Family, Life, Soul Homework

Asking For What You Want

Kari

I’ve changed the names of the horses for the sake of the barn’s privacy and my daughter’s privacy.

As part of my soul homework, I was reading Mark Nepo’s The Book of Awakening the other morning. He writes: “I have discovered, again and again, that I usually know what I need to do but just deny it, and it’s this small hesitation, this small resistance to enter what is real, that makes life feel neutral or out of reach.”

In other words, we often inherently know what we need to do—but we deny ourselves that path.

Since third grade, my youngest daughter has been riding horses. Her favorite is Chief, an American Paint and Quarter Horse mix.

She’s never had much say in which horse she rides; the instructor chooses each week, based on her skill level and the safety of both horse and rider. She didn’t start out riding Chief, but over the years, he became the horse she spent the most time with. She learned to ride on him.

When she had a bad week at school, he was her soft place to land. When she went to horse camp for the first time in fourth grade, he was her home away from home. Chief was her first love.

Watching my daughter grow up with Chief reminds me of my own journey with this blog. When I first started writing here, I saw other bloggers achieving enormous success—book deals, huge followings, speaking engagements—and I assumed that should be my next step. When it wasn’t, I felt like a failure.

But I was happy where I was. I had meaningful connections with my readers, occasional paid opportunities, and I was enjoying the process. Still, I denied myself happiness because I compared my path to someone else’s.

My daughter felt something similar with riding. The next step after cantering was jumping—but Chief wasn’t a jumping horse. To jump, she would have to leave him behind. She saw her peers advance and felt pressure to keep up. So she did.

At first, she loved the adrenaline rush. She could visit Chief occasionally, but it wasn’t the same. He wasn’t the same anymore.

Then the pandemic hit, and riding stopped for a long time. Life threw many twists and turns between then and now—too many to recount without losing you in the telling.

A few months ago, my daughter said, “I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I’d like to go back to cantering. I don’t want a jumping class. I want Chief again.”

We asked if it was possible, and it was—but Chief wasn’t himself. He’d been acting out for another rider. The handlers were bringing in veterinarians to figure out what was wrong. He was out of character.

On a walk one day, I said to my daughter that maybe she could understand what it’s like. We all go through difficult times, and she would need to keep that in mind when riding a horse who was “difficult.”

The other girl recognized this empathy. She offered my daughter the chance to ride Chief in the next lesson.

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Seeing my daughter on Chief again left me speechless. She leaned close to him, whispering things only they could understand. At first, she was careful—any horse, no matter how gentle, demands respect—but soon they were moving together like they had always known each other. There was something electric in the air, a kind of recognition that made it feel like they had shared a lifetime before this one.

For so long, I had been preoccupied with homeschooling, extracurriculars, and whether she was learning enough. But when she asked to hold back for a cantering lesson with Chief, I knew she would be just fine.

Maybe she struggles with division. Maybe she doesn’t fully understand photosynthesis.

But she knows how to ask for what she truly wants, even if it looks like a step backward.

And in truth, it’s far from a step backward. She is light years ahead of the rest of us.

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31 thoughts on “Asking For What You Want”

  2. Yes! I love so much about this post but the ending?? That is so spot on with homeschooling. It can be so hard not to fret and worry and compare our kids and their learning strengths and weaknesses against others but that confidence and knowing of self is just beyond priceless.

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    1. It is SO hard in homeschooling because it feels so isolating and I don’t know if she’s learning enough. But then she has these moments and I think, she’s doing just fine. :)

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  3. Kari I’ve missed you! :-) Life got crazy & suddenly I had no quiet moments to sit n read n think n compose thoughtful blog comments. It has been *horrible*. I’ve missed your insightful posts and kind comments. And now you post about *horses*! So I’m sneaking off to post a quick THANK YOU to you, your daughter and of course Chief.

    I love this perfect post. You’ve captured what horses can teach and also a lovely moment when your child realized and spoke up for what matters to her. I’m so proud of all of you (I know that sounds ridiculous lol)!

    I started riding when I was about 6. Many things changed in my life as time moved on, but “horses” were the one place where I was always welcomed, part of a team, tasked with listening and also given the gift of being listened to…. because that’s what horses do.

    And thank god all the adults around me stood back and just let me (and my horse) do our thing. As an adult now, I can appreciate how hard that must have been for the adults.

    I will spend the day (ok, prob the whole month) thinking about all my horse teachers. Thank you (and your daughter and Chief) for sparking a trillion wonderful memories.

