Life, Photography, What I Kept

what i kept – march 2025

Kari

i began writing this monthly post unintentionally in may 2022, motivated by an unexpected and deeply personal loss. your engagement with these posts means so much to me. i wasn’t sure i would continue after that summer, but now, it has become a cherished part of my monthly routine.

thank you for reading along each month.

YES

ella has had duck since she was nine months old—a gift from my friend heather, who had no idea it would become her most treasured lovie.

duck (also known as duckie or duck duck) has been loved beyond measure for the last 16+ years. so loved, in fact, that he quite literally fell apart at the seams.

then one day, her art teacher offered to help put duck back together again. and together, they did just that.

welcome back, duck. 💜

anna and me – 2001
my dad’s first name… on a semi truck
source

i just realized, after reading this, that i’ve been living a substitute life since my dad died.

when he was sick, i was fully present, taking things day by day. but ever since he died, i’ve been going through the motions—pushing through each challenge, trying to heal, trying to keep moving.

reading this made me see it. i’ve been distracting myself instead of feeling what i need to feel.

but maybe i’m starting to wake up.

source
source
my favorite meal of the year – my mom’s irish dinner
source
laying in sun spots with the dogs
source

my mom treated me to an ice cream cone at dq the other day on the way home from an appointment.

my dad loved his dairy queen, and when the dq in their town opened for the season, he’d get so excited that he and my mom would head over to get a cone to celebrate.

in moments like these, it feels like he’s still here with us, just a little farther away but present in the little things, like a vanilla cone from dq. 🍦🌈💜

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57 thoughts on “what i kept – march 2025”

  1. The Aldous Huxley quote is the one for our times. Don’t know who Parker Palmer is [or was?] but so true. I need to focus on that as spring slowly makes its way here. Your photo with Anna from 2001 is delightful.

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    1. Isn’t it? Sometimes I read quotes from ages ago and think, Are they seeing what we’re seeing? 🤣

      March definitely comes in like a lion. It’s still very lion-y here—we’re waiting, Mother Nature!

      I love that picture. 💜

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  2. The page about the substitute life, and your words about how you think you’ve been living that way since your dad died…those are rattling around in my head. For about 4 weeks recently, I mostly stopped living my substitute life. I mean, I guess I *did* stop living it. It wasn’t a choice, though. I just couldn’t do anything else, not really. I was finally in a place where I didn’t have to.  Resting in that place was really hard, but for the first time ever I couldn’t pull myself out of it and didn’t have to. This has me thinking about how we don’t build space in our culture for people to have that kind of time, and also about how important it is. You are still actively parenting, and you’ve had other family obligations pulling at you. It makes sense that you haven’t been able to rest in it.

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    1. “This has me thinking about how we don’t build space in our culture for people to have that kind of time, and also about how important it is.” You are so spot on with this.

      I read about the substitute life in a book by Charlotte Joko Beck. I only recently heard of her (she passed away years ago), but I’m loving this book. I keep taking screenshots of her words and highlighting them in the pictures. Today’s advice was:

      “When you can, even briefly, experience your pain instead of thinking about it, it changes you. That non-dual state is where you can experience your true self. Your true self is peace, freedom. It’s always compassionate. It’s incapable of judgment… this is true Zen.”

      Earlier today, I thoroughly cleaned the bathroom for the first time in…I don’t even want to say how long. If you know me (and I think you do), that’s a huge statement. I’ve kept it clean by spot-cleaning throughout the weeks, but deep cleaning has felt like such a hard task.

      Ella is on spring break this week, and I didn’t have plans today, so I deep-cleaned a bathroom. She walked by, and I happened to say that I feel sad that I haven’t felt like cleaning in a long time. And that teenager—she looked at me and said, “Your dad died, Mom. You’re grieving.” Then she hugged me. 💜

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      1. Wish I could give you a hug, too. (And what a wise, empathetic, kind daughter you’ve raised!) I totally get it about the bathroom. Since December, I’ve mostly sort of floated through my days, doing the minimum. Lotta spot cleaning. And there were a few weeks when I stopped even doing that. Feeling an urge to deep clean is a sign of returning well-being! Doesn’t it feel good to want to clean again? And then to do it? I’m away from home right now (visiting my daughter), and I feel the stirrings of wanting coming back to me. Fingers crossed that they don’t go away.

