A few weeks ago I mentioned that I found a couple of unpublished posts from my old Blogger account and wanted to share them here because they had never seen the light of day.
The interesting thing here is the date in the title, fall of 2020. I originally wrote this in 2016 and even though it was only four years ago, it seems like so much longer.
The fact that I even thought a book I wrote would be on the clearance rack by this fall makes me laugh.
I would love to write a book but the only thing stopping me is a subject because I am random at best. I have even joked to people who ask what my blog is about by telling them it is “the Seinfeld of blogs”.
So what on Earth I would write about in 300 pages or less to hold one’s attention, is anyone’s guess. If any of you know a literary agent who could help me with that, give them my name.
First written August 7, 2016
I want to write a book. There, I just put it out into the Universe.
So then, it’s gotta come true. Right?
Only, I don’t know what I want to write about. Should it be fiction or non-fiction? Should it be about my boring life, written in fictional form? Or written as an autobiography?
Who even buys an autobiography about someone who isn’t famous?
So it SHOULD be fiction!
OR! Nonfiction about DIY! You know, decorating on the cheap. Going to Dollar Tree and turning crap into less crap?
Or how about a tutorial on how to write a blog without any writing, English, or grammar experience whatsoever.
So a classic rags to riches story.
I have a few ideas sloshing around in my brain and they usually come to me when I am alone in the car listening to music. Sometimes, I can even hear the soundtrack of my life. Does anyone else do this? Like, I can hear the music one would play if my life were a made-for-TV movie.
Directed by John Hughes, of course.
What would be the opening song to the movie of your life?
For some reason, mine always comes to me as Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown by Jim Croce and I have no idea why.
As the opening credits are running across the screen, a little orange Volkwagen station wagon is driving furiously down the rural backroads of the Ohio landscape where I entered this world as my parents are on the way to the hospital.
Yes, I know there are meds for these types of thoughts.
DOES ANYONE ELSE DO THIS??
While we are on that note, who would play you in the movie about your life?
I pick Joey Lauren Adams or Kyra Sedgwick for me.
If Kyra plays me, then I get to be married to Kevin Bacon.
I think that’s how movies work.
Of course, they would have to have a husky voice, a slight lisp, bifocals, have to gain a good 50 pounds and have really bad seasonal allergies.
So you know, dream role of a lifetime.
The book idea started years ago with me thinking about writing a fictional book about all the guys I have dated/married/ been engaged to over the years. It sounds seedy but it’s really not as those who read my high school diary post can recall.
I would of course change names and some embellishing would happen as well because if you’ve known any of my exes, embellishing is necessary.
Another idea was writing about what it was like growing up in the 80s.
Or the club scene in the 90s. Think Club MTV but with fewer bicycle shorts.
But hasn’t this been done? Is it a comedy? Drama? Historical? Cartoon?
So. Many. Questions.
That’s the thing really, it’s all been done before, hasn’t it?
Rap songs using musical riffs from 70s and 80s music. Entire remakes of old songs. Old artists remaking their own songs.
And Hollywood can’t seem to make an original movie anymore. Can you say Ghostbusters remaking a move that takes off from the 1989 Ghostbusters part two? Never mind that they remade Ghostbusters this year from the original movie in 1984 and it completely flopped.
Being original isn’t as important as it used to be, it seems.
I also don’t really like to read the same books as mainstream America, which adds another conundrum on whether I should write a book because I don’t seem to have a finger on the pulse of what sells.
If I don’t like what most people like, why would they like ME?
For example, I do not get the whole Cheryl Strayed thing.
The book about going on a backpacking trip across America?
LOST ON ME,
Because in order to “find yourself”, you need to be loaded.
Guess what? REI costs a shit-ton of money; taking off for Nepal (or wherever the hell she went) ala Eat Pray Love (another rich people finding themselves book) isn’t something the average American can do on the fly.
My monetary level of “finding myself” is buying the good ice cream or paying for shipping on Amazon.
So I can’t relate to Cheryl or Elizabeth up there, which is why I am not normal because I feel like most of you can.
And when I say “you”, I don’t mean YOU, my readers. I feel like all y’all are very much like me.
I love that, by the way.
I am the kind of person who sees the above meme and can totally relate this as a serious struggle.
Not that I wake up at 11 am, I’m just saying that these kinds of things are relatable to me.
Not Eat Pray Love.
2020 Editor note (that’s me, by the way) – Tinky was my parent’s dog who went to heaven a year after I wrote this. We miss you so much still, Tink.
I even thought about writing a children’s book about Ellie and adventures with my parent’s dog, Tink.
Because they love each other a lot, hang out together, “get” each other, and who in the hell doesn’t love a good kid/dog book?
I pinned a ton of “how to write a children’s book” posts; I even started writing a manuscript on construction paper for God’s sake!
When I finally sat down at the computer to compose my kid/dog opus, I had nothing.
Writer’s block, as they say in the “biz”.
Because I don’t know how to sound genuine without being funny.
Kids can see right through you! Some are bullshit whisperers and will call you OUT on your stupidity.
WHO KNEW IT COULD BE SO HARD TO WRITE A KID/DOG BOOK??
Then I thought about all of the teachers who would be reading my kid/dog book TO the kids in their class and I got serious stage fright.
You know what? Celebrities have people who write books for them!
So why can’t I have someone help me write a book? I mean, I know I am not a celebrity but there have to be people who can write a book for someone else on the cheap, right?
A ghostwriter? Isn’t that what they’re called?
Because we all know that most celebrities who write books were never writers, to begin with.
ORR, maybe I should write books for them.
Then I could finally say I wrote a book!
Wait, can ghostwriters tell other people about the books they write? Or is it a secret? Like a ghost?
I have no business writing a book.