I can appreciate a bucket list, which is a list of things you want to accomplish before you die. I’m not sure when it started, but I doubt the pioneers sat around the campfire writing shit like this.
They were busy. Trying to eat, stay warm, and you know, survive.
One could only imagine a pioneer bucket list.
-find food to eat for lunch so we don’t die
-keep ourselves hidden from the rabid bear so we don’t die
-avoid getting that nasty dysentery that’s going around in the hollar so we don’t die
So, when considering what to include on a bucket list, I did some research and discovered oodles of articles about other people making bucket lists of things they want to do before they die. One list contained 10,000 items. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but unless you began when you were born, you’re gonna die before you finish it.
Then it got me to thinking again about creating a list of things I NEVER EVER want to do. Before I die, before tomorrow, before lunch. Things I never ever want to do in this lifetime.
My computer changed the word skydive to skydie when I typed it. Even my computer gets it.
Jumping out of a moving airplane with a stranger attached to my back is hardly an exhilarating experience. I’d shart my pants, and the shart would ooze out, landing on the stranger tethered to my body. And we’d be stuck together mid-air by my shart.
That’s not exciting. That’s a fucking nightmare.
Getting my nipple pierced
or my vagina. The almighty creator did not design for us to have an extra set of holes on our earlobes, let alone an extra set of holes in our boobal cavities or any of the other crucial (and sensitive) nether regions.
Have anal sex
I poop from there.
Go wine tasting at a vineyard
I don’t need to visit where it begins, I just want it to get me drunk.
Get my vagina waxed or butt hole bleached or waxed
My gynecologist informed me that the hair on my vagina serves an essential purpose: to fight bacteria. Hair down there is good! I had no idea we even had hair on our butt holes until I started watching the Kardashians. Reason 1,347 not to watch them.
Also, Bleached Butthole makes an excellent band name.
Go Black Friday shopping
I tried this once and the only good part was eating McDonald’s breakfast at 4 am. Now THAT was exhilarating.
Wait in line for a toy, new video game, the opening of a restaurant, a new version of a phone
Eat raw meat or fish
One word: tapeworm.
Do you know what doesn’t give you tapeworm?
What’s on your anti-bucket list?