I had inadvertently saved it to Word on my computer and have decided, after support from my family and friends, to publish this.
I shared on my personal Facebook yesterday that I have been suffering and mentioned I didn’t want sympathy…..which is why I posted it to …..Facebook?
I guess maybe I did want some sympathy, I think we all do deep down inside when we are having a rough go of things.
I think having a cheer section helps keep you going and we can learn a lot from not keeping it all inside and being able to talk openly about life, bad AND good.
Because as amazing as life is, there are some really crappy moments and if we just put it out there, I think there would be a lot less suffering and heartbreak.
I love my family and friends so much, I think they know but it is good to hear.
This has been edited a bit to include the events that occurred yesterday to push me to write the status update call for sympathy.
We all know that the bad is there every day and for some reason, I don’t want to dwell on it.
Especially in this space.
But today, as I write these words, I feel like I need to talk to you.
I am in pain.
Mostly physical pain but am sure much of it is rooted in emotional pain as well but mostly physical in nature.
I have headaches on a monthly basis, usually migraine and usually hormonal but manageable.
Nothing my sumatriptan couldn’t take care of here and there.
Since 2005 I have dealt with migraines, some months better than others but nothing like the month I am having.
I have tried oils, massage therapy, changed my diet, basically anything and everything.
I will be at my doctors’ office on Monday morning for the first time and until then I am praying that she won’t just tell me it’s in my head.
Because I just can’t do it anymore.
I have gone through a lot of crap over the past 15 years and I am still here.
Weary but here.
But this is bringing me to my knees, literally.
When you are in pain you can’t enjoy life.
I am not enjoying the simple things like watching the Real Housewives on DVR after the kids go to bed or getting a hot chocolate with whipped cream.
Because when I am not in pain, I am constantly worrying about when the pain will be back.
And when I am in pain, I am not in a good place.I have days where I stare out the window and wonder why I am going through this.
Is it a life lesson?
Is it my fault?
Am I causing my own pain?
WHY WHY WHY????
|The M’s are days with migraines. The H’s are days with headaches. This is the most depressing journal ever.|
My kids are tired of seeing me in pain, my seven-year-old talks about “migrians” like it is a common cold.
“Do you have a migrian today, mommy?”
My almost 15 year old found me sobbing in the shower last weekend, I had the doors shut but apparently, I was louder than I realized.
Hugging me, wet and naked as my body heaved with emotional vomiting was a moment she won’t soon forget, I am sure.
It has been really shitty.
I try to make light of life, for the most part, try to get through each day with something to make me laugh but this is something that is bringing me down so hard, sometimes I honestly don’t think I can get up again.
I actually said to my mom on the phone last week, ” if it takes ten years off my life to make the pain go away, I don’t even care anymore”.
That isn’t me.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
My daughters and husband don’t know what to do, as amazing as they are, I don’t know what I would do without them.
Yesterday, I woke up with another headache after going to bed with one the night before.
To say I woke up low is an understatement.
My youngest had been sick the previous day so I had her stay home this day as well.
It was a gray late January day, I was in pain and my youngest was asking, at 7:30 am “WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TODAY?!?!”
She should have gone back to school, in hindsight, but I wanted to make sure she was 24 hours from illness before sending her back.
When my husband was leaving for work, I clung to his jacket and sobbed.
Like, heaving sobs.
I feel so awful for sending him to work a 14 hour day like that.
It wasn’t my finest moment.
No, telling my sweet seven-year-old daughter who had a taste for a muffin from Panera that “I called them and they sold out of all the desserts today” was my least finest moment.
I have been begging God, the Universe, anyone who will listen up there, to help me help myself.
I know you up there aren’t giving me the pain I am feeling down here but please, I am begging you, help me.
I started to doubt.
I started to question, I am ashamed to admit.
Why, why, why?
An hour after my husband left, the phone rang and it was my mom, responding to a very alarming text from me, I am sure.
