Family, Favorite Things, Grief, Life, Pets

birthday week

Kari

my birthday falls on a sunday, the 28th. last week, i asked anna when i should consider my birthday week, sunday to sunday? or does it start on my birthday and last until may 5th?

when my dad decided to go home and do hospice, he and i had some time alone to talk. one of the first things he said was, “i won’t get to see you turn 54.”

i miss him so much that it physically hurts.

i’m second from the left

remember when i chose perspective as my word for the year? i’ve seen that word a lot in the last four months. i’m trying to get a bigger picture of what we’ve been through.

perspective.

i developed a much deeper relationship with my dad before he died.

i’ve seen my mom find strength when she didn’t think she had any.

i grew closer to my brother.

i have a lot to be grateful for, even though it doesn’t always feel like it, and that gives me hope.

i really miss my dad and i cry more every day. i thought it was supposed to be the other way around. grief is weird.

things i’m doing lately that are helping

-yoga twice a day morning and night

do any of you know anything about somatic yoga? i want to learn more.

-i love this youtube channel. she has the most soothing voice. she has helped me fall asleep for the the past two months. this is my favorite of her videos:

-soul homework. although, i haven’t had time to do a library haul lately so i haven’t had many good books. i’m hoping to be able to do this during birthday week.

-spending time with my mom. we are currently healing together. what we went through was quite traumatic at times. it’s nice to have someone to talk to about it.

i wish my dad was here to help me put the crayons back in the box

things i am doing that aren’t helping

-pushing myself to do things because i don’t want to disappoint others

-worrying about what others will think of me

-making myself feel bad about how i look; i gained weight due to 2024 being 2024. i’ve been doing a lot of self-loathing.

my friend steve said in the comments to “be gentle on yourselves” which is exactly what i am not doing.

i want to learn how to be gentle with myself. (have i ever been?) what does that look like?

biscuits is in serious need of a haircut.

-by the way, i can’t believe i’ve never mentioned it here before (or maybe i did and forgot), but my birthday is also buddy and biscuits’ birthday! they will turn eight and three years old, respectively. ❤️

speaking of animals, the evening my dad passed away, this cat showed up curled up on our front porch. the same cat was curled up on our porch again exactly one week later.

let’s discuss that in the comments…

@sunfirepoppy

♬ original sound – Sunfire Poppy ☀️🔥🏵
my warm bread and butter has been all of you.

i think i will now begin to celebrate birthday week. but “celebrate” may look different this year.

tell me what you have planned for this week.

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61 thoughts on “birthday week”

  1. Grief is a journey of waves, they crest and ebb on their own time table. The harder the tears, the more proof there was love. It’s never easy but it’s necessary to feel it all… and yes, by all means be gentle with yourself. This isn’t the time to care what others think. Give yourself the time you need to find peace.
    As for the cat, how fascinating. Is it a neighbor’s pet? Did your dad know it?

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Aw, you truly do need to be kind to yourself– you’ve been though a lot and grief just sucks so much that to add anger and disgust at yourself is just too much. You are doing the best you can and from what I’ve read on here you sound like you are doing a remarkable job. I want to wish you a very happy birthday even knowing it might not be a year where a happy birthday is possible. Just know we’re all thinking of you and supporting you.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Lovely, fun photos. When I lost my mom last year, my daughter told me grief comes in waves and waves arrive in sets. It’s calm until the next set of waves come in. My daughter lost a dear friend to suicide a couple years ago. It helped me to to visualize waves of grief during the first year.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It does come in waves. My grief still does, but not as bad as before. My daughter’s friend was a swimmer she had known since high school. They were on the same swim team in college. He was everyone’s favorite, including the moms — smart, good looking, best athlete, kind. He thought it was a weakness to get help. Nobody knew he was struggling. His mom and I became friends and I don’t know how she’s making it.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Sending love as you navigate the ups and downs. As for the cat, I believe our loved ones send signs from the other side. When my grandmother died, we started finding hearing aids in various plants at home and the nursery (she was hard of hearing)… I think 17 across 3 years. That is to say, I would take the cat at the porch as a sign that your father is still present and looking out for you. ♥️♥️♥️

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Kari, I always say that when celebrating a birthday, it should be celebrated the WHOLE month. To me, it should not only be yor birthDAY, but birthMONTH. Ha!