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      2. She is so wonderful. 💜

        YES, it feels so good! Although I haven’t deep cleaned since that day, so baby steps. But I love that well-being is happening for both of us. Big fingers crossed for you (and for me)! 🤞

        Have so much fun with your sweet daughter. I hope I get to see pictures! 💖

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  3. The Tuesday thing is a little mind-blowing. I wonder if I could convince my boss that today is really Friday, and therefore, I don’t have to come into the office tomorrow?

    We’re hearing cardinals singing again too. Such a lovely sign of spring!

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  4. I think that disconnected/going through the motions kind of thinking is our bodies way of protecting us and then over time in bits and pieces we can process and feel and recover from major trauma/loss.

    Your ice cream looks yummy!

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  5. I love Duck and what an amazing teacher to help put Duck back together again. I’ve been doling out my oldest daughter’s beanie babies to her kids (xmas stockings, Easter baskets, birthdays) and little did I know when I gave my oldest granddaughter the koala beanie baby that it would become her lovey. His name is Mel and he goes everywhere with her.

    What a cool sign to see your Dad’s name on that 18 wheeler! And what a cool name your Dad has!!!! It makes me think of my paternal grandmother who loved her James Garner! LOL!

    You have the best, most interesting house, Kari. That twinkle light tree in the backyard is AMAZING! It would make me so happy to see it every evening.

    Yeah for Spring, cardinals, and ice cream cones! XO

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    1. OMG, I love this! Now that’s special. 💜

      Aww, I loved James Garner too! One of my favorite actors.

      What an amazing compliment! Thank you, friend! This makes me so happy. And yes, the twinkle tree makes me so happy to see every night. 💜

      Yay for all of those things! 🍦💕🌈💜

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  6. Your description of leading a “substitute life” struck such a chord Kari. That describes exactly where I’ve been for the past year – maybe more. Moving house has been challenging in more way than I ever thought – the emotions have been hard, harder even than the impact on my poor old body. But I am grateful to have felt them, to be feeling them still. Thank goodness I stopped taking my anti-depressants when I did, because the fear of stopping has kept me in a place of numbness, living a zombie life with only brief visits into real me living.

    How joyful to see mended duck duck <3

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    1. I’m still on antidepressants, and I know eventually my psychiatrist wants me to wean off of them. But not yet—I’m not ready.

      I’m really glad I shared the piece on substitute lives because it’s resonating with others. It feels good to know I’m not alone.

      So joyful! 💜

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      1. I am very much an advocate for taking them Kari, as they’re no different to any other medicine in that you take them when they’re needed. I’ve stopped taking them twice before, but only this time have I felt they’ve had this impact on me. Maybe because I was holding on to them for longer than I actually needed them due to the fear.

        As you say, when you’re ready is the right time. But there’s also grace in accepting that a person may always need them. I wasn’t convinced I was that person, hence when the moment felt right, I stopped. But I have friends who know it’s a permanent imbalance and that their lives are better with them than without.

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      2. I totally get it. I tried several medications before I found the one I’m on now, and I hated how I felt on the others, so I stopped. My psychiatrist wants me to wean off the one I’m on eventually, but I’m a little scared. I want to trust her, and I know I will… eventually. 💜

        I really like the idea of a permanent imbalance—it feels more real to me. And “one day at a time” works for me, too. I’m feeling good right now, so I’m not going to stress about tomorrow. 🤣

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  7. Gosh that page on substitute lives hit home. Everytime I go off track it’s exactly that. It’s uncomfortable and draining and anxiety inducing and just fundamentally feels wrong. It is always a relief to get back on track. And yet… I am the one making the choices that take me there. It’s hard

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  8. Am having a rough day back in Florence (seriously) and was looking forward to reading your post. So much great stuff here. First of all, the sky pics are all so gorgeous. You were so visited by your dad when you saw that truck! Loved that. Also loved the pic of you and Anna from 2001. Her stuffed duck story reminded me of the Velveteen Rabbit book which I hadn’t thought of in years but love that story. Thank you Kari!💕🙏

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    1. Oh no! I hate that you were having a rough day yesterday. Is today a better day?

      I was visited, Donna! I should’ve told that story. I was taking Ella to school that morning—she wanted to go in late, and I didn’t fight her on it. Then I told her we could stop for breakfast (in the drive-thru) at our usual spot. Well, our usual spot was terribly busy, which almost never happens. She and I even commented on how unusual it was.

