Family, Grief, Life, Migraine

emotional damage

Kari

i had two appointments last week—one with my migraine doctor for my three-month botox checkup, and a few days later, my monthly visit with my psychiatrist. i went to my migraine appointment feeling optimistic, because for the first time in the 19 years i’ve had migraines, i’ve been keeping a detailed migraine and headache journal.

for the previous three months, i decided to log every single migraine or headache i had, along with every medication i used, how long each headache or migraine lasted, and then input all the data into chatgpt. my hope was that it would generate a detailed chart or graph that i could show my migraine doctor at my next visit.

i can’t remember the book i got this from

i have a fear of pain. more specifically, i’m afraid of the pain never going away. this started in 2020 during the lockdown, when i had a migraine so bad, i honestly thought i was going to die. i don’t often talk about that headache, and i don’t revisit that day much. even writing about it now scares me. that’s the reason i started going to a psychiatrist.

that was before i started doing soul homework. i used to think my migraines were only about estrogen—about my body hating me, my hormones. i never knew anything about how emotions, trauma, or muscles holding in feelings could be connected to it all.

fast forward to the week of my migraine appointment. i copied my migraine log and pasted it into chatgpt, and it generated the results. it turned out that i was averaging four migraines each month—12 migraines per botox cycle.

this can’t be right! i had way more than 12 migraines. but i entered everything—i didn’t miss a single head pain or neck clench.

i shared that with my physicians assistant before my botox injections, and she shrugged it off as if it wasn’t a big deal, almost like that’s good! be happy!

i read on another migraine statistics site that “under five is what we strive for,” meaning that having fewer than five migraines a month is considered good based on the national migraine average in the u.s..

the old me would have been fine with this information. but 2025 me felt sad, depressed, and hopeless.

why? i asked my psychiatrist a few days later, who was half an hour late because she was backed up, and only gave me ten minutes of her time.

she hurriedly explained that emotional pain and physical pain trigger the same part of the brain.

“you may have only had four migraines each month, but it felt like you had one every day because you are grieving.”

this is why I can’t get upset at her for being late. (i mean, i can, but i won’t—have you just met me?)

emotional pain. physical pain. same part of the brain. holy hell.

every day, there’s some kind of pain—though not the kind i can take tylenol for. the kind that lingers beneath the surface, ready to jump out and remind me, “remember when your dad used to say, ‘there’s my girl!’ when you’d walk in the door? yeah, that’s never going to happen again.“

this morning, i woke up feeling a bit off as I reached the coffee maker. when i looked down at the floor, it reminded me of a time when i had more energy and was always working on home improvement projects.

i miss that version of myself—the one who hadn’t yet been through menopause, a pandemic lockdown, migraines that felt like she was dying, and watching her dad die.

emotional damage.

i practice yoga twice a day, do soul homework every morning, and make plans with mike, mom, friends, and my daughters. i am surrounded by this incredible community here. i take my antidepressant every day. my life, in many ways, is ideal. but it still takes all of that just to feel like i’m operating at an average level.

i know i should feel better.

emotional damage.

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56 thoughts on “emotional damage”

  1. Oh, I so see you. Sounds like you know you’re doing the best for yourself, but the space to practice patience with yourself and to grieve are also just as important. (So says the woman who is about to quit trauma therapy because it’s too difficult.) Keep on being, over there. And writing – I appreciate your blog very much.

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    1. It feels so good to be seen.

      OMG, I quit therapy in July because it was too difficult. I honestly felt like I was suffocating. I know I need therapy, though. My psychiatrist is really just there to manage my antidepressant and offer little bits of advice (which are very helpful, by the way).

      I appreciate you and your blog as well. 😘

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  2. I’m so sorry. I very much understand what you mean by the fear of pain. People who have experienced severe and brutal pain are changed by that event, for sure.

    I miss the version of myself that used to be as well. Emotional damage hurts, and I find that I like to bury myself in “shoulds” when I’m feeling off.

    Grief gets us in lots of ways. Sending comfort.

