Blogging, Humor, John Hughes

The World’s Most Boring Book (In Paperback by Fall 2020)

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I found a couple of unpublished posts from my old Blogger account and wanted to share them here because they had never seen the light of day. 

The interesting thing here is the date in the title, fall of 2020. I originally wrote this in 2016 and even though it was only four years ago, it seems like so much longer.

The fact that I even thought a book I wrote would be on the clearance rack by this fall makes me laugh.  

I would love to write a book but the only thing stopping me is a subject because I am random at best. I have even joked to people who ask what my blog is about by telling them it is “the Seinfeld of blogs”. 

So what on Earth I would write about in 300 pages or less to hold one’s attention, is anyone’s guess. If any of you know a literary agent who could help me with that, give them my name. 


First written August 7, 2016


 

I want to write a book. There, I just put it out into the Universe.

So then, it’s gotta come true. Right?

Only, I don’t know what I want to write about. Should it be fiction or non-fiction? Should it be about my boring life, written in fictional form? Or written as an autobiography?

Who even buys an autobiography about someone who isn’t famous?

So it SHOULD be fiction!

OR! Nonfiction about DIY! You know, decorating on the cheap. Going to Dollar Tree and turning crap into less crap?

Or how about a tutorial on how to write a blog without any writing, English, or grammar experience whatsoever.

So a classic rags to riches story.

 

 

I have a few ideas sloshing around in my brain and they usually come to me when I am alone in the car listening to music. Sometimes, I can even hear the soundtrack of my life. Does anyone else do this? Like, I can hear the music one would play if my life were a made-for-TV movie.

Directed by John Hughes, of course. 

What would be the opening song to the movie of your life?

For some reason, mine always comes to me as Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown by Jim Croce and I have no idea why.

 

 

As the opening credits are running across the screen, a little orange Volkwagen station wagon is driving furiously down the rural backroads of the Ohio landscape where I entered this world as my parents are on the way to the hospital.

Yes, I know there are meds for these types of thoughts.

DOES ANYONE ELSE DO THIS??

While we are on that note, who would play you in the movie about your life?

I pick Joey Lauren Adams or Kyra Sedgwick for me.

 

Image result for joey lauren adams
Courtesy of Wikipedia

 

Image result for kyra sedgwick
Courtesy of Wikimedia

 

If Kyra plays me, then I get to be married to Kevin Bacon.

I think that’s how movies work.

Of course, they would have to have a husky voice, a slight lisp, bifocals, have to gain a good 50 pounds and have really bad seasonal allergies.

So you know, dream role of a lifetime.

The book idea started years ago with me thinking about writing a fictional book about all the guys I have dated/married/ been engaged to over the years.  It sounds seedy but it’s really not as those who read my high school diary post can recall.

I would of course change names and some embellishing would happen as well because if you’ve known any of my exes, embellishing is necessary.

 

 

Another idea was writing about what it was like growing up in the 80s.

Or the club scene in the 90s. Think Club MTV but with fewer bicycle shorts.

But hasn’t this been done? Is it a comedy? Drama? Historical? Cartoon?

So. Many. Questions.

That’s the thing really, it’s all been done before, hasn’t it?

Rap songs using musical riffs from 70s and 80s music. Entire remakes of old songs. Old artists remaking their own songs.

And Hollywood can’t seem to make an original movie anymore. Can you say Ghostbusters remaking a move that takes off from the 1989 Ghostbusters part two?  Never mind that they remade Ghostbusters this year from the original movie in 1984 and it completely flopped.

Being original isn’t as important as it used to be, it seems.

 

 

I also don’t really like to read the same books as mainstream America, which adds another conundrum on whether I should write a book because I don’t seem to have a finger on the pulse of what sells.

If I don’t like what most people like, why would they like ME?

For example, I do not get the whole Cheryl Strayed thing.

 

Image result for cheryl strayed wild
Courtesy of Amazon

 

The book about going on a backpacking trip across America?

LOST ON ME,

Because in order to “find yourself”, you need to be loaded.

