Family, Grief, Life, Photography

dad

Kari

my dad died last friday.

writing that feels weird.

reading it feels weirder.

my dad had some symptoms that landed him back in the hospital. those symptoms were later diagnosed as myasthenia gravis, an autoimmune disorder. he seemed to be getting better. some days were good, while others were not.

one morning, he sent us this selfie:

that was on april 1st.

two days later, he woke up coughing.

they performed a cat scan and discovered that he had pneumonia and new lesion on his spine.

cancer was taking over.

on saturday night, he decided that he wanted to die at home.

on sunday, hospice was called, intervention medications were stopped, and palliative medications were started.

on monday, he had a traveling nurse named april who went above and beyond to complete the necessary paperwork so that my dad could go home the same day. my dad kept asking to see his dog, dolly. april told us to bring the dog to the hospital in case he couldn’t return home until the next day.

yes, dolly got to go to the hospital. ❤️

my dad went home at midnight monday. (thank you, april)

tuesday was his lucid day. we sat by his side, holding hands, talking, loving, reassuring, and, playing music. he was singing to his granddaughters, loving on his family, and saying goodbye. it was a beautiful day filled with family, friends, and love.

my dad was a little less himself on wednesday. he told imaginative stories. he saw unusual things. he had lost his voice. he slept a lot more.

on thursday, my dad slept the entire day.

my dad died shortly after midnight on friday april 12th.

the room where he died

hospice came midday to collect the bed, oxygen tanks, and other supplies. they left the adult diapers. (thanks?)

when we returned to the room and looked around, we all thought, “what did we just go through??” three days of hospice felt like we were suspended in animation. i compared it to being trapped inside of a jello cup. it was the most surreal thing i’ve ever experienced.

it was, without a doubt, the most meaningful experience I’ve ever had the privilege to be a part of. it also provided the most comforting sense of closure i could have ever imagined. my dad is now free from suffering. he fulfilled his final wish to pass away peacefully at home, embraced by his loved ones and his beloved dolly girl.

when my dad was first hospitalized in december, i discovered that he loved sunsets. my mom showed me a picture of a purple sunset that my dad took from the window of his hospital room.

i had no idea he loved sunsets until then. it made me smile because i also love taking pictures of them. it was a lovely little nugget of wisdom i learned about my dad near the end of his life. my dad and i had so many things in common (post to come), and this one made me especially happy.

my mom, daughters, mike, and my brother were all eating dinner at my mom’s house on the evening after he died. i happened to look outside and notice the sun setting.

i went onto the deck alone and took a picture of the sunset.

it looks like we had company 🖤

my dad is already sending so many signs, but the most important and, in my opinion, enduring, will be kindness. he was one of the kindest individuals i’ve ever met, a sentiment shared by most people who’ve had the pleasure of meeting him. he was kind, fair, wholesome, and honest, and his love for his family knew no bounds.

the outpouring of kindness and love directed towards me and my family following his passing feels like a testament to my dad’s influence, as if he’s orchestrating it all for our benefit.

on my dad’s last day in the hospital, his doctor asked whether my dad was a minister. we laughed.

us- “no, why do you ask?”

doctor- “because he is so at peace with his decision. and he is so grateful and kind to everyone, including the doctors, nurses, cna’s, housekeeping staff, food service. everyone.”

that’s just who my dad was.

let it be all of us, too.

my dad loved music, and he shared that love of music with everyone he met. he and i were working on a playlist of his all-time favorite songs when he died. i would love it if you would listen to the playlist and share with anyone you know who loves music.

you can find the playlist on apple music or on spotify

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93 thoughts on “dad”

  1. Oh, I am so,so,so sorry to read about your loss. This was such a beautiful post and made me tear up sitting here in the airport. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Kari, your Dad would be so proud of what you’ve written and how you’ve written it. Your love shines through, and your humour (something you shared with your Dad) hasn’t been lost to the grief, which I’m sure he would be grateful for. Sending so much love to you and your family <3 <3 <3

    A friend of mine always says “may their life be a blessing to you” and I say this to you, for it surely his life has been been a blessing to you all.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Kari,

    This is heart-breaking and beautiful. I am so glad you all got Tuesday, and that you got the kind of closure that is bringing you peace. You all must be so tired. I hope you can rest now. I love the playlist–there are some songs on there that almost made it to the one I sent you, and so many other great ones, too. Soundtrack of our growing up years. Thank you for sharing this. Sending you and your family so much love. That photo of your mom from behind–oof. What a thing you all have been through.

    xoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We’re so glad we got Tuesday. He was supposed to come home Tuesday afternoon. April was working hard to bring him home sooner. She was our guardian angel.

