A few years ago, I published a post about how difficult it is to title blog posts, and I highlighted how I almost titled the post, Screw It! I’m Eating Tater Tots.
Then I joked that it could be the title of my someday autobiography.
In the future, I might use this title for any post that doesn’t have a clear meaning.
Random thoughts, nonsensical musings, and other crap that doesn’t merit its own blog post.
“Screw it, I’m eating tater tots!” I would yell when yet another diet would fail. Or when I couldn’t think of anything else to write.
It’s a gray Monday in January.
Yesterday, we took Anna back to college.
I’m suffering from yet another migraine.
Screw it, I’m Eating Tater Tots!
See how it works?
She’s Gone. Again.
We drove Anna back to college yesterday after she had been home for a month, and it was difficult. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how difficult it would be. I won’t go into a big paragraph of parental melancholy, but suffice it to say that it’s just too quiet around here, and Ella agrees. When one of my birdies leaves the nest, the nest is unsettled. The good news is that my child has completed her first semester of college! Even more encouraging is that she is thriving. I am so happy for her.
I believe we need another emotional support hamster.
Since we’re being random, Nibbles is doing well. He is also thriving.
Blood Work Update
I had my blood work done again, and some of the numbers grew worse while some got better, but as my doctor says, “we’re not freaking out about this right now”. Because according to her, I am looking at it all wrong, which shouldn’t surprise anyone here. It needs to be a “journey” and not a quick weekend trip.
Meaning, I need to go back on low carb, but I need to start with higher carb intake and work my way down, to find my weight loss sweet spot. So if it means 70 grams of carbs per day, then stay there. She also said I can cheat here and there if that helps me to stay there and not quit. But with gray skies, Anna away again, and just blah, I am not there yet.
It’s a journey, it’s a journey, it is a journey.
*Disclaimer- I am not practicing keto, which is all the rage in a negative way right now in the news. I am on a low-carb (see: low sugar) diet because I have some stuff in my blood that requires me to be on it, NOT to lose weight. If I only needed to lose weight, I’d join Weight Watchers.
Low-carb diets are hard, and did you know you don’t poop?
Low-carb isn’t difficult merely because I can’t eat massive quantities of bread and pasta. It’s also difficult to plan meals because, unlike other diets, it demands virtually entirely meal planning, standing in the grocery aisles staring at food labels, and inputting numbers into an app to tabulate your carb totals. Then, after all your efforts, you are rewarded with NOT pooping.
I Just “Discovered” Amy Winehouse, and That Says A Lot About Me
I recently discovered the documentary Amy on Netflix , and I watched it alone one weeknight and fell in love with her, and now I want to go see her in concert. But I’m unable to do so because she died seven years ago. So now I want to listen to all of Amy Winehouse songs all the time because oh my God, she is brilliant and I despise her husband and father for effectively murdering her.
When she was alive, famous and making the rounds back in 2007, I wasn’t really feeling her since the media was portraying her as a joke due to her public drunkenness and drug use. Which speaks volumes about the power of media persuasion, but I was also on a different path of my life; juggling a seven-year-old and pregnant with another. I didn’t have time for intoxicated wealthy blues artists whom I had nothing in common.
But now, I do?
She had such a talent. If that doesn’t make you cry while watching, the blues music will.
Here are my current favorite Amy songs as of right now because blues goes really well with not eating low carb, missing your little birdy, and darkness at 4:30.
Why I Left-Ish Facebook
In terms of page views, leaving Facebook is the kiss of death for a blogger. Pageviews equal more readers and more money from advertisers. But from a mental health standpoint, Facebook was wreaking havoc.
For many years, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with Facebook. In fact, I had previously left Facebook once before in 2011. And while yes, it was difficult because I felt like I was missing out, I didn’t really miss it.
Back in November, I was furloughed from the job that paid me to write on Facebook, which began the ball rolling. For years, I didn’t feel like giving up a paid position to take a mental health break because the prospect of losing money wasn’t worth the gain in my feeling better about myself.
Read into that as you will. I am a work in progress….remember it’s the journey……
So, one Monday, I stopped publishing my blog posts on my blog’s Facebook page and didn’t tell anybody. I think it was about four posts ago that I noticed the same number of people responding, my page views were a little lighter because I had many people who would read via Facebook, so I gave options on how to follow me without using Facebook, and my views jumped again.
In some strange way, not having the Facebook app glaring at me in the face actually relieves my anxiety. Now I only access it through my laptop or when I get bored and have to sneak over to Instagram, but it’s not as good as the app so I don’t stay for long.
I need to look after my mental health. I need to shield myself from things that will undoubtedly harm me. Prevent toxic relationships from becoming even more toxic.
Oh, and getting rid of Messenger off of my phone was brilliant.
Are you taking a social media break? Tell me about your journey.
I got the worst damn migraine ever on the first day of 2019
I’m trying not to read too much into it, but you know me well enough to know I am. I told my therapist about it, and how I am really depressed in the days following a migraine, and how I normally experience “pain spirals” after a particularly bad one. (Pain spirals = weeks of pain after said migraine). She stated that I suffer from PTSD as a result of my pain and that this is entirely normal.
Pain is fucking awful, and when I have a bad migraine, I go to dark places. I feel like I’ll never get well; I want to jump off a cliff; I hate losing an entire day with my family because I am stuck in bed. It’s bad. But I am working through it with therapy, diet, exercise, etc.. to try to not let it mentally conquer me.
But for real, what a way to start 2019.
Marie Kondo Show on Netflix Made me Cry
On New Year’s Day, while nursing a migraine, I began binge watching Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. Then my headache worsened, and I stopped and haven’t been able to resume watching it because of PTSD. I’ll watch it again omce I’ve had a month between me and the soul-sucking migraine, but for now, I know I watched enough to get the gist: get rid of everything that doesn’t make you happy or “spark joy”.
And as much as people want to mock it, it makes perfect sense. Why be surround yourself with things that don’t make you joyful every day?
When you are surrounded by things that create joy, you are happier.
It makes you smack yourself on the forehead, doesn’t it? Except we’re not smacking our foreheads because of the migraine.
So last weekend, I just began throwing shit out.
To be specific, six bags of items that didn’t make me at all happy and were dragging me down.
I had a plan prior to the holidays to get rid of things, and this was going to be my mantra: would I keep this if I had to move?
Meaning, would I want to put it into a moving box, drag the box into a moving van, and haul it across states to start a new life?
If you can’t get behind Marie Kondo’s movement, perhaps that mantra will help.
Apparently, I am not taking a lot with me if I ever move.
Back to the show, I became somewhat emotional (part of it could have been the migraine) during one scene in particular: greeting the home.
When Marie enters a client’s home, before beginning the tidying up part, she greets the home; “thanking it for always protecting you.”
Perhaps it was the soft sad music, maybe it was watching her greet the house, maybe it was when one of the first tidying up “customers” said, he never thought of thanking the home for all it provided, but I cried.
I didn’t just get tears in my eyes, but a full-fledged, ugly cry.
For at least a solid minute and a half.
Because guess what? Our home provides a lot of comforting, it protects us in ways we don’t even realize, and we should thank it. Our home has witnessed so much of our lives; one could say almost all of our lives.
It shoulders a lot of good as well as the bad. We go in and out of it every day, and without realizing how much it has to offer.
I am always thinking about how can I improve my home, how it can better serve our family, but I really need to think of how I can serve it better.
Holy shit, did I pull a lot from a tidying show on Netflix.
How is your new year going? What is it that you need to vent about? Leave it in the comments like a dumpster fire. I’ve got you covered.