To be clear, my representative over at G.H. Cretors had no clue how this post was gonna spin. But I knew exactly how I was going to turn an average giveaway into something more special.
Much more special indeed.
Do you ever wonder what happens to your favorite characters after the closing credits? Will they attend prom together? Did they go to college together and marry? I have thoughts so make yourself at home, grab a bag of popcorn, and read my conspiracy theories.
Baby Houseman did not attend Mount Holyoke in the fall, but instead graduated high school and then informed her parents that she was going to save money in upstate New York rather than saving human lives in the Peace Corps. By relocating to the Catskills and working as a dance instructor alongside Johnny Castle.
They were desperate for help.
Baby and Johnny eventually buy out Mr. Kellerman after he goes bankrupt due to a fallout from a sophisticated nursing home bilking scam (see Say Anything) and sells his resort to Baby Houseman for “peanuts, PEANUTS I SAY” after she runs to her daddy and tells him she needs money.
Always with the money.
After learning she is pregnant, Baby becomes Mrs. Johnny Castle. But during a routine blood draw, they discover the baby is not his but his cousin Billy’s. After a story that Billy and Baby conceive (too soon?) about her swallowing a watermelon seed (I went there), they persuade Johnny that it must be an error at the lab.
Johnny raises Billy’s baby, thinking it’s his. And the best part? The child can’t dance.
Iona and Andie get a funky apartment together and operate an ugly dress (let’s face it, the prom dress was terrible) boutique in the heart of downtown Kenosha Wisconsin because rent in Chicago is ridic.
Duckie marries the girl from prom and moves to California so she can become an actress and he can live off her money.
Blaine was never heard from again because, let’s be honest, he’s kind of forgettable.
John Bender sells used automobiles in Joliet, Illinois. Call John if you want a low rate on a low rate auto. He can BEND the rules for you.
Allison Reynolds is the proprietor of a cat farm in rural Kansas. Which is nothing like a cathouse.
Claire Standish works at a spa in Los Angeles and has developed a lip application technique dubbed Tit Lips, which she is patenting.
In the 1990s, Brian Johnson made an unfortunate investment in Olestra. In his words, “ I did not know that it would give so many people the shits.” He now works at In and Out Burger near Santa Barbara, but his genuine passion are his trained hamsters.
Andrew Clark is a ballerina with the California Ballet Company.
In a surprising twist, Diane is wearing an ankle bracelet (and not the cool 80s kind) because they found out that she set her dad up with the nursing home money bilking! She wanted to be alone with Lloyd so badly that she made the aforementioned bilking look like her father’s idea. He took the fall because he was kind of a piece of shit too and also he wanted to protect his daughter.
Lloyd doesn’t have time for these shenanigans, so he left London for Amsterdam to work on his kickboxing. Until he got kicked in the nuts and broke his left testicle (yes, it’s a thing) in Brussels and decided he didn’t want to be a kickboxer anymore. So he returned to Seattle, where he is now working at the Potbelly on 4th Avenue. He makes a mean prosciutto and avocado on wheat.
Samantha and Jake end up going to prom, but she gets knocked up on prom night and they break up because Jake Ryan isn’t equipped to deal with hard life issues.
He retreats to the woods in Pennsylvania to make cabinets and shit.
Samantha gives the baby to her big sister and her bohunk husband, who surprisingly turns out to be great parents, as she is the lead singer in the punk rock band Oh Sexy Girlfriend but is the kick assiest “aunt” ever.
Ferris Bueller didn’t go to college after high school because he got a taste of a summer off. It was as he was taking his gap year in college that he stumbled into an Apple store in 1997 where he eventually became a sales rep. But not before investing 50 dollars in that same company on a whim. He is now a billionaire who takes every day off.
Sloane Peterson works at Wilson’s Leather Store in the North Riverside Park Mall just outside of Chicago and has two Shih Tzu’s named Jennifer (Grey) and Charlie (Sheen).
Cameron Frye works as a psychoanalyst but with his self-diagnosed OCD and hypochondriac tendencies, he cannot practice regularly, especially as he can’t leave his three-bedroom condo in Portland.
Thank you to G.H. Cretors for helping me destroy beloved teenage movies from the ’80s!
And to thank you for sitting through this post, the lovely people over at G.H. Cretors want to send you two bags of their delicious popcorn!
A bag of their Chicago Mix which is now known as “the mix” which is not to be confused with “101.9 The Mix”.
Only locals will get that.