Something like, I can’t take it anymore or I want my mommy.
I used to hide any negative feelings, especially to my mom who is far away because honestly, I didn’t want to worry her.
She is 11 hours away, there is nothing realistically she can do, I will be better eventually, why worry her?
I am at the point in my pain where I can’t hide it anymore.
And I am so glad I didn’t.
We had an hour conversation, we cried, we talked, we hoped, we wished.
We told each other, in between sobs, how much we loved each other, how we wished to GOD we lived close and how we can’t wait, literally can’t wait to see each other.
Stuff we usually say but this conversation was different.
It was deep and emotional and really, really real.
I got off the phone, turned on some 80’s music, turned on every light in the house at noon and made snickerdoodles for Ella and me.
OK mostly for me, but she loved them too.
The same snickerdoodle recipe I made when I was in 4-H in 6th grade.
I felt like it was 1982 all over again.
It was healing, having my mom’s words in my heart, my 4-H cookies in my belly, my childhood music in my ears.
It was around two in the afternoon when the doorbell rang.
Ella sprang to get it and I whispered “NOOOOO”.
The other day, when I had a migraine, of course, a salesman for a window company came and had me standing in the cold with an ice pack on my head, making a decision to get new windows for our home.
I have lost the ability to reason with this month-long tour ‘o pain.
So I stood there, talking to his boss on his phone, trying to figure out a day when I would be home to have a “free estimate”.
“NOOOOOO” I whispered, “don’t answer it!”
It rang two more times.
Then a knock.
WHAT THE FRESH HELL GET A CLUE ALREADY!!!
Then I worried, was it a neighbor who needed help?
Did a child lose their key off the school bus?
I finally answered it and saw a woman taping a note to my door.
It was a flower delivery van.
And the woman looked like the mom of one of my childhood friends.
I literally bawled as she handed me the flowers.
She probably thought, this poor woman never gets flowers. There there.
As soon as I saw it was tulips, I knew it was from my husband.
And I sobbed yet again.
It was while I was in the glow of the flowers that my 14-year-old came home.
I was so happy to see her and showed her the flowers and told her about the phone call.
While she was eating a snickerdoodle, she noticed the note on the flowers and said: “Aww he is a keeper”.
That made me laugh and as I was laughing the doorbell rang again.
It was a package.
My 14-year-old said who it was from and I knew.
I opened it to find Ohio in the box.
My friend Vikki is so special.
I wrote a post about her that pertained to Flat Kari but never got to publish it because I couldn’t upload the pictures but here is an excerpt because I really want her to read this:
My dear friend Vikki inspires me.
She is special to me, I think she knows she is but I am using this public forum to announce it.
She sends me care packages from my sweet little Ohio hometown here and there.
She will message me on Facebook with something so amazingly random and loving that it sends me through my day with a smile.
You know the goofy smile that people go, “my GOODNESS what is that woman ON? And can she give me some?”.
Inside the box were little things from home that meant a huge deal to me.
Flyers from places I love.
A newspaper from my home area.
A box of love is what it was.
The thing is, she had no idea I was going through the month of hell.
I normally tell my friends what is going on in my life but for some reason, the more I talked about this, the more real it became.
I didn’t want my life to be full of pain talk, quite honestly.
I wanted to preserve some relationships in my life with just talk of life not of pain if that makes sense.
This day, the talk with my mommy, the cookies while listening to Purple Rain, the flowers, the box of love, all of it was a huge sign that I am not alone.
I am very much not alone and it is clear that I have angels among me.
Thank you to everyone who messaged me and texted me after reading my call for sympathy on Facebook yesterday.
With every ding of my text or message coming in via Facebook, I had tears streaming down my face.
I love all of you and I want to get better.
If you are in pain, or suffering of any kind, please stop holding it in.
Because you are really hurting yourself and the people around you.
You made a difference yesterday, a life-changing difference and I will never forget it.