Eighteen Years Ago

My oldest daughter will be 18 years old tomorrow. I was getting ready to have my first child eighteen years ago this week.

I was watching a movie a few weeks ago when the character was rewinding a tape deck in the car, and that simple action got me thinking about all the changes I’ve witnessed in my lifetime.

Then I started thinking about how much has changed just since Anna (and Ella) were born.

When I was feeding my newborn babies, I didn’t have a pause, play, or DVR button. That is, at 3 a.m., I, like many of you, was at the mercy of infomercials.

Yes, I am aware that the Pioneers did not own a television. Go with it. 

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I didn’t get a cell phone until Anna was almost three. CAN YOU IMAGINE LEAVING THE HOUSE WITH A BABY WITHOUT A PHONE? It’s as if we were living in the dark ages back then.

I remember thinking I was a rock star in late 2000 when I ordered baby Anna a red velvet Gap baby dress (on clearance for $5!) over the Internet.

You mean I don’t even have to leave the house?  I just press a button? And it’s delivered right to my door??

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Yes, there have been many changes over the last eighteen years, but the majority of the change I’ve witnessed has occurred within the four walls of our home.

Change is unavoidable when it comes to raising a child. You are born, you begin to walk, you grow into a toddler who knows everything, you go through puberty, you grow into a teenager who knows everything, and you finish high school.

However, as a parent, I evolved as well. Beginning as a scared new parent afraid of pressing the wrong button (babies don’t have buttons), to being a parent to a toddler and never realizing how much you could despise the words no or why.

I learned how to be a really good listener when she was in middle school, and I gained a lot of patience when she was in high school.

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I read comments on social media from parents (parents of children younger than mine) making broad statements about what their children should watch. What children should read, what children should eat, what teenagers should do, and it makes me quietly laugh because they believe they have all the answers.

If I had one piece of advice for those parents, it would be this: children will humble you like nothing else in your life. Go with the flow. 

I’m glad I had my girls for a variety of reasons, the most important of which is that they made me a better version of myself.

I’ve had LOTS of moments in parenting I’m not proud of.

Screaming at the top of lungs at my kids to tell them to stop screaming at the top of their lungs.

Telling myself that I will not eat the last Little Debbie Nutty Bar then hiding it on top of the fridge for later.

Letting my newly-driving teenager know that if she drives more than 10 miles over the speed limit, a notification is sent to the tracking app and that app is linked to the police department.

By the way, get a tracking app.

But for the most part, I have become a decent person because I had Anna and Ella.

I can negotiate better than the FBI,  help with fractions, untie a knotted tennis shoe, put a ponytail up, get gum off of a hoodie, give good advice on how to tell your best friend that “no, you cannot go swimming in February and yes, I will tell her mom if you do”. 

All in less than a half hour.

I’ve also become far more compassionate, caring, understanding, and kind. I’ve gotten a little better at cleaning up bodily fluids. I’m still having trouble not joining in when they vomit…

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Eighteen years ago I was 29 years old and thought turning 30 made me old.

I was afraid of everything that kids bring with them including the flu virus, strep, vomiting, sticky hands and the like.

I had a literal panic attack in my living room when I was five months pregnant because I NEED TO FIND A SPECIAL BABY DOCTOR?!?!

Since then…..

I became a nurse without having to complete a single clinical.

I became a therapist without ever having read a single psychology textbook.

I became a lawyer without attending law school.

Without an Accounting degree, I have balanced a four-person family budget on a one-person income for the past 15 years.

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I know I still have about five months until Anna leaves for college, but time is flying by; faster than any other period of my life. I know that many mothers before me have conquered this aspect of motherhood, and I know that I will eventually get used to it.

But I doubt I’ll ever be ready.

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Beginning August 15th, there will be a huge void in our home. A void that we will never attempt to fill. A room that will remain empty until she returns home. Filling it with her energy, exuberance, and loads of laundry about which I will never complain again.

For many years, I believed that my identity as a human being could be found in important titles. But, at the end of each day, I was Mommy, then Mama, or simply Mom. And it’s only now, as one of my best projects departs for the first time, that I realize being a mother is what I’ve always wanted to do.

In the process of discovering myself, I realized that being a mother is the best thing I’ve ever done. And I’m perfectly content with that.

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I Was the Sun, The Kids Were My Planets 

(excerpt) 

Saying goodbye to your children and their childhood is much harder than all the pithy sayings make it seem. Because that’s what going to college is. It’s goodbye.

It’s not a death. And it’s not a tragedy.

But it’s not nothing, either.

To grow a child, a body changes. It needs more sleep. It rejects food it used to like. It expands and it adapts.

To let go of a child, a body changes, too. It sighs and it cries and it feels weightless and heavy at the same time.

The drive home alone without them is the worst. And the first few days. But then it gets better. The kids call, come home, bring their friends, fill the house with their energy again.

Life does go on.

“Can you give me a ride to the mall?”

`Mom, make him stop!”

I don’t miss this part of parenting, playing chauffeur and referee. But I miss them, still, all these years later, the children they were, at the dinner table, beside me on the couch, talking on the phone, sleeping in their rooms, safe, home, mine.

-Beverly Beckham (to read the rest of her piece, head here)