Anxiety, Blogging, Life

An Offer I Can’t Refuse

So here is the deal, I am leaving this WordPress and moving to a new WordPress this month.

A free WordPress.

Because I can’t afford $300 per year to run a blog where I write words and maybe make very little unreliable income on Google Ad Sense and Amazon and Collective Bias when they decide to pick me.

I can afford the $30 a year to keep my blog address and that is the only thing I would have to pay to take my blog to the other place.

I don’t know how this will affect my page views and I don’t care.

Blogging is not going to be the way I get rich and I need to leave for that reason.

I just want to write.

Not sell you shit you don’t need (#ad #spon).

I have other career plans that I am working on, none that have to do with writing.

But things that hopefully give me some purpose.

Because as much as I love being a wife and mom as well as homeschooling Ella (which I will still be doing), I also need something for me.

Woman Staring At Glass

I lost me this year, for those who didn’t know.

When my writing job stopped paying me and put us all on furlough; when I gave up all of my free time to begin homeschooling; when my husband started working insane hours again; when Anna went away to college; when an asshole wrote horrible things on my blog (if you’re reading, fuck off) and the one outlet I loved became less of an outlet.

I struggled deeply this winter. Deeper than I can ever tell you. It was bad. It was hard.

While on vacation in Destin a few weeks ago (which I am not planning on writing about for the first time in three years), it was where I met me again.

I made deals with me, I sobbed alone on the patio before everyone woke up, I told me that I need to make changes; that life shouldn’t be this much of a struggle.

I want me to be happy again, I want me to be full of life again. I want me to stop feeling so much pain.

I laughed so hard on vacation, harder than I have in a long time. I even noticed me laughing and it made me laugh even harder.

I made plans to go back to school, to chase dreams I had shoved deep down for so long in favor of everyone else’s dreams.

Then I sobbed on the last day because I loved this me. This me was gone for so long. I felt like returning home would make her disappear again.

I want to start writing posts where I don’t worry about what you all will think. My anxiety has made it so I am really concerned with what others think of me. I need to stop worrying and start writing and not give a shit if it isn’t edited to the nth degree or that the pictures aren’t perfect.

I want this blog to be a blog.

Not a carefully crafted website, not a talk piece, or a sponsored ad, or something I think will get page views and go viral.

I don’t care about any of that anymore.

I want it to be an online journal, a burn book, a diary that has big messy words and real-life statements, and just ME vomited all over the page.

But I will still add pictures because it breaks up the page and my ADD brain (I do have ADD, it’s not for effect) can’t absorb big blocks of words. 

Paragraphs and I don’t go well together.

Black Text on Gray Background

I might want to write about some symptoms I have with my health anxiety and see if anyone else feels the same way.

Or an entire post about random first world things we said while on vacation.

Right now, I feel like I need to have an agenda.

That I can’t just write about nothing or a blog post that consists of just one paragraph.

I want to start writing off of prompts so that I can let someone else do the big thinking and I can just WRITE.

It’s my blog! Why do I feel this way? I don’t even know.

Saying that I won’t ever take on a sponsored post again or write for an Amazon or Netflix felt a bit daunting at first.

What if an offer I can’t refuse comes along?

For nine years, I have been a struggling artist.

Trying to mesh the worlds of making money and writing my opinions; of trying to keep it real while selling you things like dog food or constipation medicine.

Or trying to show the world that I have meaning all while trying to balance the branding of me and my blog about “nothing”.

The screenplay I wrote came from my heart and it is the most honest pieces of writing to date if I am being transparent. Which is why when it wasn’t received as well as I thought it should be, I took it as such a personal failure.

I backed away from being me again and wrote what I thought everyone would want to hear.

I would look at posts with the high comments numbers and think, I guess this is what they like so I will write more of that.

I feel like maybe the best offer that I can’t refuse is to write about what I want to and not censor myself anymore.

Not to worry about comment counts, page views and shares on social media.

Maybe that risk is the risk worth taking.

