Family, Humor, Life

My Baby Story: More Animal Planet Than TLC

Kari

When I was a young adult thinking about having babies, I could only focus on one thing: the pain.
Or maybe the vomiting.
Pain and vomiting.
Vomiting and pain.
That’s all I could wrap my little head around.

I was neurotic enough about having sex for the first time because I knew there would be pain.
And, honestly, I was a little terrified there might be some vomiting involved too.

My mom was always very open, honest, and loving whenever I asked her all sorts of questions about childbirth.
She told me everything about how she felt while pregnant with me: the excitement, the nausea, the weight gain, and even the time she threw up all over the parking lot of their apartment building because she couldn’t make it up the stairs in time. Ironically, that morning sickness happened in the afternoon.

But she was always laid back about it all and brushed it off, probably because she knew me and my anxiety.

“Oh, it’s not that bad. You forget the nausea and pain once you look into your beautiful baby’s eyes, Kari!”
“Really?”
“I promise.”

I’m also pretty sure she was being frank for another reason: to make sure I didn’t end up knocked up by the time I was 15.
And it worked.

Scaring the ever-loving bejeezus out of her teenage daughter by telling her, in full, vivid detail about her mucus plug and bloody show?
I would always imagine my mother walking away afterward, rubbing her hands together and saying, “Yep, that oughta do it.”

Ewww pregnancy

That “oughta do it” definitely did the trick.
I was 29 years old when I finally felt ready to face the whole mucus plug scenario.

I bought the books.
I started taking folic acid.
I practiced my gag reflex.
I was ready to be plugged and bloody showed!

One month into my pregnancy (September 1999)

One month into my pregnancy, I was starting to get a little cocky.
Not a single gagging episode or food aversion yet.

Please, morning sickness must be for babies, I reasoned.
No offense, Mom, but you must not be as strong as I am.
Look at me, kicking ass at pregnancy!

But on day 31, the Universe heard me loud and clear, and morning sickness hit.
From dawn until dusk.

And not just nausea — the kind that makes you feel like you’re about to vomit but never quite get there.
Just enough misery to make you miserable but not enough to justify staying in bed all day.

Day 33: dry heaves started showing up.
Randomly.
And I was working on a sales floor in a department store.
FAR FROM A BATHROOM.

Then day 37 happened.
After throwing up all over my laundry room floor for no reason whatsoever, it hit me:

WHY ISN’T MOTHER’S DAY EVERY FREAKING DAY OF THE YEAR?

Also? All embarrassment goes out the window during pregnancy.

If you’ve ever gagged and dry heaved at the smell of an Auntie Anne pretzel — then had to sprint to throw up into a potted plant at the mall — well, the rest of life is a piece of cheesecake.

Ugh, don’t mention cheesecake.

I ran to the bathroom to throw up soon after this picture was taken. (October 1999)

After surviving the rough first trimester, the rest of my pregnancy went pretty smoothly.
So by the end, that cocky monster inside me popped back up again.

I was working retail, on my feet all day, five days a week, feeling pretty proud of myself.
I figured I deserved to brag a little.

This is the point in pregnancy when you just don’t give a f*** anymore. Eyes closed? Whatever. Just take the damn picture already.
(November 1999)

By week 42 of an average 40-week pregnancy, I was still pregnant—and honestly, pretty pissed off.
That should’ve taught me to keep my mouth shut.

Finally, I bribed a doctor with a Visa gift card and a Portillo’s cake (yes, I know that’s not how it’s supposed to work).

That’s when they agreed to strip my membranes to try to get things started.

I never thought I’d be excited for someone to “strip” part of my “membranes,” but I was so giddy that night we actually went out to celebrate at TGI Friday’s right after the procedure.

Stupid and naive first-timers that we were, we actually thought labor would start that very night.

Nothing says the holidays like a maternity panel photo shoot in front of the Christmas tree. Merry Christmas, shitter’s full. (December 1999)

NOPE. STILL KNOCKED UP.

A week later, after absolutely nothing happened, they finally admitted me to the hospital to be induced because this baby had zero interest in joining us.

Let me say this: I enjoyed my pregnancy with every fiber of my being—vomiting into plants and random dry heaving aside.
It really was a wonderful time in my life.

Until now.

It needed to end.

Kind of like a Christmas office party.

You have an amazing time with the all-you-can-eat buffet and endless drinks, but as the night drags on, it just becomes too much.

And by the end, someone inevitably gets a little too drunk and starts singing “Without You” like Bridget Jones wearing a sad party hat.

My unborn baby was Bridget Jones at the end of the Christmas party.

GET OUT OF MY UTERUS, BRIDGET (March 2000)

After 20 hours of induced labor that went absolutely nowhere, my first baby was born via C-section.

But here’s the best part.

