I told a friend last week that I’ll be entering menopause on September 23rd, and she was surprised because she thought I’d already been in menopause, and I was like, oh no, no, no, that was PERI-menopause.
The calm before the storm, but in this case, the calm is actually the storm.
She had no idea what menopause was, and she is not alone. Most women who haven’t gone through it don’t know the difference between perimenopause and menopause.
I didn’t realize it until I went through it myself.
Hello and welcome to my menopause. I haven’t had uterine bleeding in 365 days.
I can almost hear my parents cringe at that sentence. I’ve been an embarrassment recently, and I blame it on menopause. That could be my new catchphrase.
I fell in love with Lana Del Rey’s song Norman fucking Rockwell because it fills me with so much menopausal delight, and I’ve been listening to it over and over, like a menopausal adolescent, which makes no sense. Even if you don’t understand the lyrics or identify with them, simply let the music wash over you like melodic waters.
The song’s lyrics are about a lover, but as I listened to it, I realized they could also be about menopause. At least, my take on menopause.
For those of you who don’t know, Norman Rockwell was a painter and artist who primarily depicted the American way of life, most notably on the covers of magazines like The Saturday Evening Post.
When I first heard Norman F*g Rockwell, I laughed because the title reminded me of my blog.
When you hold it from a distance, it appears to be something normal, but when you get closer to the details and read it, you realize it isn’t.
There is no better theme song to describe the last five years of my life.
“Goddamn, man child you f*****d me so good that I almost said I love you”
“You’re fun and you’re wild”
.
“But you don’t know half of the shit you put me through”
“Your poetry is bad and you blame the news, but I can’t change that and I can’t change your mood”
Then I realized I wasn’t posting photos of myself any longer. Between January 2016 and January 2017, the only image of me on my blog that I could find was this one:
My body has morphed dramatically from one extreme to another over the last five years.
“’cause you’re just a man, it’s just what you do”
“your head in your hands….”
“as you color me blue……”
“yeah, you’re just a man……”
“all through and through…”
“your head in your hands…”
“as you color me blue…”
“blue, blue, blue…”
The cruelest part was having my daughters at home while I was going through these changes.
“’cause you’re just a man”
“it’s just what you do”
“your head in your hands”
“as you color me blue”
Perimenopause is an asshole.
It makes you feel undesirable. It is cruel. It is invisible to the outside eye.
It causes rage, depression, anxiety, and despair.
It deceives you.
Those of you who will eventually enter it, do not listen to it.
This is not you.
Everything feels so universal, even though it shouldn’t, given the timing of this pandemic, the end of my perimenopause, and the writing of my book. I mean, the world didn’t come to a halt just so I could get rid of my period.
Did it?
Do I have that kind of power?
I’m kidding, but if you thought for a second that I did, I am laughing.
I should clarify that not all of you will experience perimenopause to the extent that I did. I’m not trying to make my perimenopause dramatic or competitive. I would never want anyone to be in pain. Dismissing this experience for the women who do suffer, on the other hand, is insulting.
We must stop doing that.
The book will be a guide for you; a gentle, caring hug from me to you. It’ll be the menopause equivalent of What to Expect When Expecting. Expecting to lose your period, that is.
Because it will happen to you if you are a woman, and chances are you will be unprepared for whatever happens.
You are not, however, alone.
You’re in good company.
“yeah you’re just a man”
“all through and through”
“your head in your hands”
“as you color me blue”
“blue, blue, blue”
You can read the book here. 🖤
A Grace Full Life 
I’m sorry to read that perimenopause was so difficult for you, and congratulations on coming out on the other side of it! I think we should be celebrating or at least acknowledging these times more officially – a girl’s first period and a woman’s entry into menopause. (Except how to do that when it happens via surgery, like for me?🤔 I never had a naturally occurring last period.)
But that is not the world we live in. Thanks for that too, patriarchy!🤬
Puberty was hell on me (I actually thought I was losing my mind) and I expected perimenopause to be the same as the women in my family really suffer. I guess because I had expectations of it being SO BAD that I felt I got off relatively lightly but it was still difficult.
I’m glad that you are writing about it – it will help a lot of women who are feeling the same way and are getting no or little support.
🤗,
Deb
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That’s such an interesting take that I never even thought of! How your entrance into puberty relates to your exit out of your period.