And I feel like I am finally okay with taking that risk.

27 thoughts on “An Offer I Can’t Refuse”

  1. I love this and I love you, Friend I have never met “In real life”!! I look forward to reading your bloggy blog!! Honestly, you may have just inspired me to start my own bloggy blog. And here’s your first prompt- What the hell is “in real life” anydamnways?!!!! Happy Monday to you my friend XO

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  2. Girl, we really are kindred spirits. I have a post I’ve been writing for this week called “So long blogosphere” that’s along these same exact lines.

    It makes my heart so happy that you found you again. That you spent some quality time and laughed, with you. That you shined out and said, remember me?! I am absolutely ecstatic for you!

    And in the immortal words of Ricky Nelson, “I will follow you, follow you wherever you may go” whatever platform, or medium. I love your writing and I can’t wait for the content you write, whenever or wherever you write it.

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  3. I relate to this so very much. I’m so glad you’re going to keep writing.

    When I redesigned my blog, I stopped tracking page views. It’s been both wonderful and weird.

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    1. I used to share old posts on link parties to get page views which is a very common practice but it also feels like cheating. It’s not really cheating but it just feels that way.
      My Bloglovin’ feed is so much more real now, filled with blogs I want to read not blogs I have to read. 🙂

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  4. 👏❤️ I love you and I’m looking forward to more of you vomitted all over your blog. Bravo!!! Yay!! I’m completely jealous of your return to school. I’m going with you in spirit. I want to read about it all. You inspire me with every post. Truly. Even when they were sponsored 😉. Because you are real. THAT will shine through more as the other falls away. Great things are on your horizon. I just know it. (My husband has had to work insane hours in last six months with no pay increase. Just to hold his job. It sucks so badly. Especially now!)

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    1. Oh, Jessie, I feel for you and his hours with no pay increase. I feeeeeelllll for you. Only you much more of a workload at home than I do. Thank you for your love and support over the years. I appreciate and love you so much.

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  5. I’m sorry you felt lost and am glad you’re finding your way. I was on vacation for quite a stretch so I wasn’t able to comment (we totally unplug on vacation- non-negotiable then I delete all notices and emails when I get back. Hope I didn’t win a sweepstakes.) But I did miss you and happy belated birthday. Oh and if you ever DID feel the need to do that sponsored post again or something, who cares. To paraphrase the famous quote that is NOT Dr. Seuss…the readers who mind don’t matter and the readers who matter don’t mind. You do you, girl. We’ll still be here.

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  6. Kari, I made the same decision more than a few years ago. I write what I want, when I want. I don’t intend to ever “monetize.” I get exactly what I want out of blogging. Highly recommend. You gotta be you, and let you live. I’m sorry it was such a tough winter. My first year after my kids left was brutal, too. It wasn’t just that, but just want to validate: That’s a hard, hard transition. It’s going to get better for you. I just know it.

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  7. It sounds like somebody might have found her cape…I need to track down mine! I also need to set aside some me time and cozy up with the rest of the screenplay!!!! I haven’t forgotten about it, I just keep waiting for a reward time of sorts to read it!
    Xoxoxoxox…always

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  8. Good for you girl! Just go with you, and if the world doesn’t like it, so what? I think I’ve reached that point with my blog too. I got so sick of worrying about site speed, subscribers, how often I posted, and whether or not I was doing enough social media, that I burned out super quick & completely backed off. And like you, I just don’t care anymore. I do a post when I get ready & if I get subscribers, great. If not, that’s OK too.

    In fact, I was about ready to close the whole thing down a few months ago, and someone talked me out of it, so I’m still here. Posting when I get good & ready, so you go girl! Go with what makes YOU happy, even if it’s only a paragraph. Who cares? Sounds like it’s something you gotta do, so do it your way, even though that sounds like Burger King. Not meant that way.

