Childhood, Humor, Life

Dear Diary, Why Was I So Pathetic?

Writer McWriterson

While I was cleaning my basement a few weeks ago, I made a discovery.

My high school diary.

If you ever want to check to see if you’ve evolved, read anything you’ve ever written before the age of 17.
It can have a significant impact on your self-esteem.

I should mention that I’ve been feeling a little disconnected from my teenager lately.
Nothing major happened, just normal teen and parent stuff, but the discovery of this diary was definitely a morsel from the Lord himself.
Like a guidebook from Heaven, it revealed to me that I, too, lacked a developed frontal lobe and that poor decision making is not only a way of life, but also appears to be genetic.
Please allow me.
Disclaimer: the blurred words are not intended to conceal any offensive language I may have written.
As you know, I have no problem sharing that on here.
No, those are the names of people I didn’t want to make public.
Because I didn’t think my sophomore year friends wanted their secret crushes broadcast for all to see 28 years later.

First, during my 10th grade year, I loved a lot of “men.”
Not in reality.
Oh, no.
Only on paper, and from a distance.
I could go on for ten pages about how much I cherished these “men” who weren’t really men at all.
Boys.
Menchildren, to be precise.
I would stare at them in the halls, drool over them in study hall, and even believe my friends when they said, “I TOTALLY HEARD HIM TALKING ABOUT YOU IN SIXTH PERIOD WORLD HISTORY!!” SIGH!”

Then I’d go home and draw big puffy hearts to express my love for said manchildren.

I’d say 50 of the 100 pages in this diary had the above written on them.
There are about ten different menchildren.
In one month, I squired three different menchildren, and by “squiring,” I mean looking at from afar in the lunchroom while eating my Nutty Bar.
Four pages of being sick.
Why?
Why did I find it necessary to take up four pages to write this?
I. Am. On. The. Edge. Of. My. Seat.
Whew, I’m relieved to say that I’m finally on the mend.
How can I possibly dislike school after missing it for a week?
If you’re keeping track, I’m on manchild number five, and it’s only February.

I feel another sick day coming on……

I need to show this to my teenager.
She has no idea what sheer boredom is.
Oh, I know what it is.
It is when you have to actually WRITE it in a diary.
Fast forward to May because I was extremely uninteresting.
By the way, I had to blur out the name of manchild #7 because he is now a well-known eye doctor back home.
But he WAS a dick back in 1986.
The moral of the story is to never let a dick get in the way of having a good time.
That came out wrong.

I guess I needed time to think about it.

I finally danced with a “real” guy.
What was I dancing with before then??

And in the WORST anti-smoking campaign ever:

Speechless.

I should have been a liner note writer for Whitesnake.

There’s a reason why I only kept one diary throughout my childhood.
I was terrible at it.
Please excuse me as I apologize to my teenager for being less understanding.
And I’ll be carrying MY diary with me.

19 thoughts on “Dear Diary, Why Was I So Pathetic?”

  4. I ate nutty bars during lunch in hs too! I crack up reading the things we wrote in one another’s yearbooks. This stuff is hot off the presses juice. So funny thst you wrote I hate school after having been sick. That last page- deep. I had a crush on a guy for so long in high school – all because he came thru my drive thru window at Burger King. Anyway- EVERYONE knew. So awkward. So many stories about that one crush. Silly times.

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  6. I had notebook after notebook as diaries from high school. A few years ago, I threw them all away – after I read through them. Basically, it was the same hilarious (well, now hilarious – it was called angst back then) crap as yours…every week I “loved” another boy. Sometimes more than one. I hated my parents. I hated my little sister. My best friend was a jerk, so I hung around someone else. I got sick a lot. (WTF is up with that when we were teens?!)

    OMG on your reason for starting smoking…the teenage brain is about on par with a five-year old!

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  7. OMG your reason for smoking! LMAO!

    A few years ago, my dad gave me a box of my stuff, which included my journals from high school. Including the poetry journals. It was all I could do to not toss those in the fire pit. I haven’t been brave enough to look at those, considering I know much of the poetry has to do with a teacher I was crushing on.

    Ooh and there is also the journal I kept when I went on a college trip to Greece. First time drinking and whoa those entries.

    Thank you for sharing this!

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  8. I love your handwriting in this diary! I have a ton of journals in a big plastic bin in my closet. I think the farthest back they go is when I was fifteen. Honestly I treasure them. I love looking back, even if it makes me wince. Sometimes I want to get them all out, put them in chronological order and just look through them all. But then I realize that that is a terrible idea, lol. If I need to, I’ll look through the ones that I have over the last three years, when I’ve made big and positive change. Though I am truly glad that I have them all.

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    1. I love that you have this! It is a gift to be able to go back and see yourself from long ago.

      I have old calendars that I unearthed today…from when the girls were small. I could sit and read the entries all day. I can’t, but I could. 😂

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  9. OMG where to start…..
    1) I think you just called my eye doctor a dick!
    2) I loved nutty bars for lunch….. it was that or ding dongs with chocolate milk for lunch most days. What healthy eating habits I had back then!
    3) I have all my diaries back to middle school/junior high. This makes the thought of reading them both tempting and terrifying!

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    1. Yay you commented!!!

      He is. A dick, that is.

      Ding dongs are amazing. Do you have Mod Pizza there? They make homemade ones and they are AMAZING.

      I wish I had saved all of mine. This one made the cut, apparently. 😂

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      1. Never heard of Mod Pizza but would frequent any place that made psuedo ding dongs….lol
        Also forgot 4) which was loving your reasoning behind smoking., it was just the best logic ever!

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