Favorite Things, Grief, Life, Music, Tater Tots

screw it, i’m eating tater tots – episode 59

Kari

if you’re new to my blog, welcome! here is an explanation of the tater tot post.

courtesy of portillo’s

cake

my dad was craving cake last month, so we went to portillo’s and got him a chocolate cake. long story short, ella and I thought it tasted odd. since then, i’ve decided that we’re going to search for a homemade portillo cake hack.

we found one and made it last week, and i have to say, it tasted exactly like (if not better than) portillo’s.

the secret? mayo.

1983

ebb and flow

i was going through pictures at my parents’ house for an upcoming post and came across the one above. my dad and i were at sears, i believe, to have a camera repaired. anyway, they needed to take a picture to make sure it worked, so this was it.

it isn’t the best picture of the two of us, but it is definitely a time capsule picture. i was wearing my middle school jacket, and my dad was wearing his kiwanis jacket. and look at those video game machines in the background!

i wrote about the ebb and flow of my life back in october. ups and downs. bad and good. that is how it feels knowing what my dad is going through. we never know what we’ll get each day. some days are good, while others are not.

my dad’s white blood cell count is extremely low. he had to go every day to get bone marrow shots, and one day he needed a platelet transfusion. we’re not sure if he’ll be able to get his scheduled chemotherapy on tuesday.

it hit me last week. everything that is going on with my dad. i think i hadn’t purposely let myself feel the sadness. i had started to feel pain in my body and general discomfort. i am allowing myself to feel the sadness. i started crying (a lot) this weekend when I felt it coming on. i feel less discomfort in my body after doing this.

protection

here’s a nice little story. i found out last week that blue jays represent protection, among other things.

@sherrygibsonphotography

Bluejays #birdwatching #birdsoftiktok #birdlovers #funnyanimals #bluejays #animals #wildlife #naturelover

♬ original sound – Wild Wonderful Wildlife

one night last week, i asked my spirit guides for help.

side note: our bird camera has been occasionally malfunctioning. so, when i made this request, it hadn’t been working for the past few days.

while doing my soul homework the next morning, i noticed a blue jay on the ground near the bird feeder. not at the feeder, but on the ground.

i looked out a few minutes later, and there he was again, on the ground instead of on the feeder.

it felt like an answer to my question, one that only i could understand.

one thing i read

for small creatures such as we: rituals for finding meaning in our unlikely world by sasha sagan (thank you, engie, for suggesting this 🖤)

one thing i listened to

find a little light by will samson

and this playlist: 80s waiting room

one thing i watched

the holdovers

my friend ron recommended this movie to me several months ago, and we finally watched it. such a wonderful movie with an excellent soundtrack. i laughed and cried. i also loved that it took place in 1970 (71), the year i was born. if you have not seen it yet, please do. (thank you for the suggestion, dear friend.)

we also watched this documentary about the making of “we are the world,” which was really good:

links i clicked on last month

9 Oddly Satisfying Things That Make Introverts Happy

001: Just because you can – by Rita Ott Ramstad

Where Would You Live? – Going Down the Road Feeling Grand

The Baker’s Table – Chris Glass

Elegant and classy | Seth’s Blog

Every Brilliant Thing (HBO Documentary Films) – YouTube

Keeping a Compliments Journal is the New Alternative to Gratitude Journaling

The Moon (and a poem!) – Song of the Day for Today

When Goodwill is Better than Love: The Meaning of “Metta.”

A Deep Dive into the Chinese Body Clock — The Wellness Principle

source

quotes that had me thinking last month

“if you’ve not been fed, be bread.” – rumi

“the coming to consciousness is not a discovery of some new thing; it is a long and painful return to that which has always been.” – helen luke

“all sickness is homesickness, homesick for ourselves and for each other. all our daily events, events born of the day, are our journey manifest, our call to come home. all healing is a coming home.” – dianne connelly

“steal a little and they put you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king.” – bob dylan

i meant to share this after mike broke his leg. when my parents came over one day to see us. i took this video knowing they were on their way. 💕

here’s to february…

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59 thoughts on “screw it, i’m eating tater tots – episode 59”

  1. Another beautiful soul collage… thank you for sharing all these pearls of wisdom and beauty.

    I have thought about you and your dad and his difficult health situation… sending healing vibes.

