Humor, Life, Nonsense

What to Expect When You’re Living

Courtesy of Amazon

You may be familiar with the book What to Expect When You’re Expecting if you’ve ever been pregnant or know someone who has. I lived off of this book throughout the duration of my first pregnancy and most of my second. Everyone says they wish they had a manual for life, and that book was it. Because sometimes all you need is someone to tell you what to do.

Which kind of ties in perfectly for my latest prompt:


Give life advice for every letter of the alphabet


Wait! Did the prompt just say I can create my own little manual?

No, it didn’t say that.

Tell you what to do to live life??

Where in the prompt did you even see that?

For every friggin’ letter of the friggin’ alphabet???

For the love of God, please stop.

Oh, it’s on. It is SO on.

Always bring sanitary napkins/tampons/ menstruation accoutrement with you, even if your period was only a week ago.

Be especially considerate to the person who will most likely decide whether you will be admitted to a nursing home when you are old.

Cutting your own bangs is never a good idea, regardless of what YouTube says.

Use This Tip When You Want To Take A S**t Discretely
Courtesy of Bored Panda

Don’t worry about wearing underwear with holes in them in case of an accident since if you are in an accident, you’ve probably already pooped all over them, thus holes are irrelevant at that point.

Exercise is difficult, but eating cheesecake is not.

Fiber is French for “tastes like shit yet loosens your bowels.”

Going to the movies by yourself isn’t really going by yourself because you’ll be surrounded by bedbugs, lice, and rodents.

Having sex burns only 69 calories for women and 100 calories for men. Why bother when fidgeting can burn up to 350 calories?

If you can’t remember who the strange neighbor on your street is, you’re the strange neighbor on your street.

Just when you think you’re doing a great job as a parent, your adult child tells you “You did yell a lot. That’s probably why I’m not a fan of loud noises.”

Kindness and being the bigger person are admirable qualities, but nothing surpasses the joy of filling out a Juggs magazine subscription card to send to someone who has mistreated you.

Life is too short to wear uncomfortable clothing. Purchase a larger size so you can eat more nachos.

Make sure to leave at least 20% of the bill as a tip. I’m not trying to be funny; just do it.

Eat For Free For The Rest Of Your Life
Courtesy of Bored Panda

Nobody cares if you’re at the airport, so stop checking in on Facebook.

Once you use the restroom for the first time on a road trip, you have officially “broken the seal.” Thus the floodgates are opened (pun intended) and you must proceed with caution.

Put all of your spare change in a jar every day, and when it’s full, treat yourself to something special. Like snacks to hide (see the letter U).

Quietly walking down the stairs is guaranteed to wake someone anyway, so be as loud as you want to be. Life is too short for stressful walking.

Remember, be a smart feller NOT a fart smeller. Credit goes to my dad, who used to say this all the time when I was growing up, and I thought it was fitting for this list.

Shave only the regions of your body that will be visible (or don’t shave at all).

Think twice before cramming mints from a bowl in the fancy restrooms into your mouth.

Under the bathroom sink is a great place to hide snacks that you don’t want the rest of the family to find.

V Another useful hiding spot is amid the cleaning supplies. (I couldn’t think of anything that started with the letter V)

When your dog licks your face, know that they probably just stuck their tongue up their asshole.

X-rated movies become less appealing when you realize that your parents probably watched one at some point in their lives. You could be the outcome of one.

You can either buy a candy bar from a vending machine for $2 OR acquire a rock for free and obtain all the candy in the vending machine. This wasn’t my idea. Head here for the Inspiration

Zoos are always crowded and peopley, so if that bothers you, don’t go. Why do you think the word ZOO is used to describe chaos? Duh.

You’re welcome.

16 thoughts on “What to Expect When You’re Living”

  1. “Shave only the parts of your body that will show.” Or skip shaving until a John Deere is required because if you’re close enough to see anything less than tractor worthy then you’re too close to me anyway.

    Oh yeah and Vajazzling…don’t do it.

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    1. The one thing I love about winter is that I can use the excuse, “not shaving because I need to keep warm”.

      I feel a vajazzling post is in order.

      Like

  2. That book was published in 1984 so I had already had my babies but I know many who have read it. You say this post was a prompt? Do you do short story prompts?

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    1. Not really short story prompts, but blogging prompts. If you Google “blog post prompts” or go on Pinterest, you can find TONS of inspiration.
      Since starting this “new” blog, I have run out of ideas to blog about so prompts have been helping me with the transition.

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      1. Oh ok. I was just curious as I started a short story prompt linkup which includes stories ranging in word length from micro, flash, and short-short to short.

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  3. How did I miss this? Maybe I was a crazed lunatic getting the fam ready to travel to Vancouver in two shifts and organizing as much food as physically possible to pack in our checked luggage?

    I have 2 V suggestions: Visit Vancouver (hey, double V’s, do I get extra points?) Because it is an amazing city with built in wilderness/mountains/water- just not a heck of a lot of sun.

    Or: Valentine’s Day is a sham, so don’t over celebrate it or your kids will be disappointed as adults.

    BTW no where in that expecting book did it say one could have a 3rd degree tear and exit the hospital still sporting a catheter. One might feel LIED too. ‘But the book never said this was possible if you are 2 weeks late and you birth a big ass baby with a big Irish head! WTF?’

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    1. I was just talking to my mom about places I have always wanted to visit and Vancouver is at the top of that list. I hope you are going to be sharing pictures in a blog post so I can plan! I can feel my bank account sobbing at this statement.

      I love your V contributions- WHY ARE YOU NOT WRITING THIS BLOG??

      What is WITH the Irish head??? Both of my girls had the big-ass heads. Anna is a lot less Irish than Ella but their head game was STRONG.

      Like

  4. I LOVED THIS!!!!!!

    Victoria does have a secret, and in my experience it has been that she does not think we all deserve pretty bras!

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  5. I love all your advice. Well given and timely.
    If I had to pick ONE favorite it would be: No one cares if you are at the airport so stop checking in on Facebook.
    Just one of my (many) pet peeves.
    p.s I think I still have the What to expect book and my children are 26 and 23….you just never know when a question might pop up that I need an answer to.

    Liked by 1 person

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