Anxiety, Life, Photography, Soul Homework, Writing

a year of selfies

Kari

in January, i mentioned that i wanted to start taking more selfies.

january

i don’t often like pictures of me. particularly in pictures taken by others. if memes and social media are any indication, i am not alone.

source

that same month, i was told that I looked pregnant. it was a sarcastic remark (and I’ve been called far worse), but it hurt my feelings and i struggled for months to let it go.

february

i only bring it up because there is often more beneath the surface of what we share. i think that many of us fight silent battles, believing that we are alone in our struggles, when in reality, we are not.

march

the observation about my body did have an effect on how i viewed myself in pictures. it influenced how and what I ate. i tried hard not to let it happen, but it did. it made me feel ashamed about my body.

april

i debated sharing this experience. it happened in the middle of winter, at a time when I was grieving.

may

despite the fact that i had all of you here, in this very public space, there are times when i don’t always feel entirely comfortable sharing everything.

june

it’s this delicate balance between feeling like i’m asking for your sympathy and genuinely wanting to sob with you on the virtual floor of my blog.

july

following mike’s leg injury in september, my selfie frequency decreased. i became preoccupied and over time depressed, which resulted in fewer selfies being taken.

august

then, my migraine doctor and i made the decision to change my antidepressants, which, in hindsight, wasn’t the best timing.

september

we decreased the dosage by 50 milligrams, and it became apparent that it wasn’t just the soul homework contributing to why i had been feeling so positive over the last three years.

october

so we increased it again.

i keep a lot of things to myself because i think what I’m going through is too much for you.

i’m too much.

november

in the coming year, i want to overcome that mindset.

here’s to more selfies in 2024.

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80 thoughts on “a year of selfies”

  2. I applaud you for having the courage to post so many selfies! I feel that’s an even more intimate form of sharing than a lot of the soul-baring stuff. My blog is pretty photo-heavy, but the one thing missing is pics of me.

    I say keep on posting ’em in 2024!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You are beautiful inside and out & I’ve always thought this beauty shows in your glowing selfies.

    When you wrote “I’m too much” I got freakin chills. I’ll tell you why – a YouTuber I love had a discussion with another YouTuber about being “too much”. People in the past has told them both they were “too much”. So they made themselves small. They curtailed their personalities, opinions, thoughts to fit in. And they felt themselves steadily disappear.

    Their realization? Anyone who tells them that their natural personalities are “too much”? Well those people can “go find less elsewhere ”

    I sorta love that idea. If you don’t like me as I am, well you can go find less – less empathy, less openness, less insight, less desire to have meaningful conversations, less sharing – you can go find less elsewhere.

    (*To be clear, I’m not dismissing healthy boundaries. I think you’re right that online is not real life & you can’t share everything. And real life relationships also need healthy boundaries. But I think some people are wired to need deep thinking, deep friendships and that is…. not fashionable right now I think.)

    You are not too much. You are fabulous. You are uniquely insightful. You are brave. You are genuine. And I appreciate what you can share on this public space. I appreciate you so much. ❤️

    Liked by 8 people

    2. Is the YouTuber Elyse Meyers? Because, if you just compared me to her, I am in love with you. To be clear, I was already in love with you. But now I’m forming a Maddie Fan Club.

      I really need all of you to move into my neighborhood. So, start looking at properties, okay? That’s a healthy boundary, no?

      I also believe we should have a discussion about post-covid burnout because no one is talking about it. Is it just me, or do people seem numb-er? This in part makes me feel like I’m too much.

      I appreciate you so much. I hope you know this in your soul. I really, really do. You mean so much to me. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      3. Kari I adore you. You are good for my soul ❤️

        Never heard of that YouTuber but now I have to look her up! Yay new content!

        If moving means hanging out in your light filled room watching birds while the dogs make adorable snuffling sounds I am so there ❤️

        Yah covid burnout.

        I feel like everyone is exhausted. Also feel many people feel like something big has died/ended.

        Endings naturally lead to something new (hopefully positive?)… but I don’t feel like we’re easily, readily moving forward to something new.

        That spins out as frustration, exhaustion, feeling powerless bc we can’t mourn the old, heal and then move/look forward to the new. I feel like we’re all stuck with a grimy, tattered, never ending to do list, the purpose of which became pointless long ago.