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  3. Oh, Kari, I hear you. Emotional damage is very real and it doesn’t care about the time we think it should take to heal. You’ve had a tough year of deep grief, and I honestly think that the pandemic caused everyone more emotional damage than we even realize. I don’t have migraines, thankfully, but I’m horrified that 4 per month is considered to be “good”. That sounds absolutely debilitating to me, and no wonder you’re afraid of pain. I know what you mean about missing a former version of yourself. My thoughts are with you, Kari. ❤️

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    1. You are so right about the pandemic! So many of us are still walking around unhealed from that experience. And you’re absolutely right about the 4 per month (or 5, according to the foundation!). WHAT?! It should be 0—always 0.

      Thnk you so much, Michelle. 😘❤️

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  4. I gnashed my teeth at the concept of never returning to “normal” after loss. At there never being a point where there was zero grief in my life. It makes perfect sense you would feel the same for this- after all, how much agony is an acceptable amount of agony to be in for the rest of your life? Seems like the right answer would be none… but what “should be” and what “is” are so often vastly different things.

    I will say seeing cluster headaches listed there almost took me out at the knees- it’s so seldom listed or studied… it was like seeing it in the wild.

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    1. RIGHT?!?!

      When I saw you mention cluster headaches in your post, it made me think of this book. I truly cannot imagine what that must feel like. Migraines are already so painful… I just can’t fathom something worse.

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  5. You can’t beat yourself up over it; that I should feel better made my heart hurt. You are doing all you can to make yourself feel as good as you can but grief and trauma are grief and trauma and you can not make yourself work them any faster or “better” than you already are. Have grace with yourself and know that you are doing everything you can.

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  7. I’ve had headaches so bad I wanted to take a drill to my skull to release the pressure. I’ve vomited; I’ve had to lay in complete darkness wishing to die. Are those migraines? I can’t imagine having multiple of those every month. I think I’ve only had a handful my entire life…always the day after a stressful event. Thankfully, none in decades. I hope yours go away too, Kari.

    Deb

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    1. Oh god, Deb, I know that feeling. I’m so sorry you know it too. Those are definitely migraines. It’s really interesting that you got them after the event—when I first saw my migraine doctor, he explained that it’s normal to get migraines after stressful events, not during, which surprised me because I always thought it would be the other way around. When I’ve been stressed out for a long time and my body finally relaxes… BOOM, that’s when I get the horrible ones.

      I’m so glad to hear you don’t get them anymore.

      I also wish for a day when I no longer get them, Deb. 😘❤️

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  8. I did not know that emotional pain and physical pain were in the same part of the brain. Wow. I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through so much pain, both physically and emotionally. You are smart to keep a log of symptoms because like you discovered, our perception can be faulty. I have found that in my own life.

    My husband began getting aura migraines about 5 – 10 years ago. They only seem to happen at work, so I’ve never been present during one. I know they last for hours and he has to just close his door and disengage, which is very hard for him to do. The magnesium citrate seems to help him as he’s not getting them as frequently or as pronounced as he used to.

    I will say that the pandemic through me for a loop and still upsets me if I dwell on it. It feels like I lost 3 years of my life which were supposed to include some special events that I will never get to experience. And I know that it caused my mom’s dementia to accelerate due to the lack of social contact.

    You are doing everything you can be doing. I wish we lived close to each other so I could offer you support. Just know that there are people out there who are thinking about you and care for you. XOXO

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    1. I didn’t either! Honestly, I didn’t feel great about my visit with the psychiatrist until I got home that evening and was making dinner. Then I talked to Mike about what she said, and I realized—dammit, she’s GOOD. 🤣 I’m still keeping a log because I want to track my progress over the year. It certainly doesn’t hurt to have that record.

      I’ve heard of aura migraines! Does he take any pain relievers to manage them? It’s so interesting that he only gets them at work. I’d assume stress might be a factor?

