When Life Hands You Lemons, Throw Them at Your Computer

This part two of last weeks reblog is going to be as long as the post itself. When I was rejected from the book It’s Really 10 Months, I had some feelings about it, as you are about to read. I won’t explain the post because you can read it below but I am apologizing here ahead of it because I didn’t really thoughtfully digest the email the authors sent to me before kind of slamming them in my blog. I will write notes within the post addressing certain things as it is easier that way.

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Also, the comments I received on the original post didn’t migrate with my blog transfer. I got a lot of comments on this post in my defense and not in my defense. But I didn’t want anyone to think I deleted them on purpose, I swear I didn’t. I wasn’t in that much of an estrogen-induced hissy fit. 😉

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This was written when I was a few months into my perimenopause journey and my rage was at its peak. Rage is the only way to describe how I was feeling at times internally. Rage then deep depression then rage, over and over again. I now know that it was the extreme estrogen highs and lows that my body was riding without the intervention of hormone therapy, which I couldn’t tolerate because I am not a candidate. I am defending myself a bit but that is the only way I know how to at this point.

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So to the authors of this anthology, I am truly sorry. My submission was not at all worthy of being in your book and you were wise in turning it down. It was just a really exciting moment that I wanted to be a part of and now looking back on it, I realize it just wasn’t my time. As an author who is now writing her own book for the first time, I understand how much work goes into writing a book and how much pride you take in creating that, and when you put your name on the cover, you want it to reflect your hard work. So in hindsight, I completely understand why you turned down my submission.

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I was wrong for not reaching out to the authors and going for the paid offer on their blog, which you will see below. I should have taken that opportunity to further myself, instead of wallowing in self-pity. I am also five years more confident in myself, something that my menopause journey has also opened my eyes to as well.

 

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First published June 22, 2015

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I say I am going to quit blogging on a weekly basis to my husband and he always has to talk me down off the proverbial ledge.
But I do threaten it.
I can’t stand threatening it because it makes me actually have to think about not having blogging in my life and I don’t like having to think about not having it in my life because I love to write.
I might not be all that good at it in that I am not great at the word counts, the details, punctuation, the grammar.
But I have a hell of an amazing army of followers here at A Grace Full Life who I would miss the crap out of if I stopped doing it.
I love writing for you but honestly, I would also miss writing for myself.

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I write selfishly, most days, to get the ugly out of my soul.
It eats at me and to make me a better person, I need to write.
I fear I would become a very ugly human being if I stopped cold turkey.

But every once in a while, the ugly monster rears its head and it whispers to me, “you aren’t good enough“.
Today, it whispered to me after I received this email:

 

Hi Kari – we regret that we will not be able to publish your story in our upcoming book. After review by and discussion with the editor, we felt we were too heavy on delivery stories. We very much appreciate your submission and are sorry that we are unable to continue working with you on this project!
If you’d like to whittle down the essay to about 800 words we will certainly consider it for a paid guest post on our blog.

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*2020 note- I should have said, thank you for this opportunity, why yes, I would love to edit it down and do the paid guest post on your blog! Any kind of opportunity to hone your work by actual AUTHORS should have never been turned down. But I was too busy crying over lemons and standing on proverbial ledges. SEE WHAT ESTROGEN CAN DO?

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This book was “the” book I shared with all of you.
The one I was so excited about.
The one I was told to share, post on Facebook, tweet, about, etc..
The one I thought was a done deal.
I had been bonding with my fellow contributors for the past few months in a private Facebook group when all of a sudden this email arrived in my inbox.
When I went to the Facebook group after the email arrived, I had been removed without me knowing.

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*2020 note- the silent removal from the facebook (no capital f still remember?) group is kind of shifty but I get it, nonetheless. 

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I likened it to being in love with your boyfriend, getting broken up with, and not at all seeing it coming.

I was in complete and utter shock.
With tears streaming down my face, I sent a shell-shocked (and most likely non-rational) response saying things like “I feel like I was kicked out of the project” and “what do I even tell my readers??”

2020 note- Holy shit, the dramatics…..

