Humor

There’s No In-Between With Me

Writer McWriterson

I feel like that is a good metaphor for my life. You either like me or you don’t.

I have blogging friends who write the best posts that are the perfect length. I wish I could be less chatty in a blog post. But see, either I have too much to say or not enough.

There is no in-between with me.

Here is my attempt at a shorter post with what is on my mind right now.

There has already been an outbreak of the virus that doesn’t exist at Anna’s college campus and of course, it was at a party on the first weekend. She wasn’t at that party but as we know, you don’t have to be at a party to catch it.

She called me on Saturday and afterward, I did what I do best when I am upset: I rage-cleaned my entire basement. The Goodwill attendant gasped when I pulled up; I could tell even with his mask on.

Black Vacuum Cleaner on Brown and White Area Rug

My advice to her was to continue to keep in her bubble of friends, continue to wash her hands, continue to mask up in public, and of course, vote in November.

Nothing gets young Americans in a lather more than their right to party being taken away, which is happening at college campuses all over our country as I write this.

And there is a boom of kids who were born in the year 2000 (LOTS of them) who weren’t eligible to vote in the last election, so they are quite excited to exercise that muscle come November.

There’s a reason mailboxes are going missing.

People Toasting Wine Glasses

What the hell is a Derecho? 

I’ll tell you what it is. IT’S SCARY AS FUCK, THAT’S WHAT IT IS.

Two weeks ago, it was a crappy Monday. Ever have a day where everything is going wrong AND it happens to fall on a Monday AND it happens in a pandemic?

So I was minding my own business when all of a sudden I am on Facebook and one of my friends says something to the effect of, “get your candles out because Chicago is getting 110 mile per hour winds.” I thought she was kidding, so I went on with my day.

Until I saw people legitimately getting freaked out about it.

So then I went to the Weather Channel App, and sure enough, she was wrong. We weren’t getting 110 miles per hour winds.

FAKE NEWS.

We were getting 100 miles per hour winds.

SEE HOW THESE THINGS GET STARTED, PEOPLE??

I love the HELL out of this picture of Jesus. Oops, I just used hell and Jesus in the same sentence. But I guess that probably happens a lot in the Bible. This isn’t my picture btw, it is Nina Labelle something or others. It’s from a meme generator. Don’t sue me.

Sorry, a little Facebook humor.

I put on Ye Olde Weather Channel and it was running nonstop footage of a storm in Iowa with winds so strong that a flag was being ripped from its pole.

And of course, to hammer the point home, Ye Olde Weather Channel was playing the footage over and over and over.

As well as the weather on the 10’s.

Yes, they still do that.

It was oddly comforting.

You can only imagine what seeing this video over and over and over was doing for my anxiety of what was in store for the Chicago area.

It didn’t help that the reporter kept saying, CHICAGO, THIS IS WHAT’S COMING FOR YOU!

Over and over and over.

Apparently, a “derecho” was headed our way.

I’d never heard of a derecho until this year. I’d also never heard of coronavirus, social distancing, community spread, or flattening the curve until this year. Apparently, new vocabulary words are a thing in 2020.

NOTE TO SELF: SHOULD’VE ASKED FOR A DICTIONARY FOR CHRISTMAS 2019.

When General Hospital was interrupted by our local news, I realized shit was getting real. I don’t watch General Hospital, but I had sneaky suspicion that a “derecho” wasn’t a good word for weather in the same way that “community spread” isn’t a good phrase for a college kegger, so I left the channel on to be safe.

We got to our basement just in time for the derecho to hit our neighborhood. The air pressure inside our house was really intense and the house was creaking. It was terrifying, to say the least, and even my generally calm friends and family, were sufficiently frightened.

I wasn’t going to mention it here until I read it on my friend Rita’s blog last Monday, when she mentioned it in her post, and then I was like, oh wow, people outside of the Midwest had heard about it? Wow, that Facebook does get the word out. 

I mean, it was traumatic, but here’s the thing: every damn day is traumatic, and I feel like we just bury it. Which makes me really concerned about our amount of trauma and how we are all burying it.

Allow that to sink in.

The other day, I had a “Joy” dream. Only it was a replay of the moment she flew out of the house.

It was horrible because I could feel my exact reaction when she flew out of the house. It felt like I was reliving the agony all over again. I hated that I was reliving it again, and I was angry at myself for dreaming it.

A few weeks ago, I had an epiphany. What if we lost three pets this year as a punishment for how we handled giving away a dog 13 years ago? We didn’t abandon him in any way that was unsuitable, but we did give him up for adoption.

I wrote about it a few years back but never got around to publishing it. I was going to a few weeks ago, but I chickened out. Maybe that dream was my conscience punishing me once more.

“Mike” being my husband.

My friend Kristen gets my humor, so when I send her texts like these randomly, she humors me.

I think this idea would go over well in areas where it doesn’t get cold.

Can you even provide six feet of social distancing on a bicycle built for two?

What?

I think it’s a solid idea.

Stop judging me, Jesus. It’s been a hefty year.