      I completely understand how you feel about the pandemic. I was thinking about my dad the other day and how much time we lost with him that year. But at the same time, I gained a lot, too. That year gave me the space to get quiet and learn so much about myself. It’s also when I found my first migraine doctor in Chicago. Still, I think about all the people who lost loved ones—it’s heartbreaking.

      I wish we could all meet in person too. I was just telling Mark how amazing it would be to have an in-person support group once a month. How fun would that be? I feel so lucky to be surrounded by all of you virtually. Please know how much I appreciate you. 😘❤️

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  9. Kari, I’ve never had a migraine but I know many people who have, and have them frequently. Some say they’re stress related, other say they’re caused by certain food allergies.

    The only pain I’ve ever experienced that was excruciating was a tooth abscess. I went through a period in my life when many of my old crowns and fillings became infected, thus cause abscesses. And YAWZA…are they SO painful.

    ” i never knew anything about how emotions, trauma, or muscles holding in feelings could be connected to it all.”

    Yes, and that’s what Reiki has taught me, and continues to teach me. In fact, I just recently went through a major release of something I was holding onto from my childhood. I think we all have damages in our lives. I know I do.

    I find that sharing a Reiki session (20 minutes) with myself, almost daily, moves things around, clears them out, and gives me a better understanding of their purpose.

    Sending you MUCH energy and love, my friend!

    (((((((((((((( XXXXX Kari XXXXX ))))))))))))))

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    1. There are so many causes. Chocolate is definitely a trigger for me, so I haven’t had it in a long time. 😔

      Toothaches are incredibly painful—I totally get that!

      YES! Reiki has helped me so much, along with yoga. When I practice yoga every morning and evening, I can hear my bones crack a little and feel my muscles stretch. It’s like my body is shouting, “OMG, I needed this!” I always end my day with an extended child’s pose for 10 minutes or more as a hip opener, which is known to release trauma. I always end up crying—and honestly, it feels so good to cry (and yes, to fart too). 🤣

      I haven’t done reiki on myself since my dad got sick. I wish I could, but I just can’t seem to find the magic in me right now. I’m hoping I’ll rediscover it soon.

      I’ll gladly take all that energy and love you’re sending my way. Love you so much! 😘❤️

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  10. I hear you on both the physical and emotional pain. I also had that one “headache” (or whatever it was) in Dec 2022 that landed me in the ER and pumped full of drugs. And that had horrible lingering side effects of feeling like I was simultaneously being stabbed and electrocuted in the head for several weeks. No dr (even a neurologist) has ever been able to figure out what the hell that was. I don’t like like to talk about it either because it’s one of my biggest fears that it will happen again. Worst physical pain I’ve ever had in my life.

    I think when I saw you last, I had told you I found what sounded like a wonderful counseling center in my area. Turns out, they’re not in our insurance network, so our insurance would only cover 70% of their costs. That would turn out to be $200 out of pocket for us every month. Not happening! So now I’m back to square one with looking for a good therapist that specializes in grief and trauma. *sigh*

    Your psychiatrist being late and then only giving you 10 min pisses me off. But I’m not surprised. I’ve never met a psychiatrist I’ve liked. (Dealt with a few of them during Phil’s teen years and then one for myself after Phil died and my PCP wanted me to talk to her about medication.)

    You are doing “all the right things” to help yourself through your grief journey. Go gentle, my dear friend. I love you.

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    1. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Pain is so scary, and when you don’t know what’s causing it, it’s even worse. After my really bad migraines, I always deal with a “hangover” the next day—foggy brain and a head that feels literally sore. It’s definitely not fun.

      I hate that mental healthcare still has such a long way to go. There just aren’t enough providers to meet the demand, and it’s only going to get worse over the next few years.

      That said, I do have to give credit to my psychiatrist—she’s really great. But this particular day was definitely frustrating.

      Thank you, my friend. I love you too. ❤️

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  12. This is a rawly beautiful post. I’ve never had a migraine…but I have had pancreatitis and can confirm it’s at least a 7 on the pain scale. I can’t imagine having to deal with such intense pain multiple times a month…but I’m glad you mentioned the caring and supportive community of bloggers. We’re here for you!

