Grief, Life, Soul Homework

54 for 54

Kari

last summer, i wrote a post about the 53 lessons i’ve learned over my 53 years on earth. after sharing it, i decided to keep notes on my phone for my 54th year, adding new perspectives with each year.

interestingly, in january, i chose “perspective” as my word of the year.

i hadn’t realized how much the word perspective would influence my daily life over the last year. from small, everyday moments to major life decisions, shifting my perspective has allowed me to see situations in a new light. it’s amazing how much a shift in your perspective can influence everything—your mood, your relationships, and even your sense of purpose.

here is what i’ve learned in the last year.

1- the fewer words i use to express anything, the better.

2- humans are very fixated on labels and categories (myself included).

3- i’m a simple person. i’m not meant for hustle and bustle.

4- every day, i wake up with a new muscle ache, cramp, or pain. nothing terrible, other than my body has begun to show its age. (yoga helps)

5- i don’t need as much sleep as i used to.

6- i’ve found myself letting go of society’s conditioning influence in my personal life and home more than i used to.

7- when i stopped micromanaging my children, our relationships improved.

8- the more i treat myself with love, the more i am able to show it to others.

9- i will always worry about something.

10- as i get older, balance becomes more important. literal balance, as in don’t tip over.

11- speaking of which, be very careful as i walk down the stairs.

12- as much as possible, be “right here and now.” (van halen was right)

13- do not always share my good news. particularly on social media.

14- i tend to overreact or get frustrated when things get tough, but i’m working on being more mindful in those moments.

15- i never regret taking a short nap. i always regret a long one. set a timer.

16- get ahead of the pain. don’t “wait and see.”

17- though i’m deeply grateful to have a roof over my head, the constant upkeep of a home can feel overwhelming at times.

18- i hate waking up to an alarm.

19- i love not having plans.

20- i don’t want to be in your photograph. i preserve my existence by taking selfies.

21- it is never too late…until it truly is.

22- i realized that helping others is not just a part of my life but its purpose. this shift in perspective transformed everything for me.

23- in many situations, i trust artificial intelligence over a human.

24- but at the same time, i can’t shake the feeling that ai might eventually end the world—so yeah, it’s a love/hate thing.

25- being by my dad’s side in hospice during his final days was one of the most beautiful and sacred experiences of my life.

i miss that hand so much…

26- but seeing seeing the lifeless body of someone i deeply loved changed me in ways i’m still trying to understand.

27- society often lacks patience for grief and illness, especially when it’s invisible or mental.

28- it’s frustrating to realize that the traits that bother me in others are often ones i need to work on myself. it seems that those psychologists really were onto something.

29- i’ve come to realize that we all have our own ways of being manipulative, whether we’re aware of it or not.

30- i believe i could benefit from therapy, but i have not yet found the right therapist.

31- going on little day trips is the perfect amount of travel for me.

photo by darius geske

32- listen more, talk less.

33- death has taught me that, ultimately, nothing in life is as serious as it sometimes feels.

34- we are all selfish in our own unique ways. understanding this has made me much more compassionate towards others.

35- i will not look up book reviews before reading a book, especially one i’m excited about.

36- i believe in the power of a good ritual. daily soul homework (and yoga before bed) saved my mental well-being this year.

37- no one prepared me for how difficult it is to lose a parent. no one could have prepared me.

38- helping loved ones can be my dharma, my purpose.

39- pick a battle.

40- life is incredibly messy. let’s show the unfiltered versions more.

41- no family is truly functional. we are all dysfunctional in some way.

42- my internal voice used to be a bully. occasionally, she still makes an appearance.

44- there is no rulebook.

44- human ashes look different than i expected.

45- my self-worth is not tied to how productive i am.

46- maybe the traffic jam is there for a reason.

47- we will all be touched by cancer in our lifetime.

48- i believe there is a cure for cancer already. however, keeping people sick makes people very rich.

a friend of mine had a better take- they stopped looking for a cure because (see above)

49- having tattoos has made me more aware of others’ body art. it’s a beautiful form of self-expression.

