You may be familiar with the book What to Expect When You’re Expecting if you’ve ever been pregnant or know someone who has. I lived off of this book throughout the duration of my first pregnancy and most of my second. Everyone says they wish they had a manual for life, and that book was it. Because sometimes all you need is someone to tell you what to do.
Which kind of ties in perfectly for my latest prompt:
Give life advice for every letter of the alphabet
Wait! Did the prompt just say I can create my own little manual?
No, it didn’t say that.
Tell you what to do to live life??
Where in the prompt did you even see that?
For every friggin’ letter of the friggin’ alphabet???
For the love of God, please stop.
Oh, it’s on. It is SO on.
Always bring sanitary napkins/tampons/ menstruation accoutrement with you, even if your period was only a week ago.
Be especially considerate to the person who will most likely decide whether you will be admitted to a nursing home when you are old.
Cutting your own bangs is never a good idea, regardless of what YouTube says.
Don’t worry about wearing underwear with holes in them in case of an accident since if you are in an accident, you’ve probably already pooped all over them, thus holes are irrelevant at that point.
Exercise is difficult, but eating cheesecake is not.
Fiber is French for “tastes like shit yet loosens your bowels.”
Going to the movies by yourself isn’t really going by yourself because you’ll be surrounded by bedbugs, lice, and rodents.
Having sex burns only 69 calories for women and 100 calories for men. Why bother when fidgeting can burn up to 350 calories?
If you can’t remember who the strange neighbor on your street is, you’re the strange neighbor on your street.
Just when you think you’re doing a great job as a parent, your adult child tells you “You did yell a lot. That’s probably why I’m not a fan of loud noises.”
Kindness and being the bigger person are admirable qualities, but nothing surpasses the joy of filling out a Juggs magazine subscription card to send to someone who has mistreated you.
Life is too short to wear uncomfortable clothing. Purchase a larger size so you can eat more nachos.
Make sure to leave at least 20% of the bill as a tip. I’m not trying to be funny; just do it.
Nobody cares if you’re at the airport, so stop checking in on Facebook.
Once you use the restroom for the first time on a road trip, you have officially “broken the seal.” Thus the floodgates are opened (pun intended) and you must proceed with caution.
Put all of your spare change in a jar every day, and when it’s full, treat yourself to something special. Like snacks to hide (see the letter U).
Quietly walking down the stairs is guaranteed to wake someone anyway, so be as loud as you want to be. Life is too short for stressful walking.
Remember, be a smart feller NOT a fart smeller. Credit goes to my dad, who used to say this all the time when I was growing up, and I thought it was fitting for this list.
Shave only the regions of your body that will be visible (or don’t shave at all).
Think twice before cramming mints from a bowl in the fancy restrooms into your mouth.
Under the bathroom sink is a great place to hide snacks that you don’t want the rest of the family to find.
V Another useful hiding spot is amid the cleaning supplies. (I couldn’t think of anything that started with the letter V)
When your dog licks your face, know that they probably just stuck their tongue up their asshole.
X-rated movies become less appealing when you realize that your parents probably watched one at some point in their lives. You could be the outcome of one.
You can either buy a candy bar from a vending machine for $2 OR acquire a rock for free and obtain all the candy in the vending machine. This wasn’t my idea. Head here for the Inspiration
Zoos are always crowded and peopley, so if that bothers you, don’t go. Why do you think the word ZOO is used to describe chaos? Duh.