Books, Family, Friends, Grief, Life

making peace with grief

Kari

my dear friend melanie has been an incredible source of love and support for both my mom and me as we’ve navigated the loss of my dad. a while ago, she said something that stayed with me—that we will always grieve him. and she’s right. grief doesn’t have an expiration date.

losing my dad has changed me in many ways, but the biggest shift has been in how i see grief—both my own and others’. it has made me more aware of how we, especially in america, handle grief as a society. too often, it’s treated as something to “get over,” something shameful if it lingers beyond a socially acceptable timeline.

i want to help change that. that’s why i share so much of my journey here. because grief isn’t just something a few of us experience—it’s inevitable. we will all lose someone we love. we will all face our own mortality.

i want to be the kind of support system that wasn’t always there for us. everyone should feel held through loss—if they want that support. no one should have to grieve alone.

i’d like to share some of the things that have helped me through the past year as i’ve grieved my dad’s death. i hope that some of these may bring comfort to you, too. i’ll be bookmarking them for myself and my loved ones to return to whenever we need them.

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grief books that really helped me

like many others working through grief, i found myself turning to books for guidance. lauren, who is also navigating loss, joked on her blog about studying grief like she’s preparing for the sorrow MCAT. it made me feel so much less alone.

here are the books that helped me.

the wild edge of sorrow: rituals of renewal and the sacred work of grief by frances weller

your grief, your way: a year of practical guidance and comfort after loss by shelby forsythia

as long as you need: permission to grieve by j.s. park

the grief cure: looking for the end of loss by cody delistraty

i love when one grief author mentions another one. i think i am officially ready for the sorrow MCAT, lauren.

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bearing the unbearable: love, loss, and the heartbreaking path of grief by joanne cacciatore

understanding your grief: ten essential touchstones for finding hope and healing your heart by alan d. wolfelt (the book was okay, but the companion journal is wonderful. you don’t need to have read the book to do the work in the journal)

the aftergrief: finding your way along the long arc of loss by hope edelman

being with dying: cultivating compassion and fearlessness in the presence of death by joan halifax (this book was incredibly helpful to me while my dad was dying. it also provided guidance during the hospice process and supported me in helping my dad transition)

this book as well:

the five invitations: discovering what death can teach us about living fully by frank ostaseski

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grief biographies:

grief is love: living with loss by marisa renee lee

the bright hour: a memoir of living and dying by nina riggs

when breath becomes air by paul kalanithi

the unwinding of the miracle: a memoir of life, death, and everything that comes after by julie yip-williams

links about death/grief that i found interesting

Threshold Choir

Crossings – Caring For Our Own at Death

How Death Cafes Celebrate Life

I’m a death expert. I designed eight questions to help you think about dying |

How We Can Connect With Loved Ones After They Die | TIME

In the Fields of Grief | A Hundred Falling Veils

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small gestures—like sending the right card—can make a difference when someone is grieving.

i mentioned a while back that there aren’t any good sympathy cards. well, i went on etsy to get a birthday card and decided to search for sympathy cards, and i was so happy to find some wonderful ones there. you’ll pay a little more, and there’s a wait for shipping, but we all know that we’ll need sympathy cards at some point—so maybe it’s worth planning ahead.

here are some of my favorite shops to get them from:

blurose designs

lucky notes

the soul shine co

louise lauret

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documentaries on grief/dying/afterlife

National Organizations – Evermore

the above link has every possible resource for any support organization you could think of if you are grieving or know someone who is. it’s a resource i stumbled upon just last week, and i wish i’d had it last year. but i’m so glad to share it with all of you now.

i’m always open to other grief resources if you’d like to share. 💜🌈

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i miss my dad so much, and sometimes the pain feels overwhelming. but through grieving him in a healthy way—and with the support i’ve received from the people in my life and this community—i’ve learned to navigate the ups and downs. sharing my experiences, reading about others’ journeys, and writing about my own has helped me find peace.

grief isn’t something i fear anymore. it’s become a part of who i am, a part of my life. it’s not morbid; it’s just a part of being human—a reminder of how deeply we love and how much we can hurt.

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58 thoughts on “making peace with grief”

  1. You’re right: grief is something that touches everyone eventually. I admire your strength and appreciate you sharing your journey with us. There should never be a timeline on grief as each of us processes things differently! Sending you wishes for continued strength, my friend.

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    1. I appreciate your kind words. Grief really is something we all go through in our own way and time. It’s been a long journey for me, and it helps knowing I’m not alone in it. Thank you for the strength you’re sending—it truly means a lot.

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  2. I used to work plant retail. People would come in with pieces of their dying plants – leaves, pictures, sometimes the actual plant. They would hand the pieces to me and ask – “what do I buy to stop this?”