50- i need routine to function properly.

51- i do believe they are right.

52- it’s okay if people don’t like me. it’s okay if people don’t like me. it’s okay if people don’t like me.

53- i do something nice for myself every day. even if it’s just listening to my favorite playlist.

54- life can change in an instant. let’s appreciate this moment right here. won’t you join me? 🖤

what did you learn this year?

how has your perspective shifted recently?


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72 thoughts on “54 for 54”

  3. Oh I am right there with you on the cancer cure belief… though I hate to be that cynical but really a multi-million dollar industry would come crashing to a halt if a cure was indeed found.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. One day while I was at the cancer center with my mom waiting for my dad, I said to her, ‘This is quite an operation they’ve got going on here, isn’t it?’ Being on the inside of it really changed how we both viewed the cancer industry.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I know! I thought of you and a few other friends who love to travel. I have a long list of places I’d love to visit, but I’m just not a fan of the actual process of traveling. Hopefully, that changes someday.

      Thank you for reading. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Yesterday, I saw something about flexibility being a good way to judge life expectancy or risk of early death… something like that. People theorized that it made sense because low flexibility could be linked to bei g sedentary. I *know* the actual link is that as joints stiffen, we become less able to prevent falls or reduce their severity. I have outstanding balance buy my knees and back are crap now (heads up, it gets exponentially worse around 60). I have had multiple experiences of tripping, or a knee giving out, and being completely unable to stop, or even reduce the severity, of a fall. It’s seriously only pure luck that kept me from hitting my head and dying from a minor incident!

    Good on ya for reaching the point of not caring what others think! It’s SO liberating! I wish we all figured it out much sooner!! For me, the best way it manifests is when I’m stressing about looking nice for some event. I wuickly think, “who the H am I trying to impress?” and dress/style for comfort instead!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve also heard people say 60 is the magic number! I mentioned to Mike that as much as I love our home, I’m not sure how I feel about having stairs as we get older. There’s a comedian who lost her mom after a fall on the stairs—she hit her head just the wrong way and passed the next day. I don’t think we realize how dangerous falls can really be.

      It’s so freeing, right? Dropping two social media accounts did wonders for me, too. Also, not looking in the mirror too much helps. 🤣

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I dropped all social media… it’s too freakin negative now!

        I was thinking of this convo yesterday as I nearly faceplanted when going out back, cause I forgot to take the w steps slow & sideways. Then, getting out of the shower veeeery carefully, cause I kinda drag my R leg over the tub wall. All those bathroom remodel commercials for “no step tub/shower” are really getting to me!!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Me too!!!! After a couple falls where I was VERY lucky not to be hurt, I got a smartwatch so I could call 911. But it doesn’t have fall detection and doesn’t work if I’m more than 10′ from my phone… so it doesn’t really help. But, jt was super cheap… a trial to see if I could handle wearing a watch. After I withdraw some 401k money, I might get a good one.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I haven’t learned a damn thing this year 🤣🤣🤣 Ok, I did learn that pine nuts come from pine cones and I’m still dumbfounded by this bit of knowledge. Obviously, I’m not very introspective. But my perspective has changed on certain people and why they think the way that they do. I don’t have to like everything about a person, but I can still support them or be their friend.

    I will also always worry about something AND overreact. But because I also overreact positively, I think people like me more 🤓

    I’m with you on the stairs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I laughed so hard I startled the dogs. 🤣

      If I hadn’t learned anything this year, it would have been a real loss. This year demanded to be heard.

      PINE NUTS COME FROM PINE CONES??? Mind blown. The learning never stops!

      Being friends despite differences—that’s something profound. That kind of connection is sacred.

      I totally get the positive overreacting!

      And stairs? They make me ridiculously nervous, too. Last year definitely changed something in me. 😶

      Like

  8. There are so many gems here! My favorites:
    8- the more i treat myself with love, the more i am able to show it to others.
    46- maybe the traffic jam is there for a reason.