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    1. Aww, thank you, Mark! I was shocked to see pancreatitis on this list—I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t even imagine.

      And thank you for being such an important part of my support group here. Now, if only we could have monthly meetings with coffee and donuts…

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  13. I’m sorry to hear of your ongoing pain. I know you’ve mentioned it before but I didn’t realize to what extent you’ve been struggling with it. I didn’t realize you’ve been having migraines so frequently and for so long. My heart goes out to you. I don’t want to overstep boundaries, but in my decades of working in the field of mental health, my experience is that psychiatrists are most times stretched too thin and only have a limited amount of time with patients (and running late because if someone’s in crisis they have to respond.) They’re largely looking at the medical side and making sure the meds are ok (there are some exceptions where they do some psychotherapy but that’s not the norm.) I’m wondering if there might be a good psychotherapist near you who works with chronic pain and specifically migraines who may be helpful. Again, I don’t want to overstep so completely ignore if it doesn’t ring true to you. I obviously don’t know all the details but as most of my life was as a psychotherapist I’d be remiss not to mention this. Also, I want to acknowledge how hard I’ve witnessed you working on feeling better and I know how much you appreciate all the people in your life. You are not doing anything wrong. Try to throw away the “shoulds” but I get how badly you want to feel better. Rest but keep going (a paradox I know.)
    Virtual hugs to you and many hearts <3<3<3.
    (I still don't know where my emoji's are on this laptop when I'm on WordPress.)

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    1. Overstep away! Overstep! 🤣

      I love this advice, and I honestly love my psychiatrist—she’s one of the best in the area, which probably explains why she’s so busy. That said, I definitely need to find a therapist. I left my last one this summer, right after I had COVID. I wasn’t comfortable continuing therapy at that time. I can’t even fully explain why, but I felt trapped and just needed to step away.

      I’m definitely looking for a therapist who specializes in chronic pain and migraines. If you know of any specific resources or places I should look, please let me know. I live in the Chicago area, but I haven’t been able to find anything like that—though maybe I’m not looking in the right spots.

      Thank you for this comment, Donna. You mean so much to me, and I hope you know that. ALL THE EMOJIS 😘❤️💕🌈

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      1. Have you checked on psychology today.com? You can go to ‘find a therapist’ and put in your zip code and there should be really good choices. You can see what they specialize in and their modalities used. I’m pretty sure you know how important the “fit” has to be for you with a therapist but I said it anyway. Make sure you like her (or him) as much as it sounds like you like your psychiatrist. I’m happy to assist you in finding someone good in any way I can. Ask away.

        Thank you for your kind words. You mean a lot to me too. And just know that there are always a lot of sweet emojis in my heart for you when I respond. ;-)

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      2. I’ve done that, but none come up for chronic pain or migraines. I think some in Chicago do, so I may check them out. I do have a friend who sees a pain therapist. I just remembered that and I’m going to ask her for a suggestion. I honestly need someone with that specific modality, because when I tried talking to my previous therapist, she just wasn’t truly able to get me. My psychiatrist totally does, though, since day one. But like you said, she’s more focused on medication management.

        I have one more question… when looking for a therapist, does it matter what letters are behind their name? My last therapist was a licensed social worker. Does it matter what their title is?

        I imagine ALL the emojis when you comment. 💕😘

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      3. Your psychiatrist may have suggestions too.
        As far as the credentials go, I’ve worked with psychologists, psy.d’s and licensed clinical social workers and there were good ones of each. I was a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and got my masters at a very clinical school but not all are, some are more agency-oriented. Some psychologists are good in terms of clinical skills and some are more research oriented and don’t have as much clinical training. PsyD’s have their doctorate in clinical studies/practice and are fabulous in my experience although harder to find. I think you’re smart to look for someone who specializes in chronic pain/migraines and see what training and experience they have. And you are so intuitive, trust it here in terms of who might be a good fit for you (rather than focusing on the letters behind their names.) Keep me updated and please ask any more questions you may have. I sure hope I have’t made it more confusing. :-) Hugs.

