100 Things I Love, Grief, Humor, Life

100 more things i do not love- part three

Kari

i’ve seen this quote a lot over the last month:

“i sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.” -c.s. lewis

i had seen that quote before my dad died, but it has come up several times in books i’ve been reading and in things people have sent me. yesterday, i burst into tears when a song from one of my playlists played something i hadn’t heard since my dad was in hospice. i had been angry about a few things before hearing it. then i remembered the quote above.

my relationship with anger is very complicated. i associate anger = bad, but that’s not always true.

“i sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.”

lately, i’ve been unsure of what to write, share, or say.

i’m in a vulnerable place.

it feels like my soul homework and therapy can’t even begin to touch the feeling/emotion/thoughts inside me.

i believe this is the grief speaking.

i hope you can be patient with me as i navigate this. writing is healing for me, and this community is a source of healing as well.

i hope i’m able to share things in ways that are both engaging for you and healing for me.

i have not published one of these posts since august of last year.

i’m due.

one could argue that i am overdue.

not a fan of the fact that c.s. lewis referred to anger as “her.” that will be on my next list.

the first list can be found here, and the second list can be found here.

the more “100 things i don’t like” lists i create, the more specific i try to be. after all, can i really dislike that many things?

yes. i can.

here we go…

100 more things i do not love

when a song reminds me of a bad memory

when dogs are left outside in bad weather and yelp to be let in

shaming others for not learning fast enough

the smell of hot sweat on humans

anticipatory anxiety

when someone doesn’t say thank you to service workers

when i use poor grammar in a social media post and i am unable to correct it.

bacon grease

hypervigilence

the existence of money

Photo by Mason McCall on Pexels.com

lice

my itchy scalp when learning someone has it

feelings of inadequacy

feta cheese (sorry, ron 😘)

anxiety chest pains

when a baby or child cries in public and people stare at the baby or child as if staring is going to make the situation better

staring

people who don’t like animals of any kind

making fun of something that makes someone happy

long fingernails (on me)

Photo by PabloKlik on Pexels.com

bitter taste in my mouth

pointing out others mistakes (negative bonus points if done in public)

fever and chills

raising canes

celebrity “authors”

not being able to stand up for myself

cords of any kind

“shh, your voice is so loud”

any pain in my head (aneurism? stroke?or just a tight ponytail?)

insomnia

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

walking on eggshells

the silent treatment

streaming services (there should be just ONE)

competitiveness

when it’s difficult for me to make eye contact while telling a story and the person i’m talking to looks behind them to see who i’m looking at.

cold and windy weather

$100 + pants. why? they’re PANTS.

“we’re so blessed”

unexplainable body pain out of nowhere

people who pull out in front of me in traffic and then go slow

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

when someone sees me crying and says “are you crying?”

when my dogs “see things” when i’m alone in the house. especially at night.

superiority complex

toothaches

back pain

name dropping

colonoscopy prep

when my sleeves get wet

coughing without covering your mouth

merging in traffic

Photo by Ott Maidre on Pexels.com

checking your phone when i’m telling you something important

potlucks

undercooked meat

“i’m sorry you feel that way”

disappointment

feeling pretty then seeing myself in a picture taken by someone else and not feeling pretty anymore

punishment

water going down the wrong pipe/choking

poop floating in a public toilet

people talking on speakerphone in public

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

feeling a cold coming on

“teamwork makes the dream work”

condescension

the smell of cigarettes on clothing

internet trolls

getting my picture taken

heartbeat noise in my head

sticky floors because of humidity

old bats (can be women and men; thanks, bijoux)

when i’m laughing and no one else is

Photo by Jessica Lewis on Pexels.com

conference calls in public places

dirty microwaves

empty toilet paper rolls

people who brag about how little they eat

read receipts

getting a greeting card with just a name in it (save a tree, people)

telling someone something vulnerable and then they change the subject

“aren’t you a little too old for that?”

truth or dare

vague social media posts for attention

Photo by Maryia Plashchynskaya on Pexels.com

on-street parking

adults who talk badly about their children

talking to me while i’m on the phone (i was not born to multitask)

acid reflux

walking to the bathroom through a busy restaurant

“work hard play hard”

very small fonts

gatekeeping

the moment at the end of a party or gathering i’m hosting, when people are either leaving or getting ready to leave, and it’s late. as i start cleaning up, a sad song usually plays on the stereo or television. it’s that melancholy feeling that comes with the end of something special.

grief

what are some of yours?