        Upbeat, no? 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Ella would love to have you as a neighbor as well. I haven’t even mentioned the farm she has created here. We are up to eight animals now. I should write a post…

        “Something big has died or ended.” Yes! And I don’t think we mourned it properly. We moved on too fast. I think moving on is healthy, but that grieving is also important.

        I think that Americans have a very negative attitude toward death, endings, and so on. I believe that because we had a front-row seat to Covid, we witnessed so much death that we don’t want to talk about it. It’s like being in an awful car accident and never talking about it.

        But it’s important! How else can we recover? That’s it! We haven’t recovered!

        Like

      5. About the numbness –

        Are you numb bc you’re emotionally shutdown? I’ve seen this with horses. For the horse I got who arrived shutdown, I listened & responded. He had a friend in me & it was a partnership between us.

        He was numb/shutdown bc he had existed for so long in a situation where his feelings, his wants did not matter/were not heard. Not talking “after school special” level abuse… his needs were met but low grade and constant devaluing… It wears

        Under that numbness, he had a lot of emotions. But he’d shutdown to protect himself. He went internal

        Dunno if this resonates but that’s what I thought when you said numb. Like – are you numb or do you have lots of complex emotions buried deep within that you’ve disconnected from bc… reasons?

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Like, we’re not as sad about things? For example, less shocked by tragic events. Not as motivated to help others. We’re stuck in our own lives. That makes sense?

        I LOVE HOW WE’RE BOTH ONLINE AT THE SAME TIME!

        Like

      7. Ha! ME TOO! It is like you’re live streaming!

        EIGHT? Pictures needed!!! Aww. I’d love that too. Yah I always feel like Ella and I are so similar. I’m a blog Auntie 😀

        Ah. What you write totally click. Yah to numbess. If you ask yourself why you feel that way – why less shocked, less motivated… what is the reply you hear?

        Liked by 1 person

      8. You are the best blog auntie! She would love you. Yes, eight. Two birds, one hamster, and three guinea pigs. The guinea pigs were rescued from a hoarding situation. They are a mother and her two daughters.

        That is an excellent question. I am going to sit with it for a while. 🖤

        Like

      9. Have you noticed how sitting with a question — you’ll find you had the answer all along or you’ll immediately stumble across the perfect answer in a book passage, poem, article, vid, blog? Love that. Like a hug from the universe.

        Omg! Guinea pigs!!!! Guinea pigs munching and contentedly chortling or their cute lil squeeks is my fav. They’re so lucky you guys rescued them!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Kari, I’m so sorry you’ve struggled so much, but I’m glad you have this safe space to share. I love seeing your selfies and every time I do, my first thought is that you look VERY youthful. Like you’re in high school. And maybe part of it is that you and I share so many things in common, many that date back to the 80’s for me. I love that about us! We would have been besties back then.

    I also am hesitant to post my true feelings on my blog sometimes. I don’t want to be a Negative Nellie. I’m also cognizant that there are readers who are coming from different backgrounds, etc. who might not understand or possibly be offended. My husband and I both have extremely difficult relationships with extended family, which I mention, but don’t detail. All that to say, it’s probably not all rainbows and unicorns with most of us, so sister, we get it! XO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad too. I JUST KNOW WE WOULD’VE BEEN BESTIES. That’s why we’ve connected through those songs. 🖤

      Isn’t it sometimes hard to know what to post? Some days I just want to write about bidets (post to come), and other days I want to cry on the floor with you all because someone said something hurtful. I wish we all lived closer together. We could have a massive bitch session. 🤣💕🖤

      Like

  6. Kari, I LOVE the sign the women in that first photo is holding. LOL!!!!! Stellar!

    “… because there is often more beneath the surface of what we share. i think that many of us fight silent battles, believing that we are alone in our struggles, when in reality, we are not.”

    That is so true! And it’s even true of people who are addicted to having their picture taken.

    Faaaaabulous selection of photos. And do you know what I love about all of them? You look so comfortable and natural with yourself. None of these are “posey” or covered with an Instagram filter. Also, you have such a great smile. Your light (and energy) shine from within.

    When I was acting professionally for 30 years, I preferred doing theater over film because in theater, you are always in the moment and totally unaware of what you look like (or act like). Whereas in film, you start to become way too aware while watching yourself, which very often leads to self-conscious acting techniques. For me, theater always felt more organic and less self-conscious. And in acting, that’s important because you have to forget about yourself to embody someone else.

