Family, Life, Motherhood

Taking Off the Training Wheels

Kari

On Mother’s Day, I had an epiphany.

In five years, my oldest daughter probably won’t be sharing this day with me.

Because she will be away at college.

And it hit me like a thud right where my heart and stomach meet.

Walking in Chicago with my girls

I have submerged myself into this motherhood pool from day one.

Jumping in headfirst, with wild abandon, not caring who is looking or what kind of splash I will make.

I pretty much live for my children.

Which I am told by many a self-help book is the absolute wrong thing to do.

I do this because I like doing it.

I do this because I am lucky to be doing it.

I am grateful every single day for the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom. I don’t take the job lightly and, quite frankly, I am pretty good at it.

When my youngest daughter was feeling pressured by a neighbor boy to take the training wheels off her bike last month, I felt a thud.

Why-why-why?? Already??

But I dutifully took them off.

She thrived for five rounds, but then wanted them back on after falling five or six more times.

A younger version of me would have made her keep riding.

Get back on. You can do this. 

Older me, softer me, had my husband put them back on the following day.

Why the hurry to be off training wheels? I questioned.

She has plenty of time.

Doesn’t she?

 

I love my children

Wasn’t it me who was sitting on the bathroom floor when my oldest was a tween and my youngest was in the throes of terrible twos, threes…fours?…begging for time to speed up? Hurry, time! I can’t take this anymore! Some days even saying under my breath, I cannot wait until they go to college.

WHY DID I SAY THAT??? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME??? Why would I put that out there??

The universe, God…someone listened.

And now it is going by way too fast.

Faster as they get easier. Less complicated. Less dependent on me.

At this point, I would pay my oldest to stay within an hour’s drive when she goes to college.

I would pay for college and give her a car to have her still live at home while attending college.

Please don’t tell me I am the only one.

Please tell me that you, too, have thought of this.

I don’t ever want them to leave.

There.

I said it.

When my oldest was placed in my arms 14 years ago, it was the first time I had ever held a newborn.

I had never been a baby person.

Never planned out my children’s names when I was a teenager.

Never begged to babysit the neighbor’s children unless they were over the age of 10.

In fact, I was worried while pregnant with my Annie that I wouldn’t be a good mom.

Because I wasn’t a baby person.

THEY POOP AT ALL TIMES OF DAY???

I fell in love with being a mom a few weeks after she was born.

Because I’m not gonna romanticize it: the first four weeks are kinda ugly.

But after you get to know them?

Wow.

They are pretty cool.

And they share their snacks too.

No one tells you that when you are pregnant.

In my ideal world, I want my family all around me.

I want someday grandkids to be all over me with sticky fingers and hands.

I want the back porch to swing open with my daughters, their mates, their friends, their dogs.

I want it all. Come over. Stay for supper. Are you tired? Spend the night!

It took me many years to realize that for all the time I was desperately missing extended family, my little immediate family was sitting right here waiting for me to open my eyes and appreciate what I have.

I HAVE a family. Right here. In my home. And they are AWESOME.

I am aware of how fleeting it is.

I know someday I will want these moments back.

Sometimes I am good at sitting back and appreciating them, but most days I am not.

While screaming at them to clean their rooms or not roll their eyes at me, I realize that THIS is most likely the moment they will remember.

There are moments in every parent’s life when you wish time would speed up.

When they are sick. When they are going through the terrible twos, teething, potty training, and most of the tween years.

Even as I was writing this over the course of a week, there were days when I would literally laugh out loud.

Because as I was typing the words HOW WILL I LIVE WITHOUT THEM?? it was while they were at school and the house was very quiet.

Come 3:45, I was ready to move out because the six-year-old had decided at school that she was not going to use the letter S for the rest of the day.

Or when shopping for a graduation dress with my 14-year-old, she declared that I don’t know fashion and that capri pants are for old ladies.

You know. Like you, mom. 

My oldest daughter is graduating eighth grade at the end of this week.

I can see things moving in slow motion, yet I wake up one morning and I am getting ready to register her for high school.

Time.

Where is it going?

With every single milestone.

Braces.

Grade changes.

Crushes.

Hair color changes.

Wasn’t I just reading What to Expect?

Wasn’t I just writing what food made me burp in my pregnancy journal?

Weren’t we just at Target buying your reward for giving up your pacifiers?

I spend my entire day revolving around their needs.

This is my job.

This is what I do.

This has been my life for 14-plus years.

When they are gone, what will become of me?

So, I am keeping those training wheels on for a little while longer.

If you need me, I will be braiding hair and dancing to Let It Go for the 100th time.

Because I still can.

 

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20 thoughts on “Taking Off the Training Wheels”

  1. That last little section after the last picture got me. I love all of the pictures. You're a great Mama, Kari, and a wonderful person all around. You are going to be fine, and so are they.And during those moments when you are not feeling fine, call me and we will go for pie and cry together about missing our babies.

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  2. I am trying to draw out this school year as long as possible. Why? Because come September, my first born will be a senior in high school. Th denial is getting harder and harder to wade in…far too shallow!Like you, I am one of the ones the self help books frown upon…well nanna nanna boo-boo…they probably don't suggest wearing capes either! What color is yours Kari, cuz you are super!!!!

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    2. Oh, hee hee hee…this would be my daughter's name…you know, for when she started a blog on the dog's behalf! I thought I caught it in time and switched to mine. Wait, the whole alias thing seemed a little cooler, well, I mean not cooler than my daughter….alrighty then hows about I shush a little!?

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  3. I am trying to draw out this school year as long as possible. Why? Because come September, my first born will be a senior in high school. Th denial is getting harder and harder to wade in…far too shallow!Like you, I am one of the ones the self help books frown upon…well nanna nanna boo-boo…they probably don't suggest wearing capes either! What color is yours Kari, cuz you are super!!!!

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    1. It published your comment under two different names.That is awesome.Maybe because you wear a cape.

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    2. I have brought it to my own attention that I rarely fail to mention capes in my comments to you. I'd like to tell you that I'l try to stop, but I feel a friendship founded on lies is no good, so instead I'd like to apologize…only I'm not really sorry either. Thank you for humoring me/us!

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  4. GIIRRRLLL! My oldest goes into Jr. High next year and I am already begging him to stay local. He laughes and says he will call every day. Though 2:45 is the worst time of the day, I know someday I will miss it. You will be able to find me in therapy or at the pharmacy getting some drugs.

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    1. I will be in line behind you.With the meds, booze and Twix bars.And a People magazine.

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  5. This is so sweet. I was so scared that kindergarten would be "the end of the little kid phase." But it still had so much little kid. And I loved it. Now we are almost done and on our way to 1st grade. Which will definitely have much less little kid. More responsibility. Less coloring. I'm so afraid of losing the children in them.

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  6. Awww. I have been battling the hurry up/slow down thing all year. Lately I catch glimpses of a teenager in my 6-year-old and it freaks me out. I will be the worst empty nester. I already told my daughter I'll remodel the backyard shed so she can live there in college. Like I said – she is 6.

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  7. Beautiful post. But when they do ultimately leave? CALL ME. I've made plans involving food & drink. Maybe some golf. And cake. Definitely cake.

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  8. Oh, Kari my friend…this kills me. The letting go, it's SO gradual until it seems that it's not. And then you want it to stop but in a way you don't. I totally get that. But now I need those tissues.

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    1. Its so hard.I am just glad I have so many friends, like yourself, to get me through it. :)

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