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83 thoughts on “100 more things i do not love- part three”

  1. Raising Cane’s??? I’m sorry you feel that way.

    (Seriously, that was one of Madison’s selling points, lol. I am obsessed with that place, even though I’ve only been a couple of times since moving here.)

    Anticipation anxiety is the worst, and just this morning, I got a sleeve wet adjusting the pump in our koi pond. That is pretty unpleasant.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LOL I knew I was going get some backlash for that one. I believe you either love it or don’t. I don’t hate it; I just don’t love it.

      Last week, I got my sleeve wet and was so miserable that I had to change my shirt. 🤣

      Like

  2. I may leave more than one comment because I haven’t even gotten to your list yet. I was just blown away to see your CS Lewis quote as I just saw it for the first time this morning on-line. I’ve read quite a bit of Lewis and so was surprised to never have read it before. I really like it but you’re right, why is grief a she? Actually, I could come up w many positive reasons but won’t go there now.
    You are really in the thick of the grief it sounds like. Makes sense that you are feeling every single feeling you mention. Vulnerable stood out to me. That’s not an easy one but such an important one to be honored and nurtured. So grateful for you.❤️ Ok, going back to read your list now.🤗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so grateful for you, too.

      I did consider how it isn’t necessarily a bad thing that grief is female. But it’s a little irritating that in many older quotes and texts, the typical pronoun was he, and this one is she. Really?! 🤣

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I know it must be a difficult time for you right now. Losing your dad is so raw and hard. I’m a year and five months out from losing my mom. It does get better, but then things like May Day, Mother’s Day and her birthday brought back strong feelings of grief.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I understand, Elizabeth. All of those milestones are also heading towards us. It’s comforting to know that others are going through similar experiences. I hate that you are going through this, but it makes me feel less alone. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  5. That’s a great list and I agree with most of them. Glad to find a fellow feta hater. I thought I was the only person on earth who doesn’t love it.
    As for grief, it’s a process. A long one, but sadly you have to let yourself fully feel all the stages before you’re ready to move on.
    💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad I’m not alone in my dislike for feta! We are a small club! 🤣

      It feels like it’s taking forever, but it’s only been five weeks. It just FEELS like it’s been five months.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Raising Caines- it’s just chicken people, not worth or a drive-through line into the street almost daily!

    Liked by 1 person

      2. One was the site of my fave order ever. I used to get “cheeseburger, plain”, aka cheeseburger (extra 10 cents for cheese) w/o sauce/pickles, on my way home from work. One time, my cheeseburger-plain also had no cheese (but still cost me 10 cents extra).

        Their fries are great, but only if you eat them immediately.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I feel like lists like this are a purge! Here are a few bits I want to have float away from my consciousness for the moment:

    • When the computer “steals” the cursor from my focus with popups from a website or system
    • Feeling overwhelmed by tasks
    • KPIs (Key Performance Indicators)
    • Maybe clover and dandelions in the lawn (undecided)
    • Feeling helpless over challenges others face, knowing I cannot prevent pain

    Liked by 1 person

  8. dear kari, of course you are not quite yourself lately!! … you’ve just lost someone you’ve loved <3. and of course your grief might manifest as anger every now and again– that's called being human! i'm just glad that you are able to share with us through your blog, no matter which kari shows up! (come as you are)

    things i don't love– sticky airplane trays. ewwww!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sending a big hug. ❤️❤️❤️

    Oh, I hate long fingernails, on me and others. 😅 And got a giggle out of colonoscopy prep – haven’t been there myself, but I’ve heard…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Kari, I love that quote, and thank so much for sharing it!

    I’ve learned that grief takes time, and it comes in stages. So, please feel free to express yourself whenever you feel the need to do so. We understand.

    I think being in a vulnerable place is actually a very powerful place because things are moving through you and being processed.

    I found that allowing myself to stand with the grief without judgement, makes moving through the grief easier.

    “the smell of hot sweat on humans” — Oy vey, I hear you on that one. And because summer is just around the corner, the city heat and smells get very intense. I want to walk around and hand out deodorant sticks!

    feta cheese (sorry, ron 😘). CRACKED ME UP!