    Thanks so much for sharing your selfies, my friend! Rock on in 2024!

    X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I loved that sign too!

      I love that you see a light from within. That is a huge compliment, my Reiki friend. 😘💕

      YES! This is why I like the theater more than movies.

      Thank you, my friend. xoxo

      Like

  7. All I see when I look at these is your big beautiful smile. Be the person you want to be and to Hell with everyone else. Social media can be a cesspool of negativity and falsehoods. No one’s life is perfect, we all struggle.
    Remember, you’re not too much, you’re just you.
    And that’s just the right amount…
    ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Great job to keep working at your goal. I find that the more I take photos of me the more comfortable I become in front of the camera… though I still don’t love it. I remember a girl saying that to me in high school– the memory is so clear I could tell you who she was, where we were standing, and even what outfit I was wearing. I’m sure she thought nothing of her comment but for someone who was already battling an eating disorder that just pushed me over the top. I never did wear that dress ever again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are an inspiration. Your selfies are so good.

      Oh, Joanne! I am so sorry! I understand completely how that must’ve made you feel. Knowing where you were standing and everything. 😘

      Like

  9. Maddie pretty much said exactly what I want to say (and I’m not supposed to be in front of a screen, so I’ll keep it brief). I’ll just add: Fuck anyone who makes you feel small by making you feel too big or too anything (sad, mad, weird, giddy). (Although, I totally get it. Truly. I know that just because our head knows something, it doesn’t mean our feelings do.) Also: I love your selfies.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m seeing and responding to your comment before Maddie’s, …I love how you used the word fuck in my comment section. This made my day. ❤️

      When I hit the publish button, I wish we were all sitting next to me at one giant table. Having all of you sitting next to me would significantly decrease my anxiety. Let’s get to work on that in 2024. No pressure. 

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’d love to sit at that table. I did pause for a nanosecond about using that word, but I knew it would be OK :-) I appreciate your vulnerability in this post. Sometimes people write things that feel like oversharing, but this was just the right kind. It’s hard to know where the boundaries should be, isn’t it?

        Liked by 1 person

  10. You are never, ever too much for me, Kari. Never! So if you ever just want to talk, I am here. Even if you want to chat on the phone, or dm, or facetime, or anything, I will be here.
    I am so sorry someone said something so mean to you. I would also have a hard time moving past that. I have had people remark on my appearance in the past, and those remarks have thrown me off for months, sometimes years. It’s really hard, someone’s two-second thoughtless (or thought-out, but mean) comment can affect us for so long.
    I am SO glad your medication is fixed now. Thank god for medicine and for science that brings us that medicine. Also – soul homework! They work together.
    Now, for the important part: the selfies. Kari, these selfies made me so happy. So very happy! It makes me want to do a yearlong selfie project as well. I mean, I probably could do that right now *checks phone* but I love the idea of doing it with intention. Every time I see your face it makes me so very happy. xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so kind, Nicole. I am here for you too. Any time.

      I cried more than I care to admit about it, and it took me months to get over it. But I wanted to share it here because I sometimes appear to be healed and in good mental shape when I am far from it. Life is a journey, and these minor roadblocks are something else. Whoo-boy.

      ME TOO. I cannot raw dog life. Cheers to those who are! I really wish I could. But now that I’m on medication, I’m a much more pleasant person to be around.

      Please do a yearlong project. It was so much fun, and I plan on doing it again next year. I think the world deserves to see more of us in it. Don’t you?

      (By the way, I’m thinking of you as I watch the sun set here. It is 4:37.❤️)

      Like

  12. Wonderful selfies, Kari! I feel like your personality shines in them. I’m a bit shite at taking selfies, and I am usually the one taking photos so am not in many. And of those, I like to think the woman holding the sign speaks for me.

    I totally get what you mean about body shaming and am so sorry you were subjected to that abuse. As a guy who worked in an office all my career, and very long hours at it, I didn’t take enough exercise and carried a bit of extra weight around the middle. And while better fitness has helped post-retirement, a friend actually said I needed to get rid of my “baby bump.” I felt shamed and conscious of his comment every time I picked up a fork to eat. Took some therapy to lessen that, but his cruelty is still there occasionally in those dark corners where the dust likes to accumulate. I know that’s pretty mild compared to what women go through regularly, and I feel so terrible that this happens in our society.

