First published November 20th, 2017
For the past ten years I’ve been going through perimenopause. Just kidding, it’s only been two years. It just feels like ten years. Because the symptoms of perimenopause are SUCKING MY SOUL RIGHT OUT OF MY BODY.
There are 34 symptoms of menopause, according to the website 34 Menopause Symptoms Dot Com (yes, it’s an actual website). They must have chosen to create a website to warn women that, just when you think you have enough to worry about as a female, you also receive thirty-four “gifts” when your period goes away.
Being a woman is a glorious thing.
Rather than simply complaining (because I got complaints), I decided to have some fun with the list as well.
In honor of Generation X’s transition through the change, I’ve linked 80’s music with each symptom.
1- Hot Flashes: I could be wearing a tank top in the freezer section of my local grocery store in January and I still break a sweat.
Flashdance- What a Feeling by Irene Cara
2- Night Sweats: Husband: “Did you take a shower before coming to bed?” Me:” No. Why?“
I Melt with You by Modern English or Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil.
3- Irregular Periods: I get my period every two weeks, which means I’ve had perpetual PMS for the past two years.
Who Can it Be Now? by Men at Work or Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper.
4- Loss of libido: Because I would rather read, water my plants, eat, do my taxes. ANYTHING other than have sex right now. Sorry honey, sex is what retirement is for.
With or Without You by U2.
5- Vaginal dryness: It’s not fun to walk around naked while sounding like you’re wearing corduroy pants. And also a significant reason for number four.
High and Dry by Def Leppard OR Walk Like an Egyptian by The Bangles
6- Mood swings: I’m all over the place right now. One moment I’m jogging through a field of daisies declaring how much I love my life, and the next thing I know, I want to cut a bitch for walking on my favorite treadmill at the gym.
Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
7- Fatigue: Did I mention how exhausting it is to walk on a treadmill? Or taking a shower? Or what about eating? Or simply existing?
All Night Long by Lionel Richie
8- Hair loss or thinning: Phew, I’m glad I don’t have this. Wait, what’s that large clump of hair in the drain?
Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson
9- Sleep disorders: I have to get up every two hours to urinate. When I finally get back to sleep, I have a hot flash or a night sweat (not sure which) and my bed is drenched in perspiration. Once I change my pajamas, I’m unable to get back to sleep again. Good thing I have my husband’s chainsaw snores to keep me company.
No Sleep til’ Brooklyn by The Beastie Boys
10- Difficulty concentrating: What were we even talking about?
I Keep Forgetting by Michael McDonald
11- Memory lapses: No. For real.
Don’t You Forget About Me by Simple Minds
12- Dizziness: I had vertigo throughout the summer and blamed it on the altitude in Utah. I guess it’s simply part of being a woman. Chromosomes are awesome.
You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive
13- Weight gain: In pictures, it looks like my neck ate my face.
Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran
14- Incontinence: Put me in a nursing home and call me leaky.
The Rain by Oran “Juice” Jones
WHY DIDN’T ANYONE WARN US ABOUT ALL THIS BULL#%$#
15- Bloating: Does anyone have a pin? JUST POP IT. I’M BEGGING.
I’m Coming Out by Diana Ross
16- Allergies: I take Zyrtec all year now.
Under Pressure by David Bowie and Queen
17- Brittle nails: They break all the damn time.
Push It by Salt and Pepa (as in cuticles)
18- Changes in body odor: I’m only on number 18??
Nasty by Janet Jackson
19- Irregular heartbeat: This symptom was the reason I had to wear an “event monitor” for a month during the holiday season. Ho. Ho. Ho.
Heartbeat by Don Johnson
20- Depression: We are only on #20, and I’ve experienced all but two of the symptoms. This IS depressing.
21- Anxiety- See also #19. Also, I believe that weed has the potential to solve the majority of these problems.
Pass the Dutchie by Musical Youth
22- Irritability- I am not tolerant of people who are overly joyful.
Oh wait. I was like this before perimenopause.
The Homecoming Queen’s Got a Gun by Julie Brown
I BLAME MEN. JUST. I BLAME MEN.
23- Panic disorder- Well, I didn’t think I had it, but now I’m terrified that I do.
Somebody’s Watching Me by Rockwell
24- Breast pain- I don’t have this, but give it a little time….
Tenderness by General Public
25- Headaches: Have I mentioned before that I have headaches?
King of Pain by The Police
26- Joint pain- I’m going through perimenopause not getting an AARP card. Pshaw!
Oh shit, that’s in two years.
Do You Really Want to Hurt Me by Culture Club
27- Burning tongue: What. The. Actual. Hell.
Chariots of Fire by The Vangelis
28- Electric shock sensation: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL?
Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant
29- Digestive problems: Every time I poop, it feels like I’m giving birth to a two-pound waste baby.
Solid (As a Rock) by Ashford and Simpson
I GET WHY NO ONE TOLD US ABOUT THIS BULL&$*%.
30- Gum problems: I actually had gum therapy a few years ago to treat a gum infection, which is not as fun as it sounds. I now realize it was probably due to perimenopause.
Maneater by Hall and Oates
31- Muscle tension- You know, from all the labor pooping (see #29) and vaginal corduroy walking (see #5).
Pulling Mussels (From a Shell) by Squeeze
32- Itchy, crawly skin- I feel like dousing myself in lube or taking a flea bath.
Can’t Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon
33-Tingling extremities- Am I dying? I’m dying, aren’t I?
Broken Wings by Mister Mister
34- Osteoporosis- SUPER.
Things Can Only Get Better by Howard Jones
Really, it’s not that bad. Really.
Welcome to the Jungle.
Enjoy this playlist of all of the above songs.
Are you going through perimenopause? Let’s commiserate in the comment section.