Have money.

Got funds.

Guess what? REI costs a shit-ton of money; taking off for Nepal (or wherever the hell she went) ala Eat Pray Love (another rich people finding themselves book) isn’t something the average American can do on the fly.

My monetary level of “finding myself” is buying the good ice cream or paying for shipping on Amazon.

So I can’t relate to Cheryl or Elizabeth up there, which is why I am not normal because I feel like most of you can.

And when I say “you”, I don’t mean YOU, my readers. I feel like all y’all are very much like me.

I love that, by the way. 

 

Image result for too late for breakfast too early for lunch
Courtesy of Quick Meme

 

I am the kind of person who sees the above meme and can totally relate this as a serious struggle.

Not that I wake up at 11 am, I’m just saying that these kinds of things are relatable to me.

Not Eat Pray Love.

2020 Editor note (that’s me, by the way) – Tinky was my parent’s dog who went to heaven a year after I wrote this. We miss you so much still, Tink. 

I even thought about writing a children’s book about Ellie and adventures with my parent’s dog, Tink.

Because they love each other a lot, hang out together, “get” each other, and who in the hell doesn’t love a good kid/dog book?

I pinned a ton of “how to write a children’s book” posts; I even started writing a manuscript on construction paper for God’s sake!

When I finally sat down at the computer to compose my kid/dog opus, I had nothing.

Writer’s block, as they say in the “biz”.

Why?

Because I don’t know how to sound genuine without being funny.

Kids can see right through you! Some are bullshit whisperers and will call you OUT on your stupidity.

WHO KNEW IT COULD BE SO HARD TO WRITE A KID/DOG BOOK??

Then I thought about all of the teachers who would be reading my kid/dog book TO the kids in their class and I got serious stage fright.

 

 

You know what? Celebrities have people who write books for them!

So why can’t I have someone help me write a book? I mean, I know I am not a celebrity but there have to be people who can write a book for someone else on the cheap, right?

A ghostwriter? Isn’t that what they’re called?

Because we all know that most celebrities who write books were never writers, to begin with.

ORR, maybe I should write books for them.

Then I could finally say I wrote a book!

Wait, can ghostwriters tell other people about the books they write? Or is it a secret? Like a ghost?

 

 

I have no business writing a book.

16 thoughts on “The World’s Most Boring Book (In Paperback by Fall 2020)”

  1. This is awesome. I am trying to write a book about my life- or at least about the funny things thst have happened on my life. I DO worry that it will not be read by anyone BECAUSE I am not famous. WHEN my book becomes a movie (and yes I do think these thoughts- so right there with you), I would be played by Kristen Wiig or Joan Kusack. Krizren would need to bulk up. I do hear music as my backdrop but typical me- unless it is playing on the radio I cannot think of the name of it.

    You could write a book about bloggers who realize they once crossed paths in a somewhat memorable way! I would read a book you write- especially if you do not stay on topic. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can TOTALLY see Joan Cusack playing you! Isn’t there a doppelganger app or website you can plug pictures in? I feel like that would be JUST the time waster I need to NOT write a book.

      OUR STORY IS SO GOOD. It needs to be written. Soon.

      Like

  2. When I read the line about what would be the opening song to the movie of my life, immediately “Bat Out of Hell” came to mind and I don’t know why because I don’t like Meatloaf. (The artist, not the food because meatloaf is delicious and I just had some last night. Hmm, maybe that’s where it came from.)

    I think people’s lives are actually way more interesting. While I’m a big celeb memoir reader, it’s only because I know more about them. (It’s a double edged sword because it can really tarnish your view of your idols. Except Billy Idol’s…that was good and exactly when you’d expect. Get the audiobook because listening to him read his story…holy mother.) My niece about lost it when she interviewed me for a school project. (Get to know a family member you’re not close to) She found out I hung out with hair bands and pro-wrestlers in my day and you can bet I get a big smile when I see her because she sees me in a whole new light. While those are flashy things, there’s tragedy, drama, triumph and everything in between. We all have stories and every day, we sit/stand next to people never asking them about theirs. You write the perfect description and it’ll draw people in…famous or not.