    And the unfortunate truths I’ve also come to discover on my life’s journey.
    27- society often lacks patience for grief and illness, especially when it’s invisible or mental.
    48- keeping people sick makes people very rich.

    What have I learned this year? I’m not beholden to anyone. My life is my responsibility, but it can either be a burdensome pack or a parachute ready to carry me off to a new adventure. I’ve learned to be unapologetically ME, quirks and all, with little regard for the opinions of others. There’s a lightness and ease that comes with that–living life on our own terms, chasing our own dreams, and being comfortable in our own skin.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love what you’ve learned this year. There’s so much freedom in realizing we don’t owe anyone an explanation for how we live our lives. That lightness you describe—it feels like real peace. Here’s to more parachutes and fewer burdens. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  9. “i hadn’t realized how much the word perspective would influence my daily life over the last year.”

    Me neither, Kari! It wasn’t until I went through certain challenges in my life did I know the importance (and power) in that word. It’s all about “perception”.

    Your #5 – me too! I sleep about 5 hours a night However, I do a Reiki session on myself daily, so that helps tremendously to relax and recharge my body. I get more out of meditation/Reiki than I do sleeping 8 hours.

    My favorite days are ones in which I have NO plans. I just go with the flow and allow the day to take me wherever.

    “25- being by my dad’s side in hospice during his final days was one of the most beautiful and sacred experiences of my life.”

    Me too. With my dad.

    This year (particularly this summer) I learned that I am no longer a city-person. So, this coming year I’m going to start looking outside the city for a quieter location. I need to be closer to nature.

    As always, my friend, I always enjoy your list-of-things posts! Have a grrrrrrreat week!

    X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Perspective is a very powerful word, isn’t it? 🖤

      Whoa, that’s a great point! I never thought about Reiki/meditation. You are so right about getting more out of those practices than 8 hours of sleep!

      I love those days, too! These are my favorite kind of days!

      I will never forget that experience as long as I live. 🖤

      OMG, I am so happy for you! Think of all the squirrels to feed!

      Sending you so much love, my friend! 😘❤️

      Like

  10. I have learned many of the same lessons you have this year, particularly the ones about productivity and purpose. My (on-going) recovery from brain injury has been quite a teacher. I thought I already knew a lot of things from my experiences with migraine, but this has taken me to a different level. I can feel myself shifting to a new way of being. Like you, I’m not meant for hustle and bustle. Sometimes I am nostalgic for earlier versions of myself (like, the one who could hustle and bustle) but of all the people I’ve been, the one I am now is the one I like the best. She’s slower, but she is (usually) kinder than any of the others. I’ve learned how important simple kindness is. 

    I love your list. I’ve seen all of these things in your writing over the past few years.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally understand being nostalgic for earlier versions of ourselves. I felt that way earlier this summer—I was grieving my dad deeply, the heat and humidity were unbearable, I hated therapy, and I felt really toxic. I found myself wishing for the 2021 version of me, the one who was so happy on my healing journey. But now, I love who I am in this moment. She is healing, she’s intentional, facing her grief, reading a lot, eating cleaner, and looking ahead.

      I’m so glad you’re embracing who you are right now, too—it makes me so happy for you, my friend. Here’s to celebrating who we are in this moment.

      And I love that you can see all of this reflected in my writing. That makes me happy, too. ❤️

      Like

      1. This is a great set of new year’s resolutions:  “She is healing, she’s intentional, facing her grief, reading a lot, eating cleaner, and looking ahead.” I hate that for you the heat and humidity were unbearable, but I am comforted by knowing that it wasn’t just me. What are we going to do about what summer has become? I know there’s no changing it, so it means changing me. Maybe if we both work on healing, being intentional, facing grief, and eating cleaner, we’ll figure something out by next year?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes!

        It feels like summer is changing, and it makes me sad. I’ve noticed I can’t garden like I used to, and plants that once thrived in the heat aren’t making it anymore. It’s almost the end of September, and it’s still in the 80s here.