    Sometimes there was an answer. Your tomato plant needs calcium. You have a molybdenum deficiency. Apply this and all will be well.

    But usually the answer was not so easy.

    The tree is shedding old needles and, yes, it will look not perfect while that happens. No, there’s nothing you can do. This is natural. Be patient. Nature is not TV perfection.

    Or, I’m sorry to tell you an oak tree in a stressful environment has a lifespan much shorter than you think.
    That 60′ tree that shelters your house & that you thought was permanent will slowly die.

    The life you pictured will not be the same. The ending is going to be drawn out and costly in all the ways.

    A plant is not a person, but still people were understandably shooketh.

    Yes. Our society does not make space for endings. People are poorly equiped to handle the loss of their future selves or loved ones.

    I look forward to looking through your links. You are a thoughtful guide Kari.

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      1. I feel same – so glad to live in a world where there are Karis 😊

        Btw thanks for the somatic exercise suggestion a few posts back. Uber helpful 🩷

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  3. Everyone grieves differently and should be given the space and support they need. I lost my dad suddenly when I was 15. My mother was in shock and couldn’t handle it, so I had to step up and take care of her without time to process my loss. Not healthy for a kid, but there it is. I lost my mom more slowly a decade ago, but had my husband and a great friend who held my hand the whole way. I felt more at peace with losing her and can talk about my mother easily now. If you bring up my father, even to this day… 45 years later… I can’t speak of him without breaking down.
    Grief never disappears, we simply have to learn to live with it.
    💕

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    1. I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through. Losing a parent at such a young age is so hard, and I can’t imagine what it was like having to step up and take care of your mom without even having the chance to process your own grief. That’s so much for a teenager to carry.

      It’s comforting to hear that you had your husband and a great friend with you when you lost your mom. That support seems like it helped bring some peace to that experience.

      It never goes away. Thank you for sharing this with me, friend. Sending you so much love. 😘💜

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  4. These are good resources for people to have. I found that even though I thought I was prepared and knowledgeable about grief, my mother’s death challenged all that. I’ve found that grief is like a new piece of yourself that you’ve uncovered and now live with.

    One thing that I really appreciated after the death of my mom was the flowers a friend sent. I’m not a huge cut flower person, but every time I saw them for the nearly two weeks they lasted, my heart felt a bit of ease. It was a reminder that I wasn’t alone.

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    1. Thank you for sharing this with me. It’s so true—no matter how prepared we think we are, grief has a way of challenging everything we thought we understood about it. It really does feel like discovering a new piece of yourself that you have to learn to live with.

      I remember people sending me little things after dad died. One friend sent me Hershey Kisses, and it made me cry for 20 minutes- a good cry. 💜

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  5. This is such a powerful post. Grief is never ending and it is something we all experience and something we all express in a variety of ways. I always think of grief like a winding road on a one way journey; sometimes the loss is a gradual bend in the road and other times it is a very abrupt turn. We can sometimes look back and see the person we used to be but we’ll never get back to that point.

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    1. I love the way you described grief—it’s so true. It really is like a winding road, with unexpected turns that take us places we never anticipated. And you’re right—we can look back and see the person we once were, but we’re forever changed. It’s comforting to know we’re not alone in this, even though the road is different for each of us. 💜

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  6. Thank you for sharing all of this. The 15th was my mom’s birthday. Two years ago on that date my aunt and I spread her ashes. I was grieving mom when my aunt called. We talked about good memories of my mom and her big sister.

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  7. There truly is no expiration date for grief. Thank you for sharing so many resources. I’m certain they will be helpful to so many people. One thing I’ve often thought about is how no one talks about the grief of losing grandparents. It’s often our first close up experience with death, sometimes while still quite young. My parents always shielded me from death, until my maternal grandmother passed when I was 14. Then I was thrown into it and honestly, the experience was so shocking to me that I’ve always struggled with funerals, calling hours, etc. ever since. All my grandparents have been gone since the late 70’s-‘80’s, but I still cry when I think about them.

    I hope you continue to find peace in all the little things that remind you of your father and in the community of others. XO

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    1. I can totally relate to losing grandparents. My first experience with grief was losing my grandmother, and I was really close to her—she was like a second mom to me. At the time, I was pregnant with Ella, and I couldn’t be there for my mom the way I wanted to because they lived far away. I’m sorry you had that experience with your grandparents. My daughters were really close to my dad, and losing him has been incredibly tough. My youngest still struggles with it from time to time.

      One of the documentaries I shared below, Speaking Grief, is available in full, and I found it really helpful. I learned so much from it, especially about how children grieve differently than adults.