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      5. Kari, 4 migraines a month is a lot to cope with, regardless how it’s regarded medically speaking. No wonder you are emotionally exhausted, even without everything else you’ve gone through.

        Donna’s advice is so good, and I’d urge you to prioritise finding a new therapist who will get the nature of not just your emotional load, but the physical and medical aspect of it too. Neither can be considered holistically without the other.

        I recognise that tiredness and the wondering where that other version of me went. Getting older is certainly no picnic. Take good care of you my friend, much love <3 <3 <3

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  14. I honestly cannot remember if we’ve talked about this before (if so, I’m sorry!) but have you read The Body Keeps The Score? It’s an absolutely fascinating study of how emotional/ mental trauma presents as physical pain. The mind-body connection is so very strong. This book details how even years after a trauma has been “dealt with” or “healed from,” physical pain can manifest. It’s incredible what our bodies can do. The trauma response is really a way our bodies protect ourselves. The trouble comes in when the trauma is passed, our bodies are still going into protective mode – hence the pain. For someone who is grieving, they are going through physical pain. Emotional pain becomes physical. To me, knowing that is helpful – the pain is telling me something. The pain is telling you that someone very important and someone very loved is no longer here. Perhaps knowing that will help to lessen the pain. You’ll always miss your dad. You will always have that sadness and grief. But hopefully with time it will start to lighten and the glorious memories you have with him will start to smooth over those rough patches of pain. I hope this helps you, and I wish you to know that I am sending so much love your way. I hope you can feel it. xo

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    1. I’ve read it, and yes, the mind-body connection is so fascinating. I’ve gone through a lot of books on the subject, but I haven’t found one that really offers relief. I understand there’s no magic cure, but I’d love more ideas on releasing that stored trauma. I know somatic exercises, yoga, journaling, and similar practices help.

      What I do know is that I’m making good choices for myself every day, and that’s all I can do.

      Thank you for the love—I can truly feel it. 😘❤️

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    1. It really does, doesn’t it? For the most part, I manage these migraines with pain relievers, and if I catch them early enough, I can function pretty normally. I usually only have one really bad one a month—those are definitely not fun.

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  16. I did not know that physical pain and emotional pain are on the same part of the brain either. Really interesting. Your migraines sound awful. I’m sorry this happens to you. I think it sounds like you are taking all the steps to care for yourself. That saying about grief – wow. The scream scenario seems to have nailed it.

    You at the coffee maker. That breaks my heart. I’m so sorry, Kari. It sounds really difficult. I truly wish I could do something to help. XO

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    1. I’m learning something new every day—there’s a reason doctors earn the big bucks. 😊

      I’m grateful I’ve put things in place that help me manage my life without looking too far ahead or dwelling too much on the past. Living mindfully has made a big difference for me, and I truly believe it’s the key to a good life.

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  17. I can identify with so much of what you have written. And so beautifully written too.

    I don’t have experience putting things into words though, so I’ll just say thank you.

    Thank you for expressing what it is like to be clobbered daily with physical and emotional pain.

    To watch entire versions of yourself vanish.

    To fight back with every resource.

    But to still have days when it is honestly just utter crap.

    As I write this my cat is doing her version of “Biscuit’s paw on Kari” with me. My cue to put down the phone & pick up the cat shaped unconditional love.

    Sending that unconditional love to you as well 💚

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    1. Oh, Maddie, clobbered daily—what a perfect way to describe it. You’ve captured the weight of physical and emotional pain so beautifully, and you’ve made me feel truly seen. Thank you for that.

      I love that your cat did that for you! I share so much about my dogs here because they’ve been such an essential part of my healing. They’ve cared for me in ways no one else could.

      I’m sending that same unconditional love right back to you. Thank you for your words today. 😘❤️

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  19. My heart hurts for this pain that you are enduring. You’ve done so much work, but the pain and the fear of pain is very strong.