    “people talking on speakerphone in public.” – OMG, me too!!!

    One of my additional dislikes is when someone has a black background on their blog and uses a colored font. Sorry, but reading it is so utterly PAINFUL.

    Sending you lots of Reiki, my friend!

    (((((((((((((((( X YOU X ))))))))))))))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your love and compassion. I appreciate you so very much. 😘❤️

      I am laughing so hard at the visual of you handing out deodorant sticks on the streets of Philadelphia. 🤣

      Someone said that they preferred feta “in the right dish.” Maybe that is my problem. I haven’t tried feta in the right dish yet.

      I despise both black backgrounds and colored fonts. When I see a blog or website like that, it reminds me of 2007.

      Thank you for all the Reiki, friend. I will take everything in. Lots of love to you. 😘❤️

      Like

  12. Aw, I would expect you to be feeling ALL the emotions right now and sort of be at a loss as to how to deal with them; extreme grief is always like that. It can really sneak up on you and hide itself behind so many other emotions too.

    However, your list is spot on! When I saw we sleeves I immediately thought of wet socks… really just wet fabric against my skin unless I am IN a pool or lake or ocean. And I will do nearly anything to avoid on street parking.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hi Kari, You share poignant, vulnerable, and relatable words and feelings. “Anticipatory anxiety” gave me goosebumps. I try not, yet have ‘anticipatory grief’ which means I am rehearsing for something I cannot rehearse and at the same time, I am wasting the precious moments of today’s joy…cognitively I know I should not do this…Huge lol re lice and then the itchy scalp. Actually, I am nodding my head in agreement with many of the 100. Infinite hugs in your direction, Kari.💕 Erica

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I completely understand the feelings of anticipatory grief. I had it after my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer in December. I didn’t want to grieve for him while he was still alive, but I was unable to prevent it. I knew he was going to die, so my body started grieving while I fought it. When I gave in, I started to feel better physically. But it is really hard to feel that grief while a person is alive and seemingly well. My dad was fighting cancer hard, and I was still grieving his looming death.

      Thank you for those hugs, Erica. Hugs right back to you. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Oooh, anticipatory anxiety is a good one. I hate it too.
    I hate that we get sick, get old, get hurt, and die.
    I hate bras. And shoes. And clothes. Everything seems uncomfortable and ugly to me lately!
    You have so many good ones on your list! It feels kind of good to write these things down – I may keep on going!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If I could stay naked, wrapped like a sausage in a blanket all day, that would be kind of nice. No? 😂

      Write them down! That’s how this all started! It’s a lot of fun. And…therapeutic. ❤️

      Like

  15. Great list!

    I don’t like rounded or pointy fingernails (I like “natural”, aka”square round”).

    I’m getting more frequent “flash” headaches (very quick but VERY painful) behind my R ear. Surely they’re an aneurysm warning.

    #1 on my list is any variation of “shh, your voice is so loud”, cause I hear “shut up, no one wants to hear anything you say.”

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I almost never get headaches of any kind, so the flash headaches, always in the same spot, make me paranoid… esplast weekend, when I had several inone day.

        Liked by 1 person

  18. So much to relate to! Ugh, anticipatory anxiety – the worst. It just drains without actually preparing a person for the event in question.

    When someone doesn’t say thank you to service workers – I think you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat their waiter/ cashier/ what have you.

    And ewww, dirty microwaves and bah, empty toilet paper rolls!

    I hope the writing is healing for you, Kari. You have gone through trauma and an immense loss, and it will absolutely take time to heal from it. There will always be a hole unfilled because nothing can replace your dad, but hopefully in time that hole will be just warm memories, and the grief will take a back seat. In the meantime, we are all here to hold your hand and “walk you home” as Rumi said. xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nicole, last week I was at a store and noticed a woman who did not return her cart, despite the fact that the store was only a few steps away. It took everything in me not to say something. If I hadn’t been in such a place of grief, I think I would have spoken up. I’m now too fragile to get into an altercation over a shopping cart. 🤣

      But I was thinking about you and our shared commitment to justice. And it reminds me of this community and your quote here. You all walk me home every day. I am so glad you are here with me. 💕

      Like

  19. As much as I love to surround myself with positive people, I also enjoy a good bitch session and reading all the things you dislike is so relatable for me. Here are some things I am totally in agreement with: anticipatory anxiety (this is the story to my life), bacon grease (I refuse to even make bacon because of it), long fingernails on ANYONE (I find them gross and I don’t understand how a person gets anything done – like how do you even wash dishes??), raising canes (I’ve never been there, but the food looks disgusting to me in their commercials), unexplainable body pain (I get weird pains in random spots that last briefly but freak me out).