I thought I was losing my mind this entire time and in fact, still feel a bit that way now. So you saying that makes me feel a bit validated. Thank you for seeing me a little tiny bit. 😘
That is the sole reason for writing it.
If you have the chance, look for my post titled Understood. Within that post you will see a link for an essay titled Pause by Mary Ruefle. It changed my life. Particularly the paragraph about the women who were put in asylums. That is what inspired me to write the book.
I’m so glad I found you and your blog via Ally. I was even talking about your girls trip blog post to my husband this weekend while on a hike and told him about you hugging the guy who looked like Hulk Hogan and equating it to having unprotected sex and we both got a good laugh out of it. Ah, Covid humor. ❤️
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First, I cannot wait for this book.
Second, I can wait for menopause but I am now glad someone is finally being honest about it. You’re right, no one is talking about it and that’s absolutely ridiculous. It is the reason we are all here, periods that is. In this post you just made me feel so much more powerful by simply having a period. That is power.
You better be close to being done with this book because I can’t wait to read it.
Also, I am sorry for what you went through. I don’t mean it in a pity way but in an understanding way. I am truly sorry. ♥️
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That was just a snippet AND it wasn’t editor-approved lol. My friend’s eye is probably twitching at all the grammatical errors.
I wrote this post before RBG passed away and it felt timely. But man, the power of the period. ♥️
My deadline is Saturday and I’m adding chapters and ripping others apart. I’m told that’s how good authors do it. Working up until the deadline.
Thank you. It’s been hell. One day at a time. One day at a time. Ending it in a pandemic has not been fun. That’s all I will say. 😂
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I’m so excited about your book and your take on perimenopause has been so enlightening for me. I believe I’ve been on the ‘luckier’ side of issues while going through this which really suprised me because my actual period has been a nightmare since I started it. We’ve discussed this before.
My end date (or is the beginning?) is January 3, 2021. But, this could all be a trick too…you know, the old ‘peek a boo’ game.
You’ve had quite the journey and I enjoyed reading about where you were/what was happening during your five-year rollercoaster. YOU have persevered though; and you will continue to do so. I PRAY that the worst part is done for you; the migraines, the anxiety. You do have such a good man beside you, every step of the way, and those daughters too; they are learning so much about life through the eyes of their Mama and her strength.
That song? Haunting and enjoyable at the same time. I listened to it twice while reading your post today.
XO
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Then you actually haven’t been lucky if you had problems with your period because my period never was a huge problem. We all have our struggles as I mentioned at the end of the post. ♥️
I hate that peekaboo game! And by the way, such a good name for it. I think most women have no idea about that and a lot of doctors don’t want to tell women about that process because it is the most frustrating part of the whole ordeal. 🙄
I love that song. That whole album is good too.
We have good guys in our corners and good girls too.
They are learning strength from us. It’s a hard lesson but maybe the best way to learn it is from their moms? 😊
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Wow. I did not know the difference between premenopausal and menopause. Interesting. I love the photo recap. I think including quotes in the book is a great idea. I hope the Chicago headache specialist continues to help. Such a difficult journey. The book excerpt is outstanding. Excited for you and for the inevitable success of this project.
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You aren’t alone, my friend. You don’t know how many times I have heard women say this over the past five years. Over and over and over.
That doctor was a Godsend and better support to me in the three months I’ve known him than my neurologist ever was. I’m so glad I found him.
Thank you so much, friend. ❤️
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Thanks Kari… such a wonderful blog! The struggles were so real for me too. I remember someone telling me years ago that if your Mom had a bad “change”, aka. menopausal time frame, that I could count on mine being terrible. My Mom’s lasted 10 years. Yes, 10 years. While I was thankful that mine was more like 5, it was a bitch. Being in menopause is no treat either but just thankful for no-more-bleeding 🥰
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So my mom didn’t have as a hard time as I did but my gynecologist said that my dad’s mom’s menopause could also be a factor, which I had never heard before; I had always assumed it was genetically tied to the maternal side only. She died at the age of 41, most likely before her menopause began so we never knew her history.
The fact that the conversation never really happens or ends after we have our periods is an injustice to all of us.
I feel so bad for women who struggle for a decade, like your mom did, with all of these symptoms. Can you imagine a man having to do that for ten years of their life? We would have books upon books on this, yet I have had so many women say to me “I had no idea that perimenopause and menopause are two separate things”.