      We feel like we’re just waking up from a four-month coma. What we’ve gone through is finally sinking in.

      Like

  7. I’m so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful post and tribute to your dad. He sounds like a wonderful person. You were so fortunate to have him as your father and to be with him at the end. My mom died Jan. 1, 2023 alone in assisted living. She had asymptomatic COVID and died in her sleep. I was grateful I had visited her a few weeks earlier.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Kari, this post is so beautiful and tender and full of pure love that I am crying all over the place. I feel grateful to you for sharing little snippets of your dad with me, so that I can know his smile and his kindness and his impact on you. Thank you. What a gift to be able to find him during every sunset. I would normally say I am surrounding you with light and love — but it seems he already is. Sending you peace and joy in your memories. <3 <3 <3

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Thank you for this beautiful post. It is a privilege to know your dad through your eyes. You give me courage as I face what will inevitably come with my own father.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I am so sorry for your loss, Kari. I am so happy your dad got to die at home, surrounded by his loved ones. I had the same experience with my mom…she came to live with me for the last few months of her life once she decided to stop chemo. My sisters both came to stay with us and we also experienced the stopping of time during Mom’s final days. We had lots of support from nursing staff during this special time. My husband died in the ICU, hooked up to machines and with only a curtain for privacy. I know which death I would prefer.

    Deb

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, Deb, I’m sorry your husband died in the ICU. All of the beeping and alerts were constantly going off. It was incredibly stressful. My dad’s doctor told my husband that 90% of doctors die at home. I think we all understand why.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I’m so sorry to read this. He sounds like such a wonderful man. Kindness is the ultimate attribute, I believe. I got tearful reading. I have said many times that we don’t know what it’s gonna feel like to lose a parent. We may have ideas but it’s really its own phenomenon. I’m glad you experienced the journey as holy and that you continue to surround yourself w love as you continue to mourn…and celebrate a life well-lived. You are loved.❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’d been dreading the day he would die since December. Despite my best efforts, I discovered that I had been grieving him all along. The closure I got while he was in hospice has helped. I know that there is still a lot of healing to be done. I was and am deeply loved. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. This post to him was so beautifully written, it made me cry. It’s obvious how loved he was and how much he loved his family. From the things you’ve told me about him before, I am not surprised that he treated everyone who cared for him with kindness. We can all learn a lot from your dad! You betcha I will be listening to yours and your dad’s playlist. I will be saving it on my Spotify playlist. All my love and a BIG hug to you, beautiful friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We can really learn a lot from him. He was such a treasure. I’m so glad you’ll be listening to his playlist. The thought of people listening to his playlist this week makes me very happy.

      It was so good to see you today. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  17. What a great person. He always put others first and truly enjoyed being with family. His only vice was those damn Buckeyes! I’m honored to be part of your family and you will be missed. See you on the 19th hole Papa!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Oh, Kari. Oh, my friend. What an incredible gift to the world your dad was. I feel like I got to experience his being through you, and thank you for that. Thank you for sharing his gifts and the blessing that he was with the world. Thank you, Kari, for this. A beautiful tribute for a beautiful soul, may he rest in peace and may his spirit continue to be in this world until the end of time. xoxoxo

    PS I am going to download that playlist right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am glad you felt like you got to experience him through this. That was important to me. This was my version of an obituary for a beautiful life. Thank you so much for this comment.

      I hope you like the playlist. 😘❤️

      Like

  21. Kari, I’m so very sorry for your loss. There are never appropriate words at times like these but please know I have tears rolling down my face after reading this beautiful post. Your love for your father shines through and I know his sweet smiling selfie is a photo you’ll always treasure. At home, surrounded by love, family and a special pet is all any of us can ask when it’s our time. Hospice people are earth bound angels and I agree with you. While experiencing a parent’s passing is heartbreaking, it’s also otherworldly and strangely awe inspiring. If you haven’t lived through it, you can’t know the overwhelming sense of peace at the end. Keep looking for signs. They’re always with us.
    💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww, thank you friend. I love that selfie so much. He took it when he was feeling good and thought he was on the road to recovery. He was hopeful. ❤️

      I keep looking for the signs, and they are there. It’s absolutely amazing.😘❤️

      Like

  22. “writing that feels weird.

    reading it feels weirder.”

    Kari, that is exactly how I felt when I posted the news of my mother’s passing on November 14th on my blog. It feels surreal, doesn’t it?