    OMG I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that photograph from your childhood. It’s PRICELESS! You all look like a chorus line of the Rockettes!

    As hard as it is, isn’t it surprising how much positiveness can come from the loss of a loved one? That happened to me when I lost both my parents. And even now, I am still evolving from their passing. Like you said, it’s all about “perspective.” For me, I don’t think grief ever ends. But it does change its shape.

    I have two ASMR channels I watch to help with sleep. I’ve been watching them for the past 5 years. I find ASMR very effective.

    I want to wish you a PRE-Birthday, Kari! Have a great week! Oh, and Happy Birthday to Buddy and Biscuits too!

    X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel the exact same way about birthday months!

      Isn’t that a great picture? It feels timeless. ❤️

      I can get behind the idea of grief never ending and just changing. I think a lot of people think grief has to go away and that is why we get so stuck.

      Ella got me hooked on ASMR during lockdown! She is always cutting edge for everything. 🖤

      Thank you so much, my friend. I will give the dogs a hug from you, too!

      Like

  8. Birthday week is going to be so different for you this year. When I read what your dad said about him not being here to see you turn 54, oof. That one really got to me.
    Grief has no rhyme or reason as to how you react, what stages you go through, and how long it takes. There are no “rights or wrongs” with grief. It is definitely a journey and it’s YOUR journey. It might look totally different from someone else’s, and that’s OK.
    That photo of you and all the other little girls with birthday hats (love)…was that YOUR birthday? Is that your mom and grandma looking out the front door?
    I am not familiar with somatic yoga, but I want to be. I think I’ll look up some youtube videos.
    The cat curled up on your porch…notice how it’s facing away from your house, towards the street, as if on guard for “strangers”. It’s also in the super comfortable cat position: the bread loaf (paws tucked under its front body). I see all this as a sign of protection. This cat is protecting your house and your family.
    I love you, sweet friend. Happy birthday to you and your fur babies. xoxo

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I know. He and I had a very long, cleansing cry about it.

      I have so many amazing loved ones (including you) who have navigated grief and are so supportive. I remember grieving my friend in 2022 and being suprised by how much there was to feel.

      That was my birthday! I think my sixth or seventh birthday party? That is definitely my grandma in the window; I am not sure who the other person is. Please let me know if you find out anything about somatic yoga. I think it could be amazing.

      I love your interpretation of the cat! I feel like we are being protected.

      I love you too, friend. I am so grateful for you. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  9. kari, the best thing about birthdays is that YOU get to pick when/how you want to celebrate! happy, happy birthday week to you and the dogs <3 .

    i adore your green door (green is my favorite color), and i'm guessing you have somewhat of a northeast/east facing front porch which provides shelter from the wind. or perhaps, like me, the cat's favorite color is green! this is not to discount all the kind vibes coming from inside the house and flowing out onto the porch! animals know.

    as to my personal plans, i'm hoping for some sunshine so i can go outside for a walk. walking, meditating, and reading all help me with perspective! thank you for sharing your calming reiki video. i'm gonna give it a listen!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YES! I like that! I might even celebrate my birthday again later in the year, after I’ve had more time to heal. Thank you for your birthday wishes, friend. I am spoiling the doggies this week a little more than usual. ❤️

      Green is also my favorite color! Yes, it is east-facing! Woah, you are very intuitive. But I feel like I knew this about you. Side note: we get all sorts of animals and birds here. I love how they feel safe here. That makes me so very happy.

      That sounds like an absolutely lovely week. I’m hoping to do all of those things this week as well. I hope you enjoy her videos just as much as I do.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh my friend, I can hear how much you are hurting, and how you are grieving. I think that grief is always a part of us, but it changes over time. I hope you can be gentle and tender with yourself during this difficult time.

    To answer your questions – I like to think of the birthday week as a few days before and a few days after my actual birthday. It depends on the year!

    I have a friend who teaches somatic yoga but I don’t know if she has any online offerings. I will reach out to my yoga community to see if anyone has more for you. I’m happy you’re doing yoga and taking steps to care for yourself, and I hope you can show yourself some love in this time of sadness and loss. Love you. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like how you said it will always be a part of us, but changes over time. Yes.

