I wrote this post a few months ago but wanted to share it because, well, because I feel the need to take you down with me on this pain spiral journey.
By the way, I had the weekend of my life this past weekend.
A weekend that will go down as likely the weekend that saved my life.
Dramatic, yes, but I think those closest to me, read: my husband, will agree.
It made a huge difference in me.
I will spill it all out onto a computer screen by next week but right now I need to process it.
Here is some more bitching and moaning that you can expect from me when I am going through a life change.
I SWEAR I AM GETTING BETTER.
So I started this self-proclaimed “asshole diet” a few weeks ago.
I am still an asshole, in case you were wondering.
I actually had a fit when my youngest took her ponytail holder out of her hair the other day.
Like, I had tears in my eyes.
You have NO idea.
Cried during the least sad part of You’ve Got Mail, lost my sh#$ when my oldest told me that she was possibly thinking of not trying out for cheer next year, literally growled at the Windex bottle when it sprayed all over my shirt.
This past couple of weeks has been trying, to say the least.
So this is what I can’t have: food.
Noooooo, THIS is what I can’t have: soy products, MSG, caffeine, chocolate, onions, citrus, cheese, freshly baked bakery items DONUTS, chocolate, wine, hot dogs, lunch meat, did I say chocolate?
The list goes on and on and on and it doesn’t get better.
It is horrid.
I need to eliminate all of the above for two-four months then reintroduce them one by one to see which are my headache triggers.
Oh, and I am avoiding medication at all costs too.
I hope I still have friends and family by the end of March.
In the effort to get pain free, I need to have things that are essential to my being and that keeps me from killing off everyone in my path.
And those “things” are sweets.
I need sweets.
If sugar was on the above list, I would just go ask the doctor to put me into a coma to ride out my rebound headache/ trigger reduction.
Or ask to be put on medical marijuana.
I’m still holding out for that one
A few weeks ago, I did something I never thought I would ever do.
I made…wait for it….marshmallows!
I CAN’T STAND MYSELF!
I found the recipe on Pinterest and made them.
It was so easy and they taste pretty good.
Not as good as the chemical shitstorm that is store bought but good enough.
Look at how pretty they look on the whimsical blue plate?!?!
I basically ripped them out of the pan because of HELLO ASSHOLE DIET but you could use cookie cutters to make them all Pinterest-y too.
So after making the homemade marshmallows, I decided that I wanted to make healthy chemical sh$#storm free Rice Krispie treats.
Nothing says MMMM EAT ME, like comfort food snacks ruined by health nuts.
But I was convinced that I could do this!
So off to the store to find a chemical sh$#storm free version of Rice Krispie treats.
Puffed Rice is a lot better sounding than it is tasting for a reference point.
If you add a tablespoon of sugar and some fruit, I am sure it would taste better.
I was not ever born to be a healthy person, in nature.
I need sugar to exist, I don’t care how bad it is for me.
I would rather shave five years off my life than go without sugar.
So I basically followed the recipe for traditional Rice Krispie treats only with my “healthier” items.
I used a couple of handfuls of my homemade marshmallows, our rice puffs, and a few tablespoons of butter.
Melted the butter and marshmallows then added the rice puffs.
The consistency was a lot less sticky than the original recipe and it felt softer if that makes sense.
I put it in a buttered 9 x 13 pan and let it sit for a couple of hours.
I tried it later that evening and it was different.
Not too much like the original but not as gross as I thought it was going to be.
It was……pretty good!
Not delicious but really okay!
I ate a few pieces but realized that some things are just not as good as the original.
No matter how hard you try to make things healthy, sometimes it’s just better to eat less healthy things in moderation.
The moral- you will eat anything put in front of you when you are an asshole.