I can feel your excitement through the screen at the thought of reading this post.
But I seriously have no effin’ place to put these thoughts.
Don’t say “keep them to your damn self.”
Listen! You got the month of June off.
*Please don’t judge my Spanish. I can’t be left alone with Google Translate. Also, more languages to come throughout the year!
Numeros y pajaros
(Numbers and birds)
Some weird stuff has been going on around here.
I’ve been seeing this:
Every single day.
For a six to seven weeks.
On my phone, on the microwave, on the bedroom digital clock, on my car clock, on the treadmill.
Everywhere. Read here for the explanation.
I’ve also been seeing cardinals everywhere; in my yard, at the Culvers, flying right into my personal space in parking lots. Read here for that explanation.
Is “someone” trying to tell me something?
At first, I was worried that they were warning me of something. But I was having my migraine cycle for a month and when I get those, my anxiety isn’t as bad, so I wasn’t the typical amount of freaked.
I was in pain management mode.
But for real, it’s kind of cool even if I don’t know what all of it means.
Estoy tan emocionada que podría hacer caca en mis pantalones!!!
(I can’t wait!)
Coser eso en una almohada
(sew that on a pillow)
I say a lot of things over and over on the blog which have become my “catchphrases.”
-Putting the word “because” in front of things without a pronoun, preposition or other necessary parts of speech.
because life; because tacos; because John Hughes, etc.
-Saying “are you new here?”
But using the phrase “sew that on a pillow” is one that I have used most. Well, not as much as the aforementioned “because” because because is fun to say.
But it has been used a lot. So I found out what I have told you to sew on a pillow over the years, but it didn’t really make for a good single post.
THAT IS THE BEAUTY OF THE TATER TOT POST.
Wait! The whole reason I searched for my sew that on a pillow-isms is because I found this cool article about using Google to its full potential!
Did you know you can search a website (or blog) for certain phrases that the author has used within the history of said website (or blog)???
Search websites for keywords
Think of the “site:” function as a Google search that searches only a particular website. If you want to see every time TIME.com mentioned Google, use the search “Google site:TIME.com”.
Hence how I found my sew it on a pillow-isms, such as
1- Life is too short to have a piece of fabric ride up your ass.
2- You are only as good as your olive oil.
3- Life is too short to have an underwhelming door.
4- So eat your dietary fiber or you won’t poop.
5- But it’s even more fun to buy new shit.
6- No one is peeing in MY cup. This isn’t from my blog; Ella said it the other day, and it made me laugh.
Problemas de vacaciones del primer mundo
(first world vacation problems)
While in Destin this year, I awoke one morning and as I walked on the tile kitchen floor, I sleepily stated how there was sand all over it and how it was crunching on my feet and made them feel icky.
Mike laughed and said, “first world vacation problem,” and I started laughing BEFORE COFFEE EVEN, and it became something we did the entire vacation.
Point out ridiculous things we said because, at the end of the day, we weren’t at home paying bills and cleaning dog hair out of the vents.
Like, “there’s a chocolate chip stuck in my Frappuccino straw,” or “my pool noodle is causing rug burn in my armpits,” or “is it too much to friggin’ ask for a public sink with handles and not a sensor??”
We also play this hysterical game of looking for the worst physical version of ourselves and everyone we’ve ever known in actual other people wherever we go, but I won’t go into that.
We are a hoot, ask around.
Puto deber del Jurado
(f#$king jury duty)
After returning from vacation and first-world problems, I was confronted with a real-world problem: a letter from my county informing me that I needed to serve jury duty in a few weeks.
I should mention that I’ve had my driver’s license for around 30 years and that this is the first time I’ve ever been asked, excuse me, forced, to serve on a jury.
When you go pee for the first time since you started drinking, what do they call it? Breaking the seal? I believe I broke the seal, and as a result, I was summoned to jury duty for the first time in nearly 30 years.
Because last year (a year to the almost day I was to serve), I shared this on my Instagram account:
Notice exhibit A- the third hashtag down.