        I love this idea, Rita. Let’s work on it together. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  11. This is such a great list, Kari! So many of these touched me. This year has been a tough one for me, and I’m still a bit shell-shocked, even though things are going well. I’d say the main thing I learned is to be very gentle with myself – and that’s been really nice!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You really did have a tough year, my friend. I’m so glad you’re being gentle to yourself through it all. I remember Steve giving me that same advice back in April when I was coping with my dad’s death, and it truly helped me too. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I learned patience and discernment this year, during a very painful break with a family member. Those two things helped me survive and know what to say and when to remain silent (and patient). Wonderful list… a beautiful birthday gift to yourself and your world. Take good care, friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, Steve, I’m so sorry. I know how tough those breaks can be. Patience and resilience are so important in moments like that, and I’m glad they were there for you when you needed them.

      You’re right—they really are gifts! I hadn’t thought of them that way until you mentioned it, but I love the perspective. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Oooh this is all so wonderful. Balance – literally and figuratively – is so important.

    I think to me the biggest lessons in life have been just accepting, letting go, and being as inclusive as possible in all situations. And, of course, to choose my responses carefully.

    Oh, one more! I show myself at least as much love as I would to anyone else – probably a bit more, honestly. It helps with everything.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely! This year has taught me so much about balance—both literally and figuratively.

      I completely agree with everything you said. Letting go is a big one, and yoga has really helped me with that too.

      I love how you put it: “I show myself at least as much love as I would to anyone else—probably a bit more, honestly.” ❤️

      Like

  14. #40 … this one is still very painful for me. i want to share the messy, and have in the past, only to feel judged or told to “just get over it.” … so, sometimes, i think it’s easier to journal privately (then to show vulnerabilities). but i keep trying! <3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, friend, I totally get it. (People can really say some crappy things sometimes, can’t they?) I don’t share as many of my vulnerabilities here as I’d like to, mostly out of fear of being judged. But look at all the kind, supportive people in this comment section! Being vulnerable is tough. #40 was me convincing myself to open up more, so please hold me to it. I hope you keep trying, too! 😘

      Liked by 1 person

  15. First…is that your leg in a cast? What the heck? Second, love your list! There are several that I resonated with. For sure #3, I am not meant for hustle and bustle…Why do people think they have to be “busy” and “in a hurry” to be productive? That’s silly. I move slow and still accomplish lots of things. A fast paced life is in my rear-view mirror.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No, that’s Mike’s leg after surgery last fall. Last year on Labor Day, he fell down the stairs and broke his leg.

      I agree with you about not having to feel busy anymore, but I used to feel that way for a long time. But I am now like you. I love that I can enjoy a slower-paced life without feeling guilty about it. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Love wins. Always.

    Did I learn anything this year? I’ve learned that I want less tangible things in my life, but always more laughter and togetherness. I’ve learned that some people are disappointing, but that there are also so many that are inspiring and caring.

    #48. Big Pharma is in so much of today’s health care and culture it’s frightening.

    I’m so afraid of falling (again) that I too am taking my time and trying to be more patient in all areas, especially movement.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ❤️🌈

      I love all of that. 🌈

      It is so frightening, my friend.

      I’m so afraid, too. I’m also so afraid for others. When you wrote about taking two Zyrtec, I was like OMG, I HOPE SHE DOESN’T FALL DOWN. ❤️😘🤣

      Liked by 1 person

  17. This is a great list. Love so much of it. #30 – Oh man, I hope you find a good therapist soon. A good therapist is a true treasure. I had a very nice therapist for awhile, but I grew tired of her saying “I’m here for you.” Like, Yeah, great. Now how’s about you help me cope or move past some of this?

    Amen to, It’s OK if people don’t like me (on repeat, so I remind myself that his is truth). I’ve been trying to do something nice for myself, or take a few minutes out of the day to NOT get something done on my list. The last few days it’s been to lay on a chair in the sun during nap time and read or close my eyes.