    Thank you for sharing a link to my post on the song “The Moon.” That beautiful song came into my life at the perfect time this past weekend (spirit guides perhaps?) and literally had me sobbing as I work the situation of two iconic figures in my life having become seriously ill at the same time and one of them dying. I guess the poem of mine I shared in that post was a wistful way of not staying stuck in the sorrow, though it is still with me. And George, the singer-songwriter even connected with me in the comments plus another message… mind blown!

    I enjoyed reading the article on a compliments journal. I started one of those (in a sense) in the late 1980s when a church minister talked to me about his “Blue Monday” file (no, not about the New Order song, lol)… a collection of notes, letters and other things that made me feel good. I still have it, and more recently, created a companion one on my computer for digital files – letters, screenshots of texts, etc., messages that uplift me when some of the world seeks to do the opposite. It is a wonderful practice. I don’t even look at it a lot, but even just knowing it’s there makes me feel happy.

    The Traditional Chinese Medicine Body Clock is interesting… I skimmed it but will take a long look when I can. Reminds me how last week our magnificent massage therapist assessed something out of sorts with my right lung and did some work to free up its movement (and the grief it’s holding). Amazing sensation of openness afterward… and I could breathe again.

    And… Introvert, Dear is a fabulous blog. It’s so relatable. I also enjoyed the link to Seth’s blog. Succinct!

    Have a wonderful day, Kari. Enjoy the tater tots… you’ve earned ’em!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Steve. Thankfully, he was able to get chemotherapy today! So please keep sending positive thoughts his way.

      Your post really spoke to me, Steve. It feels similar to how I’ve been feeling lately—finally appreciating what has always been there. Sometimes we need major events in our lives to realize it. And then your poem about wearing the good socks? YES.

      Isn’t it amazing what emotions can do to our bodies? Doctors don’t always talk about this. Fortunately, my doctor recognizes this, and I’ve been given 10 more weeks of physical therapy for emotions I’ve kept inside my body for too long. God love her. At my appointment, she looked into my eyes and said, “Tell me about your Dad.” Cue instant tears. ❤️

      You have a wonderful day as well, my friend! 🖤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks for this lovely response, Kari! I’m glad the post spoke to you, and pleased to hear you’ve got an understanding doctor. I will definitely keep sending positive thoughts out to him (and you). 🙏🏼

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Kari,
    Here’s the comment that wouldn’t take the first time. (No worries!)

    Kari, that photo of you and your dad is just priceless. Isn’t it strange how such a random, throwaway sort of moment–here, we need a photo to make sure this camera is working–can become something so meaningful more than 40 years later? Look at you tucked into his shoulder like that, and look at the smile on his face. It’s just wonderful. The video games and that sweater you are wearing and your beautiful feathered hair are just icing on the cake. :-) (Also, my dad is very active in Kiwanis, too. That detail made me smile and know even more about what a great guy your dad is.)

    Looking forward to exploring the links later. (Have to get myself moving.) I’m so glad your body let you know that you need to cry. We’ve gotta listen to our bodies. (Ask me how I know. Ugh.) Also, how did you see The Holdovers? I wanted to watch it recently, but the only streaming options cost $20. Maybe it’s worth that and I should just pay it?

    Sending you love.

    Liked by 1 person

    2. I was just telling someone else about this picture! Who knew how much this picture would mean to us all those years ago? That’s what I love about life! Those types of moments/interactions, and all of you pointing this out, THAT’S the good stuff. Aww, I love that both of our dads are/were in Kiwanis! 💕

      We watched The Holdovers on Peacock for free (well, we pay for streaming). That’s what Melanie was commenting on, lol. I can’t see that on the backend of the blog when I respond to comments.