I’ve only been inside this courthouse six times before, and none of them were for jury duty. All of those occurrences were for divorce-related matters, which included both pre-divorce and post-divorce proceedings.
Six times in 16 years is “fantastic.” So fantastic, in fact, that the judge on our most recent appearance (mandated by the state) congratulated us for only being in her presence six times. We were good co-parents, putting the child first, blah blah blah.
What the judge didn’t realize was that going only six times was more about not wanting to go to the creepy courthouse and vagina sweat in front of a judge while sitting in a room full of people who hate each other than it was about being a decent co-parent.
The tension is PALPABLE.
I actually ended up getting really lucky with the actual jury duty. I only had to call in twice a day for the first two days, but not actually physically go in until day three. Then on day three, I spent a whopping 45 minutes there and got to go home. AND I won’t have to serve jury duty again for four years.
AND get this: I got paid.
A whopping 17 dollars.
Not a lot, but for someone who makes absolutely no money at this station in life AND got a morning away from cleaning the toilets, and listening to my kids’ bicker?
It was kind of like winning the lottery.
Veo que te gusta el blog, yo también me gusta el blog
(I see you like to blog; I too like to blog)
Random request (see, Tater Tot post)- leave me some new blogs to follow in the comments.
I have some amazing blogs I follow, but I want more. Proof that blogging is still alive and well, honestly.
What I am looking for- blogs similar to mine in that they like to laugh, have fun, occasionally make a dinner, swear (or not swear, that isn’t a deal-breaker), etc..
Also looking for blogs who have funny or punny names for an upcoming blog post.
Essentially, if you were a blogger, who would be on your Blogs I Follow list?
I want to start a really kick-ass blogger gang.
27 thoughts on “!A la Chingada! Estoy Comiendo Tater Tots- Parte Cuatro (Screw It! I’m Eating Tater Tots- Part Four)”
You guys ARE a hoot. You remind me so very much of my family growing up. Vacations were the best because of the running commentary more than anything else. Share those blogs when you find them. I need inspiration. Oh, to break free and blog what I REALLY want to say 😇🙄🤷🏻♀️ I do it in my head all, the. time. Then I sit down to type and become all goody goody. Help me Lord. 😆
If you ever need to just say what you REALLY want, creating a secret blog is ideal.
I also had a friend years ago who blogged and shared stories other bloggers couldn’t write about on their blogs.
I shared a story with her and she published it with aliases and it was so FREEING.
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Okay. Wait a second. How is creating a secret blog even possible these days? I think your friend blogging the stories others could not tell is genius.
Well, you can create it and not share it with anyone you know. That should have been in my first comment.
You also can’t use your name, so very spy-like. 🙂
OMG Jessie, you just gave me the best idea for a new series! Asking people to email things they want to say and I write them out in aliases etc..
The Stories They Could Not Tell. OH MY SHIT, THIS IS AMAZING.
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Oh yes!! DO IT!!!!
Working on it! And by “working on it”, I mean it’s on a post-it note on my desk. 🙂
I can’t wait. This is going to be awesome.
I didnt see Jim and Cindy in the BH90210 trailer?!
They moved to Hong Kong, remember?? 😉
Secret blogs…OMG, me and a blogging friend were just talking about that last week! I just might do it. Just for my own freement (yep, I just made that up) and entertainment. I’m thinking if I let anyone ever read it, I’d be horrified. I dunno. I have to think about this.
Anyway! I started saying “Put that in your pipe and smoke it” too often. It got old. So I just swear a lot instead.
If you do it, I want part. I gots things to SAY.
Swearing is always better. 😂
I have synchronicity thing with numbers all the time. Mine are usually 11:11 and 2:22, both am or pm. And as for jury duty (knock on wood) I hope I never get notified, don’t think I could do it.
I don’t believe in coincidences so the number thing is pretty cool.
KNOCK ON ALL THE WOOD, DEE.
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That 1:11 stuff was nuts. I think an angel is talking to you.
I guess I was not an avid 90210 watcher to get that photo, but hey I was just in Vancouver. That’s where the post is from, I think.
