Humor, Life, Nonsense

What to Expect When You’re Living

If you’ve ever been pregnant or known someone who has, you may know about this book:

Courtesy of Amazon

I lived off of this book for my entire first pregnancy and most of my second.

Everyone says they wished they had a manual for life and honestly, that book up there was it.

Because sometimes you just need someone to tell you exactly what to do.

Which kind of ties in perfectly for my latest prompt:


Give life advice for every letter of the alphabet


Wait! Did the prompt just say I can create my own little manual?

No, it didn’t say that.

Tell you what to do to live life??

Where in the prompt did you even see that?

For every friggin’ letter of the friggin’ alphabet???

For the love of God, please stop.

Oh, it’s on. It is SO on.

Always bring sanitary napkins/tampons/ menstruation accoutrement with you whenever you wear light-colored garments, even if your period was just last week.

Be especially kind to the person who will most likely decide whether or not you will be admitted into a nursing home when you get old.

Cutting your own bangs is never a good idea, regardless of what YouTube tells you.

Use This Tip When You Want To Take A S**t Discretely
Courtesy of Bored Panda

Don’t worry about wearing panties with holes in them in case you’re in an accident because if you are indeed in an accident, you’ve probably already pooped all over them, so holes are rather meaningless at that point.

Exercise is difficult, but cheesecake is not.

Fiber is French for “tastes like shit but loosens your bowels.”

Going to the movies by yourself isn’t actually going by yourself because you’ll be surrounded by bedbugs, lice, and rodents.

Having sex burns only 69 calories for women and 100 calories for men. Why bother when you can burn up to 350 calories just by fidgeting?

If you can’t recall who the strange neighbor on your street is, you’re the strange neighbor on your street.

Just when you think you’re doing a fantastic job as a parent, your adult child says “you did yell a lot. That’s probably why I don’t like loud noises.”

Kindness and being the better person are admirable traits, but nothing beats the satisfaction of filling out a subscription card for Juggs magazine to send to someone who has wronged you.

Life is too short to wear uncomfortable clothing. Get a larger size, so you can eat more nachos.

Make sure to tip at least 20%. I’m not being funny, just do it.

Eat For Free For The Rest Of Your Life
Courtesy of Bored Panda

Nobody cares if you’re at the airport, so quit checking in on Facebook.

Once you post a photo of your scab, a political opinion, or your relationship with Jesus on any social media platform, I will unfollow you, as will the majority of your friends.

Put all of your extra change in a jar every day, and when it’s full, buy yourself something special. Like snacks to hide (see the letter U).

Quietly walking down the stairs is guaranteed to wake someone anyway, so be as loud as you want to be. Life is too short for stressful walking.

Remember, be a smart feller NOT a fart smeller. Credit goes to my dad, who said this all of the time growing up and I felt it appropriate for this list

Shave only the regions of your body that will be visible.

Think twice before stuffing mints from a bowl in the fancy restrooms into your mouth.

Under the bathroom sink is an excellent area to hide the snacks that you don’t want the other members of the family to find.

V another handy hiding place is among the cleaning supplies. (I couldn’t come up with anything that began with the letter V)

When your dog licks your face, know that they probably just stuck their tongue up their asshole.

X-rated movies become less appealing when you consider that your parents likely watched some at one point in their lives. You could be a result of one.

You can either buy a candy bar from a vending machine for $2 OR acquire a rock for free and obtain all the candy in the vending machine. This wasn’t my idea. Head here for the Inspiration

Zoos are constantly crowded and peopley, so if you don’t like that, don’t go. Why do you think we use the word ZOO to describe chaos? Duh.

You’re welcome.

16 thoughts on “What to Expect When You’re Living”

  1. “Shave only the parts of your body that will show.” Or skip shaving until a John Deere is required because if you’re close enough to see anything less than tractor worthy then you’re too close to me anyway.

    Oh yeah and Vajazzling…don’t do it.

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    1. The one thing I love about winter is that I can use the excuse, โ€œnot shaving because I need to keep warmโ€.

      I feel a vajazzling post is in order.

      Like

  2. That book was published in 1984 so I had already had my babies but I know many who have read it. You say this post was a prompt? Do you do short story prompts?

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    1. Not really short story prompts, but blogging prompts. If you Google “blog post prompts” or go on Pinterest, you can find TONS of inspiration.
      Since starting this “new” blog, I have run out of ideas to blog about so prompts have been helping me with the transition.

      Like

      1. Oh ok. I was just curious as I started a short story prompt linkup which includes stories ranging in word length from micro, flash, and short-short to short.

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  3. How did I miss this? Maybe I was a crazed lunatic getting the fam ready to travel to Vancouver in two shifts and organizing as much food as physically possible to pack in our checked luggage?

    I have 2 V suggestions: Visit Vancouver (hey, double V’s, do I get extra points?) Because it is an amazing city with built in wilderness/mountains/water- just not a heck of a lot of sun.

    Or: Valentine’s Day is a sham, so don’t over celebrate it or your kids will be disappointed as adults.

    BTW no where in that expecting book did it say one could have a 3rd degree tear and exit the hospital still sporting a catheter. One might feel LIED too. ‘But the book never said this was possible if you are 2 weeks late and you birth a big ass baby with a big Irish head! WTF?’

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    1. I was just talking to my mom about places I have always wanted to visit and Vancouver is at the top of that list. I hope you are going to be sharing pictures in a blog post so I can plan! I can feel my bank account sobbing at this statement.

      I love your V contributions- WHY ARE YOU NOT WRITING THIS BLOG??

      What is WITH the Irish head??? Both of my girls had the big-ass heads. Anna is a lot less Irish than Ella but their head game was STRONG.

      Like

  4. I LOVED THIS!!!!!!

    Victoria does have a secret, and in my experience it has been that she does not think we all deserve pretty bras!

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  5. I love all your advice. Well given and timely.
    If I had to pick ONE favorite it would be: No one cares if you are at the airport so stop checking in on Facebook.
    Just one of my (many) pet peeves.
    p.s I think I still have the What to expect book and my children are 26 and 23….you just never know when a question might pop up that I need an answer to.

    Liked by 1 person

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