I do hope you start to feel better soon and get relief but I do believe that the more we talk about it, the more resources there will be. 🙂
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YES!!!!
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Lol, I knew you would approve. 🙂
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I had a hysterectomy in my late 40’s but the surgeon left one ovary. So it ended my periods, but the ovary left me with some hormones. If there’s one thing I can tell all women (I’m shouting it from the rooftops now) – do your damn kegels! I always blew it off, thought “yeah, yeah, whatever.” Well, guess what? It’s not whatever. I now have a prolapsed bladder from weak pelvic floor muscles!! The biggest risk factors are lack of estrogen due to menopause, having vaginal births, and having had a hysterectomy. I hit the trifecta. I’ve been going through months of pelvic floor physical therapy (I never even knew there was such a thing!) and last week was fitted with a pessary (never heard of this until now) which didn’t work. It was so painful. Had to go back the next day and have it removed. The physician’s assistant thinks it was because I need estrogen. So now I’m on an estrogen cream and have to go back next month to be re-fitted. In the meantime, I not only have to do all these PT exercises every single day, but I’m also uncomfortable 99% of the time because I feel like I have a fucking golf ball in my vagina.
Even though I’m past what you’re going through, I can’t wait to read your book because YOU wrote it. I support you through and through. You are a mighty warrior woman.
xoxo
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Friend, I know your struggle from what you’ve told me over the past couple of months and I am so sorry. Whether you went through natural menopause or had a hysterectomy, your story matters and is important. You are a female and had the same hormones running through your body that I did all those years and so you can share in the same journey I am going through. Your struggle isn’t any less difficult because you didn’t go through menopause.
Like my friend Suz’ said, she didn’t have difficult menopause, but her struggle was her actual periods. Whether you had easy periods (which mine primarily were) or easier labors, easier pregnancies, never had miscarriages, or no menopause, somewhere down the line, you will have something that will be your struggle. I had no problem with any of those but menopause was my struggle, so there you go. Or maybe none of those apply but the point of my book is that if that is the case, we can just be compassionate to each other as females because we know how hard those things are because we were built to do all of them. You are right, Mel. We ARE mighty warrior women. All of us. 🙂
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This book will be wonderful for all women regardless of their experience. And oh, I did go through menopause because of having an ovary intact. 🙂
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You got the whole experience! Remind me to tell you about this article I found about Alzheimer’s and links to ovary removal. We need to grab coffee soon. I don’t have Messenger anymore so I need to get you my phone number. I’ll message you on Instagram.
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Kari this is just the beginning of the ride, I went into menopause early at around 45, foggy brain don’t remember. After my period stopped it came back after one year for a little bit and then it was the end of that. However there was so much more going on after that and I felt like I was in such a fog that I couldn’t see it. It was a very trying time for me for year I had depression. But now I am feeling back to my new normal and stronger than ever! Where was this book when I needed it. But seriously, thank you because I can pass it down to my daughters.
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Oh, friend, I am so sorry for your experience. I hope it gives you some comfort to know that you aren’t at all alone by reading my story and the stories of the women in the comments here. Sending you so much love.
I hate that you didn’t have a book either. I hate that our grandma’s and mom’s and so on didn’t have one either.
Speaking of, I need to finish mine this week. 🙂
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You are a voice! This post!
Sounds like you are close to finishing your book. I am thrilled for you! Can’t wait to read. Pretty sure all my knowledge of peri comes from an episode of Oprah with Dr. Christine North…mumble…rupthronson. Eh, fork it. Apologies to her but blanking about that last name, can’t google now and that is a perfect mirror of my knowledge of peri. Did I mention I can’t wait for yer book?
Second – *whispers in awe filled voice* – you found a doctor who listens and can fix migraines? Am in tears. (Not just from migraine.) I may boke (ok that’s the migraine). So so happy for you. Tres heureux pour vous!
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I love your comments so much.
So today is the day. I had a migraine all day yesterday and just felt like the wind was taken out of my sails. But then I woke up today and I’ve been writing ever since 6:30 this morning and that feels like what my menopause day should be like. I ordered Chipotle from UberEats for myself and Ella and we had a good talk. Then back to writing and then off to my parents with Starbucks in hand to keep celebrating social distance style on their deck.