      Like

  4. I thought Portillo’s used sour cream? Learning it’s mayo has broken my brain. I don’t generally like chocolate cake, but I did like Portillo’s chocolate cake the one time I had it. Hmmm…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Love the pic of you and your dad, it stirs up my own memories of that era. And this from the same book by Pema Chodron, “Our neurosis and our wisdom are made out of the same material. If you throw out your neurosis, you also throw out your wisdom.” And I’m sorry but I’m going to have to chew on, “if you’ve not been fed, be bread.” Vast. Sending up sliced prayers for you and dad, and family, hugs, C

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I interpret “if you’ve not been fed, be bread” to mean one of two things: don’t be what has been done to you, or be what you want to see in the world. I may not be interpreting it well, and I may need more time to think about it myself. 🤣 But I liked it and thought you might as well, so I’m glad I shared it. 

      Thank you for your prayers, Cheryl. We will take every one of them. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  6. That Bob Dylan quote really makes you think. No wonder the guy is so revered.

    I love everything about that photo! Did Sears used to have video arcades? If so, I wish I’d hung out at Sears more growing up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s funny because Bob Dylan had just appeared in the documentary We Are the World. The next day, I was doing something and dropped my quotes journal, which flipped open to that quote. It felt like I had to share it. 💕

      I think they had video games available in case kids became bored while waiting for their parents who were shopping. But how random, right?

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Loved The Holdovers, saw an advanced screening in Nov. Love your playlist. Recently saw American Fiction…a decent flick that is more dramedy than comedy. Love that ’83 photo how nostalgic. Thinkin’ bout ya…hang in there 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  8. That photo of you and your dad in Sears is PRICELESS! And speaking of Sears, I was talking with someone at work about when Sears was such a popular department store, where EVERYONE went to buy things like washing machines, dryers, TV’s, stereo’s, etc. I got my first charge card with Sears!

    ” i am allowing myself to feel the sadness. i started crying (a lot) this weekend when I felt it coming on. i feel less discomfort in my body after doing this.”

    Good for you, Kari. I’m so happy to hear that you’re allowing yourself to feel your sadness because it’s part of the process of moving through something. And isn’t it amazing to witness how through doing that, you felt less discomfort in your body? Just goes to show how much our feelings and emotions are connected to our physical body (and visa versa). I learned that through becoming a Reiki practitioner.

    Soooooooooooo happy to read that you watched The Holdovers! Isn’t it a FABULOUS story? Like you, I both laughed and cried. Such a great cast!

    Btw, I also watched that ‘We Are the World’ documentary. That song brings back so many wonderful memories for me of the 80s!

    Loved this post, my friend! Oh, and that chocolate cake sounds and looks delicious!

    Have a super week! X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I used to love Sears! I remember how much I liked their toy section as a child. I love that it was the first place you got your credit card. (Mine was at Kohl’s!)

      Today, I woke up with a painful stiff neck. My grief is settling in my body, and I’m trying to release it. Maybe I need it to physically manifest so that I can deal with it now, rather than burying it and having it all come out at once.

      Mike and I both absolutely loved The Holdovers! It was such an excellent film. Thank you so much for recommending it. 

      Wasn’t that a great documentary? It definitely brought back memories for us, too.

      Thank you, friend! Have a great week as well! 😘

      Like

  9. Mayo in a cake. Well.

    LOVE that photo of you and your dad. It is such a relic from another time in so many ways.

    Love the blue jays info, and answer to your plea — and the close up of that jay’s gorgeous feathers.

    I clicked so fast on the list of oddly satisfying things!

    The passage about transition and sticking with uncertainty really resonated with me today. Wow. I need to sit with that for awhile.

    Look at those expectant, happy dogs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right??

      Isn’t it? Who knew that night what that picture would mean?

      I absolutely love blue jays! They are so beautiful.

      SO DID I!! 🤣

      I know. That’s where I struggle. What I’m currently struggling with. Suzanne, I’m sitting with it too. I hope that brings you comfort. It gives me comfort knowing you are.