      I like how you say that your birthday week varies each year! I also LOVE how you celebrate birthday weeks (and months). 😘❤️

      Thank you for looking into this for me. I found someone who shared somatic yoga on YouTube, but I didn’t really enjoy it because she had ads enabled and I had to turn it off every five minutes.

      Love you too, my sweet friend. 😘❤️

      Like

  12. I celebrate my birthday fortnight – the week before and the week after my birthday. That way, if my birthday falls on a Tuesday (ugh – the worst), I have flexibility on either weekend.

    Grief is not linear. Do give yourself grace (pun sort of intended?) to feel all the things you need to feel.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Kari,

    I don’t think I can say anything wiser or more helpful than anything that’s already been said. Please be as nice to yourself as I know you would be to anyone who has gone through what you’ve been through. I know you would never judge someone for how they look or what they did to find comfort in such a hard, hard time. A hard time that is continuing, just in a different way. 

    I love that photo of you and your birthday party girls. Breaks my heart open. Especially the two women in the doorway in the background. I remember being one of those girls, and now I’m one of those women. Both are good. 

    Sending you so much love. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Happy birthday, my friend. I suppose you don’t feel like doing much celebrating, but know that your Dad is with you. I still cry often about my father, and he’s been gone 5 years. While cleaning out my mom’s condo, I found SO many childhood photos of him that I’d never seen before. I cry when I look at them, because it’s like a person I never knew and I would have loved to look at those photos with him and ask questions. I’m glad you got to know your Dad on a deeper level the past few months.

    I adore the picture of you and him with the crayons, even though I can’t see your faces. Just seeing you both with glasses is so, so sweet and the fact that you’re on your bed. I did everything on my bed when I was a kid!

    I saw that same TikTok a few days ago and found it so damn relatable! I’m glad we both saw it and appreciated it!

    I am not a cat fan, but how bizarre that it showed up when it did. Is there any connection with your father that you can think of?

    sending birthday hugs. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I figured it wouldn’t get easier. I’m glad I’m not alone in this. Sending you a big hug.

      I love that picture, too. I think I got in trouble before that picture was taken. My dad was always the peacemaker. He was helping me work through some difficult emotions.

      I’m glad we both saw it, too! I’m sad that I’ve never had Panera’s warm bread. I want to visit her Panera…

      No connection to my dad whatsoever! AND he didn’t like cats either. 🤣

      I will take that birthday hug. 😘

      Like

  15. Dear Kari, losing your dad so close to your birthday must make celebrating really difficult. It will definitely be a different kind of birthday, but commemorating the day (and week!) you were born honors your dad in a beautiful way. How lovely that your dogs share the same birthday! I’m sending you lots of good birthday wishes and hugs! ❤️

    Oh, as for the kitty – I love kitties, and I’m sure it showed up to see if you had any good treats to share. I have 3 kitties, and their main concern in life is treats. 😂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so right about commemorating the day and week of my birth in honor of my dad! I love the idea of that so much. I’ve always loved this time of year. I think about how my parents must have felt. So excited to have their first child, especially in the spring!

      We have several neighborhood kitties! This is a new one that I have never seen before. There is black and white cat who has been walking around for years. The day after my dad decided to enter hospice, a gray Maine coon cat visited our backyard. THEN this one showed up! I love how all of the cats are making their way to us! Should we leave some food out for them?

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  16. A gentle birthday to you, Kari, and to Biscuits and Buddy.

    My dear friend started using “gentle” vs. “happy” after a death in her family tore her world apart, and this was her way of telling unaware people what she needed… the term fits in many circumstances, as not all occasions need to be surrounded by the pressure to be happy… that’s a societal construct. (As in “you should smile more.” Screw that.) Please do not feel you *have* to celebrate your birthday in a traditional or socially accepted way. Thinking out loud: maybe you’ll sit on a park bench with two coffees, one for your dad and one for you, and sit and “talk” with him about some of your memories of birthdays as you watch a sunset.