    “We’re so blessed” seems like a recent phrase. I don’t remember people saying that until recently. It seems to imply that only THEY deserve good things to happen to them. I’m going to try to avoid saying it, now that I’m really thinking about it. The whole “I’m sorry you feel that way” is such a NON apology. I hate it.

    I have no idea why you reference me about old bats?? Maybe you’re thinking of someone else or maybe I’m losing it! Also, what does ‘read receipts’ mean?

    I could do an entire post on people in my life who write vague social media posts which cause all sorts of drama online. I completely ignore those sorts of posts. It’s ridiculous. When my son still lived here, I would sometimes read the posts aloud in a dramatic voice and we would get a good laugh. Is that mean of us??

    I love to read anything you are willing to share, positive or negative. I know that this is a trying time in your life and for those you love. Take care of yourself first! XO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A good bitch session is very healing, isn’t it?

      In the last 100 Things I Do Not Love post, you mentioned old bats. I only remember making a note of it in my iPhone notes and adding it to this post. 🤣

      iPhones display “read receipts.” When you send a text message and someone reads it, it will say “read at 10:05” There is an option to turn them off. It’s just annoying when someone reads my text after an hour and still doesn’t respond.

      That is the opposite of mean. That is brilliant. ❤️ (And please write that post.)

      I’m taking care of myself. I am fortunate to be surrounded by lovely people. But this definitely has been a very sad time.

      Like

      1. OMG, I am laughing out loud right now. I just looked up my comment on your previous list about the old bat! I was thinking baseball bats or flying bats🤣🤣🤣 But yeah, that woman was so nasty to me about my cart that day. Get a life, lady!

        I have iphone11 and I don’t see read receipts on mine. Maybe it’s turned off. I’ll leave it off because I don’t want to know that people are ignoring me.

        Liked by 1 person

  21. Kari,

    A therapist once told me that grief is the foundation of all anger. That it’s easier to feel angry than sad. I think there’s probably truth in that. AND, when I think about the last year you’ve had, starting in the fall (or even earlier) you’ve got good reason to be feeling so effing angry. And deeply, deeply sad. When my grandma used to tell me that getting old isn’t for wimps, I thought she was talking primarily about the physical challenges. But knowing what I know now, I think she was talking about all of it, all the things we lose, and our growing/deepening understanding of what loss means. The growing weight of accumulating loss. Sometimes I feel pretty pissed about it all. And sometimes I feel really sad about it all. And sometimes I feel happy/grateful for what I’ve had and for what remains. I think all the feelings are true and that I’m never going to get to a place where the hard/”bad” ones (anger and sadness) are replaced by the happy/grateful ones. They’re all just going to keep taking turns being at the front of the line.

    I love your list of things you do not love because one of the biggest things I do not love is toxic positivity. I think pretty much all of the things on your list DO suck (except feta cheese–I like feta, in the right dish) and I like feeling a connection with someone over the things we both don’t like as much as over the things we do. I’m gonna stop because this comment is almost as long as your post and that’s just rude (and probably belongs on the suck list) but know that as far as I’m concerned you can show up here exactly as you are. It’s a service to all of us to bear witness to grief so that we won’t be so surprised when it comes for us. So that we can normalize grief and start doing a better job of supporting each other through it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Long comments DO NOT suck. I am adding long comments to my love list.

      Your first paragraph is a work of art. I might print it out and keep it on my refrigerator. Sometimes I feel like I need to announce that I HAVE HAD A REALLY SHITTY YEAR. Not to give an excuse for my behavior, but to give me (myself) grace. I wish to be gentle with myself like my friend Steve told me.

      “It’s a service to all of us to bear witness to grief so that we won’t be so surprised when it comes for us. So that we can normalize grief and start doing a better job of supporting each other through it.”