    Thank you for sharing your self with us and doing it in such a “grace full” way, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m usually the one taking the photos, which is why I’ve decided to take more selfies! I remember reading an article written by a daughter whose mother had died and who couldn’t find many pictures of her mother. That made me so sad. As for the sign holder, I don’t think she speaks for you because I think the sign holder is speaking for intentionally shitty picture takers. You don’t seem to be that kind of person. ❤️

      I’m truly sorry, Steve. It hurts! I needed to feel that hurt completely before it went away, but I still carry a little of it in habits that I hope will fade over time. But I’m glad I brought it up here so we can talk about it.

      Thank you for taking the time to read and share your story. I appreciate you being vulnerable today. I see you. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ah, yes, that’s a good point re: the sign holder!

        That’s a powerful story about the daughter and mother. I’d better get practising!

        Thank you for commiserating and for leading the way on the discussion. It’s an important one, especially for young girls who are the most likely to be affected, in our culture.

        A wonderful post, thank you. 🤗❤️🙏🏼

        Liked by 1 person

  13. You are beautiful with the best smile ever and I love your selfies! I don’t usually read comments but for some reason I did and have to say, you received such great feedback, so many things I agree with. The “too much” thing is something that resonates with me too. I often think that about myself. It was comforting to hear how many others do too. I never see you that way. I am sooo grateful for you and your posts!😘❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  16. With two pictures on your acupressure mat, I’m assuming you like it, but I want to hear more!! I’ve been thinking about one for the last few months. Do I jump on the bandwagon?

    That teal color in March is a VERY good color for you.

    Finally, thank you for sharing a little bit about your selfie struggles over the last year. I hope 2024 is gentler with you.

    Also – you aren’t too much for the right people. Or for yourself. I’m learning this too. Maybe we can work on it together.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Buy one! My migraine doctor recommended it to me. Everyone at the office has one! My physical therapist also recommended it. It’s helped with my headaches.

      Thank you so much. By the way, I’ve been missing you. I was sorry to discover that your blog disappeared. I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to reach out. But I’m happy that you’re here.

      And, yes, let’s work on it together. 😘❤️

      Like

      1. Things have been a little crazy here since July and the focus has gotten narrow. We’re doing okay, but we’ve had some big priority shifts. I’ve been reading posts, but I’m trying to stop lurking and start commenting!

        Yes, the blog is done. My plan is to print the blog into a book for myself and then shut it down. Thanks for thinking of me!! Nothing much to report on that front, just a shift in available time.

        Liked by 1 person

  17. We all pick and choose what to share. Sometimes I’m still processing something, or I worry I won’t get desired comments, or I worry I’ll get undesired advice, or…, or…, or…

    I love the selfie idea! I can’t stand my selfies but maybe that would help me get over it.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. I love this selfie idea! As a practice it’s reflective literally and soul-wise, to use your excellent term. Although I’m not sure what you mean by being “too much” for your readers. I’m new here, but the established ones seem more than willing to get to know the real, complicated you. I am, for sure.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And, I just read the comments and see that I’m not adding anything new here (and have actually said the exact same phrase as the commenter above me). I’ll continue that trend though but also saying that you look beautiful in your selfies! Your smile for sure, but in the ones where you’re not smiling, your soul work shows through. The beauty of hard work.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I regret using the phrase “too much” in this space because no one here has ever made me feel this way. This year has been a doozy in terms of circumstances, and I haven’t always been able to write about them. So, navigating that has been difficult, if that makes sense?

      This year was made a lot more enjoyable by the selfies. ❤️

      Like

  19. You are not too much. Goodness – you are who you are. I hate that someone said something and hurt your feelings. What is WRONG with people? My sister, Ann, has always acted like I am ‘too much.’ She asks me something and then puts her hand up to stop me from completing my response, as in THAT’S ENOUGH, YOU CAN STOP THERE, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS TELL ME THE WHOLE STORY. That’s just not nice and I can’t change who I am. I think it’s important to stick with the people who appreciate who you are. You look beautiful and happy in your selfies – love the one with Biscuit. ;) It is hard to know what to share in the blog world. I sometimes worry if a post (or a string of posts) are too focused on tough stuff or not light and fluffy enough, but sharing you and being surrounded with supportive blog friends hopefully makes a difference.

    xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I understand how it feels to be shut down. It hurts to be unable to express your entire truth, doesn’t it?

