Anxiety, Humor, Life, Nonsense

Things I Never Want to Do- My Anti-Bucket List

I can appreciate a bucket list; a list of things you want to accomplish before you die. Morbidity at its finest.

I don’t know when it started, but I have a feeling the pioneers didn’t sit around the campfire and write shit like this.

They were busy.

Trying to eat, stay warm, and you know, survive.

One could only imagine a pioneer bucket list.

-find food to eat for lunch so we don’t die

-keep ourselves hidden from the rabid bear so we don’t die

-make sure we don’t catch that nasty dysentery that’s going around over in the hollar so we don’t die

So when thinking about things to add to a bucket list, I did some googling and found oozles and oozles of articles about other people creating life lists of things they want to do before they die.

One list had 10,000 items on it. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but unless you started 20 years ago, you’re gonna die before you finish it.

Then it got me to thinking again about creating a list of things I NEVER EVER want to do. Before I die, before tomorrow, before lunch. Things I never ever want to do in this lifetime.

Skydive

When I typed skydive my computer changed it to skydie. Even my computer gets it.

There is no way I ever want to jump out of a moving airplane in the sky with a stranger strapped to my back and call it “exhilarating”.

I don’t get exhilarated by things like this.

I would shart my pants, then the shart would ooze out and end up on the stranger strapped to my body.

Oh wait, maybe that would be fun.

Get my nose pierced

Nor my nipple.

Nor my belly button.

Nor my vaginal regions.

God didn’t even intend for us to have an extra set of holes on our earlobes, never mind having an extra set of holes in our nasal cavities or any of the important nether regions.

Have anal sex

You, like, poop from there.

 

Blueberry With Green Leaves during Daytime

Go wine tasting at a vineyard

I don’t want to visit where it starts, I just want it to get me drunk.

Get my vagina or butt hole waxed

My gynecologist once told me that the hair down there has an important job: to fight bacteria.

Hair down there is good!

Also, I didn’t know we had hair on our butt holes until I started watching the Kardashians.

Reason 1,347 not to watch them.

Paper Bags Near Wall

Go Black Friday shopping

I actually did this once and the only thing good about it was eating McDonald’s breakfast at 4 am.

Now THAT felt exhilarating.

I liken going shopping at 4 a.m. the day after eating mass quantities of food, for me at least, like going to prison.

As a former retail employee for the fine Kohl’s establishments, I worked 14 Black Fridays.

I did my time and I’m not going back in.

Wait in line for a toy, new video game, the opening of a restaurant, a new version of a phone

See above.

California Maki on Dish

Eat raw meat or fish

One word: tapeworm.

Do you know what doesn’t give you tapeworm?

Booze.

 

What’s on your anti-bucket list?

20 thoughts on “Things I Never Want to Do- My Anti-Bucket List”

  1. Hmm, I guess mine would be to not watch a single episode of “you HAVE to watch this” TV or movie franchise so yeah, sorry Game of Thrones, Walking Dead and Harry Potter. I give zero poo’s about your thone, dead or wizardry.

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  2. Lol. I really enjoyed this post. I’ve also done a fair majority of things on this post. They’re not all that bad, I promise you. Hahahah

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      1. You don’t believe me that I enjoyed this post? Or you don’t believe me that I’ve done these things and they’re not so awful? Haha

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  3. 10,000 items 😮 I wouldn’t be able to think of that many things ever.

    The nose ring wouldn’t bother me. And I like sushi. Black Friday shopping was worth it 20 years ago. Now it’s online shopping all the way. Everything else- I’m with you.

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  4. I do not even have my ears pierced so with you there and actually on most of the rest. No sushi. No skydiving. No black Friday shopping (big Irish dancing competition that weekend, so like so many other things- like having excess funds – even if I wanted to, I can’t. Thanks Irish dancing, more for sucking my funds). No interest in visiting vineyards. And like Mrs. Kringle, none of those shows/movies interest me, although I have seen parts of Harry Potter when my kids have it on. And I kid you not, it is always the same part.

    As for me, I think I never intend to golf. Boring. Warm weather equates napping next to the pool not following a small ball around a golf course. I also think I will not attend another concert. I mean never say never, but I think that ship has sailed. Oh, and never intend to better myself by learning another language. Was forced to try that in high school and college. Know your limits. I am a one language kind of gal!

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    1. I feel like you and I will get along well when we eventually meet to work on our novel.
      Did I say that out loud?

      Also, I always see this Butterbeer or something recipe on Pinterest that has something to do with Harry Potter and I hate that I don’t know what this means.
      It’s like being left out of a joke.

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  5. I think your blog is the only one I know about and read that talks about things like anal sex and butthole waxing, lol. Keep it real and humorous, my friend! Just one reason why I love you. Anyhoo (I think it’s actually spelled anywho, but my way of spelling it looks a lot better), I am with you on every single one of these things except the wine tasting at the vineyard. But let me back up: it has to be the vineyards in Napa Valley. Then it’s totally enthralling.

    Hmm…what else would be on my anti-bucket list…riding a roller coaster, learning to shoot a gun/pistol, bungee jumping, going to Vegas (this introvert has no desire to go somewhere crowded with bright lights, excess noise and gambling), going to an opera. I’m sure there’s more but that’s just off the top of my head.

    xoxo

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    1. That first line is the best testimonial ever. Gonna need to add it to the 10 year blogging anniversary post.

      I actually would do a wine tasting in Napa because that would be amazing. Anywhere else, eh.

      I’m with you on your anti-list too. Except I have ridden many roller coasters in my day but now that I’m older, it’s just not as much fun.

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  6. One of the added bonuses of this post is that folks searching for ‘butthole waxing’ have a chance of discovering your amazing corner of the internets.

    So I went skydiving when I was 23 and it was amazing. AMAZING! But now, at 37 there is no way in hell I would do it again. Honestly when I think about it my palms start sweating.

    Also I pierced my nose when I was 15 and I absolutely loved it. Every few years I’ll throw something in the hole, but I normally go without cause I can’t find something small enough that doesn’t hurt going in and out (that’s what she said). Though on that note, I have no desire to get any more piercings.

    I want to go on a wine tasting because it looks so fun in the movies. But I don’t have enough lady friends to take with me to make it really wild.

    Oh and about waxing. I had a friend who used to get Brazilian waxes and the said that she actually cried the night before, every time, because it hurt so much. I’m all about keeping things neat, but I have no need to look like I have yet to go through puberty!

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    1. I don’t know if that is a good thing or bad but I kind of like it. (referring to the butthole waxing….can’t say it enough)

      I feel like we could get some of my amazing commenters/bloggers/friends together for an epic Wine Country and it would be so much better than anything Tina Fey could dream up.

      I find it icky that men are really attracted to bare down there. For real.

      Also, I was laughing the entire time writing this from your nose hole sexual comment.

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  7. I’ve been out of the loop for MONTHS and I was cracking up reading this. 6/8 accomplished 😂. Only a couple are worth it! Anyway, I missed like 3 blogs and yours was one of them. Never stop, mkay?

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