    I’ve only experienced a few migraines in my life and they were SO many years ago, yet I still remember the feeling of “when will this end.”

    Sending you lots of love.

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  20. I’m sorry you feel so cruddy. Actually, this is something that I can say I understand. I think I told you I have chronic back pain since I was about 15 years old. Doesn’t pain absolutely suck? It would take way too long to tell you about all the docs I’ve been to, surgeries, pain meds, etc. and who cares anyway…and the emotional part is just as bad. At 56 years old I am on disability. It’s freaking crazy and messes with my head a lot. I’m not trying to compare stories but saying I think I understand how you feel. Some days are hard. Some days are harder. But I’m glad you wrote about it knowing I have someone who gets it. We need to take care of ourselves because we’re worth it. ..now go watch some mindless tv or something that makes you happy, my friend!

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    1. You mentioned it briefly before, but I didn’t realize you’ve had it since you were a teenager. My mom has had it since she was a teen too, so I really understand how much that can affect your life. Pain is just the hardest thing to live with, no matter where it’s in the body, and I truly feel for everything you’ve been through and continue to face.

      And yes to taking care of ourselves! I was just telling my youngest daughter yesterday about the importance of living one day at a time, especially when you’re going through something so tough. I definitely need to remind myself to do that more often, too.

      Sending you so much love. 💕

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  21. 😔💜oh my gosh – this hits hard – I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this (but I TOTALLY understand) – I think it really is true that pain is pain, whether it’s caused by a migraine-vice or a broken-heart – it hurts to hurt… I grieve for my old life too, the old me, but I’m trying to embrace this new, albeit slower / weaker version of myself – we’ve made it through some tough years and we’re still going – that means we are strong – super human almost if we can essentially withstand the equivalent of repeated stab wounds, day after day… good luck lovely, I’ll be sending you lots of love, Linda xx

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    1. I know you totally understand, and it’s so hard to know that we share this experience.

      I love how you described embracing the slower, weaker version of yourself and recognizing the superhuman strength we’ve gained through pain. With all the soul reflection I’ve done, I don’t think I’ve ever looked at the positives migraines have brought me, either. Thank you for giving me a new perspective to think about. I’m so grateful for you.

      Sending you so much love right back. 💕😘

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  22. I’m sorry to read about your pain— and your doc being so late to your appointment. I know that there is a connection between my gut health and my headaches. Not like yours, but a connection within me that is difficult to balance. I feel like this week has brought nothing good with it and those of us who are highly sensitive and centered in generosity are taking a huge emotional hit. Take care of yourself, know people care about you.

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    1. You’re absolutely right about gut health and migraines.

      You nailed it about this week. I’ve noticed an increase in pain (manageable but still there), and I know it’s because of all the media I’ve been consuming—none of it good. I really need to take better care of myself and cut back on how much I’m looking at it. Take care of yourself too. 😘

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  23. Hi Kari,

    so sorry to hear you are experiencing both physical and emotional pain. I do not have big experience with migraines but this one time, recently, was so intense that it is stuck in my memory.

    I remember I had a hard day, I was in luteal phase, so extra annoyed (I am 43 and still get regular periods), and I saw these weird transparent squiggly lines in my peripheral vision. I thought huh, weird… The next morning, omg, the bottom of my skull hurt so bad, and Tylenol would not do anything. I think it was all hormonal and stress-related but gosh, I was shaken how bad it hurt.

    I don’t know why I am sharing this. Hugging you from New Jersey.

    Oh, and the “morning soul homework” playlist is amazing on Spotify- Thank you!!

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    1. I’m sorry you even had to go through that experience. Hormones are the devil, aren’t they? I definitely don’t miss my period now that I’m in menopause—one thing I’m truly grateful for in my advanced age. 😊

      I’m so glad you shared this with me, Daria! Sending you a big hug from Illinois! 💕😘

      And I love that you’re enjoying the playlist—that makes me so happy!

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