      My favorite is the one with the Biscuits. ❤️

      I’ve been thinking about you lately. I hope you’re doing okay. Sending you a hug. 😘

      Like

      1. Reg is having a hard time. The damage has been done. He’s back on the team, but there are things and those don’t seem to be fixable. It’s really hard. I’m amazed that he goes to school everyday and doesn’t ask to skip. Hard to believe that my own sisters haven’t reached out. Not a peep. Meanwhile, people we know and haven’t seen in years, coaches from teams in the past, etc. – those people are all reaching out. Taking it a day at a time. So much to try to get done in the next week – big distraction.

        It does suck to have someone feign interest, but only to the extent that they want to be interested. After that, they disengage, eye roll – seriously? So thoughtless.

        Liked by 1 person

  20. Oh, Kari, this made me tear up. People can be so cruel and stupid. I admire you so much for your selfie project. I don’t mind pictures of myself in my personal photo album, but I have a really hard time posting one online.

    I saw the greatest quote from Maggie Lancioni from “Therapy with Maggie.”

    “Contrary to society’s beliefs- our body is NOT the most important thing about us.
    Let’s normalize NOT commenting on people’s bodies!
    Here are a handful of compliments that are NOT about physical appearance.
    “You make me laugh”
    “You have such great energy”
    “You are so understanding”
    “You’re such a great friend”
    “You inspire me”
    “I appreciate your kind heart”
    “Your passion is contagious”
    “You’re so talented at _______”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I grew up during a time when talking about weight was so easy. When I saw one of my female friends who appeared to have lost weight, I would say, “You lost weight! “You look fantastic!” Now that I think about it, that statement is not very nice. Being told I looked pregnant changed my how I was thinking. So complimenting others on their humanity is such a lovely thing to do. Thank you so much for sharing this, Michelle. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Someone sarcastically told you that you looked pregnant?! Well, guess what. That someone has an ugly attitude. And is hurting, so lashing out at others. I’m sorry it was you that took the brunt. Of course it hurt your feelings and I totally hear you on it taking a long time to let it go. Emotional wounds cut deep.

    You are absolutely right when you say that most of us fight silent battles. That’s one reason why it’s so important to have a few good friends that you can confide in. It’s easy to feel alone and like you’re the only one suffering. I’m feeling that way about a couple of things myself.

    You’re never too much. Not for me, not for anyone else. I love you for who you are. If someone else doesn’t feel that way, that’s on them. Not you.

    And FWIW, you’re very brave for sharing those selfies. I hate (most) photos of myself and even moreso, sharing them.

    I hope we can find a way to see each other before Christmas. I have a feeling your schedule might be as crazy as mine right now. Maybe we’ll have to wait until *after* Christmas? I will look at my Dec calendar and let you know.

    xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. We could talk about it in person someday, but it did cut deep. This year has definitely been a learning experience.

      I’m hearing a lot of people say they’re afraid to share selfies, which makes me wonder if we’re all like this. I think we start out feeling good about ourselves, and then society gets its hands on us.😒

      Your selfies, by the way, are always beautiful. Continue to share them.

      My schedule for next week is pretty open. I’ll send you a text! 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  22. I’m not a fan of selfies and generally avoid taking them. I was challenged by a business coach to take a selfie a day to get used to the idea of how I look so that I could find images to use for marketing purposes; it wasn’t an enjoyable process – at all. I, too, have issues with how I look and now that the ravages of time and nightly use of a CPaP machine are showing on my face, it’s been even more difficult. But I’m working on overcoming it.

    I worked hard to stop using anti-depressants and stayed off for a while. But then hit such a bad patch of depression, that I’m back on them. I’d rather that weren’t the case, but if I need them, so be it.

    Kari, your selfies are utterly lovely, you look so youthful and happy in them, so please continue to take & share them <3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Deb, I understand ALL OF THIS. Thank you so much for sharing. My selfies are well-crafted. I almost never use the first selfie I take of myself. For every selfie I use, there are 15 I do not. So I completely understand why you find them difficult.

      I will keep sharing them. I hope to see your face someday. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  24. You are never too much. Never. Ever.
    I love your selfies and your authentic self. You share what is deep inside and it does resonate with so many of us. I mean, I can only speak for myself, but I feel this to be true.
    I pray the antidepessants do their job assisting you with ALL the hard work you’ve put into yourself; you are inspiring to say the least. XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

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