To be clear, my rep over at G.H. Cretors had no clue how this post was gonna spin. But I knew exactly how I was going to turn an average giveaway into something more special.
Much more special indeed.
I was watching Dirty Dancing with Ella the other evening and it got me to thinking: what the hell happened to Baby and Johnny? After the closing credits, don’t you ever wonder what happens to your beloved characters? Do they end up going to prom together? Did they go to college and get married? Did they buy Kellerman’s and turn it into a dance club??
Yes, I know “they” aren’t “real”. Duh.
Are the realists gone?
So, seriously, what happened??
Get comfy on your couch, grab a bag of popcorn and read my theories.
Don’t have any popcorn? I’ve got you covered at the end of the post.
Baby Houseman didn’t end up attending Mt. Holyoke in the fall but graduated high school then dropped a bombshell on the p’s that she was instead, going to save money in upstate New York and not save human lives in the Peace Corps.
She ran back to the Catskills and became a dance instructor alongside her hunk of man, Johnny Castle.
They were desperate for help.
Baby and Johnny eventually buy out Mr. Kellerman as he goes broke because of a fallout with some elaborate nursing home bilking scheme (see Say Anything) and sells his resort for “peanuts, PEANUTS I SAY” to Baby Houseman after she ran to her daddy and told him she needed money.
Baby becomes Mrs. Johnny Castle after we learn she is pregnant, but during a routine blood draw, Johnny learns the baby isn’t his but his cousin Billy’s.
After a long drawn out story that Billy and Baby (it just sounds right, doesn’t it?) conceived (too soon?) about her swallowing a watermelon seed (I went there), they convince Johnny (because pretty to look at) that it must be a mistake.
Johnny spends the rest of his years raising Baby and Billy’s baby, thinking it’s his.
And the kicker? The kid can’t dance.
Iona and Andie get a funky apartment together and open an ugly dress (face it, the dress was ugly) shop in the heart of downtown Kenosha (rent is high in Chicago, okay?) Wisconsin.
Duckie ends up marrying the chick at the end of the film (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and they move to California so she can become an actress and so he can live off of her money.
No one has heard from Blaine ever again because let’s be honest, he’s kind of forgettable.
Don’t blame me, I didn’t cast this movie.
*Some of these ideas are in my screenplay. Don’t steal them. Unless you make it into a movie or play. Then go ahead. *
John Bender (the rebel)- sells used cars in Joliet, Illinois. If you need a low rate on a low rate car, call John. He can BEND the rules for you. Get it?
Allison Reynolds (the recluse)- owns a cat farm in rural Kansas. Which is nothing like a cathouse.
Claire Standish (the beauty)- works at a spa in Los Angeles where she has planned a lip application technique that she is patenting called Tit Lips. (You’re wishing you came up with this first, aren’t you?)
Brian Johnson (the brain)- invested (unwisely) in Olestra in the ’90s. He did not know that it would give so many people the shits. He now works at In and Out Burger outside of Santa Barbara but his genuine passion is his trained hamsters.
Andrew Clark (the jock)- is a ballerina with the California Ballet Company. He wears tights. (the required uniform)
Carl Reed (the janitor)- Created the iPhone. (Just go with it)
Richard Vernon (the teacher)- Sadly, he died in 2006. At a Barry Manilow concert.
None of the above have seen each other since high school, but I plan to remedy this with a trip cross-country in a packed minivan. Someone, please make my movie a reality.
In a surprising twist, Diane is wearing an ankle bracelet (and not the cool 80s kind) because they found out that she set her dad up with the nursing home money bilking! She wanted to be alone with Lloyd so badly that she made the aforementioned bilking look like her father’s idea. He took the fall because he was kind of a piece of shit too and also he wanted to protect his daughter.
Lloyd doesn’t have time for these shenanigans, so he left London for Amsterdam to work on his kickboxing. Until he got kicked in the nuts and broke his left testicle (yes, it’s a thing) in Brussels and decided he didn’t want to be a kickboxer anymore. So he returned to Seattle, where he is now working at the Potbelly on 4th Avenue. He makes a mean prosciutto and avocado on wheat.
Samantha and Jake end up going to prom, but she gets knocked up on prom night and they break up because Jake Ryan isn’t equipped to deal with hard life issues.
He retreats to the woods in Pennsylvania to make cabinets and shit.
Samantha gives the baby to her big sister and her bohunk husband, who surprisingly turns out to be great parents, as she is the lead singer in the punk rock band Oh Sexy Girlfriend but is the kick assiest “aunt” ever.
Ferris Bueller didn’t go to college after high school because he got a taste of a summer off. It was as he was taking his gap year in college that he stumbled into an Apple store in 1997 where he eventually became a sales rep. But not before investing 50 dollars in that same company on a whim. He is now a billionaire who takes every day off.
Sloane Peterson works at Wilson’s Leather Store in the North Riverside Park Mall just outside of Chicago and has two Shih Tzu’s named Jennifer (Grey) and Charlie (Sheen).
Cameron Frye works as a psychoanalyst but with his self-diagnosed OCD and hypochondriac tendencies, he cannot practice regularly, especially as he can’t leave his three-bedroom condo in Portland.
Thank you to G.H. Cretors for helping me destroy beloved teenage movies from the ’80s!
And to thank you for sitting through this post, the lovely people over at G.H. Cretors want to send you two bags of their delicious popcorn!
A bag of their Chicago Mix which is now known as “the mix” which is not to be confused with “101.9 The Mix”.
Only locals will get that.