I have said it here before many times and I will say it again: I hate the movie theater.
Why? Because of lice.
And because popcorn costs like 10 bucks for a small.
But mostly lice.
I have gone to the movies maybe three times in the past year and a half.
I look at people who love to go to the movies like they are an exhibit in a museum behind a glass wall.
You like to go to the movies? On purpose??
I could also say that a big part of me not wanting to go to the movies is because of Netflix.
Netflix has ruined me.
There are the scenarios I want to avoid when attending a movie theater screening.
- being in a dark room with complete strangers
- body odor
- people in general
- ten minutes of advertisements
- getting my seat kicked
- getting lice
- getting herpes
- getting the clap
- loud whispering
- ” I DON’T GET IT” in even louder whispering
- having to urinate
- missing integral parts of the movie because of having to urinate
- having to urinate. Again.
- teenagers on their phones
- did I mention people?
I am not a hypochondriac loner who hates humankind.
Okay, maybe a little.
No, what I am is impatient and thrifty.
I’d rather drop 40 bucks on dinner and drinks than a movie and movie snacks.
And why pay for a movie ticket when I can dodge the above scenarios by sitting in the comfort of my family room with a Netflix subscription.
I want to watch my movie now, not after ten solid minutes of advertisements for other movies I have no interest in seeing.
At home, if I have to pee, I can just hit pause. I could even leave the bathroom door open and listen from there.
You can’t do that at the movie theaters. Trust me, I’ve tried.
Hell, with Netflix I can watch a movie in my I LOVE FISHSTICKS cut off tee shirt and yoga pants with a hole in the crotch.
I am pretty sure that’s frowned upon in the movie theater.
Actually, I have been to my movie theater. It isn’t.
Netflix has spoiled me. I’m damaged goods. Rotten.
So when they recently announced that all new Disney movies are coming to Netflix, I knew I would really never have to step foot in a theater again.
Zootopia is on Netflix. Like, now.
And I have a better than movie theater I have to sell my kidneys on Craigslist snack to eat while watching all of the Disney movie favorites.
Pass the lice spray.