Blogging, Humor, Life, Nonsense

14 Reasons Why I Cannot Blog While Awaiting the Crimson Tidal Wave

You will be noticing a theme in my posts over the next week…
So someone in the original comments (which were accidentally deleted when this blog was migrated from Blogger) had said they thought this post was about Alabama football because I guess they are called the Crimson Tide? So I am sure that demographic was shocked by what they got when they landed on this blog. I don’t think this will be your cup of tea if that was what you were looking for, just an inkling.

First published on October 14, 2014


That means “premenstrual” but I didn’t want to write “premenstrual” in the title because that would bring readers I am not sure I want to attract. Of course, saying “premenstrual” three times in the first paragraph of a blog post is just the SEO (aka- search engine optimization.. it’s okay, I had to look it up the first time too) I needed to create to bring the above readers in droves.
SEE? THIS IS WHY I CANNOT BLOG WHILE I AM  “PREMENSTRUAL”.

Reasons Why I Cannot Blog While Premenstrual


I have a deadline and I am doing shit like this

 

1– I make graphics like that one up there ^^^^^

 


not periods AND shit; just periods and shit….never mind.

 

2– I want to quit blogging once a month, every fruit tootin’ month. Because I suck at life, at blogging, at creating a static-free laundry situation. My back and hips hurt when I walk, I feel like I have rocks in my bra, I have a dull headache, I just dropped my ice cream sandwich while walking from the freezer to my computer, I can’t form a sentence when talking to the cashier at the grocery store when buying more ice cream sandwiches, and I have stains on my shirt (from eating so many ice cream sandwiches). And you know who’s fault it is?

Blogging.

Because if I was a good blogger, I could afford to do away with my period altogether. Because I would be rich enough to buy the good menstruation crap. Or pay for a fancy European celebrity doctor who could wave a magic wand over my womanly bits and make all that shit down there disappear.

Did I mention I want to quit blogging?


 

3– I won’t ever submit anywhere other than my blog because I begin sentences with the word AND.
Then the self-doubt starts creeping in around the 25th of every month when the bloating and soul-crushing cramping and headaches also starts creeping in. And then it all goes downhill from there.
I write in small sentences for a reason, I reason!
I have a short attention span, therefore, sentences like this one I am writing now?
Yeah, I was outta there at the word attention.

WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?

I will read the hell out of someone else’s grocery list but a blog with more than four paragraphs is really hard for me to focus on, hence this writing style.
AND when you have this particular writing style, chances are you are gonna end up with some AND’S at the beginning of sentences.
Which is wrong.
And I don’t care.


4– I want a job.

And I don’t.
Outside of the home, I should add.
Because I have lots of jobs inside my home. 

Hey, guess what? Before all of THIS (gestures grandly at this small blog and the small children at her feet) I used to work full time, had nice clothing, and had this thing called disposable income. Sigh.

I wrote a post last month that went viral in my world and by viral, I mean two of my Facebook friends shared it.

The Universe listened and I got three interviews but they didn’t work out BUT I felt I needed to tell this to you because I whined in a blog post.
Going forward, if you hear me complaining about my self-worth within earshot of you, buy me a bag of Peanut M&M’s and tell me to shut up and write another blog post because it is my hormones talking, especially if that well-timed post is say, around the 25th-the 1st of the month. 

I really love being a mom, I love doing all that I do around here (except for unclogging toilets, no one warned me how much toilet unclogging there would be) and I love blogging so much. But once a month, that nagging feeling comes around. I really am lucky that I get to do what I do every day.

Pass the bag of M&M’s.


5- I listen to weepy John Legend songs and light candles while I blog to create an “atmosphere”.
And that “atmosphere” turns out posts like I talked about in #4.

Tell John Legend to stop writing songs like that, by the way. Who TF does he think he is?

HE IS SO DREAMY THOUGH, AM I RIGHT??


 

6-  My fingers are bloated so I have to use spell check 35% more than I normally would, therefore it takes me more time to compose a post, therefore part two, I have to eat more Peanut M and M’s.

To soften the blow.
Of the whole spell check scenario.
And I just had to spell check “scenario”.
Oops, I did it again! Oh! I just got where Britney Spears got her title!
This could go on all day…

 


7– Speaking of……

Two times a day.
Four times a day.
I may or may not have gone through an entire Costco size bag by myself.
During one premenstrual cycle.
PREmenstrual cycle.
Hour
Screw it, life is short.


I think pink is my color

 

8-  YIKES. WHAT IN THE FRESH HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!
And yikes is an underused word, don’t you think?
And just like that, I started two sentences with the word AND.
The word you are looking for is TALENT.

I am open to freelancing jobs. CALL ME.


Deep Thoughts by Kari Wagner Hoban

9– I become “introspective”.
And when I become “introspective” you get to read about things like my love for John Hughes and how that started or how I opened my front door with a visible nipple.
Or why I don’t know what hyperbole means.
Or the post you are currently reading.
By the way, I didn’t actually open the door with my nipple.
If I did, now that would be talent.

Side note- I had to google “what is introspective” and when it said “characterized by introspection” as the definition, I then had to google, “what is introspection” I AM NOT EVEN LYING.


 

10–  I start worrying that I will never get an agent for a book deal because I start sentences with AND.
Then I get all “WHATEVER” because the Kardashian’s have had like, 10 books.

“If they can get a book deal, then I don’t want a book deal, goshdammit”.
Then I am all, “how did they get famous anyway?”
Then I get all, “Oooh, do I still have Keeping up with the Kardashian’s on my Netflix favorites???”
Then I get all, “I AM PART OF THE PROBLEM, DAMMIT!!”


11– Because of #10, the movie deal that comes from my subsequent book deal won’t come in time for Bonnie Hunt to play me in the movie about my life because she is aging at warp speed.
How does Kathleen Turner look these days?
No?
SHITTTT.


Kathleen Turner did NOT age well. Just kidding. It’s me. Again. Playing with Pic Monkey. I’m still available for freelancing……

12– NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, MAYBE I DO NEED A JOB BECAUSE I START SENTENCES WITH THE WORD AND?
And I do have a Pic Monkey problem.



Grammar was never my forte. Or is that forey?


13– Did you know that Dairy Queen is open during the day?!
I do.
By the way, that picture up there has nothing to do with this.
This note sits by my mouse pad.
I have to tell myself this.
Grammar doesn’t come naturally to me. The secret is out.
You’re feeling a little like Dorothy when she unveils the “wizard”.
Aren’t you?
There, there, let’s go get a pumpkin pie blizzard.


Stupid companies wanting me to pimp them for free
This is an actual reply I sent. And you wonder why I’m known in the industry as “hard to work with” (I just made that up, I’m not hard to work with CALL ME)

 

14– I send email replies to companies that want me to pimp them out for free like this, IN ALL CAPS.

 

DEAR CHEAPSKATE,

 

DO YOU ASK YOUR EMPLOYEES TO “PLEASE TYPE UP THIS PRESS RELEASE BUT YOU WON’T GET PAID FOR THE NEXT TEN MINUTES WHILE DOING SO BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT WORTH PAYING FOR?” SINCERELY, YOUR CHEAP BOSS

DO YOU?
WELL DO YOU????
ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!

SORRY FOR THE ALL CAPS. I WAS TYPING WITH MY MIDDLE FINGER AND IT WAS EASIER THAT WAY.


Boy, I feel so much better now!
So glad I have a blog.
What DO people who don’t blog do to let go of all that aggression and negativity?
I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you?

“COULD YOU TURN DOWN THE BLIZZARD MACHINE, PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WORK IN HERE!!”

.

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