Anxiety, Humor, Life, Writing

colonoscopy? sure, i’ll have another

Kari

side note: i had this set to publish in mid-march and then my dad’s health got worse. i considered scrapping this post altogether, but i also feel the need for a lighter post.

trigger warning: i will be talking about bodily functions in today’s post. if this not your type of post, you might want to skip this week.

i just got my first colonoscopy at the age of 53, and i’ll have another one in less than a year. this is a post to help you avoid making the same mistake(s) that i did.

because you will eventually need to have a colonoscopy. and i’ll be there when you do.

just kidding. i won’t. i promise.

mike had his first colonoscopy last june, and it seemed to be a simple procedure. i watched from afar as he prepped, pooped, wretched a little (not typical), and then i drove him to get the procedure.

he had a couple of polyps removed (which is very common), and they were tested. a few days later, he received an email from the doctor confirming that everything was fine.

so i felt less scared when i scheduled my colonoscopy for the first week of november.

then, mike’s fall in september set off a series of events that led to a difficult autumn last year. (mike fell, mom fell, and we discovered dad has cancer.)

i ended up rescheduling my colonoscopy for march.

here’s what i did or didn’t do:

-i didn’t read anything beforehand because i was worried that my anxiety would rear its ugly head. i knew i had a colonoscopy scheduled for march 19th, so on the 16th, i started looking through mychart for my instructions. i watched the video they sent that taught me more than I ever wanted to know about my colon.

-it looked like i was supposed to eat a lighter diet the day before my prep. so, two days before my colonoscopy. however, two days before my colonoscopy, march 17th, was st. patrick’s day. my mom was making her famous irish dinner. corned beef, red potatoes, and irish soda bread. everything it suggested that i avoid eating.

-i talked to mike about it, and he said it was okay if i ate it all. in retrospect, he was the absolute wrong person to talk to about this, but I wanted a yes man. i wanted the irish dinner regardless of the consequences. so an irish dinner i had. along with a shamrock shake on the way home.

WHAT??? it’s only there once a year!

(it gets worse)

-the day of the purge prep, i knew I could eat a light breakfast before 9 a.m. i saw someone on tiktok cheat the morning of their prep by drinking an iced coffee. i decided to have a london fog latte. i also ate a breakfast sandwich.

but, it was before 9 am.

stop shaming me in your head.

after 9 a.m., i was only allowed liquids until my colonoscopy, which was at 8 a.m. the next morning. so, chicken broth, italian ice, gatorade, and water for the next 24 hours. we got the wrong jello, which had aspartame (which triggers headaches), so i couldn’t eat it.

but then a lovely thing* happened: i discovered in an article that i could have gummy bears as long as they were yellow or clear. (gummy bears liquify once inside your body)

i didn’t care about the science because gummy bears were saving my soul by 5 pm. which, by the way, was when the purge prep began.

*side note about the lovely thing: i read a really helpful article about a woman’s colonoscopy experience in 2022. i had bookmarked it before, but somehow lost it and wished i had it on my purge prep day.

on my prep day, my friend jill happened to share the updated article (with the addition of gummy bears). I love when things like this happen.

back to the purge prep…

there are several variations of prep. the stuff that is covered by our insurance for a first time colonoscopy is two bottles of sodium something or other that i added to a cup and then mixed with fluid to equal 16 ounces.

i needed to drink all of that within an hour, as well as 2-16 ounce drinks of my choosing (a chaser, if you will) to get things moving, wink, wink.

i took the advice of the article above, along with the materials from my gi doctor’s office, and decided to mix clear gatorade into my first dose of prep. i drank it with a straw and a water chaser. i also added some clear gummy bears to chew on to keep from vomiting. growing up is fun!

i made the best of it by watching a movie I have been wanting to see in bed on my laptop. i kind of made it a girls’ night in. with constant pooping and no enjoyable food or beverages.

at 11:30, i passed out while crushing candy and listening to asmr reiki on youtube. i woke up right before my 3 a.m. alarm because guess what? i got to do it all over again. growing up is fun!

this time, i combined the solution with gatorade and added a sprite chaser.

this round was much more aggressive. i now understand the term “running” to the bathroom.

 the dogs were really tired of my sorry ass (pun intended)

i became more worried as my procedure time grew closer. because, unlike per the colon video i watched, my poop wasn’t getting lighter.

it was still quite vivid.

it was still very much flowing.

and i needed to leave my house in 45 minutes.

i started researching “how long before a colonoscopy should i stop pooping vigorously?” among other things. anna woke up early that morning and texted me to wish me luck. we began discussing what would happen if i had the prep poops in the car on the way to my colonoscopy.

i was not going to google whether that had ever happened.

it eventually slowed down just before we left for my procedure. or maybe i was so anxious that it just shut down? i’m not sure how any of that works.

thankfully, our destination is only a 15-minute drive from our home. we arrived, checked in, received my gown, and within 20 minutes, i had an IV full of saline and was in line for one of 30(!!) colonoscopies that day. (we asked)

i was wheeled into the procedure room, where there were two nurses and an anesthesiologist. they got the oxygen under my nose, took my blood pressure, and my doctor came in to ask a couple of questions.

then i was told to lie on my left side and that i would feel very sleepy. the next thing i remember was hearing my name, waking up in the same room, and being wheeled back to my original room.