We are studying the Great Depression in homeschool in order to feel better about our current lives.

Does this make me a bad person?

We can’t be in church anymore, Jesus, because there is this virus.

Why am I telling you this? You already know.

I found this on Pinterest. I feel it sums up my exit from Facebook perfectly.

By the way, I have been off of Facebook for a week and I’ve already added two new chapters to my book, and gotten more work around the house done than I have in over a month.

I had no idea it was that much of a time-waster for me.

In fact, I didn’t realize how much time I was even on it.

I am also realizing that I’m happier.

So that is my little science experiment for the week, go forth and use that how you wish.

Jesus agrees with me, don’t you, Jesus?

Buddy Christ | Know Your Meme

I’m gonna burn in hell.

And this wasn’t a short post at all.

Oh well, I’ll have time to work on that.

In hell.

24 thoughts on “There’s No In-Between With Me”

  1. Yes, yes, yes. To all you said. People either like me or not, too. I don’t like this derecho phenomenon either. I distance myself from BS and the people who spew it. I don’t do FB and have more time/better relationships because of it. I think this has been a hefty horrible year so far, and there’s 1/3 of it left. I’m hanging on, barely.

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  2. I love you and your long posts and even your rage because I feel it too, sister.

    I’ve been thinking about what the fallout from all this collective trauma will be. But not too much, because keeping myself OKish requires walking many a fine line.

    You are right about the young folk and their anger. I’ve got two born in ’98, and so while they did get to vote last time, they are both about ready to burn the whole thing down because they can see (so much more clearly than I ever could at their age) ALL the ways in which the whole thing is screwing them (and the rest of us) over. I mean, really: Trump or Biden? C’mon! After the choice last time was Trump or Clinton? I keep trying to convince them that they really need to get past their anger/frustration to vote for Biden so that we can make sure we get to keep voting, but I’m having a hard time making a case for that mattering when they see what the DNC has been serving up for the last, well, forever. (I haven’t given up, though.)

    I’m so sorry Anna has to go to college the way college now is. I’d be rage-cleaning, too.

    Aside from all the heavy things here, I just want to say that I love how you can weave weird Jesus, Marcia’s nose, and General Hospital all into one post. I didn’t know that General Hospital is even still on. There was a time when I knew all the twists and turns of the entire ABC arsenal of soaps. (Thanks for getting me hooked young, Grandma.) I miss knowing that, to be honest (although the Luke and Laura storyline was so f’ing awful and I wonder how much my marriage history might have been influenced by the number of soaps I watched in my formative years).

    As for hell and you, in my family we used to like to say that it would be OK to go to hell because all the people we love best will be there.

    Hang in there. Hope we don’t need to learn any more new words this week. Unless it’s something like “roistering.”

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    1. All of the best people in my life will be in hell and I am OK with that. I feel like that sentence needs to be my next book title.

      Luke and Laura! I was actually going to somehow weave them into that post but then of course, it would’ve ended up being much longer. One of my neighbors had a babysitter that summer and she would let us watch that saga. I remember it vividly. Of course, my mom and grandma also watched and let us watch too. What a great summer of television that was. ❤️

      Roistering. I feel like every week needs to be started with Stanley Tucci and the line from The Devil Wears Prada before Miranda Priestly walks in the door, “all right everyone, gird your loins”.

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  3. The recurring images of the strange looking Jesus statue killed me. He reminds me of the claymation show Davy and Goliath. Did you ever see that? They showed episodes sometimes in religion class in Catholic school.

    We were in Michigan when that storm hit. I just wrote about it in a forthcoming post. Lad was home and said our sturdy deck chairs slid across the deck and one flipped over onto the lawn.

    I use fb to find sitting jobs because there is a local page where people post daycare needs but I am not likely to take more kiddos this year so I have not been on much.

    When I do page thru FB I get so disgusted with myself over the time I will not get back. Ugh.

    I think when laying in the sun is no longer an option, I might get more done.

    I sort of wish I felt inspired to clean when I get upset. The house would be spotless.

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    1. YES!!!! I wondered where he reminded me! Yes!! I forgot about that show!!

      Brant Miller had me so scared, I was moving our gas grill from the patio to the side of the house. You should’ve seen Ella and I trying to pull that sucker from the yard to the side of the house and the swearwords I used in front of her. Jesus was blushing, I’m sure.

      I used to use facebook for homeschool but after it became mainstream because of the virus, it got irritating. Too many posts and just overwhelming. So then I was like, why am I here again?

      Rage cleaning is good for the soul.
      Jesus agrees.

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  4. I say it all the time, but I love your posts. You have spurred me on to at least remove the FB app from my phone. I am not missing it one bit. So now I can only go on FB when I’m on my laptop – which I do in the morning and at night. So yeah, I’m still on there but at least not 3/4 as much as I used to be. I feel more peaceful already.

    The derecho that came through here was ON MY BIRTHDAY. What does that tell you? (Don’t answer that.)

    Things in my life have been absolute crap this past week…won’t leave the TMI details here but it’s my ongoing medical issue (not good), worries about hubby’s job, and worries about stuff with my son.