    Isn’t hospice wonderful? Both my parents had hospice – my father was at a hospice center, my mother had hospice at home.

    I’m so happy that you and your family had “loving time” before he passed. I had the same with my father. I had 9 days with him before he passed.

    “..it was, without a doubt, the most meaningful experience I’ve ever had the privilege to be a part of. it also provided the most comforting sense of closure i could have ever imagined. my dad is now free from suffering.”

    (((((((((((( YOU ))))))))))))

    And I will finish my comment by sharing this…

    “i happened to look outside and notice the sun setting.”

    My dad too loved sunsets. And your not going to believe this, but right after my dad passed, I walked outside, looked up to the sky, and noticed the most beautiful sunset. I remember thinking to myself that he picked the perfect time of day to leave this earth. SUNSET.

    Thank you for sharing this experience with us, my friend. BEAUTIFUL post! X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, friend, it’s so surreal. You know all too well how it feels.

      Hospice is absolutely amazing. I loved it so much that I’d do it again and I am considering becoming a hospice volunteer.

      I am so glad you had that time with your dad. We were so grateful to the nurse for getting my dad home earlier, otherwise we would not have had the entire lucid day with him at home.

      Omg, I love how your dad sent you that sunset after he died! What a beautiful exit stage left. 💕

      Thank you for reading about my dad, for sending him reiki, and for being there for me. I appreciate you so very much. 😘💕

      Like

  24. (My comment from yesterday never went through I guess??)

    I’m so sad that you didn’t get more time with your Dad, but I’m glad that the time he had left, he was home and surrounded by loved ones. And I’m really glad that he was cognizant of this and able to communicate with you and your family. It is interesting the things you learn about your parents, either near the end, or after they pass. That is amazing that you had such a beautiful sunset on that evening.

    Yes, it’s so empty when Hospice comes to take away all the equipment. My father passed away in the living room of my parents’ condo that I sold in January. On my last day there, I stood in the spot that he passed and spent time alone crying. I just recently told my husband that and he totally understood because he did the same thing when his parents’ home was sold a few years ago.

    Sending you hugs in the days/weeks ahead. I’ve been thinking about you A LOT! XO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad we got him home in the end. I don’t think we’d be so at peace if he died in the hospital. He had such a difficult four months.

      Oh, friend, I’m so sorry you went through this too. It is difficult to explain to someone who has not been through it. But, when you know, you know. 😘❤️

      Thank you so much for thinking of me and reaching out. It means so much to me.

      Like

  25. P.S. I enjoyed looking through the playist. I love that there was so much ELO. And I haven’t thought of Leo Sayer in decades! Such a diverse collection.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Dear Kari, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s amazing how your dad touched so many lives through your blog, and I’m grateful for that. Thank you for sharing him with your readers. And thank you for this lovely tribute to him.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for allowing me to share him with you. He was a big fan of my blog. He enjoyed reading both the posts and the comments, too. He appreciated all of you rooting him on. 😘❤️

      Like

  28. It’s interesting that your dad and my dad made the exact same decision. They wanted to stop fighting, go home, be with the family and die on their own terms. The music we played was December by George Winston. In fact, George retweeted the post where I wrote about my dad’s death and the music in the background. Reading you story brought back so many memories from over a decade ago now. I am so very sorry for you loss, my heart breaks with you, and yet I’m grateful that you were there, as witness, and as a loving presense for your beloved father as he labored from this life to the next. There is nothing more profound except the birth of a child. I hope you are able to wrap yourself in warm memories, sunsets, and his gentle laughter. Hugs my friend, C

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love that song, Cheryl. Every time I hear it, I’ll think of your dad. I’m sorry for your loss.

      While my dad was dying at home, I was thinking about the birthing process. How the dying process felt very similar to labor.

      We are definitely wrapped up in all of those things. Thank you so much for this comment. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  29. Oh my, Kari. I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss. What a privilege for you to be together to accompany your dad at the end of his life. Thank you for sharing the journey with us.

    I was just thinking of you today as I drove home and Heaven 17’s “Let Me Go” came on, then when I saw the sunset photo preview to your post as I was catching up on blogs this afternoon, was pretty sure what it would tell me.

    That’s a lovely song accompaniment to the post. Blessings of peace and comfort to you and yours.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You are so welcome, friend.

        Yes, pretty amazing! I was recalling how you included the “car video” when the song was playing.

        I was blessed to be with my parents when each crossed over. Unforgettable experiences and the final acts of caring on this plane.

