I was watching Home Alone the other day and it got me to thinking about this screenplay (how I connected the two shouldn’t surprise anyone), and made me wonder a few things:
-is it wrong to capitalize on John Hughes’ movies for my screenplay?
-is it stupid to base characters around real-life people?
-is it bad that I gave Judd Nelson a rash? He doesn’t have one in real life. I SWEAR.
-will I get sued by the Hughes family for using his name, his characters, his everything?
I don’t know how I feel about all of that yet. When I was writing this, I was in the beginning stages of menopause and migraines. This screenplay was a comfort for some weird reason. I started falling in love with the characters over a three-month period and didn’t want to stop. I guess you could say that this was a catharsis. Giving life to an idea that I deeply wanted. A John Hughes museum in Chicago.
Head here to read the last scene if you are catching up and thank you to everyone who continues to read and comment on my menopausal manuscript. I love all of you.
Scene Five- “He Can’t Be Trusted. He Doesn’t Even Have a Twitter Account”
*No Judd Nelson’s were harmed in the writing of this screenplay
After a long “chase”, the Prius pulls into the driveway of an unassuming suburban home on a tree-lined street. The women park their van across the street and with a bit of surveillance, realize that it is indeed Judd Nelson.
Valerie (to Katherine) – What are you gonna say to him?
Katherine (to Valerie) – Me? Why me?
Valerie (to Katherine) – I think you should open with how you have his hair inside your nightstand.
Regina (to Katherine) – Tell him you’re a big fan of Suddenly Susan. That should get his attention.
Katherine (to both of the girls) – You guys are making me more nervous.
Valerie (laughing at Katherine) – Go get your man. Make that museum a reality!
Katherine pauses, sighs then gets out of the van and rings Judd Nelson’s doorbell. Judd opens the front door.
Katherine (to Judd) – Hi there, I’m……
Judd (to Katherine) – I’m not buying any of your shit.
Katherine (to Judd) – Huh?
Judd (to Katherine) – I don’t like solicitors. Hence the sign on my door.
Katherine (to Judd) – Oh, yes! Sorry. I, I. I CAN’T READ.
Judd (to Katherine) – I did not see that one coming.
Katherine (to Judd) – I need your help, Mr. Nelson.
Judd (to Katherine) – You’re not here to kill me, are you?
Katherine (to Judd) – Oh no! Not at all! No, see I am Katherine Hogan and I’m from Chicago. Illinois?
Judd (to Katherine) – I’ve heard of it.
Katherine (to Judd) – Of course you have! Heh, heh, well, see I wanted to um, know if um, you could, um. Do you see my good friends out there? Behind us in that white van? (Katherine points to Regina and Valerie in the van)
Judd (waves at the girls and they wave back wildly) – They aren’t going to kill me, are they?
Katherine (to Judd)- No, see we came all the way from Chicago to see, um, well, what I really want to say is, that…
Judd (to Katherine) – Are you okay? You’re sweating.
Katherine (ignoring his statement, to Judd) – You remember John Hughes, right?
Judd (to Katherine) – Vaguely.
Katherine (to Judd) – Yes, well see, I need your help because I want to open a museum.
Judd (to Katherine) – About?
Katherine (to Judd) – What about?
Judd (to Katherine) – What will the museum be about?
Katherine (to Judd) – John Hughes. Are you even listening?
Judd (to Katherine) – It’s hard to pay attention with all of your sweating.
Katherine (to no one) – Is it hot in here?
Judd (to Katherine) – You’re outside.
Katherine (to Judd) – So this museum will be so cool! Well, it will be cool because we don’t actually have the cool stuff yet. But we will get the cool stuff. Eventually. I hope. Man, this sounded so much better when I was practicing in the airplane bathroom…..
Judd (to Katherine) – Katherine, was it?
Katherine (to Judd) – You can call me Kate.
Judd (to Katherine) – Kate. Listen, I have a sub, a can of Schlitz and a DVD of Girls Gone Wild waiting inside, so if you could kind of wrap this up?
Katherine (to Judd) – Oh yes! Sorry! So I need to kind of kidnap you.
Judd (to Katherine) – Kind of kidnap?
Katherine (to Judd) – Really kidnap.
Judd (to Katherine) – To go to?
Katherine (to Judd) – Chicago.
Judd (to Katherine) – To help with your museum?
Katherine (to Judd) – Wow, you are a lot smarter than I thought you would be!
Judd (to Katherine) – It was really nice meeting you Kate Hogan from Chicago, have a safe trip home.
Katherine (to Judd) – But see, you’re an integral part of the plan. I can’t leave without you.
Judd (to Katherine) – I wish I could help but beer, sub, and slutty girls await.