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    1. I’m so glad you commented on this post because you of all people KNOW what horses mean to people. The bond they have. When I look into his eyes, as Ella’s mom, he just tells me that he has my child. It’s so beautiful. I’m so in love with him too.

      Ellie is so special in so many ways but she is truly an animal whisperer for all animals. I love her connections to those who have no “voice”. :)

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  4. Such a great story. I love this. Very insightful. Those photos are beautiful. How great that she knew that cantering was a better fit for her. Advancement be damned.

    I took riding lessons as an 8 year old. I think I wasn’t old enough to do the lessons, so the people at the barn agreed to let me participate if I rode the same horse every time. He was old. Fat. Tired. Predictable. And slow. His name was Stubby. No joke. I just told my kids this story the other day. When it was time for the show, we drew names from a hat for our horse and my older sister Ann picked Stubby. Bah ha! I got some fabulous horse.

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      1. The Subby name cracks me up too, and it occurred to me just today that his name was Stubby even when he was young – I would think, anyway. Someone had some foresight there.

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  5. I love this so much. She has the guts and tenacity to ask for what she wants even when it might not be the popular choice. SMART COOKIE!
    What a smile-you can tell she’s happy. You are such a good mama. XO

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  6. Oh Kari, you are teaching her quite well. That is a girl that knows what she wants and what works for her and has no problem asking for it and doesn’t care what others think. We could all learn from her.

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  8. This is a really lovely piece of writing, Kari. I mean, I love all the things you’ve said, but what I’m really marveling at is the way you’ve said it. Your English teacher would be proud.

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  9. This is a really lovely piece of writing, Kari. I mean, I love all the things you’ve said, but what I’m really marveling at is the way you’ve said it. Your English teacher would be proud.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. By the way, your comments sometimes come in twos. I know you’ve had trouble commenting lately. I’m going to address it in the podcast Wednesday because I don’t feel necessarily comfortable talking about it on the blog. Long story. But I love when two of your comments sneak in. It feels like a gift so I always publish both. 😘

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  10. Yes!! You have to be so proud as a momma because that’s such a HARD lesson to learn. Good on her for learning it already!

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  11. OMG, this is the most beautiful story. There is so much I can relate to…someone else’s “success” (and I use that term lightly as there is no true definition of success) might not equal ours. Even at my age, I still sometimes feel like a failure when I compare myself to others who look like they have it all because they are making a lot of money or they have a huge, fancy house, or they are a Big Blogger. But I have to remember, maybe those persons aren’t content or happy with what they have. (And if they are – that’s wonderful.) My path is different and that’s OK.

    And the connection with horses…I’m an animal lover in general, but there’s something about horses that has always made me have to catch my breath. I had a horse when I was a teenager and I still miss her. A couple of years ago, I went to a Feed Your Soul women’s group at Soulful Prairies in Woodstock (https://soulfulprairies.com/feed-your-soul-womens-group/). Linda, the facilitator, had one of her horses quietly join our group as we were sitting in a circle. He kept walking around us, coming up to some us (including myself) and and nudging. That sweaty, leathery horse smell I once loved and the immediate connection I felt to him was incredible. I’m tearing up even now just thinking about it. He knew it, because he came over to me and nudged my arm. And when Linda picked one woman out of the group at the end to have a one-on-one sort of counseling session at the end with the horse, it was amazing to watch. This horse followed the woman around, always staying close to her as she was talking about her breast cancer journey and even went to her several times to nudge her heart. Horses are so incredibly intuitive. (I am hoping to go to this group again at the end of May.)

    The gift of connection that Ellie and Chief have with each other is real. Raw and real. And they both know it.

    xoxo

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    1. For many years I was tied up with all of the blogging events and things I thought I needed to do in order to be a “good blogger.” But I didn’t really want that for myself. It was what I thought I should be doing. The funny thing is that most of the bloggers who were doing those things aren’t even blogging anymore. I mean, they probably don’t have to because they’re writing books, etc. LMAO. But I began blogging to blog. I created this space to document my life for my kids to someday look back on our life. That was the goal, which is why I named it A Grace Full Life. :)

      I remember when you went to Soulful Prairies! I am definitely going to one of her events and taking my mom. I know she would love it and it would be a great way to clear away 2020. Horses are just so amazingly special.

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  13. This is so beautiful! I’ve seen a different side of Ellie recently, through our mutual TikTok obsession and it’s been amazing to see a side of her outside of what you’ve written about her. She is so creative, and funny, and interesting. It is a testament to how well you are doing with her ‘self’ which really is the most important thing. I still struggle with this every day, and I’m three times her age.

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