        Be gentle with yourselves. 💙🙏🏼❤️‍🩹

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You’re welcome, my friend. It is important to remember that.

        I’m sorry, I’m not on Spotify so I can’t listen to your dad’s playlist but I will have a look. 🙏🏼💙

        Liked by 1 person

  30. Oh Kari. I am so very sorry. This sounds so hard. I cannot imagine. But you have done a beautiful job of describing the experience. Inside a jello cup. Wow. Well said.

    I’m glad he was able to be home. Surrounded by all of you. I love that you were still learning things about him. The sunset and the doctor’s remark about being a minister . . . so touching. He sounds like a wonderful man. An amazing dad and grandpa.

    I apologize for being late to your post. I feel awful. I have been thinking of you. Will continue to think of you and your family. Wishing you all peace and the comfort of knowing he is no longer in pain. XO

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Your post was the perfect tribute. Your words were definitely written from your heart. Sigh. It will take time but you’ll all eventually find your new normal, even Dolly.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. This is such a beautiful tribute. I absolutely love the selfie he took of himself. It brings to mind when my father passed away 25 years ago; he died in hospital, but in a private room, surrounded by his family and many of his grandchildren. It was a beautiful two days while he peacefully slept and woke twice to smile and speak to us for a few minutes. He told us at the end how fortunate he was and what a great life he had – I will never forget that. I’m so happy you and your family were able to be with your dad is such a gift. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Pat. I’m so glad you had that with your father. It makes a huge difference in closure, don’t you think? I am so glad we had that time alone with him, and I’m so grateful to everyone who made it possible for us.

      Like

  33. You’ve been in so many of my thoughts this week. My heart breaks for your family, but I had the biggest smile on my face seeing his selfie. Look how alert and alive he looks; so happy and at peace. WHAT A GIFT.

    I appreciate the fact that he was able to be home with all of you and sweet Dolly. Sending love your way as you grieve and heal from everything you’ve been through. It is indeed a whirlwind. XO

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, friend. He was such a bright light in our lives.

      A whirlwind, yes. It’s now just settling in that it was only four months. It seemed a lot longer while we were within it.

      Like

  35. My heart breaks for you. This all happened so incredibly fast, too. But I guess if there’s a “good” way to die, your dad found it. May your family find continued peace in the difficult times ahead. Enjoy those sunsets and keep an ear out for train whistles in the night. They’re all signs; I 100% believe that. <3

    Liked by 1 person

  36. My condolences on your loss. I know how difficult it can be to process a parent’s passing. You’ve written a wonderful post that shows how much you loved your father, and how much he loved his life. Enough to be at peace until the end. That’s something to treasure.

    Liked by 1 person

  37. Aw Kari. I am so sorry for you and your family. This post is beautiful. The time you had with your Dad and how you all spent it. I was crying as I read your words. Your dad is a special soul.

    I would write more but I’m all out of words. Your post hits close to home. I am very sorry for your loss. Sending you so much love ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  43. What a beautiful, heartbreaking post. Sounds like you and your family did everything possible to make your dad’s passing peaceful, and, amazingly, so did he. I’m sure that doesn’t lessen your grief one bit, though. Hang in there, and keep up the loving thoughts. And it’s true: I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

  44. Kari – May I offer my belated condolences on the passing of your father?

    I think you were a daddy’s girl, as I am/was. IDK if it’s a Taurus thing. I think that’s also your sign. If not, maybe it’s just a thing for those of us who have April birthdays, as I know both of us do.

    It may also be related to one or both of those coincidences, but I too shared a love of music with my dad. I loved the music he loved, so much so, that I made sure to bring a lot of his albums with me on my cross-country move from CA (where I was living with my mom before she passed during the pandemic and during which I also “lost” my ex-husband in TN).

    I haven’t been following you on a regular basis but like to check in with some of the bloggers I loved and followed before I started to try and cut down on the time I spend online so I might follow other personal pursuits – like writing! I’m glad you’re continuing with that and that you continue to share the ups and downs, quirks and observations, you experience in life which, after all, must, or at least does, go on!

    PS I like your Dad playlist, probably because I recognize and like most of the tunes!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww, thank you, my friend! It’s so good to see you on here again.

      I love that you’re also a Daddy’s girl—and a fellow Taurus! 🩷

      It’s beautiful that you and your dad shared a love of music. That connection is such a gift and has been a big part of my healing process too. How wonderful that you have his albums—what a treasure!

      I’m so happy to hear that you’re writing! That makes my heart so full for you. I also love that you’re enjoying his playlist; I know he would love that too. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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