I took a bit of spanish in college and 3 yrs of french in high school. Sucked at both. I do not have the gene that makes you hear music/foreign language.
Your vacation ‘complaints’ sound hilarious. Our crew cannot get away with anything third world related whining or otherwise. The other people will call them out on it.
Courthouse: I have lost track of my, um- appearances. Traffic related. Mostly me, but Lad has required a few face to faces with judge sir. Have you read my post anmbout two years ago when he went out drinking night before court date and threw up on himself as I drove him to court? Sweet sweet memories. Any-who, I cannot lie, I lost my license for 7 painful weeks for too many speeding tickets. This was a nightmare situation that did lead to some hilarious posts.
Blogs I follow are listed to the side of my blog. Maybe you can do this, wink wink nudge nudge! I love the more, the messier- but she recently took a full time job and she only writes here and there. I wait anxiously for her next post. Book of June is hilarious and quirky. She posts daily during the week and has a comments section I can only dream of. RomComDoJo- I recently discovered and she is awesome at writing. Hilarious! Has gotten some great, laugh your butt off stories published lately. Noodlereux is the bomb, as you already know. Wish she wrote more often. There are a few others too. Some I am new to and as I think of the names I will update you.
An angel WAS talking to me! I feel so sorry for any angel trying to talk to me though. I am dense.
I took three years of French in high school and all I can say is j’emapelle Kari.
I need to go back and read those posts!
OMG, I just stalked your blog the other day and saw the blog roll you have! I am so honored to be on your blog roll, you have no idea. When other bloggers have me on the “roll”, it is honestly the same feeling I am sure as receiving an Oscar or Emmy.
You like me! You really like me! said in my best Sally Field accent.
Also, I am now following several of the blogs on your roll. Also, that sounded dirty.
“vagina sweat” I am DYING!
I got summoned for jury duty once, but I had a kid who wasn’t old enough to be in school and got out of it. Next time I’ll get out of it because of deafness, but I’ll have to get a doctor’s note for that I believe. I think it would be kinda neat, but don’t wanna screw up things because I missed hearing something haha
You could be all, WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY??? HEH????
My therapist said she could write me a note because I have diagnosed anxiety and it would put me over the edge. To be clear, she didn’t think it would put me over the edge but she likes me and wanted to get me out of jury duty. Now THAT’S a therapist.
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Ooh yeah she’s awesome! ❤️
And you should follow http://jolenemottern.wordpress.com if you aren’t already.
Done! Thank you!! 🙂
I clicked the link and it didn’t lead to anywhere so I googled it.
Is the blog called Joeyfully Stated?
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Yep that’s it, my bad!
No worries! Thanks for the new read! 🙂
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We must be sisters; vagina sweat and nervous pooping.
Actually, that could be a great blog name.
I DID have a secret blog many, many years ago. I used it to vent and tell real tales of my life…ones that would hurt my Mom’s feelings if she read them. It was good. But then I deleted it….but I did print most of my posts prior. I had many, many readers and it was quite liberating. I did cuss more in it too.
Then I started my current blog (2009?) mostly for my family/friends to keep up with us.
I don’t mention too much vagina sweating, but I could do days and days on nervous pooping, but then someone would probably send me to the Dr.
I LOVED 90210 back in the day. I wanted to be Kelly Taylor; pretty and a basic bitch.
Best of luck on NOT breaking the jury duty seal.
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OMG, I love your thinking!! Vagina Sweat and Nervous Pooping could be the name of my autobiography.
If you ever want to bring that secret blog back, I want in.
I feel like you and I would get along very well. Love, Vagina Sweating Nervous Pooper
I might actually sew “you’re only as good as your olive oil” on a pillow and give it to you for Christmas. Also I love the ‘because’. I’ve never actually heard your voice, but I hear your literary voice in those titles. And it’s wonderful.
Please never stop these posts, my love for them grows with each one!
OMG, you have no idea how cool that would be!!
It means so much that you can hear my voice in my words. I feel like most writers would feel the same way?
Every time I write them, I will always hear your voice telling me to. Thank you for that. 🙂