      I find so much peace in the little things that keep my dad alive in my mind. He’s with me always. 💜🌈

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  8. Thank you for sharing this, Kari. It’s true that grief becomes a part of us and doesn’t have an expiration date. The links to the cards are very helpful. It can be so difficult to find the right words. And our culture does add to the difficulty by making the topics of death and grieving more taboo than they should be. I like how you are open about it, you post inspiring quotes and links, and make talking about it feel positive. Sending you hugs! ❤️

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, Michelle. You’re absolutely right—grief doesn’t have a timeline, and it’s something that stays with us, just woven into who we are. It can be so hard to find the right words, especially when our culture tends to avoid talking about death and grief altogether. I’m glad the resources are helpful, and it really means a lot to hear that my openness is making a difference.

      Sending you big hugs right back! ❤️

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  9. When I was younger, I struggled with knowing the right thing to do or say which meant I avoided the person who was grieving. I am ashamed of myself for that, but now realise how ignorant I was, having no-one to model myself on, as I’d not seen anyone behave in a supportive manner till I was a lot older. When I got breast cancer, I learned a huge amount from the tremendous women I met on a support forum.

    The links, the quotes, the wisdom, and the books you share are amazing. You’ve put together an extraordinary resource for others to follow. I hope you can find a way to take some pride for that in amongst your grief <3 <3 <3

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing that. I think a lot of people can relate to feeling unsure of what to say or do, especially when they’ve never seen others model that kind of support. It’s amazing that your experience with breast cancer opened up a whole new world of support and understanding for you. I really admire your strength and the way you’ve turned that experience into something positive for yourself and others.

      Your kind words mean so much to me. I’m really touched that the resources I’ve shared have resonated with you. And you’re right—I do need to find a little pride in it, even if it’s hard to balance with the grief. Thank you for reminding me of that. ❤️

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  10. Thank you for this list of resources that have helped you cope with your grief. I know that in my experiences nothing takes away the sadness entirely, but a change of perspective can help alleviate the pain of coping.

    I do hope that this comment finds you centered in knowing that people care about you and that you’re doing exactly what you need to do. Take care of yourself.

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    1. Thank you so much, Ally. You’re so right—nothing takes the sadness away entirely, but shifting perspectives can make it a little easier to carry.

      Your comment is a comforting reminder that I’m not alone in this. I appreciate you so much. Take care of yourself, too. 💜

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  11. Thx for all the links!! I might refer someone to this post.

    I’ve found that most Americans have a hard time talking about death, or even hearing someone else talk about it. I faced a lot of loss in my 20s/30s and am now the only person I know who can discuss the grief openly/directly. I’m careful about offering my support but let people know I’m available for the details that others can’t handle… such as the relief after losing someone who was suffering and/or required a lot of care; survivor’s guilt; the awkwardness of some people’s “comfort” phrases…

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    1. I completely agree—so many people struggle to talk about death and grief. It’s isolating when you’re one of the few who can have those open conversations. I really admire how you offer support in a way that makes space for the complexities of grief, including the relief, guilt, and awkwardness that often come with it. Those are the kinds of conversations so many people need but rarely get. 💜

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  13. I love those and there were so few I have read yet. I will say I find Shelby Forsythia is someone who’s content doesn’t resonate with me. I have bought her book twice and donated it both times, unfinished… it just isn’t for me.

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  14. “grief doesn’t have an expiration date.”

    Kari, that is exactly my feelings and experience with grief. It comes in stages as it unfolds. It took me until I was 68 (last year) to get to the point where I walked through a major, and I mean MAJOR door in grieving the death of my biological mother. I had no closure when she died because we were not told that she was dying. So when she died, it was like she just vanished into thin air. I started my grieving process when I was in my early 30s. And I’m sure I’ll grieve some more. But I will say, I feel the presence of my mother with me as I move through the stages of grief. And that gives me much comfort and peace.

    Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your own process because we learn from one another.

    Sending you MUCH love and reiki, my friend!

    (((((((((((((( XXXX YOU XXXX )))))))))))))

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    1. It is so good to hear this perspective, Ron. I think a lot of people assume grief fades within the first year or two after a loss, but this is such a good example of how that isn’t the case. Having no closure is a huge block in the healing process.

      My mom and I have talked about how, in this first year, we still feel numb. I know my mom does for sure because they were told my dad had a year and a half to live, yet his death came very suddenly—even though we knew it was terminal.

      Thank you for sharing this with me, and you are so right—we learn from one another. 😘💜

      Sending you much love and Reiki right back, my dear friend.

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  15. Thank you for saying I’ve been an incredible source of love and support for you and your mom. I am humbled by that.