    I have ZERO idea who would play me. I don’t look like any celeb because they couldn’t handle all of this. If it were my dream casting that didn’t have to look like me, I like that chick that plays Delilah on A Million Little Things. She’s hot and French.

    You can literally write anything. Have you seen Amazon? I say go for it. You’ll find your audience. Just copyright it first before publishing it because I’ve read far too many horror stories about self publishing from those who don’t.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are SO FUCKING interesting to me! That’s it! I am turning your comments into my first book. Or all of the comments. That actually might be an interesting read.

      Also, meatloaf is delicious. The singer is not.

      “You can literally write anything. Have you seen Amazon?” is why I absolutely adore you.

      Can we please meet in 2020??

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I get the appeal (sort of) about Wild and Eat, Pray, Love though I have no desire to ever (and I mean EVER!) try either one of them out. If I want to “find myself” and I can afford either of those scenarios I’m going to choose to find myself on a nice beach in Hawaii in a beautiful resort sipping something fruity and tropical with a good book.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I would read ANYTHING you write…loved your screenplay, love your blog! Your writing is fantastic and you’re funny as hell. OMG you and Joey Lauren whats-her-name (I had to look her up to even see who she is) look so much alike; she could definitely play you. Though then you’d be missing out on being married to Kevin Bacon. I mean, he’s dreamy enough as is…but who would’ve want BACON to be their last name?

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Not nonsense. Nothing wrong with dreams and goals. I still think we would make a great team for home staging and/or decorating. But HOW to get started and get clients?!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I know a lot of people get into blogging as a way to work their way up to writing a book. I did used to want to write books, but blogging actually cured me of it. I feel like blogging gave me most of the things I wanted from writing, and I totally get what you mean by not being able to sound genuine without being funny. In my fiction, people stood around awkwardly and I couldn’t figure out how to get them from the kitchen to the living room and when I reread it it is the most magnificent experience of cringe ever. When I reread my blog I’m like “damn, I really am terribly witty” (and modest).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is such a great perspective because I love blogging so much and think that writing a book won’t give me the same feeling.

      I think it was an ego thing to get a book published but also a monetary thing because I would love to make money doing something I love.

      Thank you so much for this perspective! ❤️

      Like

  6. First off, perfect choices for the actresses playing you. I’d go with Kyra though, cause her hair!

    OK secondly, your writing inspires me. I honestly feel like reading your writing has made me a better writer. You are true to yourself, and you are legit funny. Laugh out loud while I’m reading, funny.

    If you wrote a book not only would I buy it and read it, I would buy it for my friends and family too.

    Lastly, I have a plot for you. Here’s what I challenge you with for your book. You need to write a book about writing. How your writing has evolved with this blog. The screenplay you wrote. The journey of it all. Honestly just the story line of your John Hughes adventures and how that MUST tie into the way you wrote your screenplay, sharing it here and what that felt like, is a story that is already written in the pages of your blog. Turn that shit into a book, and you’ve got a freakin must-read. I see it written, bound, and in my hands as I read it on a plane on my next business trip. Your working title can be “Kari Writes a Screenplay.”

    2020, is your year, girl. Make it happen!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First, thank you so much for this. Because you inspire me as well, so it’s an honor to hear you say that.

      Second, I love this idea so much. I literally just took a screen shot of this comment because I am doing it. Not sure how I’ll do it but I have an idea now and want to run with it.

      It’s funny because two days ago, I dug out the bound copy of my screenplay that Mike made for me last Christmas and started reading it again. I was laughing at my own words, reading the characters in what I feel their voices would be, and it inspired me again. I started making edits in the margins, created another soundtrack on Spotify (I deleted the other one), and felt alive again. I decided that in winter when I get most sad and just blah, that the screen play and John Hughes and writing is what saves me. And that’s okay to admit that.

      So thank you. For believing in me, not making me feel like I’m an idiot, and just being a good friend. ❤️

      Like

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