    You are correct, Kari… grief IS weird. It’s a journey. And I think everyone’s is different. I did a fair bit of studying on grief seven years ago (mum died pretty suddenly, very brief illness) and the one book that really helped me a lot was Francis Weller’s ‘The Wild Edge of Sorrow.’ A mentor made a whole retreat centred on the book, and for a time we had a grief group meeting on Zoom as an offshoot. My sweety and I always have an extra copy of the book to send to a friend in grief. I can’t stuff it through the internet cable, alas…

    One of the lessons I took from the book was the connection between grief and gratitude; it might sound weird, but my experience of gratitude expanded immensely after that terrible grief. I now cry almost every day about something or other, big or small, and more often it’s things I am just so deeply grateful for, like a beautiful song or a clear blue sky and an open road in front of me, or the love I feel from my sweety or just about any other miracle of life. It’s awe.

    And one more thing: your friend Steve (again) reminds you to be gentle to you/yourselves. I was recently not being that way to myself over something I’d done that turned out badly, and a dear friend reminded me. It made a difference, and it warmed my heart that he repeated what I had told him a year ago when his partner relationship broke down. What does being gentle to yourself look like? It looks like doing something kind for yourself, like allowing yourself to sleep in, like spending a pyjama day, like buying a nice candle – and using it!, like having warm bread and butter, like not fretting if the bathroom looks like a Texaco truck stop, and most of all, like not be harding on yourself about anything – just accepting yourself. Another friend/mentor says, “I love you, (his name)” to himself.

    Okay, one more thing… to answer your question about my plans for this week… I’ve been in a lot of pain/discomfort for the last two weeks and now gingerly making my way back out on my bike. I’m going to do more of that, once I clean the caked mud off it from a very messy ride before I got sidelined. I’m looking forward to that feeling of freedom and awe. Plus, my sweety and I are going to see a play. Then we’re going to spend time with our two-year-old grandson whose presence vividly reminds me there is beauty and goodness in the world. And, all week I am going to try to remember to be gentle on myself in situations I historically wouldn’t have been.

    PS (yet another thing): Maybe the cat has been visiting to tell you your dad is okay now, wherever he is (I remember asking that very question the first time a parent died). Hey, maybe our dads are enjoying a chat, talking about their kids… I bet they would get along well.

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    1. Gentle vs. happy is much easier to achieve than happiness because it feels like less pressure, less perfection, and more restorative. I love the idea of sitting with coffees. My dad died just after midnight, so when hospice arrived to call the time of death and the cremation society arrived to remove his body, it was nearly five a.m. We ordered breakfast takeout, and when my husband put everything on the table, there was one extra coffee by “accident”. My dad loved his coffee. So my husband placed his coffee cup at his seat at the table.

      OMG that’s amazing that you mentioned that book! I read it in 2022, after my childhood best friend died and we hadn’t spoken in years. I immediately fell in love with it, so I bought a copy! I recommend it to anyone who is experiencing grief. I’ll give it to my mom to read when she’s ready. I love it when someone recommends a book I love back to me!

      Yes to the connections between grief and gratitude! I’ve realized that thinking about all the things I am grateful for helps me heal. Just being able to find anything to be grateful for in my lowest moments is very inspiring. (to myself, that is)

      I love all of your gentle ideas. I am going to refer to them again and again. Particularly the bathroom one because I hate cleaning them. 🤣

      I’m so sorry you’ve been in pain, but I am so glad you can get back on your bike! And I’m so glad you and Sweety have a fun weekend planned!

      I love the idea of our dad’s talking. I think they would get along really well. Thank you for your comment, friend. I appreciate you.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. A lot of wisdom here in the lovely comments for you Kari. Nothing I can add, except to acknowledge that grief is tough and it’s impact so mighty. I know it will go against the grain, but do try to prioritise yourself and your wellbeing.

    I send you the hugest hug possible for the self-loathing, for that is a rough road to be travelling on as I know from personal experience

    <3 <3 <3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. These comments are filling me up like warm bread and butter. You always have something to add, my friend. 😘

      I have definitely been taking care of myself. Throughout the last four months, I’ve been doing my best to take care of myself so that I could help both my dad and my mom (mentally and physically). It served me well then, and I hope it continues to serve me well now.