    I’ve learned a lot in the last year. I guess I learned a lot about how people are not always who or what you think they are (lawsuit knowledge). And, doing good things can be very draining and it’s OK to be drained, and to take a break from it (adoption process lesson). SIBO sucks the big one. (personal experience life lesson).

    Did you just get your hair cut short? You look cute in these photos. Great dimples. ;)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope so too! Both of my therapists were lovely people, but I just wasn’t getting what I needed out of therapy.

      Those are such great ideas for self-care! It’s not always about material things. For me, it’s little rituals like eating my oatmeal in a sunny spot each morning, watching my favorite show at lunchtime, and setting aside time in the afternoon to read a book. All the small things that add up.

      You’ve had a big year too. 😘

      Oh, that picture is from last year! My hair’s in a ponytail in that one. Thank you! ❤️

      Like

  18. I’m with you on: 3, 18, 26, 31, 45 [amen], & 54. Maybe I should play those numbers in the lottery.

    What did I learn this year? I learned that as I get rid of more stuff in this house the lighter I feel because I’m shedding the past. And as such I feel more authentic to who I am now, not who people wanted me to be then. And the new me is more inclined to relate to the vibes of other people, rather than their words. ‘Ya know?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ALLY. YES. DO IT. Also, knowing this about you makes me think we’d get along so well in person.

      I was just telling someone recently that I can pick up on the vibe as soon as I walk into a place and know exactly how people talk about me. For me, that says way more than anything they could say to my face.

      Like

  19. These are excellent lessons. Is there a way I can skip to acceptance of #7 without doing the heavy lifting? It’s SO HARD not to micromanage my 11-year-old. So. Hard.

    #9: TRUTH.

    #15: Why is this so accurate?!

    The only one on which you and I are completely opposed is #23. I am deeply suspicious of AI. #24 all the way, lol/sob.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was like this for so long—it’s so hard not to micromanage. I didn’t start figuring it out until my youngest was 14, and even then, it was still tough at times. So I totally get what you’re going through. Big hugs. 😘❤️

      I CANNOT STOP WORRYING. EVER.

      I actually started taking afternoon naps a couple of times a week after I got COVID this summer. I set a timer for 15-20 minutes, and let me tell you, it’s been a game changer. Sometimes, I even sneak in a nap before bed. That’s when I realized COVID had changed me a bit. Or maybe I’m just getting old. 🤣

      I get it—it’s scary. I saw a video a few weeks ago of robots working in Amazon facilities, and it was unsettling. They’re human-like and learn from their mistakes. Just wait until they start showing up in healthcare… 😶

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Love #49! I only have a couple of tattoos, but I’m always so fascinated by what others have. I hate how judgmental it can be at times too. Like, the carpet cleaner we use has a tech with a beautiful sleeve. It has portraits of people dear to him, incredible graphics of significant events in his life, and just some goofy things he wanted on his body. I know it because I talked to him about it. He told me some people just stare at him like, “Why is a convict in my home?” Such a shame that some people can’t appreciate it.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I’m so impressed by your growth the past year and the many lessons you have learned. I’d probably have to keep a running list too, because it’s hard to come up with anything at all on the spot. I will say, #19 is something I will always strive for, but it’s been an ongoing struggle. I’ve learned to a certain extent that, after a labor-intensive day gardening, it IS okay not to make plans the next day.

    Of course, nine times out of ten, I find myself back out in the garden the next day, too. Like I said: ongoing struggle. I’m happy with baby steps.

    I have for sure learned that roughly half this country is delusional.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. #19 is definitely something I’m aiming for too, but life keeps throwing plans my way. 🤣

      I have to say, I’ve thought of you and Tara with all your gardening this summer, especially given the weather. This summer has been tough for me for a few reasons (COVID and grief), but the extreme heat and humidity are big contributors to why my lawn looks awful. Throw in a drought, and my little suburban yard looks like a Triscuit. I’m honestly in awe of what you two have done.