    Maybe we can get together soon and catch up in person?

    xoxo

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    1. Hey, if you are on there even 3/4 less and that makes you feel better? Then good for you! That’s all that matters. I have taken a facebook sabbatical so many times over the years and ended up back on there. This time it’s for good. Everyone is on their own journey and this is where my fb journey ends. It is well with my fb soul. 😂

      Honestly, I’m jealous you got a derecho on your day. You got a gift. 😘

      Aww, Mel. I still have messenger which is why I didn’t deactivate my fb. I’ll message you.

      YES. Coffee, lunch. You name the place. I’m there. ❤️

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  5. Rage cleaning is a new-to-me vocabulary word. I’m adding it right now.
    I’ve been so busy that I’ve not been on the fb much and I’m sure that not missing much.
    I’ve never heard of a storm like the one you had there. Hmmmm, sounds like the monsoons we had in AZ? Lots of damaging wind. Or like the hurricanes we have? Either way, super scary.
    I was just outside and it was blowing like crazy. I said, why is it so windy today. Then I remembered there is a hurricane x2 in the Gulf. Could that be it? I’m not great at keeping up with goings-on outside my home and that makes my life easier.

    If I turn on the TV during the day (rare) and there are Soaps on, I have to say “Oh, my stories are on.” LOL, My Grandma stopped everything when As the World Turns came on. I started watching it with her when I was around 12, but quit when I was around 30. Just a little fun fact for you today.

    Be well my friend. XO

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    1. Rage-cleaning, adding it to the vocabulary list.

      Apparently, it was a monsoon then. Very scary. I also had no idea you could get monsoons in Arizona? I am learning so much this year.

      Stories! Yes, I do believe my mom or grandma might have said that too. Someone did, not sure who but it sounds familiar. As the World Turns, I remember that one! I used to watch Days of Our Lives (or just “Days” as we called it) back in the 90s when Lisa Rinna was on it, at work and we were all hooked. We all scheduled our break at the exact time it was on and would sit in the breakroom and yell at her and her big lips. YOU WHORE! Oh my God, good times.

      You be well too, my friend. 🙂

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  6. My God (or should I say Jesus), you are so funny.
    These posts.
    I mean, you have me laughing and I go to church every week, well used to, and you haven’t offended me. I mean that in the best way.
    You are so talented. I swear, how you haven’t been scooped up and got a book deal or something yet is beyond me.
    I will say prayers for your Anna, I know she must be scared. I am so sick of this nightmare. I know I will be up early on Election Day. Can’t wait until November.

    All the vocabulary words…I guess we all should have studied for the test we didn’t know we were getting back in 2019 ha!

    I am thinking of leaving Facebook too. I am so tired of the drama and stupidity on there. I have blocked or unfollowed probably half of my friends and family.

    Keep writing those long posts. We will always want to read them.

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    1. I used to go to church too. Good times.

      You are too kind, really. This book I am working on is such a labor of love and I am proud of it. I want it to be a best seller. So I hope it will be scooped up in the best possible way but if that means by my amazing readers, that is certainly all that matters to me.

      I am scared beyond belief, it is all that is on my mind. I literally pulled in front of a car this morning pulling into my driveway, that is how distracted I am right now. I need to work on that. Sigh.

      Right? WHO SAID THERE WAS GONNA BE A TEST??

      I don’t miss the f-word at all. (I don’t mean fuck)

      Thank you so much. You are good for my ego.

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  7. It has been one weird year and I think we all could have used a new dictionary of terms (of course all at once like that might have scared us to death!).

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  8. My friend and I talk about it all the time, what would we do if we were in our late teens and 20’s when this was happening. We would probably be breaking the rules too. Our minds are mush at that age, and we feel invincible. If only this whole thing wasn’t so politicized no one would have a choice. In CT they just put in another 6 months of masks required any time someone is outside, and they’ve started giving fines to folks who try to break the rules.

    This whole thing is such a nightmare, I want to believe that things will change in November, but I’m not allowing myself to fall into the same trap as last election. I’m going in to this one with very low hopes, then at least if I’m wrong the outcome is good.

    I am soooooooooo excited for your book! If you need a beta reader, I’m your girl. I love giving editorial notes, and I’m like you with the eye twitching grammar sense.

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    1. Yes! I feel like we’re going to get duped again. I felt duped in 2016. I told my mom today that we might move all us to Canada if this all goes south in November. Wanna come?

      DID YOU READ MY OTHER COMMENT? MIND MELDING. Yes!!! I would love for you to edit/read/be my Rory Gilmore. LOVE. ❤️

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  9. Your task for the week: Write a post solely about the creepy face Jesus and Dammit Meredith 😀

    That derecho shit…wtf?! I hadn’t heard of that, either. 2020 is a learning year in all the wrong ways.

    I hope your daughter stays well ❤

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  11. Certain blogging “experts” say that longer posts are better for SEO but to tell you the truth, I get bored with long posts, can’t stay focused.

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