That is so funny that you said that about Dr. Christiane Northrup because that is literally the only menopause person who gives information out there. I make a comment in my book about when you Google “menopause” you get Maxine hallmark cards, Erma Bombeck, and all these hot flash jokes. It’s insulting.
Diamond Headache Clinic in Chicago. Look it up. People from all across the country AND the world go there and I believe they can treat you virtually. Best thing I ever did for myself. Dr. Rhyne is my guy. He is a gem. ❤️
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Thank you thank you thank you for name of headache clinic & your guy! Was going to ask but didn’t want to be a nosey parker. So I thought the question, prayed and used Sparkly Eye Technique* (*virtual form). Plus and also you are world’s kindest blogger.
Dr. Northrop! Yes! (The internet est merde and it can restez avec mon chapeau sur le table. Nothing burns like HS level French insults baby.)
Glad today was a good day. Hope tomorrow is even better!
P.S. I watched the social media doc you recommended. Gaaaaah.
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Of course! I’m always happy to share that information. I want everyone to be pain-free. 😘
Lmao. I know some swear words in French. I need to brush up on them.
Gah is right. I got an email today from Facebook about a settlement. Apparently they owe a bunch of people from my state a lot of money from 2011. I am laughing SO HARD. So now I’ll be richer and facebook-free. Ahhh the Universe works in mysterious ways.
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This post stirs up a lot of things for me. Man, the ways in which my life has been shaped by my reproductive system. And doctors, good and bad (but mostly bad–or not bad, but indifferent).
So much in this post resonates, but especially how we need to share this kind of information with each other and support each other. I remember thinking PMS was not really a thing and looking down on women who claimed they had it–until I had to take Clomid to stimulate ovulation and felt like I was going batshit crazy. It took me several cycles to connect the dots, and then I realized it was the hormones making me feel the way I was. And then, even though I KNEW it was the hormones and that my feelings were not based in reality (except for the parts that were because I was married to a gaslighting narcissist, which I had yet to realize and which made the whole thing even more difficult–but I digress), it made NO difference to my suffering. And it was suffering, and then I realized I’d had no business judging women who suffered from PMS.
I am so happy for you to have reached this milestone. I hope it brings increasing relief.
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Then you may like my book. I hope you do but maybe only because I wrote it. 🙂
I think the biggest takeaway from the book (and this post) is that all these years I was so self-involved in my own periods, ovarian cysts, female problems, that I never stepped outside of myself to think, “man, this is something we all go through at one point or another and we are so strong”. When I stopped to think of the generations of women who have been doing this before us without the interventions we have now, it made me go down this rabbit hole that wasn’t always pretty. Why are we so ugly to each other? Maybe it was because of all we go through and not in spite of it. Men also have a role to play in that and I think we both know that NOW more than ever. Not our men but societal men, the whole toxic masculinity that we speak of, which I touch on in the book. My friend (and editor) make scrap that part in the editing process and it may never see the light of day. If it doesn’t, I will send it to you because the particular story I relay is a huge part of my anxiety to this day and is something I really want to be told.
Am I happy now that I am officially in menopause? I am happy-ish. This week I had two really bad migraines, so my story is far from over. Just because I hit official menopause doesn’t really mean anything other than I am no longer bleeding. The scars are still there. The healing is still happening. But a hurdle was reached and that feels good. Onward, as I say. 🙂
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Well, I could probably write about book about why we are so ugly to each other. I think a big part of it is seeing each other through the male gaze. As that is the dominant societal perspective (which may be changing, but it sure was when we were young–go watch some movies from the 80s if you need convincing) it is impossible for us not to internalize it. And also: pain makes us less than our best selves, and our bodies endure a lot of pain that we don’t have remedies for because (as you pointed out) men don’t have to experience it.
I’m glad you are happy-ish. That’s about the best I can ever say about anything right now.
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BINGO.
I think my pain stems from a lot more than just menopause. I wish we could sit and talk over coffee or tea. I had a huge light bulb moment with Anna a few weeks ago. HUGE. Life-changing. If I were still on Messenger, I would immediately message you to tell you, it’s that big. I don’t even know that I can write about it in my book about anxiety. I may have to message you on Instagram.
Happy-ish. That is the best we can all hope for, right?
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Wait a second! You people have more answers?!?
Jumping in to request an entire book on why (some) women are so horrible to each other. I’d also like a 2nd book answering why (sometimes) everyone is so horrible to everyone.
I understand this may be a big ask.