      They love Mamie and Papa as much as we do. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  10. As usual, you posted so many wonderful nuggets or “tots”.

    Such a sweet picture of you and your dad. I will continue to hold you both up as you navigate this difficult, important, and dare I say “holy” road that you’re currently on. Cry freely.

    I loved your blue jay story.
    I can’t wait to see The Holdovers, looks like we have to pay $19.99 to watch it now, yes?
    I saw “We Are the World” last week and enjoyed it too.
    I’m glad you posted the link about the Chinese Body Clock. Much of that is new to me and I can’t wait to explore it more.
    I look forward to watching Every Brilliant Thing.

    I never heard of a Compliment Journal but like the concept and think I will keep one.
    You are an amazingly wise, insightful, and loving person! Write that in your Compliment Journal. It’s true!! xoxo

    P.S. We had tots over the w/e. First time for me in years. They were so frickin’ delicious!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holy is good. I like holy. ❤️

      Blue jays and cardinals and hawks. Our version of lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Lots of synchronicities and things we can’t explain since all of this started mid-December.

      I recently read something about the middle of the night being a time of “letting go”. How many people die as a result of this during this time? All of this fascinates me. Definitely read that article because it tells you when the best times are to eat, exercise, and sleep…

      Aww, I haven’t started a compliment journal yet, but now I have a compliment, so I will! Thank you! That makes me very happy! You mean so much to me. Every week, I look forward to your comments. You know how to make me feel very loved. 😘❤️

      For the first time in a very long time, I had tater tots a few weeks ago! So good!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aww, you just made my day. Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you feel that way and I feel the same. Your comments are going to be the first ones in my Compliment Journal. You are very loved! XO (can’t find my emoji’s again…)

        Liked by 1 person

  13. What a wonderful photo of you and your Dad. I studied it before I read what you wrote and I was wondering, where would you be that sold appliances and video games?? So strange, but what a snapshot of that time period.

    I knew about the mayo/chocolate cake hack, but my favorite is coffee in chocolate cake. Delicious!

    I didn’t know that blue jays were so revered. We always considered them to be bullies at the feeder, lovely as they are.

    I’m seeing so many recommendations for the We Are the World documentary. I’ll see if I can find it for free on something because I know I’d love it.

    I love that my initial response to Where Would You Live is the first place mentioned, the Pacific Coast. It is so gorgeous there. I cried the first time I visited Land’s End outside San Francisco. It’s 360 degrees of wonder. The Atlantic Ocean has nothing on the Pacific. Plus, the weather!

    I just start a gratitude journal and now you’re telling me about a compliments journal? I can’t keep up! XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That was at Richland Mall, my friend. ❤️

      Yes, to coffee in chocolate! Makes it taste much richer.

      What’s funny is that we don’t always get blue jays. In fact, they usually appear in the fall. So that was an awesome sight to see that day.

      We watched the documentary twice! Once at home, and once with my parents. It changed my perspective on the pop stars I grew up with.

      LOL- my friend told me about the compliments journal a while ago. I never started it. HOWEVER, I did start a grievance journal. It’s been fun to list the things that annoy me. It is not always peace and love here in the morning. 🤣

      Like

  14. What a wonderful picture of you and your dad! Hard to remember that we actually used to repair things instead of throwing them out and buying new. Sears used to be da bomb when I was a kid… pre Wal Mart days. 😉
    I’ll be sending healing energy and positive vibes your way. Give dad an extra kiss.
    ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Crying and feeling grief is so important and so healing for the soul. I think the worst thing our society does is to tamp down grief and just say “It’s okay!” because sometimes it is not okay. *hands you a tissue*

    That chocolate cake though…omg I love chocolate cake so much. I am going to look at that recipe.

    That photo is great. I love pictures from our past because they were so few and precious. Such time capsules they were. xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree. There isn’t enough conversation about death and grief. It is as if we all think we will live forever. I have some bad news for everyone…

      IT WAS SO GOOD. I ate it for breakfast two days in a row.