    This entire post was beautifully thought out and written. I know your words and multiple resources will help many. Thank you.

    One more book I’d like to recommend is A Time to Grieve by Carol Staudacher. It was the only book that helped validate my feelings after my son died.

    Love you so much…xoxo

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  16. Thank you for sharing all these resources, Kari.

    It sounds to me like you were always very close to your dad. I know you miss him so much. I don’t think anyone “gets over” a loss like that, but I do think at some point the grief becomes just a part of a person, and although that loss is there it becomes easier to bear.

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    1. That’s such a thoughtful way to put it. I was very close to my dad, and I do miss him so much. I agree—grief doesn’t go away, but it does become a part of you in a way that feels more manageable over time. 💜

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  17. Yes, everyone is impacted by grief eventually. So true. It can be so challenging. I’m glad you’ve found so many supports. I’m impressed with all of the resources you’ve uncovered. This post will serve as a great help to those struggling with grief. I can only imagine how much you miss your dad. You had such a strong connection. Thanks for sharing your journey here.

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  18. Thank you for sharing Lauren’s blog – I am looking forward to reading it.

    When I was grieving my miscarriages I read a quote somewhere, don’t remember where, is that grief is like standing with your back toward the ocean. Sometimes the waves swallow you, and sometimes you just hear the sound of the waves. But that sound is always there.

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    1. I love her blog, and I think you will too.

      Oh, Daria, I’m so sorry about your miscarriages. I’m sending you so much love. That grief isn’t talked about enough.

      I love this ocean analogy—it’s one of my favorites I’ve heard so far. 💜

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  19. I was just looking at old photos, and saw daffodils I shot in England the month after my mum died, several years ago. I always disliked daffodils, because of an association with a cancer treatment fundraising organization and a dear one’s cancer scare that scared the hell of out me. Now I embrace those photos, thinking back to when my world was freshly turned upside-down by Mum’s death.

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    1. Oh, friend, I’m so sorry about those memories. I can truly relate to feeling scared by feelings. We’ve had cancer affect loved ones three times in the last three years, and I hate it.

      I have to tell you, though—seeing you mention daffodils here makes me smile. My former mother-in-law (Anna’s grandma) gave me daffodils from her garden after Anna was born in 2000. When she died in 2023, Anna and I started associating daffodils with her. The day after my dad died, the daffodils I had planted in our garden the previous year in her honor started blooming. And now, I will think of your mom when I see daffodils this spring. 💜

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      4. This is so timely. I’ve had constant neck pain for the past month and have been to urgent care, my annual checkup, and a PT evaluation (PT is scheduled to start in April). Everything checks out fine, but the pain hasn’t gone away. Mid-visit, I asked my practitioner, “Could this be related to grief?” and she said, “Definitely.” Thank you for sharing this with me. 💜

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  20. I love that you share so much of what you are feeling. I also love that you have such a wonderful, supportive friend and family.

    We never get over a loss like this, it just becomes less harsh on our hearts over time. Well, at least that is what it feels like to me. At first it’s just such a deep, hard shock. Then later, you still miss that person, your heart aches for them, but the pain just feels softer somehow.

    I’m going to check Etsy for some cards; I never thought to look there.

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    1. Your experience of grief is similar to mine. Maybe it’s like that for everyone. It was so painful at first, but now it’s more of an ache, and I feel like it will always be there.

      Etsy has some really great cards for any occasion. I love the really raunchy ones. 🤣

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  23. Melanie sounds like such a beautiful soul, and I’m so grateful you had her support during such a tender, life-altering time. What you shared deeply resonates—grief really doesn’t have an expiration date. It reshapes us, and it deserves space, compassion, and ongoing support.

    Thank you for sharing your journey so vulnerably. You’re absolutely right—grief is universal, yet our culture often encourages us to silence it or “move on.” That’s why spaces like this, and conversations like the one you’re starting, are so important.

    If anyone reading this is looking for additional support or tools to help process grief or other life transitions, I highly recommend checking out SkillsToChange.com. It’s a compassionate resource designed to support personal growth, emotional resilience, and healing—with programs and insights that truly honor each person’s unique path. You don’t have to walk through this alone.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. Melanie truly is a beautiful soul, and I’m so grateful for her support during this time. You’ve said it perfectly—grief doesn’t have a timeline, and it really does need space and ongoing care.

      I love that you highlighted how important it is to have safe spaces and honest conversations about grief. It’s so true that society often pushes us to just “move on,” but healing isn’t that simple.

      And thank you for sharing that resource—SkillsToChange.com sounds like a wonderful place for anyone looking for extra support. It means a lot to know we’re not alone on this journey.

      💜

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