*Note-this isn’t entirely depressing. I feel like I need a trigger warning any more. This post gets funnier, I promise.
How are you doing? No, for real.
HOW. ARE. YOU. DOING?
I feel like a lot of us are struggling to keep our heads above water. I myself am struggling most days of the week. I bob my head up and down on the waves of uncertainty each day. I wake up and rub my eyes, gauge the pain level, head to the bathroom, make the coffee, and sit in the chair, drink the coffee, mutter the words, and do the things.
It’s rote.
And sometimes there are tears.
And sometimes there aren’t.
But it always feels like groundhog day
Doing it over and over.
Every single day looks like the next one and the next one.
And get this.
I’ve never seen the movie Groundhog Day.
I mean, I know the premise: a guy wakes up and it’s the same damn day every damn day. I guess now is as good a time as any to watch the movie.
Are you okay? Are you? Do you need me to check in on you? If you do, message me, text me, call me if you have my number. I won’t judge you, I will listen to you, I will vent with you and I will cry with you.
I think we need to do this service for each other. Not just lip service but ACTUALLY check in on each other. If you notice someone is quiet and you are having a good week, reach out. Because we are being inundated with a lot of hefty information right now, and it doesn’t look to be over anytime soon.
I’m trying to write every day now, but it’s getting harder and harder. I get creative boosts here and there and write for an hour at a time, but I can’t publish anything because they are half-written. I feel very much like an artist with a deadline who does all the different pieces, but nothing that could be sold, nothing of any meaning or substance.
I blame the medications I am on for my migraines. I’ve only been on them for two weeks now and I guess they say that it takes a good four to six weeks (up to three months) to become fully effective but the side effects are in full effect.
Well of course, they are.
Side effects being sleepy, dry mouth, foggy brain, weight loss (that’s the only good one). I’m still getting weekly headaches, but I am very slowly seeing improvement.
I’m not only relying on medications to help my migraine situation, so I am also changing my diet because I think some foods also trigger my migraines. Only I don’t have a pulse on exactly what in my diet is triggering them. I have been eating cleaner, trying to avoid soy, overly processed foods, etc. Let’s just say it’s been educational.
So the joke in my home is that I have become a hippie. Anna even joked one day that I have become one of those “California moms”, whatever the hell that means.
I also shopped at Whole Foods the other day. On purpose.
I don’t even know who I am anymore either.
I also shopped at Trader Joes for the first time since the pandemic and I still don’t love it.
They limited the number of shoppers in the store at one time and I got excited because one of the things I truly do not love about the Trader Joes experience is that I always feel rushed and like someone is breathing down my neck while shopping in there. So I figured that by limiting the number of customers, I would have a much more pleasant shopping experience.
Uh, that would be negatory.
So I will pay the extra money to shop at Jeff Bezos’ whole-ass foods because they actually have fewer ingredients than TJ’s did and I didn’t have to keep looking over my shoulder for Breathy McBreathyFace the entire time.
Oh, excuse me, Masky McMaskyFace.
I haven’t been on Instagram much lately. I don’t have an agenda or anything. I’m not making a stand. I just haven’t had the oomph or felt like sharing anything. It’s sad because it is one of my favorite social media platforms too.
It got me through the winter part of the pandemic nicely and I don’t even know why I am not wanting to post.
I think during my migraine cycle I got a little depressed and sad and just didn’t feel like it.
Pain does weird things to you.
Then I noticed something; I wasn’t taking pictures on my phone anymore.
In my daily life even within a pandemic, EVEN within winter, I would always snap a picture here and there.
Last week, I noticed that within the most beautiful time of year, I wasn’t taking pictures anymore and it kind of bothered me.
I think everything is starting to get to me, the build-up of emotions and nothing is really helping. Not the walks, not the writing, not the talking to people on the phone.
I think when you are in pain, can’t eat what you really want to, and don’t see people in person regularly, it is getting to me. I am no longer seeing joy.
