Anxiety, Humor, Life, Nonsense

What No One Tells You About Getting Older

 

A few months ago, I was at my local Hobby Lobby using the public bathroom and was hovering, while holding my winter coat up as not to dip into the toilet water, all while trying to keep my purse from touching the floor when I felt a fart coming on. But I was in public and didn’t want to fart so I held it in.

But it came out anyway because I am 49 years old and have had two large babies in my uterus at one point in my life.

It was then that I thought holy crap, getting old sucks. It seems like just yesterday I was using bathrooms in dance clubs all over Chicagoland wearing high heel shoe boots (it was the 90s). big hair, and even bigger purses. Half of those times, I was drunk (okay, all of those times), and never ONCE did I have to fart while peeing.

 

And just like that, my Google ratings are in the shitter.

Speaking of, here are things no one tells you about getting older.

 

getting older
Oh Lord, she’s farting. Again.

 

How much farting while peeing is happening

Here’s a dirty secret kids, when you grow older you will fart every single time you urinate. Oh sure, now you only fart when you pee first thing in the morning and can’t imagine a time when your ass will expel air with every excretion your body does, but it will.

Oh boy will it ever.

Which makes peeing in public or at a friend or family members home very embarrassing. Then if you try to hold it in, your urine won’t come out and there you sit or hover in my case, over a public (or private) toilet trying to pee and hold in a fart at the same time.

But you need to pee otherwise you will get a Urinary Tract Infection.

So you play a little game of should I embarrass myself now or end up at acute care paying a copay.

Eat your veggies, take your vitamins, go to the doctor regularly friends, so that you can get older and have to wait in a stall at the Denny’s for 15 minutes so you can fart in peace.

 

You will hurt yourself when you exercise

I have been perpetually on a diet since turning 45 (more about that later) and because of that, I have tried different exercises over the years.

I was told by my doctor that strength exercises are best for me.

So a few months ago, I pulled out the old Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred that I did back in 2013.

When I was six years younger.

 

By the way, I thought my before tummy in 2013 was bad. Ha. Ha ha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Amateur.

 

After I started this workout again, everyone around me seemed concerned for my well-being.

 

Are you sure you should be doing that program? 

What if you hurt yourself?

Wow, that’s …….impressive. 

 

I was doing it for four weeks but only able to do it 2-3 days per week and not in succession.

Because I am six years older.

It was on my birthday week that I hurt my elbow while doing a plank and was unable to work out the rest of that week.

It was after two weeks of my elbow hurting that I finally went to the doctor and she told me that I needed to stop doing the 30 Day Shred.

So I am still doing weights with a different program but can only use one arm (the one that wasn’t hurt) so now I can look lopsided in addition to looking old.

 

You have a favorite brand of vitamin, pain reliever, and acid reflux reducer

Nature Made, Naproxen, and Prevacid. I could walk into a room of people my age and could say those three words and be met with knowing nods.

 

New pain/old pain is a thing

Old pain is the pain you have had for years. That could be many things: knee pain, headaches, and the like. Pain that doesn’t really alarm you because it’s been with you for many years.

New pain is the pain that strikes you out of nowhere in unusual places. Or it could be old pain masked as a newer kind of pain. Or it could be old pain that you don’t remember because every day is pain and it is muddled all together. Or it might be a new pain/old pain combo.

 

 

Constipation prevention is key to your daily living

I have never appreciated a good bowel movement more in my life than I have in the past two years. I assume this appreciation will continue until I die.

 

You’ll start saying phrases like, “back when” and “I remember a time”  or “they don’t make it like they used to “

If I ever EVER utter these words on this blog, on social media, in a conversation, please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, stop me. I have said these words in passing to friends or family then make a joke of it like GET MY WALKER or GET OFF MY LAWN or DON’T PISS OF JAMAMAW to cover it up.

But for real, stop me.

 

You’ll have a favorite flavor of Tums

Mmm mint.

 

 

You can’t lose weight anymore

 

It is a dirty secret no one will tell you, so I am here to level with you: enjoy eating frivolously in your 20’s and 30’s because there will be a time when you can’t.

It’s called “metabolism” and we must have done something horrible to it at some point in our lives because it will CUT YOU LIKE A LITTLE BITCH when you reach your 40’s.

I have never eaten this healthy or exercised this much in my entire life and I am at my heaviest.

When I was in my 20’s, I smoked cigarettes daily, drank heavily every weekend, worked 45 plus hours on my feet each week, never exercised, and ate fast food like I was paid to do it.