      I’ll try to post some more photos that I come across. 💕

      Like

  17. there’s something so much more substantial about camera photos from the past. I can’t really articulate it but maybe it was because we weren’t bombarded with the media the way we are now. as such, the process of the photo itself, especially with a loved one, was a memorable occasion.

    that’s a lovely photo with you and your father :)

    Mike

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree. I was just telling my kids that I have fewer pictures from my childhood than they do, and that’s because we didn’t carry cameras (and phones) with us everywhere. A photo WAS a memorable occasion!

      Thank you, Mike. 🖤

      Like

  18. I love that photo of you and your dad. Priceless! It’s amazing how much Ella looks like you. At first glance, I thought it was her.

    I wish I could let my emotions and pain go through crying. I tear up at certain things, but I never cry. I’m sure there’s a lot of psychological stuff behind that; trying to “stay strong” and suppressing my emotions, etc.

    Just watched the trailer for The Holdovers. Want to watch this!

    I remember making a chocolate cake recipe many years ago that had mayo in it. Sounds gross, but it made the cake moist (sorry, there’s that word). I think that classic recipe has been around a long time.

    Going to check out your links now. As always, prayers and positive energy and light for your dad and your family.

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love it as well. So many people have said Ella looks like me. I love that.

      I think I knew this about you. Have you always been like this, or did it start at a certain age? I’m not sure if it feels like a release for everyone. My mom told me that crying too much makes her feel worse, which I can see.

      It’s an excellent movie. At one point, I was crying and then laughing at the same time. I love it when movies make me do that.

      My mom said the same things about mayo in cake.

      Thank you, friend. 😘

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Oh how interesting – mayo in a cake!! I’ll bet it’s actually really good! I guess people don’t like the word “moist” any more, but when it comes to cake, moist is best! I love the picture of you and your dad! It was always fun to get film developed back in the day – there were always surprises! And lots of blurry, dark, awful ones too! I’m sending you and your dad virtual hugs and wishes for strength and healing. I’m so happy the Blue Jays showed up for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was SO good! As bad as the word is, it is so important in cake!

      Wasn’t that the best part of film developing?? I miss that part. (I miss a lot of parts, if I’m being honest)

      Thank you for the hugs and wishes, friend. 😘

      I’m so happy, too!

      Like

  20. Like Bijoux, I was wondering about the photo. I thought – oh, there was a laundromat that offered video games too? Ha. That is a cute photo. I love looking at old pictures. They sure are like a little time capsule.

    I knew about the mayo in Portillos cake. I’m gonna try to make that cake and see if my people, huge Portillo cake fans, will think it is from the restaurant.

    I think crying is part of the process of healing, or letting things go. It can be so cleansing to cry. This is a difficult time and I can only imagine how hard it is to keep moving forward. Giving yourself time to be sad is part of the process. Offering you a hug from just a bit south on 294.

    The video of the blue birds is so cool. Oh, pups – how cute are they, ready and waiting for their visiting grandparents. So very sweet.

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Buddy’s tail when he sees the car in the driveway!! Don’t you wish we (us humans) held this kind of excitement when we saw our family and friends?

    Dogs are everything we should be.

    I ADORE that time capsule photo of you and your dad. So much in that one pic that we can all relate to. ❤️

    I pray that he has a good treatment and week ahead.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know!! I love how we can see when he recognizes them! That is something I also wish for, my friend. Show unbridled excitement like dogs or toddlers. 🖤

      That’s a wonderful statement, Suz. Dogs ARE everything we should be.

      I love it too. ❤️

      He was approved for chemo! Today is Day 2 of immunotherapy! 😊💕

      Liked by 1 person

  22. The photo of you and your dad is the sweetest thing. Thanks for sharing it here. The 80s Waiting Room is perfect. I saved it. I’ve been listening to 80s Chill Pill on SiriusXM lately so you’re preaching to the choir with that one. Hoping your father’s treatment this week goes smoothly.

    Liked by 2 people

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