      I finally dropped her off at school, and as I was turning to get back on the highway, I saw that truck—and I knew exactly why we were delayed. I knew it immediately. It gave me chills. 💜

      I hope this post made your day a little brighter. I really hope today is a little better, and if it’s not, I’m sending you love. 😘💜

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  9. You have so many lovely things here, Kari. The duck repair touched my heart so much. What a well-loved friend for your daughter, and I was also reminded of the Velveteen Rabbit. The quote about making friends with your body was very powerful for me. And your dad’s name on the truck trailer – awesome!

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    1. Thank you, Michelle! 😘

      The Velveteen Rabbit! Yes!

      I was definitely meant to see that truck. I was late that day, and we had been sidetracked, so I normally would have been in that intersection hours earlier and would have missed it. 💜

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  10. Kari, your first photo looking through the window at that gorgeous blue sky is absolutely STUNNING!

    The quote by Henry Miller is stellar. And so inspiring!

    And YES to the OSV news!

    Welcome back, Duckie! He’s adorable!

    You and Anna? LOVE it!

    “but maybe i’m starting to wake up.”

    ((((((( X YOU X ))))))

    Your home looks so cozy, warm, and full of LIGHT! I can feel the energy!

    Thanks for sharing, my friend. Happy Monday and Happy Week!

    X

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    1. Isn’t it MAGNIFICENT? March gave us so many beautiful blue-sky days here, and I’m so glad I captured one.

      It really is inspiring.

      RIGHT?? We all deserve care. 💜

      I love that photo of us too—in the thick of motherhood and daughterhood.

      I feel that love, my dear friend, and I’m sending it right back to you as well. 😘💜

      It makes me so happy that you can feel that energy through that picture! Thank you so much.

      Happy week to you as well, my friend!

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  11. That Waheed quote is everything.

    “Humans experience many little deaths before the final one” – I am going to be thinking about that for a while.

    Lolololol on the Ram Dass quote. Oh, do I ever relate.

    I love that photo of you and Anna! I love all the photos actually but that one stands out.

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    1. Isn’t that quote great? 💜

      That little deaths quote is from a book I just finished, Beautyland, and I loved it so much. I think you might love it too.

      I think we all relate to that quote in some way. 🤣

      I love that picture too. 💜

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  13. Dang it, just had a reply typed out and I hit the wrong button and erased it all!

    I always enjoy your photos (the one of your kitchen at night is so peaceful) and quotes. And, of course, now I have more books added to my wish list!

    I love that Ella has had Duckie since she was a baby and that her art teacher helped her repair it. <3

    The photo of you and Anna…I knew it was Anna right away from her eyes! That is such a precious photo. Look at that mama love, the way you’re looking at your sweet baby.

    xoxo

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    1. CTRL-Z. I think you’re hitting the same buttons I was. Try CTRL-Z next time—you might have to press it several times to see if your comment comes back. It has saved me numerous times this past month.

      I love that you have more books! I always get so excited when I find more books to add to my TBR list.

      When I tell you the glee on Ella’s face when she walked into the house with a fully repaired duck—oh, Melanie, it was precious. I love that she still loves him so much.

      I love that picture too! I found it last year while looking through my mom’s photos. 😘💜

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      1. Money yeah – I have occasional moments of deep dread when I realize that I’m just believing the bank when it tells me what my bank balance is – and then I try to track all the changes until I give up and realize I just have to believe what they say unless I want to track every penny… so tricky! And don’t get me started on taxes!!

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  15. life is not pretty all the time. sometimes the sprinkles belong in the cupboard next to the sugar. somedays really are just about the mud. why is mud so scary? it washes off.

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  16. Two things that caught me..first, your Dad’s name on a truck. How cool! In my opinion, that’s definitely a sign from him saying, ‘I’m here with you!’ Second..a substitute life. That’s such an interesting concept. I feel we all live that some time in our lives. I never thought about it until I read that excerpt. It makes sense.

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    1. Yes! I definitely thought it was a sign! The fact that I was at that exact intersection at that time…

      It makes so much sense! I love that I hadn’t heard of this author until this year. In fact, I googled her on my own, and I’m not even sure how her name came to me. I love when things like this happen. 💜

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  17. Aw Kari. I’m both so happy & so sad for you. That substitute life realization is huge. Feels like you’ve reached the end of one path & the beginning of another.