I was also never heavier than 130 pounds.

I hate 27-year old me SO VERY MUCH.

 

 

You sweat just sleeping

 

I swear I am not making this up.

 

 

You can hurt yourself putting on socks

 

If you haven’t pulled a muscle while trying to get socks on, we can’t be friends.

 

Seriously, I am not trying to be Debbie Downer about getting old. I mean, it happens to most of us if we are lucky. But knowing we are not alone, that we can laugh at it, and poke fun at it in the process makes it a little bit more digestible.

Pass the tums.

Side note- if you loved this post, you will love Wine Country on Netflix. 

 

22 thoughts on “What No One Tells You About Getting Older”

  1. OMG, I am dying! One of your funniest posts ever. But so sadly true. Am I allowed to say to you, “Just wait til you’re in your 50’s?!” Cuz honey, you’re a spring chicken compared to me. I’ll be 57 in August. Things with your body get sooo much better. ROFLMAO

    Though I do have to say that I’m pretty darn healthy in general…I maybe have heartburn once or twice a year and have never had acid reflux. I hope that’s attributed to healthy eating cuz that’s how I eat most of the time. And I also have to say that I was actually much heavier when I was in my 30’s and 40’s!

    But the body physically falling apart…all in my 50’s, I’ve had a rotator cuff tear, meniscus tear (which needed surgery) and now I’m in PT for sciatica. It makes me wonder if I’m falling apart at this age, how I am going to be in my 60’s, 70’s and 80’s? I don’t even want to know…

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    1. Just tell me that it gets a little better after menopause is over. The past four years have been HELL.

      Also, might it be because we live in a colder weather climate? I think maybe we need to winter in Arizona and put it to the test.

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    1. I am a laugh snob; meaning I don’t find funny what the general public does. I was belly laughing at many parts and could picture personal friends as the characters. It was VERY relatable. 🙂

      Oh, and one of the songs in the movie was going to be the opening song of my screenplay/movie. Try and guess which one.

      ALSO, I need Tina Fey/Amy Poehler to make my screenplay a reality.

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  2. Way to relatable. I just wrote a post that is in my que (the only way I can blog- in advance when I find a pocket of time) and it is about getting old. It does suck. No lie. You did not mention cheater glasses. Thise are the worst. Bowel movements . . . do not get me started. Coach is so tired of hearing about how everything revolves around that one bodily function. Weight- that drives me nuts too. I work out like a crazy person, so why do I nit have Cindy Crawford’s bod? I better sign off or I will forget which points I have already covered . . . because I am old and it sucks!

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  3. A friend of mine and I recently texted back and forth about the way we hurt ourselves. She said this week I feel old I couldn’t get out of bed today because my back hurt. I told her that I threw my neck out putting on pants. So I win. Also, I’ve heard about the metabolism getting slower and slower, and honestly I’m horrified for it to get slower than it is now. I think that’s one of the reasons I am on such a desperate mission to get to my goal weight before my birthday. Maybe then I can just maintain forever!

    I’m so glad your site is back up, I’d been wanting to read this post all week! My reader teased me with it, and it was making me slightly more insane than usual.

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    1. Friend, you make me feel like a rockstar when you email me that my site is down.
      Thank you for that. It was kind of a shitty week.
      Taking next week off to regroup. 🙂

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  4. Nailed it. And I’m laughing. The gas alone. Gotta be careful about laughing too hard, otherwise I’ll be farting, too.

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  5. I am a little tired (well I am a lot tired, like always-you feel me, right?!) of paying doctors* to say “well you are getting older”-I have been getting older since the day I entered this world, so this really does not come as news, but being put out to pasture before fifty seems extreme!
    *shout out to my dermatologist who has never said that-I love her and must bring her flowers next year!

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  6. I personally hope your Google ratings go up because of this post. Why is it the things you need to know most are the things no one ever tells you? Thanks for saying them, and I’ll have to try mint Tums.

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  7. I checked off every single one of those things on your list. Aren’t night sweats fun? But there is another side to all of this and that is that you stop giving a damn (especially about the farts)! 😉

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  8. Love this one Kari!

    While I’m not looking forward to most of this list, I am looking forward to caring less as I get older. I’m 24 now, and although I’m still young, I’ve noticed I’ve become much more confident and care much less about what others think in the past 5 years – can’t wait for the maturity and perspective that comes with aging! 🙂

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