Humor, Life, Motherhood

My Baby Story Wouldn’t Make It to TLC. Animal Planet, Maybe?

2020 note- The next two weeks of reblogs will be about connecting two stories. This post is about Anna’s birth story which I wrote as a submission for a book that was being written back in 2015 titled, “It’s Really 10 Months“. 

The piece that I originally submitted was horrible. I have since edited it considerably, so the post you are reading today is not at ALL the piece the three authors had originally read, so keep that in mind while you are reading it. 

Also, this piece didn’t make the cut because it was poorly written but I was bitter about it, which is why I am going to be sharing the public email and letter to the authors that I wrote on my blog, next Friday. Because I think it is important to admit publicly when you are wrong.

And I was wrong. 


First published September 9, 2015

When I was a young adult and I began to think about having babies, I always focused on one thing: the pain.
When it wasn’t the vomiting.
Pain and vomiting.
Vomiting and pain.
That is all I could wrap my little head around.
I mean, I was neurotic enough about having sex for the first time because I knew there would be pain.
And I might have been a little afraid there could be some vomiting involved as well.
My mom was always very open, honest, and loving about what childbirth was really like when I would ask all sorts of questions. She told me all about the feelings she had while pregnant with me. The excitement, nausea, the weight gain, the throwing up all over the parking lot of their apartment building because she couldn’t make it up the stairs in time because of morning sickness, which ironically, happened to be in the afternoon.
But she was always very laid back when talking about all of it and always brushed it off, probably because she knew me and my anxiety.
“Oh it’s not that bad, you forget the nausea and pain once you look into your beautiful baby’s eyes, Kari!” 
“Really”.
“I promise.”

I am also sure she was quite frank for many other reasons, one of which was so that I wouldn’t end up knocked up by the time I was 15.
It worked, by the way.
Scaring the ever-loving bejeezus out of her teenage daughter by telling her, in full detail about her mucus plug and bloody show.
I would later, always envision my mother walking away while rubbing her hands together and saying. “yep, that oughta do it”.
Ewww pregnancy

That “did it” alright.
I was 29 years old when I felt like I was finally ready to face that mucus plug scenario.
I bought the books! I started taking folic acid! I practiced my gag reflex! I was ready to be plugged and bloody showed!

Er……anyway, I had this!

Why yes, I am a grown woman wearing overalls. One month into my pregnancy (September 1999)

One month into my new pregnancy, I was getting a tiny bit cocky after not having a single gagging episode or food aversion.
Please, morning sickness must be for babies, I reasoned.
No offense, mom but you must not be as strong as I am.
Look at me kicking ass at pregnancy!

Thirty-one days into my pregnancy, the Universe heard and morning sickness began.
From dawn until dusk.
And not only nausea but the kind that makes you feel like you are on the verge of vomiting but not quite there.
Just enough to make you feel completely miserable but not enough to let you stay home in bed all day.
Day 33 is when the dry heaves started appearing.

Randomly.
Only, I worked at a department store, on a sales floor, all day long.
FAR FROM A BATHROOM.

It was on day 37 when, after throwing up all over my laundry room floor in the middle of the day after absolutely nothing triggered it, that I had a realization: WHY ISN’T MOTHER’S DAY EVERY FUCKING DAY OF THE YEAR?
Also? All embarrassment is thrown out the window during pregnancy.
I mean, if you have ever gagged and dry heaved at the smell of an Auntie Anne pretzel then, in turn, had to run and throw up into a potted plant at the mall?
Well, the rest of life is a piece of cheesecake.

Ugh, don’t mention cheesecake.


Ran to the bathroom to barf after this picture was taken. (October 1999)

After getting through the rough first trimester, the rest of the pregnancy was relatively smooth.
So by the end of my pregnancy, the cocky monster once again reared its ugly head.
I was working retail on my feet all day, five days a week so I was feeling pretty proud of myself and figured I deserved to boast a little.
Umm, where is the “hard part”?
HELLO??
Hmph.
The Universe, yet again, listened.

This is the point of pregnancy where you don’t GAF anymore. Eyes closed? Just take the Goddamned picture already. (November 1999)

Week 42 of the average 40-week pregnancy, I was still pregnant and by then, pissed off.
That will teach me to shut my stupid mouth.
It was when I finally bribed a doctor with a Visa gift card and Portillo’s cake (YES I KNOW THAT ISN’T HOW IT WORKS) when they finally decided to strip my membranes to get the process started.
Never in my life would I ever be excited for someone to “strip” any part of my “membranes” but this was making me so giddy that I think we actually went out to celebrate at TGI Friday’s that night after the actual “stripping”.
Stupid, naive first timer’s that we were, we actually thought that meant we were going into labor that night.


Nothing says the holidays like a maternity panel photo shoot in front of the Christmas tree. Merry Christmas, Shitter’s full. (December 1999)

 

NOPE, STILL KNOCKED UP.

Finally a week later after absolutely nothing happened, they decided to have me admitted to the hospital to be induced because this baby was not interested in joining us.
Let me say this, I enjoyed my pregnancy, with the exception of the vomiting in plants and dry heaving randomly, with every bit of my being.
It was such a wonderful time of my life.
Until now.
It needed to end.
Kind of like a Christmas office party.
You have an amazing time with the all you can eat buffet and endless alcohol but as the night grows on, it just becomes too much.
And by the end, someone ultimately gets a little too drunk and starts singing “Without You” like Bridget Jones wearing a sad party hat.