    Hugs 💚

    Your prior musings about memories, like you & your friend dreaming of becoming Ski Instructors in CO, floated a phrase into my thoughts a few days ago:

    We revisit our pasts to reclaim them.

    And then you posted your writing prompt excerpt here. Essentially the same thing.

    Thinking about past times, going through old photos, welcoming visits from loved ones who have gone on ahead but return as birds at the window or semi trucks at the intersection….. I think that’s reclaiming.

    Bringing who we always were and what we’ve always had into the now. Hugging it close and keeping it near.

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    1. End of one path and the beginning of another—yes, that’s exactly how it feels. 😘💜

      Oh Maddie, this is such a beautiful thought. I just saw my childhood best friend’s name in a journal today and burst into tears. I told Mike I have no idea why I started crying—maybe she was with me, and it just hit me. Her death anniversary, my dad’s death anniversary—both in the spring, my favorite time of year. So many lost plans, so many things I wish could’ve happened. When you said, “return as birds at the window or semi trucks at the intersection,” it’s like you get me. I can’t tell you how much your comments mean to me. I guess I just did.

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  18. This morning I was so cold I just could not warm up. I had on my heated vest and was under a blanket. I could hear the dog panting in the mudroom because she was in a sunspot. I took myself into the mudroom and laid in a sunspot, too. If it’s good enough for her, it’s good enough for me.

    Let’s talk about time as a construct, shall we? It’s all made up, right? Calendars are nonsense. Am I the only one who thinks this? (Also, I don’t understand time. Like, I have a co-worker who knows things are like two weeks out and I am barely able to think about what I have to do tomorrow.)

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    1. Sunspots are seriously underrated. I try to soak them in during the winter as much as I can.

      YES! I completely agree. Who decided on days, weeks, and all these time rules? Why do we just go along with it? We should totally revolt.

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  20. Garner. *sigh*. He is here. He’s there at DQ waiting in line with you, always.

    Buddy and his eyes. I mean, if that dog isn’t saying a million things with one look, I can’t imagine anything else.

    Ducky. How sweet is that? You never know what will be around for the long term.

    I loved hearing your cardinals chirping on your daughter’s birthday. Very sweet.

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    1. You got that right, my friend. He is always here. 💜

      RIGHT?? It’s like he’s looking right through us.

      I know! I love that she still loves her duck.

      Me too! I never get tired of cardinal songs. In fact, one is singing as I write this. 💕

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  21. The sky in that first picture doesn’t look real. Crazy beautiful blue. The Tuesday thing is hilarious.

    My heart breaks that you don’t feel like you have been living. Substitute living. It seems like you are doing a great job of focusing on the moments you cherish and reading great books that are pointing you towards healing. Hoping all of this gives you peace.

    in the meantime, I am here for the pics of your dog sleeping? Upside down?

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    1. Right?? It looks like a screensaver! That’s exactly why I took the picture. 💜

      I feel like we live in a time where we could totally shake up the whole Tuesday thing. 🤣

      Just to be clear, I do feel alive, and I’ve had moments of presence. But grieving means being vulnerable and honest, and feeling pain all the time is just too much to carry every single day.

      Yes! When he falls into a deep sleep, he does that. I never get tired of it.

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  22. The quote about living meaning being aware made me shiver. What a truth, Kari.

    What a treasure duck is, and the art teacher who helped heal him!

    The truck with your dad’s name! What a gift to find him in unexpected places!

    The substitute life passage really got me. It is much easier to look away than to look straight at a horrible thing, isn’t it? I hope you are kind and gentle with yourself as you find your way into the “real” and out of the substitute.

    Love that photo of you. And your dog in the sun in the door!

    This post was so full of hope and promise. I love spring and its metaphorical power. Here’s to many days of sunshine and blooming. xxoo

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    1. I know… isn’t that a great quote?

      Yes! We were so grateful for her.

      “What a gift to find him in unexpected places!” Oh yes, Suzanne—I love this. A gift, truly.

      It really is so much easier to look away. I’m still being kind to myself. Grief is such an intense process, and those who think otherwise just haven’t grieved yet…

      I love both of those photos too. 💜

      Spring is my favorite season as well. Here’s to sunshine-filled days and everything in bloom! 😘

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