That began to scare me. Terrified me, actually.
Am I depressed? Do you even know when you are depressed? Do I need to tell someone when this is happening? Is this normal?
Are you feeling this way too?
I still get up every day, I still write here and there, I still get dressed, I still shower here and there (not every day because let’s be realistic).
Then Anna brought me back to reality when I told her about not posting to Instagram and not taking pictures when she said, “Mom, there’s nothing to take pictures of. We literally have nothing to do.”
Think I will take a picture of the innards of my organic hippie refrigerator.
A Grace Full Life 
I hate shopping at Trader Joe’s for that exact reason! I think it’s because it’s so small. It’s probably the worst place to social distance. Also, they stock all day long too which annoys me.
I’ve never seen Groundhog Day either. I don’t feel like I’m missing out. 😂😂
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Right? It’s like shopping in an upscale 7-11. And YES! They were stocking on this day which made social distancing impossible.
LOL, so the funny thing is that Groundhog Day was filmed near where we live. Well, like 45 minutes away but we’ve been to the town countless times. So I really should watch it. 🙂
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I can’t believe you’ve not seen Groundhog day. It’s the best. That will cheer you up a bit I think.
I had no idea that the meds for migraines 1) take so long to work and 2) have so many side effects. I hate that for you, but I’m praying that the time it’s taking will pay off for you soon. The day to day drudgery is tough right now, but it’s even tougher when you’re in pain. (*sigh* I can only imagine, as I’m not suffering as you are)
I’m not sure why, but Instagram has never been a favorite of mine. Maybe I’m just old. I don’t really get it; it doesn’t feel like you can ‘connect’ with people as you can on FB.
I also don’t love Trader Joes. You are exactly right….it’s always overcrowded and who wants to shop like that? Especially NOW.
Congrats on being a hippie California mom; you’ll live forever. XO
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I really think I should watch it. I was just telling the other commenter that the movie was filmed near where we live HA, so I need to watch.
The meds are RIDICULOUS. It is stupid how much you have to go through to NOT feel pain. I think we now know why there is an opioid crisis in our country.
I get why certain apps aren’t a favorite, I hate Snapchat. I have tried it twice and I just can’t like it. So I understand completely.
I just don’t like TJ’s. I have friends who go there weekly and I just don’t get it.
LOL, at this rate, I don’t want to live forever. ;0
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I am stuck on the Groundhog Day movie, what? One of Coach’s favorites.
Programming note: I am also stuck on the fact that your posts never climb all the way to the top of my feed even when new (am I even using the terms correctly here?) – but there is a post ‘Mirror Mirror’ that went up over the weekend and I looked at everything above that because everything above that was new . . . your post that is new today was below it. No comprehendo.
Anyway, I am here now. Reg got braces this morning so everything is kind of delayed anyway.
Um, sorry the dang drugs take so long to work. Pain does suck. When I was in labor and they showed me that board with the faces on it to gauge how I was feeling, Coach was always whispering out of the side of his mouth: “Yeah, whatever she says don’t believe her – she cannot handle pain, so it is never as bad as it seems when it comes to her.” And, yes we had 6 babies and we are still married. A downright mystery. This to say: I would not be good managing pain, because even though Coach’s comments were BADLY timed – he was not wrong.
I am doing just fine, honestly. Well, I have a few things on my plate and they weigh on me like a ton of bricks but unrelated to covid. Some big life decisions staring me down, so that is challenging. But as far as staying home and feeling trapped, and missing stuff . . . my kids are all back working in some capacity. And we don’t have enough cars, never will, so my days are far from boring with car jockeying and such. They are getting braces and dentist appointments and sports physicals and we are going to church again with masks. The kids hang with friends on the regular. We have rented a house in Michigan for a long weekend in August. Irish dancing classes have started up again, so I have to BE some place regularly. The house is status quo: messy and the fridge overflows after I shop but a day later we need everything and the laundry is never totally done. So, I guess life is feeling fairly normal for me minus the ‘don’t forget your mask’ aspect.