My unborn baby was Bridget Jones at the end of the Christmas party.


GET OUT OF MY UTERUS, BRIDGET (THERE GOES THAT NAME. JUST KIDDING) (March 2000)

After 20 hours of induced labor that never went anywhere, my first baby was born via C-section. It was a long story and that was why it wasn’t picked for the book, most likely. I am quite chatty, as we all know. Here is the best part. 

 

I promise to take care of you forever. I can’t promise that I will be able to do good hair.

 

Isn’t she great? Yeah, I think so too.

When I was finally allowed back into my hospital room the night my Anna Grace was born a few hours after my first ever surgery, there was some mystery surrounding that evening.

I remember there being a mysterious glow in my hospital room that night when I returned. I don’t remember all the details of that evening but I remember this like it happened this morning. I was holding my newborn baby girl and there was this glow that I will never forget, like a soft lamp glow that illuminated the entire room in this soothing glow, which is the only way to describe it. It was this comforting glow that I can’t quite explain but I began to tell everyone about it the next day and tried to recreate it in the room the following night to no avail.
Everyone thought I was crazy as I described it over and over to anyone who would listen. The nurses looked at me as though I was crazy and probably thought it was all those meds I was on to recover from the pain and to this day, I still can’t explain the “glow” other than it was the drugs from surgery.


But part of me, a huge part of me. really wants to believe it was Heaven that night. That Heaven opened up a little into our room that night and all the angels of past relatives were surrounding us to get a peek at the newest arrival. To visit my little Anna Grace and see her for themselves.

I still choose to believe that story because it’s a good one, no?


I have never loved anyone in my life like I love my children. I love my husband so deeply but it is a totally different kind of love, one that has developed over time. But the first time I met him, I didn’t immediately love him. I grew to love him over time even though I have always called him my soul mate.

But my children, my children I have loved even before I met them. I was madly and deeply involved since the moment the stick on the pregnancy test showed two lines. It is a love affair that I am so lucky to be part of.

And it really is worth a little pain and vomiting.

17 thoughts on “My Baby Story Wouldn’t Make It to TLC. Animal Planet, Maybe?”

  1. I love this!! You are such a cute pregnant lady!! I feel like I just got to know you so much better. You have such a unique way of evoking so many emotions in your writing and your reader. ❤️?

    Like

  2. I love your pregnancy story! After what I went through with my first pregnancy (I had hyperemesis gravidarum and was hospitalized twice for it), I’m surprised I did it again. My aunt even begged me after Philip was born, “Please don’t ever do that again.” lol

    But I did. And I’m glad I did. The second time around wasn’t as bad. And then I wouldn’t have my Timothy ~ which I can’t even imagine.

    The ironic thing about pregnancy and childbirth…we think it’s so hard. And it is. But that turns out to be the easy part. 😉

    xoxo

    Like

  3. What is it with these late babies? My son was two weeks late and they went ahead and induced since I wasn’t the least bit dilated. He was late then and is always running late now 🤔

    Liked by 1 person

    1. THAT IS FUNNY! My oldest is usually on time BUT she had a big head, so that is why she didn’t come out. 😉
      Now my second would have been early and I did dilate two weeks early with her but I had a c-section with her as well because I was worried about a VBAC. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol!

        We had so many issues come up while I was pregnant with my daughter that they told me to pack my bag when I was 24 weeks pregnant and be ready for her to come any time. It was like omg! She ended up being delivered by c-section a week early. She was breach and with everything else thought it’d be safest.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Mine were both a week early. I describe the two births as heaven and hell (and I know that seems mean to say, but by the time my son came out, I was naked, sweating, and screaming while the doctor inserted forceps the size of forearms into a space that was having trouble passing the size of a grapefruit). I feel like my son was ripped out of me, as he held firmly to the womb, and my daughter gracefully emerged making the clouds part, and the angels sing. Ugh, I’m still traumatized from my son’s birth!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know I shouldn’t laugh but I busted out laughing at the naked and sweating part. I AM SUCH A BAD FRIEND. But if you would have told me about your son’s birth, I would have been traumatized too and not quite sure I would have had kids after. In my book, I talk about going to the gynecologist for the first time and that I didn’t go until I was 22 because I was afraid after my high school friend told me a traumatic story.
      It was pretty bad.
      Not as bad as your birth story but close.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re a good friend FOR LAUGHING! Means you get me ♥️ Also to make the story even better, my mother-in-law was in the room with us. Thought she was going to witness the miracle of her first grandkid being born. Instead she tried to avert her eyes when I ripped my gown off 😂
        I’m sorry to hear about your friend ♥️

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I had literally no morning sickness with my first (though plenty of complications during labor and delivery ending with a D&C with little to no pain meds since it was an emergency) but with my middle son I was sick ALL the time for 9 full months. I barely gained 20 lbs the entire time!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Isn’t that funny (not at all funny) how different pregnancies are??
      My first pregnancy I gained less than 30 pounds and had morning sickness only the first trimester.
      My second pregnancy I had morning sickness all nine months and gained almost 50 pounds. How is that even possible when I was throwing up the entire time? 😂

      Like

      1. OMG! That’s awful. The only thing that kept me cheery with the second pregnancy was knowing that I could eat whatever I wanted and not have to worry about gaining weight. LOL. I knew I was just going to throw it up anyway so bring on the desserts.

        Liked by 1 person

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