      Oh, Deb, I hate that we both suffer from self-loathing. Let’s make a commitment to be kinder to ourselves going forward. Deal? 😘❤️

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Kari & Deb ~ the self-loathing thing is so hard. I struggle with it too, with my weight. I beat myself up all the time. I’ve gained 6 lbs (I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but it’s made a big difference in how my pants fit…or rather, don’t fit). Not to mention, the post-menopausal belly isn’t fun. I try to be kind to myself and tell myself it’s ok, blah blah blah, but then I go to zip up my jeans and UGH.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. It’s a constant work-in-progress, but am happy to be joined in a circle of committing to be kinder with and to ourselves going forward with you Kari, and with Melanie. I’ve started buying clothes again – with pleasure rather than just because everything I have has fallen apart!

        Liked by 1 person

  18. I don’t think there are any rules or time constraints that come with grief. I wish I had some words of wisdom. I do think you need to be gentle with yourself and not worry what others are thinking. Might be easier said than done. My heart broke when your dad said he wouldn’t be here when you turned 54. He’s with you in spirit though, celebrating all that you are.

    I cannot believe that your dogs both have the same birthday as you do. What a coincidence. So fun.

    The cat. Oh my goodness. I do believe in signs. I think your dad is sending the cat to check up on you.

    I hope your birthday is full of peace and love and I hope it is more enjoyable than you expect.

    Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It broke my heart, too. I’ll be looking for signs of him that whole day.

      Well, I gave them that birthday for convenience, but they were both born in April! That is pretty cool.

      I believe he sent the cat as well. It has been a fun little game. I’m hoping the cat will also be there this Friday.

      Thank you, friend. 😘

      Like

  19. Happy Birthday! I know it’s going to be a difficult one for you, but I also sense you’re doing very well overall understanding how to be kind to yourself. Small steps, eh? 

    Thanks for the video about reiki, I’ve saved it for later. As for what’s up here this week, planting posies, pulling weeds, enjoying being outside before it gets too hot out there.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Happy birthday week, Kari. You deserve to be celebrated. <3

    I wish I knew the secret to being gentle with yourself. Some things I have tried, with varying success:

    • Talking to myself, out loud, as I would to a friend: “Suzanne, you are sad, and it’s okay to be sad.” “This feels hard because it is hard.”
    • Talking to myself the way I would to my kid: “Sweetheart, you can do this, even though it feels impossible.” “You don’t have to do X right now, dear one, it can keep until tomorrow.”
    • Placing my hand on my own arm and giving it a gentle squeeze and pat.
    • Dedicating time to cry.

    That cat looks very protective and I hope you see him more.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. My friend. *sigh* You are going through it.

    I started reading this yesterday and when you wrote that your dad said: I won’t be here for your 54th birthday, I sobbed so hard. I had to walk away because I was due for an appointment and didn’t want to go red eyed/puffy.

    When I lost my mom to cancer, the ending happened so swift that we didn’t get a chance to discuss it. She was declining fast and I made the decision to move her to hospice, but she wasn’t cognizant of this, so we never discussed it. I wonder what we would have discussed knowing the end was near.

    The cat. Wow. I wonder if he will stick around for your entire birthday week, or move on?

    I hope you find some nice ways to celebrate and feel loved. Your Dad will be there with you, so, remember that.

    Grief is SO weird. Ebb and flow. There is no direct line in healing and grieving, it comes in waves. Be kind to yourself and forget everyone else outside of your immediate family. XOXO

    Happy birthday!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It went quickly for us at the end, too. But not as fast as it did with your mom. I’m so sorry you didn’t get those conversations. I now realize how much it means to have them.

      I wonder, too! I kind of want him to reappear every Friday, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. For the time being, it’s a fun little game the universe is playing with us at a tender point in our lives.

      I’m really enjoying my week. I’ve been gentle with myself and others. I am spending every day with my mom. Today she is coming over, and I am making us big salads for lunch, which we both love. Tomorrow, Anna, Ella, my mom, (and Mike!) are having a girls day (he’s one of us now) , and playing hooky because we deserve it. My dad would have loved a day like this, and we know he’ll be with us.

      Thank you, friend. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  22. You are adorable! So many beautiful things in this piece. How you are honoring your dad’s life and your grief process, that you’re able to see some good things that have formed like stronger ties with family members. I wish your dad would be able to see you turn 54. Actually, I believe he will. I hope that you and buddy and biscuit are having a wonderful birthday week and that you celebrate big time on Sunday. Happy Birthday Kari!

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