After the holidays, I started listening to my Lionel Richie Pandora channel because something about winter and Lionel Richie connects with me.
I have a point with this but if you know me, there is a tangent involved.
Here is the tangent: Lionel Richie is underrated.
Maybe it’s a shit ton of 80’s celebrities dying last year at a young age that got me to thinking about it but it is how I feel.
The man can SING.
And he is helping me get through the winter of 2017.
He is helping me to
Recently, I told you about having to wear an event monitor.
I was having episodes where my heart was racing more times than not for two weeks before I finally headed to the ER. I was having them different times of the day but the ones that woke me up in the night scared me most because I was doing nothing but sleeping.
I was asked in the ER if I had ever had a panic attack, after the EKG and most everything else was turning up normal.
A panic attack? I don’t think so?
I have always been what you would call “high-strung”. I get nervous easily, freak out about simple things, have strong reactions to almost everything.
I was cast in the stage show Listen to Your Mother with a piece that I wrote about my “anxiety”.
It was funny and relatable but I wrote it because it was nothing more than a piece about funny mom moments.
I never really read the words I wrote.
I freak out more than not; I worry about, well, everything; I don’t handle change well; those close to me have to handle me at times with kid gloves.
To be clear, I am not a monster to live with. We have a pretty great life for the most part. I’m just not able to enjoy it on most days.
So after the ER visit, I started thinking and we know that is NEVER A GOOD THING.
Man, I hold a lot on the inside because I don’t want people on the outside to know how crazy I am. Until it builds to the point of overflow then I let it explode on those closest to me.
There is no middle ground with me; I am either really happy or really upset.
Then with menopause starting, it got worse. My husband said to me in December, “you are way more over the edge than normal” and it hurt my feelings at first because I didn’t know I was over the edge, to begin with.
Then on a car ride alone with Mike one day, I just started crying.
“Life is just too real sometimes,” I told him through sobs.
I don’t know what it is about winter, but I always think about how life moves too fast. I think more than ever about my grandma who I miss so much; about my childhood which I also miss so much, which brings me back to Lionel.
Sweet sweet Lionel.
I remember hearing All Night Long at a school dance when I was in junior high school. I remember wearing a green sweater with an Oxford cloth shirt underneath. Lionel takes me back to a time when life wasn’t so real.
It was just about boys, and wearing the right Nike’s, and music, and trying not to have zits.
There wasn’t a constant stream of news, media, deaths of famous people. There wasn’t online bullying, Twitter, Instagram, cell phones. No bills, adulting, deadlines or inconsiderate people. What am I saying? There were inconsiderate people in 7th grade too. But you get the idea.
Life was simpler and as I write this, I think of every generation before us saying the exact same thing. To which we would scoff and laugh and think “geezers…..”
But seriously, The Limited is closing. My God, what is happening to my childhood?
*That’s like Forever 21 closing for you youngsters today.
I JUST SAID, YOUNGSTER.
I have always been riddled with anxious thoughts here and there; mostly here. I would push them down inside and tell myself to get a grip. But I was never able to really get that grip, you know?
There are days where I feel things too much, take rejection too hard, am unable to get over being hurt by someone. I hear other people say things like, “it will be okay” “you will be fine” “it’s all part of life” but in my mind, I don’t feel that way. I carry it with me every day.
I remember years ago telling my mom that I felt like menopause was the “beginning of the end” to which she laughed. She reacted much differently to menopause; happy to see her period go, possibly because she went through it later than I.
The beginning of the end.
A few weeks ago I took off my heart monitor for the first time in 32 days and it was a glorious feeling. Feeling tied down to cords and a computer is tough, man.
Funny how perspective changes everything. I haven’t had a cup of coffee in over 30 days and I am slowly realizing that as much as I don’t want to admit it, large amounts of caffeine are not good for me.
This is what is good for me though- venting; talking about fears instead of holding them inside. Crying is good, did you know that? A good cry sometimes helps more than a Xanax ever could.
I am slowly learning to breathe. To not care what anyone outside of my body thinks of choices I make to ensure I am okay. To enjoy life more, exercise as much as I can, watch what I eat, not beat myself up for choices or decisions I make to ensure I am in a good place. I have blocked a lot of people on Facebook; muted a ton of people on Twitter; said “no” more and not felt guilty. It is a process but it is one I need to make in order to be a good wife, mom, and friend.
I just need to