      It’s frightening, isn’t it?

      Liked by 1 person

  23. Waking up with some new pain or cramp, etc. Yep! Welcome to life after menopause! If I don’t do yoga stretches every day, my lower back and hips pay for it.

    Interesting that you don’t need as much sleep. I actually need more these days.

    I can only take short little cat naps. I relax late in the afternoon and sometimes fall asleep for maybe 10 or 15 min. I’ve never been a long napper.

    I’m with you on the alarms to wake up – hate them! I’m happy to be at the point in my life where I don’t need one. It’s now a pleasure to wake up naturally.

    A day without any specific plans is the best day. :-)

    Aww, I’m disappointed that you don’t want to be in MY photo. Though I don’t have any photos of you! Or of us together. I’d like one, if that’s OK with you someday. I put photos of me and my friends in my art journals. I also have a friend folder in my phone gallery that I love looking at because I feel so much love when I do so. I’m not a selfie person.

    “Society often lacks patience for grief and illness, especially when it’s invisible or mental.” Amen, my friend.

    You said you haven’t found the right therapist. I thought you had one?? I have been to maybe 3 or 4 therapists over the years and I didn’t care for any of them. I mean, they were nice and all, but they didn’t help me much. I get much more benefit from talking to my friends and reading books.

    Oh, absolutely Western Medicine and Big Pharma (on the whole) are mostly into making money, not healing. They don’t make money on well people. That’s why I prefer “natural health” alternatives whenever possible. Don’t get me wrong, Western Medicine and prescriptions do have their place. I am thankful for the couple of meds that I’m currently on and I’m thankful there’s antibiotics when needed.

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so grateful for yoga—it’s truly a gift for our bodies.

      I’ve never been a long napper! If I do take one, I usually end up feeling disoriented and icky afterward.

      I’d be more than happy to be in your photo! 😘

      I stopped in July. She was a very nice person, but I wasn’t getting anything out of it. I’m not giving up on therapy for myself yet.

      I completely agree with you. My dad’s cancer really changed the way I view healthcare and the medical field.

      xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  25. Kari this list is amazing!

    The day before I read your post my husband and I had a conversation that touched on many of the things you mention. Going through sh*t changes you, ya know?

    So basically…. same. 😊

    Laughing a lot (even when everything is sad or discouraging) and focusing on what’s immediately in front of me (and appreciating every dear moment of it) is the best I can do right now.

    And when I remember to, I’m trying balance exercises for my vestibular system. 😁

    Hope this past week brought many happy moments your way. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re absolutely right: going through tough times really does change you. I wish I could give you a hug!

      Laughter and mindfulness are everything! They’re truly what’s saving me right now.

      Exercises for your vestibular system? I’m heading to Google now! Ooh, yes! I carry a lot of tension in my upper body, so I should definitely look into that.

      I hope it’s brought you happy moments too. 😘❤️

      Like

  26. What a brilliant list – you just know I’ve been inspired by it, don’t you? :)

    1. I’ve discovered that even when I have made this into a fine art, it is surprising how many people won’t read beyond the first few of those words, and then wonder later why stuff isn’t happening as they assumed it would. By people I mean Project Managers on huge salaries…

    I so agree with you about 25 <3 and am sending huge hugs for 26 <3 <3 <3

    28. I love psychology, even when it teaches me tough lessons like this one :)

    31. I’m more a staycation than vacation person. I like the idea of visiting new places, but the travel and upheaval, not so much.

    Going to stop now, as there’s so much good stuff here Kari :)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love that you do, Deb! 😘

      1- WOW. This is such a brilliant perspective.

      Thank you for the hugs—I’ll gladly take them.

      I’m really into psychology too! Even more so as I get older.

      And yes, I completely relate to how you feel about travel. There are so many places I’d love to visit, but the chaos of it all can be exhausting.

      Thank you so much, Deb. I always appreciate your thoughtful comments. 😘

      Liked by 1 person

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