Humor, Life, Uncategorized

Things About Me That Will Make You Feel Good About Yourself

My M. O. here on the blog is first and foremost, to be honest.
And to talk about my love of all things tacos and Bruce Hornsby.
Not necessarily in that order.
Unless it is about John Hughes.
Then usually it is John Hughes, honesty, tacos then Bruce Hornsby.
Sorry, Bruce.
That’s just the way it is.
Some things will never change.

I love bruce hornsby

I like to share posts with you to make you feel good about yourself because:

a) I feel like a lot of the time, you might be reading me at work/working at home/mopping the floor/staying at home with the kids so you need a lift. Also, a lot of you are sending kids to college and it is making me all weepy. OMG ALL THE TEARS, ALL THE DAMN TEARS.

2) life can really suck, so why not write about something that makes you feel a little less suckish?

c) why the hell not?

So here is my list of things about ME that will indeed make YOU feel really, really great about yourself starting now.
You are welcome.
Start hugging yourself.
You ARE pretty awesome.
Okay, that’s enough.

1- I once ate two Big Mac’s in one sitting

My mom can attest to this.
It was in a hotel room in Ohio.
That sounds so dirty.
Granted, I was much younger….34 years old.
Okay not like spring chicken young but still a good ten years younger than I am now.
And I regret nothing.

2- I have blown my nose on my shirt on more than one occasion

You have done it too.

3- I have used a mini pad to blow my nose when I was in the car and I had nothing else to use

I have also used a maxi pad to wipe the crusty old lipstick off my mouth when I had no kleenex in my purse.
It happened after Listen to Your Mother and we were on our way to the restaurant afterward.

4- I don’t know how to:

things I can't do


Because those kinds of people scare the bejeebus out of me.
I tried to write my resume and it was all out of whack.
Paragraphs all over the damn place.
It looked like a haiku.
As did my eyebrows.

Don’t get me started on the tire.
Or the oil.
I will learn.
Or maybe not.
Probably on the road.
With a flat tire.
Or I will just die in the wilderness.
With bushy eyebrows and a really bad resume.

5- When I walk down the aisle at Target and I need to fart?

I always say, OMG WHO DID THAT?? and then point to another person.
I am so bad.
If I had a dog, I would totally blame them.
I am going to burn in hell.
So if you are with me at Target and smell something?
It’s me.
Or maybe it’s you.

running a 5k is hard

6- I have fallen off the treadmill at the gym and had to have a woman clearly in her 70’s help me up

Then I stayed away from the gym for a good week because I was too embarrassed to go back.
But when I did, she remembered me and she and her friends started walking next to me.
So I think I am in her walking club now.

7-  I love the smell of wet skunk on a hot summer night

Not inside of my home but outside in the wet hot air.
I blame this on my rural roots.
Not that rural people smell like hot wet skunk.
Just that when you grow up in rural areas, people hit lots and lots of skunks with cars.
Or skunks get scared and spray random things.
Things like raccoons, dogs, chipmunks, houses, people, cars.
Apparently, skunks have bad eyesight hence the smell everywhere.
So when I get the whiff out here, MMMMMMMM.
This is why this post is titled Things About Me That Will Make You Feel Good About Yourself.

8- I hate driving in the city by myself

This is what I look like when I drive in the city:

Scared by Jack in the Box

Heh heh.
More like this:

And a little like this:

And mostly like this:

Is that E.T.?

I have lived here 25 years and have only driven into Chicago three times by myself.
I can hear my friends with balls of steel laughing now and I don’t care.
If I can’t take public transportation or have my husband drive, I am not interested.
I have no problem driving through Chicago on the way to somewhere else, it’s the actual parking situation that I hate.
If there is a parking garage, I am all good but if it includes finding parking on a street then I am outtie.
I have turned down some cool events as a blogger because they were located in areas where parking was a logistical nightmare.
To me, it is not worth a free lunch and swag if I have to sit for two hours and have to parallel park.
This skunk loving girl will take a suburban parking lot any day.
Or a dirt road.
Yes, that is MUCH better.


9- I love gossip

I said it.
I need to find me a beauty shop because I really feel like I need me a beauty shop like back in the old days where I could sit under a dryer and stick my head out and say, “ooooheeee did you hear they are tearing down the Piggly Wiggly and putting up ANOTHER DAMN TIRE STORE???”

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A few weeks ago, there was a terrible storm that went through our area and I was in the bank for 20 minutes “gossiping” about such things as who doesn’t have power, where the tornado touched down, what town didn’t have a siren and what not with the tellers who all know me on a first name basis because we all need a beauty shop, apparently.
Anna had to honk the horn on the car to get me to come out because she is driving now and doesn’t understand the necessity of gossip.

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In my defense, most of my gossip is harmless but I am known to enjoy gossip of the other variety.
Is this a human nature thing??

Do you smell something burning?
Oh, that is just my eternal soul.

spelling psychology wrong

10- I can’t spell the word psychology without looking on Google

Which used to be something called a DICTIONARY.
Remember those?
Whenever I write an email, I need to pull up Google in another window to see how it is spelled as not to embarrass myself.
Oh who am I kidding, I do that whenever I write a blog post as well because I have trust issues with spell check.
It is the one word, I can never spell without help and I got an A in the course in college.
Probably because they never asked me to spell the word psychology in the course psychology.
That and all my tests were online and multiple choice.
Way to go college, making it easy for people to become “intelligent” one test at a time.

There you have it, friends.
Just a few things to make you feel better about yourselves.
I am glad I could send you on your way today.
Weekdays can suck as it is, now you can go about your week fresh and feeling confident that you aren’t as stupid as you thought you were.
I am like a walking public service announcement.
Or a walking back to school special, for those of you kickin’ it old school.
That would be “hip speak” for us old people.
Knowing that you are going to Heaven and that you never had to binge eat Big Mac’s in a hotel room or wipe your face after with a mini pad.
But I know someone else who has done something worse in a hotel room…

Do you smell something burning??

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