      Thank you. 😘❤️

      I will do my best.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. The fact that I can’t even fathom what a world without the existence of money looks like.
    2. Cancer
    3. People who shoot pellets at stray dogs instead of helping them
    4. Pickup trucks that roll coal
    5. Sudden rainstorms when you’re driving
    6. Impatient people
    7. Having to leave people when they are in pain because I have to work
    8. Flat tires
    9. The sound of an alarm clock
    10. Meetings that should have been emails

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 1- is exactly why it should go away…
      2- that was on my last list. Yes. YES.
      3- people. Let’s just add PEOPLE to the list.
      4- now I need to investigate this.
      5- YES. This is very scary.
      6- especially in the grocery line.
      7- aww. I hate this one. ❤️
      8- yessss.
      9- I’ve had to change the sounds of my alarms several times this year because they were triggering me.
      10- my oldest daughter would definitely agree with this one.

      Like

  23. We are all here for you in the midst of your grief. I just scrolled through everyone’s comments and you have the best blogging friends! Which reminds me, since we’re also friends in RL, we must get together again soon. If you’re up to it. <3

    I love your lists. There are so many things on here I agree with. I see a lot of us don’t like long fingernails. I know they’re popular right now, especially the artifical nails with all the cool colors and designs, but it’s not for me. I don’t know how anyone can actually do anything with long nails like that. And long REAL fingernails…just ick!!

    I like feta, but I can only take it in small doses. A few sprinkles on a salad of some sort, fine. And then I’m done with feta for awhile. I actually like blue cheese, too.

    $100+ pants…right? Why? I’m a cheapskate when it comes to clothes. Most of mine come from thrift stores or TJ Maxx.

    Raising Canes…I’ve never even been there. No desire.

    Bacon grease – had to laugh when I read this one. There’s so much of it and it stinks, doesn’t it? But the reason I laughed…when my mom was growing up in KY and they were very poor, they actually ate bacon grease sandwiches. Can you even imagine? But, sometimes that’s all there was. :-(

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really do, and you are included. YES! I’m always up for it! I will message you once I have finished responding to your comment.

      My dad loved blue cheese. ❤️.

      I don’t understand how stores get away with charging so much for pants.

      I’ve been there three different times. Just not my thing. 

      OMG. Bacon grease sandwiches. Actually, this does not surprise me. My dad would told me about some of the foods they enjoyed as children (he was one of 12), such as mayonnaise sandwiches. The small stuff. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  24. OMG this list! So many on there got me going. One for instance, parents criticizing their kids to their friends on social media. Next-level shaming, that is. I’ll add: blowing your nose then reaching out to shakes hands without washing yours first!

    If it’s helpful, feelings you are describing feel like natural responses to me, based on my grief journeys. I welcome your posts, ruminations and examinations as you process yours, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Next-level shaming! Yes! Blowing your nose (or coughing) then reaching out to shake hands! OH YESS.

      Oh, thank you so much. I was concerned about constantly writing about sadness, but everyone has been so encouraging. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  25. I guess I dislike my memory because there are so many lines in this post that I want to remember to say YES! THIS! And then I get to the end and I can only remember like 1 thing.

    Insomnia and the people talking in phone in public and me telling someone something and they cannot look up from their phone.

    Most of all I really dislike people who act rude or ignorant. Specifically . . . the people who are STILL giving Reg /us a hard time because of the lawsuit. But wait? You would have done the same thing. Fools.

    I am sorry you are struggling. From what I understand, grief is unpredictable and difficult. I am thinking of you and hope you find comfort and also I hope you stop seeing poop floating in public toilets.

    XO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I feel the same way about long posts. I get to the comment section and forget what I was going to say! 🤣

      I don’t like how people are treating Reg. I’m sorry they’re treating you so unfairly, but he’s only a teenager.

      I hope I will stop finding them as well. 😊

      Like

  26. I share a couple of these with you; wet sleeves. Ughhh….

    I realized in the past few years, when we would be in GA and the weather was cold, I hated washing dishes or getting my hands wet because it felt so drying in the winter. This is something I’d never experienced before. Weird. I know.

    Raising Cain? What the heck? Like having fun? 🤩

    Liked by 1 person

    2. I hate how dry my hands get in the winter, and it’s always while I’m cleaning or washing dishes.

      I think Raising Canes is better in the south. We ate at the one in New Orleans, which was much better than the ones up here.

      Liked by 1 person

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