I promise to take care of you forever.
I can’t promise I’ll be good at doing your hair.

Isn’t she great?

When I was finally allowed back into my hospital room the night Anna Grace was born — just a few hours after my first-ever surgery — there was a certain mystery surrounding that evening.

I don’t remember all the details, but one thing is as clear as if it happened this morning: I was holding my newborn baby girl, and there was this soft, soothing glow illuminating the entire room. It wasn’t just light — it was a comforting presence, something I can’t quite explain.

The next day, I told everyone about it and even tried to recreate the glow in the room the following night, but I never could.

People thought I was crazy. The nurses looked at me like it was just the meds from surgery playing tricks on my mind. And to this day, I still can’t explain that glow — maybe it really was the drugs.

But a huge part of me wants to believe it was something more — that Heaven opened a little that night, and all the angels of past relatives gathered to welcome Anna Grace, to see her for themselves.

I choose to believe that story.

I have never loved anyone in my life like I love my children. I love my husband so deeply but it is a totally different kind of love, one that has developed over time. But the first time I met him, I didn’t immediately love him. I grew to love him over time.

But my children, my children I have loved even before I met them. I was madly and deeply involved since the moment the stick on the pregnancy test showed two lines. It is a love affair that I am so lucky to be part of.

And it really is worth a little pain and vomiting.

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17 thoughts on “My Baby Story: More Animal Planet Than TLC”

  1. I love this!! You are such a cute pregnant lady!! I feel like I just got to know you so much better. You have such a unique way of evoking so many emotions in your writing and your reader. ❤️?

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  3. I love your pregnancy story! After what I went through with my first pregnancy (I had hyperemesis gravidarum and was hospitalized twice for it), I’m surprised I did it again. My aunt even begged me after Philip was born, “Please don’t ever do that again.” lol

    But I did. And I’m glad I did. The second time around wasn’t as bad. And then I wouldn’t have my Timothy ~ which I can’t even imagine.

    The ironic thing about pregnancy and childbirth…we think it’s so hard. And it is. But that turns out to be the easy part. ;-)

    xoxo

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    1. Oh wow! You had the bad throwups! I am surprised you did it again!! Right?? I am so glad you did it again. :)

      Yes, it was actually the easiest part of the process. You nailed it on the head. :)

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  4. What is it with these late babies? My son was two weeks late and they went ahead and induced since I wasn’t the least bit dilated. He was late then and is always running late now 🤔

    Liked by 1 person

    1. THAT IS FUNNY! My oldest is usually on time BUT she had a big head, so that is why she didn’t come out. ;)
      Now my second would have been early and I did dilate two weeks early with her but I had a c-section with her as well because I was worried about a VBAC. :(

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol!

        We had so many issues come up while I was pregnant with my daughter that they told me to pack my bag when I was 24 weeks pregnant and be ready for her to come any time. It was like omg! She ended up being delivered by c-section a week early. She was breach and with everything else thought it’d be safest.

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  5. Mine were both a week early. I describe the two births as heaven and hell (and I know that seems mean to say, but by the time my son came out, I was naked, sweating, and screaming while the doctor inserted forceps the size of forearms into a space that was having trouble passing the size of a grapefruit). I feel like my son was ripped out of me, as he held firmly to the womb, and my daughter gracefully emerged making the clouds part, and the angels sing. Ugh, I’m still traumatized from my son’s birth!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know I shouldn’t laugh but I busted out laughing at the naked and sweating part. I AM SUCH A BAD FRIEND. But if you would have told me about your son’s birth, I would have been traumatized too and not quite sure I would have had kids after. In my book, I talk about going to the gynecologist for the first time and that I didn’t go until I was 22 because I was afraid after my high school friend told me a traumatic story.
      It was pretty bad.
      Not as bad as your birth story but close.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re a good friend FOR LAUGHING! Means you get me ♥️ Also to make the story even better, my mother-in-law was in the room with us. Thought she was going to witness the miracle of her first grandkid being born. Instead she tried to avert her eyes when I ripped my gown off 😂
        I’m sorry to hear about your friend ♥️

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  6. I had literally no morning sickness with my first (though plenty of complications during labor and delivery ending with a D&C with little to no pain meds since it was an emergency) but with my middle son I was sick ALL the time for 9 full months. I barely gained 20 lbs the entire time!

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    1. Isn’t that funny (not at all funny) how different pregnancies are??
      My first pregnancy I gained less than 30 pounds and had morning sickness only the first trimester.
      My second pregnancy I had morning sickness all nine months and gained almost 50 pounds. How is that even possible when I was throwing up the entire time? 😂

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      1. OMG! That’s awful. The only thing that kept me cheery with the second pregnancy was knowing that I could eat whatever I wanted and not have to worry about gaining weight. LOL. I knew I was just going to throw it up anyway so bring on the desserts.

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