I can wait. Female troubles have taught me patience. 😉
Seriously though…. this topic grabs me intensely. If you book, I will read.
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Oh friend, the books we could write.
I thought I finished my book last night and after I sat and stared at the words in front of me on the screen, wondered if someone could use the words I wrote. Or was it only cathartic to me? I hope that it helped more than just me to get through one of the hardest summers of my life.
I personally think people are horrible to other people because they don’t truly like themselves or they aren’t happy. That’s been my experience.
And right now, we are at an all-time level of people being unhappy, so it is a tough time.
I hope it’s a “if I book it, they will come” scenario. 🙏🏻
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At one year sans period you’re considered menopausal? Around here in this state you have to be two years without a period to be considered menopausal. Don’t ask how I know that, but at one year they still have you peeing in a cup to make sure you’re not preggers before they do awful medical things to you.
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What?? Girl, you need to move. 😉
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Weird, huh?
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I have never heard of that.
My gynecologist said one year no period is officially menopause. And everywhere from webMD to Mayo clinic to Harvard says that as well, so I don’t know where they are coming up with that information?
Oh well. The way I look at it is it’s just another test that you can pass. 👊🏻
Question, is your gynecologist a man or a woman? I’m taking an informal poll.
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A man
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I really need to figure out how to add a poll to my blog. You do that, don’t you?
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Yes. It’s easy. Go to WP Feedback and have at it.
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Ooh! Thank you!
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Cannot wait to read the book! I was fortunate enough to have a mother who gave me a book on perimenopause when I was in my early 40s only a couple years before she passed. She probably was trying to prepare me for what was to come. She had a hysterectomy in her late 30s back in the mid-70s when that was what male doctors would recommend to women having female issues. Looking back on that time, knowing she had three teenagers and a preschooler in the house at the time, it must have been horrible for her. For me the experience was not terrible even if it did last forever or so it felt. Can we call eight years forever? 😹 The biggest issue really was the “lack of hormone“ rage or assholery I think you called it. The most interesting part was how different my experience was to those of my friends who had children. Clearly the hormonal changes that happen with pregnancy play a big part in all this. By the time the end came it was almost anticlimactic. Lol. Anyway, I am so looking forward to reading this book and all the others you have yet to write! No pressure or anything. I just know you have many great things still to say.
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Oh, how thoughtful of your mom to give that to you. She was definitely preparing you. That made me choke up a little reading that.
Eight years IS forever, friend. FIve years has felt like forever, so eight must have felt eternal.
I was discussing this with my friend this morning on a walk and we both agreed that there just isn’t enough talk about this subject still. I think we have a long way to go and a lot of it is because of hormone replacement and how for so many years women weren’t feeling TRUE menopause because they were given a hormone pill and the truly real part of their menopause was the loss of their period. It is because of the side effects of those synthetic hormone replacements that women today are now going through it and feeling what going without estrogen in our bodies truly feels like and realizing how hard it truly is.
I hope just knowing they aren’t alone, helps. I feel like that in itself is half the battle.
Sending you a hug, my friend. 🙂
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Fuuuuuck. That excerpt. I am sooooo excited to read your book. So gosh darn excited. Also this post is amazing. Your writing is legit getting better with every post I read, and it was so fucking good when I started reading it. Gah, I want to give you one of those hugs where I lift you off the ground a little bit. Which is probably impossible because I am 5’2″…also COVID. Stupid COVID. Kari, I adore you. Please keep spreading this amazing message and being a badass feminist. And fuck those neighbors that made you feel bad about your rainbow. I wish I could punch them all in their stupid faces.
Please excuse the sweariness of this comment 😀
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Also, I had your menopause in my calendar. I’m texting you a screenshot 🙂
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I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.
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OMG, you are making me so happy with your comments.
I literally ripped apart my preface of the book. Which by the way was a “foreward” until three weeks ago when I learned a “foreward” is a big NO-NO because that is when someone writes something TO YOU in your book. Sigh, still not a professional as hard as I am trying. 🙂
I am only like, 5’5 and shrinking so I think you could do it. If I keep eating your Mallomars though, probs not.
I LOVE THE SWEARY COMMENTS. KEEP THEM COMING.
Maybe you should write a sweary foreward for the book?
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Fuck yes! I will write the fuck out of that foreword!
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OMG THIS MADE MY NIGHT. 💜
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