First published November 17, 2014
I know what you are thinking….. I dropped the ball.
On Flat Kari. Which would make her literally Flatter Kari? (Heh heh)
To be fair, I didn’t drop the ball.
I made a spreadsheet type list, I typed up an email to those who volunteered to take “her” for a few weeks.
I sent out the messages, stayed on top of people to get “her” to the next destination, I did maneuvering.
MANEUVERING. FOR A CARDBOARD-ASS VERSION OF MYSELF.
I have children and a home and a part-time job and a husband.
But then I got lazy.
My hosts would share the pictures on Facebook and I figured, hey if it is on Facebook, it is as good as a blog post.
Only, it wasn’t on my BLOG Facebook page.
Then I thought, I should write posts about these Facebook pictures because my hosts were going to incredible extremes to put pictures of me out there.
And I let them down.
Hanging head in shame.
Here is where “I” have been!
I started my latest adventure when my friend Jen took me to BlogHer in San Jose at the end of July where I met The Bloggess.
I also got shitfaced with my friend Julie.
The “handoff” apparently took place right before the keg stand above.
So I might have been a little hungover for the first part of Julie’s time with me.
I am told that I took some paper Advil and slept the whole way home on the plane.
Then I ended up at my friend Melanie’s home in Illinois.
According to Melanie, my hand “pissed off” her cat Monkey, not sure why, but it’s understandable as I piss myself off too.
But her other cats liked me. Particularly, Clementine.
They took me to The Cracker Barrel, which is great because I love that place.
This you need to know, I love Cracker Barrel more than what is reasonable.
I walk into the gift shop and I am 12.
OH! I NEED THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW ON DVD SET!
CAN WE GET SOME STICK CANDY??
CHUNKY CANDY BARS! I’LL TAKE 10!!
LORETTA LYNN SINGS SNOOP DOGG? WHERE THE HELL DOES CRACKER BARREL FIND THESE THINGS? (ah, yes I will take one of those as well)
2021 note- Cracker Barrel is one of my guilty pleasure restaurants, even though I haven’t been on the inside of one in over a year. I lose control of myself when I get inside. That sounds worse than I intended it to. I want to order everything.
Hash brown casserole? Yep.
Fried apples? Of course.
Eggs and bacon and biscuits and sausage. Why the hell not?
Then there is the gift shop. I’ve even bought articles of clothing. In a CRACKER BARREL.
Since we last saw “her”, Flat Kari has been in lots of places: all over the Chicago suburbs, Texas, Arizona, Outer Banks, Washington D.C., central Ohio, New York, and even Finland.
2021 note- Look at my dress! Maybe I got it at The Cracker Barrel?
My friend Allison knows all about product placement.
She should work for the government or something.
Speaking of the government…
She took me to Washington, D.C.
And she drew dots on my dress and shoes on my feet.
By the way, shout out to my friend Kari who made the above ensemble for me!
2021 note- scratch the Cracker Barrel theory.
2021 note part Deux- Friends who create fashion ensembles for paper versions of you are the friends we all need in this world. In addition to the friends who tote paper versions of yourself and take photoshoots.
Also, when I refer to Kari above, I am not referring to myself. It is my childhood friend Kari. I know. It is confusing to me as well.
LAST FLAT KARI POST, I SWEAR TO GOD.
I don’t dress like that in actual life.
I should, but I don’t.
I wear things like overalls and leggings with holes in them with 10-year-old fake crocs that I bought at Walmart to wear while working in the yard. But I wear them in public.
2021 note- I now see why my teenager was embarrassed by me.
I got to go to the Outer Banks with my friend Vikki and her family.
There are so many more pictures from this trip, but I couldn’t find them on Facebook when I went back to look.
So the only picture I have is the one of me above in their bag, ready to go.
2021 note- well the first mistake is that I am wearing a sweater to go to The Outer Banks.
I got to spend a week with Shannon, her family, and my spirit animal, Reeses.
By the way, that is the look she gives me every time she sees me.
And if I were small enough, I would totally spoon on her back like that.
2021 note- I adore Reeses. (The candy AND the dog)
2021 note- I GOT A TATTOO AND I DIDN’T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT? Way to bury the lead, Kari. Also, I am wearing only a bra now. My standards got lower and lower as the year progressed. Or higher and higher, depending on who you talk to.
I also got drunk and slept in a sock.
Which is the paper version of sleeping in the bathtub?
2021 note- Flat Kari is living my dream life, what the f***.
I went indoor skydiving…. with….. myself?
2021 note- that was quite fun. We enjoyed it immensely.
2021 note- again, Flat Kari is living my dream life.
I became a phallic symbol at an apple farm in New York.
2021- I am assuming because balls? I can only guess. Also? Look at my little jean jacket!
And I had a spa day with some friends.
2021- Dammit, I need a spa day more than ever.
My biggest adventure in terms of travel is the one I am currently on in Finland with my friend Eva.
As I am writing this, another Flat Kari is on a plane to Las Vegas with my friend Jackie!
2021 note- I stopped writing about Flat Kari before sharing my Vegas pictures.
Here you go:
I had fun.
Not everything that “I” got to do made it on the blog. Over the past six months, here is what “I” got to experience without ever leaving my home:
-Visit Johnny Cash’s home, eat at In and Out Burger, sit in first class on an airplane, touch a real cactus in the desert, go on a business trip for the first time, hang out with members of The Red Hat Society, go on a photo shoot for a magazine, go Irish dancing, meet a famous author, visit the Outer Banks, take a child to college for the first time, ride a train from Ohio to Washington D.C., visit Europe, and so much more.
I adore visiting new places. I don’t get to travel as much as I would love to, so through all of you, I have!
It has made my heart swell with love every time “I” have gone somewhere with you.
I have felt like I have been right by your side through all of “my” journeys.
Please forgive me if any of your pictures didn’t show up here over the past six months.
Thank you to all of my amazing friends and family who wanted to be a part of this.
I didn’t have to bribe any of you to take me; you welcomed me into your homes, your family vacations, business trips, and personal lives.
It was so much fun to watch, so thank you from the bottom of my paper heart.
2021 note- as a sequel, it would be fun to follow this up with REAL Kari doing these things. 🙂