost twice, but thankfully, there were no meanies in the comments.But since many of my friends then got published, wrote about fairly controversial topics, and got roasted in the comments, I got scared and never tried again. Because I can't deal with trolls, mean people hence I don't write controversial things and I don't use big words, plus I do run on sentences a lot. PS: I was never given the 'golden ticket' of 'blogger at HuffPost' where you can login and submit a post, I had to do mine the old-fashioned way, pitching! They just don't love me there.

    Like

    Reply

  3. OMG ALISON COMMENTED ON MY BLOG!!!!!Ok.I love you and that's all that matters.Said in the least stalkerish way possible.

    Like

    Reply

  4. I want to but I have no idea how to submit. I guess going to Huff post and pushing submit might be a clue and yet……

    Like

    Reply

  8. If I were more awake, I would submit the top 10 reasons Kari should be on Huff Po. Even this post is Huff Po worthy!

    Like

    Reply

  11. I've been wary of Huffpo and other sites until I went to BlogHer this past week. I learned if I want to "do" anything with my writing, I have to find an audience, even if there are mean people or folks who just don't "get" me.I just submitted 3 pieces to HuffPo. So, full disclosure.Also, I admire you for being so close to your core principles of writing for yourself. – Lance

    Like

    Reply

  12. This was the best thing I've read in a long time. I'm with you on all of these – (and for # 9 I'd include "I might be a little lazy") but pretty much the trolls are enough to keep me away.Plus, I am very busy eating tacos most days.Duh.

    Like

    Reply

  13. LANCE BURSON COMMENTED ON MY BLOG!Ok I know I am getting annoying.Thank you for your words, I have been struggling with "do I write what I always write?" or "do I write what I think others want to hear".Thank you for making me feel right in my decision.:)

    Like

    Reply

  15. I love meeting other taco eating people.The fact that you said that this was the best thing you read in a long time makes you my BFF.Thanks for the support!!

    Like

    Reply

  17. This is awesome. It made me laugh and smile and want a taco. I think you are a rock star, Huffington Post or not.

    Like

    Reply

  19. This is hilarious. I can see why Andrea loves you. You really do remind of of her. You also remind me of Hyperbole and a Half. 😉

    Like

    Reply

  21. Dude. Who needs HuffPo when they have you? Although I would totally write for HuffPo People Who Love Tacos. Honestly, I wanted to get on there because I knew it would give me an audience that my little ol' blog would never see. I don't think I got any page views from it, and of course I certainly didn't get paid. But I do follow the mindset that sometimes doing those little free things could result in something else down the road. Iss all about connections, baby!

    Like

    Reply

  26. I totally think you are a rock star. In fact, I like you soo much I will forgive you for getting that damn Dora song stuck in my head…you poopy fart ball!

    Like

    Reply

  28. I really need to start using "butt tons" more often to quantify things. Also, Butt Tons of Tacos would be a great name for a blog. Or a band. I love everything in this post, but you know I'm especially down with the 10-year-old poop/fart/balls talk.

    Like

    Reply

  35. OMG….love this lost…I am so with you on most of them..proper punctuation…big problem with me…I need to use the term Butt Tons, more…It make me smile! Hang in there girl…you can hang with us "ankle bitter blogs" as long as you want!

    Like

    Reply

  42. Loved this! I have been on Huff two handfuls of times and have seen no difference to my audience whatsoever. That said, I'm always buried on a page somewhere. Also, as more and more content gets piled on there with so many writers (all working for free), I'm not sure it's the big "honor" it once was in the earlier days. You clear have a kickass supportive readership already. Stick to whatever you're doing!

    Like

    Reply

  44. Late to the party, I am beyond thrilled that I found this post. Except for the fact that I almost spit out my coffee laughing at your "lists". Hilarious. And, also, true. Love this.

    Like

    Reply

  50. Because I live with Dalmatians I would be very interested in “10 REASONS YOU WILL NEVER GET A SPOTTED DOG” even if eight of the reasons had nothing to do with dogs and were about chocolate, vasectomies, sex positions, and people named Betty. Especially a guy named Betty, not to be confused with a boy named Sue.
    Actually if this were posted on Huffington Post that would be the greatest thing ever and that’s not hyperbole.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Gravatar
WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. ( Log Out /  Change )

Cancel

Connecting to %s