I will keep you in mind if I do feel the need to text or call someone though. Back at you, too.
This is crazy long but the kids started teasing Coach again yesterday about being best man in your first wedding and not remembering it and laughing at Jay sitting in the backseat when Coach came to pick me up for our first date. So, thinking of you and our crazy path-crossing existence. Feel better friend!
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That’s so weird about my posts not showing up at the top.
The other day, Suz’ blog showed up in my edited bin as if I could edit her blog! I was like ummmm, what just happened!?? It turns out it was my comment I could edit. I know nothing about blogging and I’ve been blogging for 10 years. 🙄
If I didn’t have the migraines, I’d actually be handling everything fine. I was doing so good before all of this head pain. So once the medications start to work, I should be fine. 😂
I love how we will always be connected. ❤️
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Ugh! Why do meds take so long to work but their side effects show up ASAP?! So not fair. I find I am handling everything just fine on those days I am not in pain and those days my pain is much higher I am so much more irritable about everything.
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Right?? That’s a GREAT question. Although I have to say that the one med that made me sleepy only affected me that way for the first week and I adapted quite quickly.
I am noticing that as I’m closer to being in full menopause that my headaches are getting worse. My doctor hopes this is just me nearing “the finish line”. SAY A PRAYER. 🙌🏻🙏🏻
And yes, pain makes you so much more irritable. 😢
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Hiiii! I’m doing OK. That’s it, just OK. Same shit different day. Some days suck and are boring, other days are better. I have to tell you – when I saw a weather forecast blurb on FB that said the entire month of July is going to be exceptionally hot and humid, I nearly lost it. Because this weather like we’re having today is as bad as winter. Who can be outside doing anything in this heat? It’s over 100 with the heat index! So I am feeling cooped up and pissed about it. Like we don’t spend enough damn time being cooped up in the winter here in IL.
You know I eat super healthy (for the most part)/clean/organic, so if you need any help, just holler! And I don’t consider it being a hippie; I think it’s just smart – for a lot of health reasons. Mine and Brian’s health has improved over the years from changing our eating. My mom is 80 years old and eats totally clean/organic/healthy and exercises…she has no health problems and isn’t on any medications. I hope I don’t sound preachy. It’s just a subject I’m passionate about because I’ve personally seen the benefits.
And I’m so sorry you feel that way about TJ’s! It’s one of my favorite stores. I never feel rushed or like anyone is breathing down my neck at “my” store (the one in Lake Zurich). I don’t like Whole Paycheck Foods because it’s so over-priced. We don’t have one nearby anyway, so I’m not missing anything. Do you have a Meijer near you? They have a great selection of organic produce. Aldi’s organic produce is hit or miss.
Pain makes everything 1000x worse. Even with the “issue” I have going on right now, it’s not painful, but it is uncomfortable and aggravating. And sometimes when it’s particularly bad, it makes me very cranky. And then I go into a downward spiral where I feel “less than” or “broken”. What has helped with that is meditation. Nothing fancy – I just carve out time to totally zone out (which is hard for me to do cuz I tend to be a do-er) and I say to myself over and over, like a mantra – “You are well. You are healthy. You are peaceful. You are happy.” Sounds hokey and simplistic, but it works!
Love you!!
xoxo
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Omg friend, you said it. You and I are so alike in that because I literally just said that today. It may as well be winter. I don’t do well with these high pressure days either. Once the storms roll out, I’m fine. But before they get here, it’s hard.
I had a friend call these humid days “armpit days” and I’ll never refer to them as anything else. 😂
I actually am going to ask you questions. I think of you all of the time because you are an inspiration. I love how you cook and get ideas from the recipes you share on your blog and Instagram. I am hoping once I figure out all the kinks, I’ll see results. I think my problem is tyramines. I think. Still ironing it all out.