Katherine (to Judd) – We will give you a gift shop discount!
Valerie yelling from the van “THAT WASN’T DISCUSSED!”
Judd (to Katherine) – Yeah, that isn’t really a driving force for me to go.
Katherine (to Judd, loudly) – MY FRIENDS AND I ARE VERY, VERY SLUTTY.
Judd (looks at Katherine with a surprised look, then responds) – Kate was it? Mind if I smoke?
They head towards the white van across the street to meet up with the other two women.
Katherine (introducing Judd to the girls) – Judd Nelson, these are my best friends Regina and Valerie.
Judd (to Valerie and Regina) – Ladies.
Valerie (to Katherine) – Uh, Kate? Could we have a moment?
Katherine- Not a good time Val…..
Judd (to Katherine and Valerie) – It’s fine, have a team meeting.
Judd takes a drag from his cigarette and walks to the front of the van.
Valerie (whispering) – Are we SURE that’s Judd Nelson?
Katherine (to Valerie) – Yeah, why?
Valerie (to Katherine) – Because he looks like dog shit, Kate.
Regina (to Katherine and Valerie) – I do have to say, the years have not been kind to Judd Nelson. Sort of like the critics.
Katherine (to Regina and Valerie) – Celebrities never look good in person. Everyone knows this.
Regina (to Valerie) – I have heard its all smoke and mirrors.
Valerie (to Regina and Katherine) – Well Smokey the Bear over there looks like he hasn’t seen a mirror in over a decade. Or two.
Regina (to Katherine and Regina) – And correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t John Hughes hate Judd Nelson anyway?
Valerie (to Regina) – Oooh! Yes! I have read that!
Katherine (to the girls) – Are you two listening to yourselves?? We need him to get the rest of the brat pack people on board. If we can get him, the rest are gonna be easy.
Valerie (to Katherine) – I guess.
Regina (to Katherine) – Whatever you say.
Katherine walks back to Judd Nelson
Katherine (to Judd) – So sorry.
Judd (to Katherine) – No, really. It’s fine. I had nothing better to do than hang in my driveway and wait for three slutty women from Chicago to do me in the back of their white van. Shall we?
Katherine (to Judd) – Well, see, there is a slight problem.
Judd (to Katherine) – There always is.
Katherine (to Judd) – Two of the sluts think you are a bit repulsive.
Judd stares at Katherine
Katherine (to Judd) – But I still think you’re hot. Kind of.
Judd ponders that and begins to walk back to his driveway
Katherine (yelling) – Please Judd Nelson?? I am begging you!
Judd (to Katherine)- On what alternate Universe would I get into a van with you and your nutbag friends and head to Illinois to start a museum with my skin and hair in it…..
Katherine (to no one in particular) – FOR THE LAST TIME, I DO NOT HAVE ANY OF YOUR HAIR!
Judd (to Katherine)-And tell your stupid friends that I don’t look like dog shit!
Valerie (yelling from the van) – YOU HAVE FALLEN TO PIECES, MY FRIEND.
Judd (to Valerie) – YOU HAVEN’T HELD UP WELL EITHER!
Valerie (to Judd) – YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I USED TO LOOK LIKE. THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.
Katherine (holding something in her jacket, to Judd) – I was afraid I was going to have to do this but you have given me no other option.
Judd (laughing at Katherine) – What is that?
Katherine (to Judd)- Nothing.
Just then, a vape pen falls out of Katherine’s pocket as she is fumbling nervously
Judd (to Katherine)- A vape pen? Are you trying to kidnap me with a vape pen?
Valerie (to Katherine)- Why you got a vape pen, Kate?
Katherine (to Valerie)- Medical reasons.
Katherine (whispering to Judd)- Menopause.
Judd (to Katherine)- Now it all makes sense.
Judd walks back over to the driver’s side of the van
Katherine (to Judd) – Where do you think you’re going? You can’t over there!
Judd (to Katherine) – You obviously can’t drive while high on the vape pen for your glaucoma.
Katherine (to Judd)- Menopause, MENOPAUSE. Jesus, you make me sound like a grandma……
Regina (to Judd) – Get out of there! You’ll just drive us to the police station!
Judd (to Katherine) – With a van full of sluts? Impossible.
Valerie (to Katherine) – He can’t be trusted! He doesn’t even have a Twitter account!
Regina (to Valerie) – I feel like that makes him even more trustworthy.
Judd (to Regina) – Thank you, Regina.
Judd begins to open the driver’s side door and the girls all look at each other and nod. They all begin to tackle Judd to the ground, rolling around in the street, while trying to hog tie him to get him into the van.