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  9. Kari I once had that dilemma too. Should I post about what I want and follow my journey (in this case DIY journey) or should I pander to the masses and give them generic craft projects. I chose the former because the blog was about me not some else with no face. I did not make the big numbers but my heart was happy. After all, I never really expected to be the next Pioneer Woman. I am so grateful for all of the friends I made through the blog, and that was more than enough of a payoff. I’m glad to hear you have chosen to stay true to yourself. I may not have a chance to visit you as often as I would like because I am busy now, but I want you to know that I am with you on this one. And there is nothing wrong with a sponsorship here and there. Our mental wellbeing is so important and if a blog can help in that direction then so be it!! You go girl!

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    1. All of this, yes. The biggest payout for me at least is the people I have met along the way. Maybe that was why I was supposed to blog in the first place. I am so glad for the support I have received over the last nine years and that is priceless. 🙂

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  10. Your post made me cry! It was so real and honest and brave…I am in awe of you. It takes a lot of guts and vulnerability to put it all out there like you did. I am older than you, but can relate a lot to what you said. As you know, I left my government job 6-1/2 years ago. I hated it. It made me physically and mentally ill (major panic attacks). Since then, I’ve been at home. And just seven months ago, became an empty nester. So now here I am…just me and my husband and the cats. Do I have a “purpose”? I don’t know. Most days I’m content to just “be”. Keeping the house neat and clean, doing yard work, visiting with friends, making healthy meals for me and my husband, running all the errands, getting in some exercise, working on projects around the house, writing in my journal, writing blog posts, reading, taking photographs, going to too many effing doctor appointments lately. But there are some nights I go to bed and think, “What did I DO all day today?” But do we always have to be DOING and ACCOMPLISHING to be happy? Shouldn’t simply being and living be enough? I don’t have the answers to those things…good, philosophical questions, I guess. Some days I’m happy and content; other days I feel quite worthless. And as you know, I have a lot of anxiety, too. I also went through a bad time of depression all winter and into the spring – the worst I’ve ever had.

    Oh, Girlfriend…I could go on and on. But I’m babbling enough. Can we get together again soon – is that a possibility? I’m open to whatever…you and Ella could come here during the day; I could come there; you could come here in the early evening when Mike is home to stay with Ella and we could have wine and snacks on the patio. Although since he’s not home too often, you’d probably want to be there with him. I totally get that. Dammit, I’m babbling again. Keep me away from the coffee! Love you. xoxo

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    1. I would LOVE to get together soon. Anna is home at night now so she could even watch Ellie while I come to visit, or I can bring her with me and she can see your cats.

      It’s never babbling, by the way. It’s all written with love. Thank you for this. 🙂

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  11. You are too kind. But yes, written with love. 😉 I will leave it up to you whether you want to bring Ellie to visit or not. Either way is perfectly fine with me. xoxo

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    1. I am so glad you found yourself! I did not know you were lost, of course – because from where I sit you have it all together. So sorry things got so hard for you. Especially in the winter. I have a day here and there that gets under my skin, I can’t imagine many of those strung together. So so happy that your vacation was that instrumental and enjoyable. I thought of you while you were away.

      I have been insanely busy, but Eddie’s grad party is tomorrow . . . so here I am procrastinating on the thousand things I still have to do and fretting about the 50% rain forcast. SHIT!!! It cannot rain! Anyway I am looking forward to meeting up sometime in the next month, or sooner? Lots to talk about. Looking forward to your new ‘this is me’ approach to blogging. Gonna be geat!

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      1. LOL, I just commented that you should create a video for the party on Kizoa……WHICH IS TODAY! Omg, delete my comment.
        But the next time you need to make a video, that’s the place to go. I made three for different events (Anna’s grad party being one) and they were great.

        Can’t wait to read about his party. 🙂

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  12. Please keep me updated on your feeds, I love reading them!! You’re such a sincere and genuine friend. I’m so glad our paths crossed!! ❤️

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    1. I will! It will be the same address, so you will get the blog the same way. Just a different blog on my end mostly.

      I am so glad they crossed as well! 🙂

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