We have Meijer right around the corner! I do love them too but they don’t always have good things in stock. But I do love their produce.
I have been drinking water and walking around the house all throughout the day because armpit weather and talking to myself and telling myself good things and it’s working!
Also, I’m working on my book finally! I just started on Saturday and it has helped provide distraction. ❤️
Love you too, friend.
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You are working on a book?! This is THE most thrilling news!!
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Yes, finally! And it’s not about John Hughes, although there is a chapter dedicated to him. ❤️
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((Hugs)) if you need someone to talk to, message me on IG or FB.
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I will take you up on that.
RIGHT BACK AT YOU.
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Trader Joes seems like it should be better, healthier, than it is. Perhaps it’s a metaphor for the times in which we find ourselves. It seems like this summer should be better than it is.
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YES! That should be a slogan. Although, I guess they wouldn’t want to advertise that.
I feel like the Midwest gets gypped by summer. We wait all winter to get duped by swampy armpit weather.
But it’s sunny, so YAY.
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Well, I’m only seeing this today because: jello+groundhog day+mud+effing effing effing to the effth degree of eff effing migraine=depression. Or something that feels exactly like depression. All of which is to say: I see you, I get it, I know.
I keep having doctors want to put me on preventatives and I had such bad experiences with them previously (now about 10 years since my last attempt) that I resist and have refused to try again–but if mine were as debilitating as yours, I would try what you are trying. Instead, I have days of not bad enough to be in bed but bad enough that I can’t really do much, in which I hoard my meds like a drug addict (maybe? I don’t really know…) because I’m only supposed to take so much AND only get so many a month, and dealing with that ON TOP OF PANDEMIC is just feeling like a bit much right now. (I’m not going to list all the other things stressing me out because why? We all know. Pandemic is just short-hand for all the things right now.)
And, in case it is at all helpful, I’ll offer this from my (former) therapist. He’s former because my insurance stopped paying for him because I’d been seeing him so long and still had symptoms of depression and wouldn’t go on meds because: 1) The therapist recommended against them; and 2) I didn’t think I needed them, either. Because it wasn’t my brain chemistry making me depressed, or even faulty thinking or unresolved childhood trauma. I was doing ALL THE THINGS one is supposed to do to cope and I was having a hard time coping because (in the therapist’s words), my feelings were a rational response to the shit in my world (personal and larger). Hearing this did not make everything all better, and I sure wish I still had access to someone whose job was to just help me deal with the feelings, but it did make it a little better to know that it wasn’t some problem within me and that I had done all the things I could (short of taking medication with side effects that would likely have been worse than any possible “cure”). I’ve been recalling that these past few weeks as I’ve just been enduring. And my grandmother’s words that sometimes piss me off but are, nevertheless, true: This, too, shall pass.
Sending you love.
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Oh friend, if only we could sit in a cafe six feet apart wearing masks and have a coffee.
My headaches are definitely because I am in month nine and a half of not having a period. I am in the home stretch as they say, of menopause. Not quite yet being able to say I’m in menopause but definitely feeling the effects. I just need to get to a year and my hopes are that the headaches will diminish over time. The preventatives are to get me over the overuse headaches I’m now getting because of my lack of hormones my body is producing. ISN’T BEING A WOMAN A MIRACULOUS THING? By the way, I’m writing a book about it. Being a woman, the miracle of it all, menopause, and I’m working in a chapter about John Hughes. It’s my AHA moment that came to me in a fucking pandemic.
Also, I broke up with my therapist. In a fucking pandemic. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. (She said while clinging to the edge of her seat)
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Omg I love you. I don’t even know how I found this article, well yes I do, it was on my phone’s news feed, Thank you, it’s brilliant.
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Aww, I love you too! I’m so glad you found me! I hope you’ll come back! 😘
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