To which they responded:

 

Please know this decision did not come lightly or quickly. We went round and round about this not only with each other but with our editor. The piece needs heavy editing in content and we just couldn’t make it work within the other pieces.
As far as your followers, we will leave that up to you. We realize you will need to do what is best for you and your audience. We certainly don’t consider you being “kicked out of the project” and would never say as such. Ultimately your piece didn’t work in the final draft. That is our call, not anything you did or didn’t do with your writing. We certainly hope to maintain a professional relationship.
Your work remains your property and is attached.

There are many thoughts I have had since I received this email.
I have edited this post over and over since receiving it.
The first one is this: I am upset that I asked all of you to pre-order a book that you thought I would be in.
I am sorry about that, I guess I didn’t read the fine print.
WAS there fine print?? (2020 note- I am sure there wasn’t)

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I don’t even know??? I am so new to any of this.
I assumed that I would make the final cut, in fact, I didn’t know that there would be no possibility of me not making the book at all.
I would not think that they would tell me to tell all of my friends and family and my amazing readers about this cool opportunity for me.
Then, in turn, share the chance for you to pre-order a book that you think your family member/friend is going to be in and come to find out oh, by the way, oopsies, she won’t be in the book. NO SOUP FOR YOU!
I think that is a shitty thing to do.
Sorry, it really is.

*2020 note- I think that is where most of this post was coming from. That I asked my readers to buy a book that I thought I would be in and then I wasn’t going to be in the book. That is kind of shitty. And I don’t have any estrogen in my body as I am writing this. 

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If you don’t think it can’t be edited to fit, then let’s do this: DON’T SHARE THE NEWS UNTIL ALL THE EDITS ARE DONE.
I am a simpleton. (2020 note- I still am)
I am not a professional by any sense of the word as are a lot of the others who got into this book.
So this was my “big break”.
I was really excited and so were my family, close friends, and a lot of my readers as well.
So you not only screwed me over, you screwed them over as well.

So here is the kicker.
After the dust settled and I got my piece back and read it?
I looked at it as if it wasn’t as good as I thought it was originally.
It was like I was looking at it with a different set of eyes, this piece that I was so proud of months ago when I submitted it, all of a sudden was disgusting.
Oh, wait, and did I mention that I also got turned down by another major website on the exact same day that I found out that I didn’t get into the book that I was told I was definitely in?

*2020 note- I don’t even remember the “major” website. So I am sure it’s now a defunct blog. Insert eye roll. 

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Maybe it was the rejection that stung in my ears and my eyes as I re-read it that tinged my thinking.
I began editing it.
And re-editing it.
And editing it some more.
I wondered aloud, “how did they even pick my piece, to begin with?”
Then I got even angrier.
They made me question myself and that made me even more upset than getting kicked out of the book.

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*2020 note- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET IT GO.

Honestly, I am not so much embarrassed that I am not in the book.
It is that I am tired of trying to be something that I just cannot be.
I am a stay at home mom who loves to write.
I love to make people laugh.
Simple as that.
That is all it will ever be.
I won’t ever pen a great hilarious novel.
I won’t become the next Erma Bombeck.
I won’t become the female John Hughes.
And that is OK.

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*2020 note- I don’t want to become the next Erma Bombeck, that is so dated. And I will become the female John Hughes.

Just wait. 2020 Kari is so much better than 2015 Kari. 

Again, Estrogen is a bastard. 

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Look, I save the good shit for THIS blog. (2020 note-I do DO that)
When other places I submit to ask for original content, I get all upset inside.
Want to know why?
Because I don’t want to use the good stuff for them.
I want to save it for you.
Because I love you more than them.
And there it is.

You mean more to me than a paycheck.
I AM A FOOL, I KNOW.
I am.
Bloggers and writers all around me are laughing all the way to the bank and I don’t have two nickels to rub together.

I am a great mom.
My kids are amazing and well adjusted.
I am happy being at home with them, well most of the time anyway.
So maybe my best work is right here.
Maybe this just wasn’t meant to be.
Maybe. (2020 note-What an insult to women who are good writers AND good moms. Way to alienate your audience, Kari. )

I bet Nora Ephron never went through this. (2020 note- I bet she did)
Pass me the damn lemons.