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

the colonoscopy was the easiest part of the whole process.

i got apple juice and graham crackers, and while i was sobering up, my doctor came in and told me that what they saw of my colon looked good.

but…

they could not see my entire colon. they could only see half of it because the prep did not work entirely. so i needed to return in a year or less to have them go over that section to make sure it was clear.

they said that the next time, i’d need two days of preparation.

like i should have in the first place.

i’ll have to eat lighter on the first day, get the same two bottles as before, but this time add a laxative.

growing up is fun!

they were kind enough to blame it on preparation. as if it hadn’t done its job. but i think we all know who is to blame. i guess you could say i half-assed my colonoscopy. (i’ve been waiting to use that line for weeks.) *

and i’d do it again for that corned beef and soda bread.

psst- if you haven’t already, schedule a colonoscopy. it’s not too bad, i promise. i will send you gummy bears.

*i told this joke to my dad while he was in the hospital, and he loved it. i learned from the best. 💕

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52 thoughts on “colonoscopy? sure, i’ll have another”

  2. A good friend of mine has to have these regularly due to family medical history, so I *know* how good a job you’ve done to make this funny :)

    Sorry to hear you’ve got to go through it all again, but at least you’re fully prepared for what’s ahead!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww, thank you! I am fully prepared and do not mind it. What’s funny is that I was very nervous about getting one before we found out about Dad’s cancer. Then, after seeing what he had gone through, I was no longer nervous. I even told dad that night, during our Irish dinner, that if he could go through all of that, I could get a colonoscopy. It did not diminish what I was doing; it simply made it less scary. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hopefully you follow it to a tee because if there is more blockage they definitely wont blame the procedure the 2nd time 😅 i am glad colon cancer doesn’t run in my family i was able to poop in a jar and UPS it to the testing facility.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Tell your “friend,” not the good kind. But I have never checked to see if those types liquify. Maybe give it a try. It could make for an entertaining blog post. Make sure the gummies are clear or yellow. Colors are strictly prohibited.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh, Kari. Man! Really, we’re laughing with you, not at you. I will tell you the worst part of mine. Maybe it will make you feel better? In a misery loves company sort of way? I discovered the hard way (or, maybe, the very very loose way) that there is such a thing as not being able to run to the bathroom. Not in time, anyway. Being a slow learner, it took me three “events” before I gave up and resigned myself to a night of just sitting on the toilet. All night long. And, like yours, mine didn’t stop. This was before Cane and I were living together again, and he was my ride to the doctor’s office. My fear was so great that I’d have to walk into the hospital with poopy pants that I texted him very early in the morning and asked if he could pick up some sanitary pads (all I could think of in my sleep-deprived, sore-bottomed state) because I didn’t own any such products (hysterectomy for the win). I am so sorry you have to do the whole thing all over again so soon. But it’s nice to see that your sense of humor is still solid. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I see what you did there. 😂

      Oh, friend, thought I’d have to do the same thing! I told Mike that he’d have to get me Depends before leaving the house. Maybe we should buy them the next time just in case.

      Like

  7. Growing up up does not sound fun at all. Though I did have a good chortle at your post. Sorry you’ll have to do the whole thing again next year… that’s nothing to look forward to.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. This whole post is comedy gold! You definitely half-assed it!🤣 I had my only colonoscopy at age 53 (after 3 years of harassment from my PCP). I’m glad I procrastinated because I’m still not due for a few more years. It was pretty rough on me due to a super nasty nurse at the beginning. She asked me when my last period was. Well, at that time, I was going into menopause (aren’t most women at that age??) and because I said 6 weeks ago, she concluded I could be pregnant!😳😡 She was telling me they’d cancel my procedure unless I took a pregnancy test . . .

    As I was completely dehydrated from the prep, I couldn’t pee in a cup. I was in tears. I told her I couldn’t go through all of this again. Finally, they made me sign a release saying I wouldn’t hold them liable if I was pregnant. I told my PCP afterwards and she was shocked by what they put me through.

    Needless to say, I’m not looking forward to next time. I’m sorry you are facing this again, but I’m glad you’ve got your sense of humor about it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OMG, I hate that you had one of THOSE nurses. I am so sorry you went through that. 😘

      I have to say that it wasn’t as bad as I expected. I’ll be hungrier before the next one, so we’ll see how funny I feel afterwards. 🤣

      Like

  9. “…. (a chaser, if you will) to get things moving, wink, wink.”

    Kari, that made me LOL because someone I work with recently had one of these and he said the same thing about the prep.

    And thank god you were able to have gummy bears because I couldn’t go that long without eating something of some substance.

    WOW, what a proceedure! Glad it went well and that you were clean.

    Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us! And I love how you shared it with such HUMOR!

    Happy Monday, my friend! And Happy Belated Mother’s Day!

    X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The gummy bears helped me with that! I needed to chew something!

      I am glad too. Only six more months until the next one..🤣

      Aww, thank you friend! Happy Monday (belated) to you as well! 😘

      Like

  10. I had to do a similar prep before my hysterectomy. I had to drink 2 bottles of that stuff too. I’m not sure if that much was truly required or if my surgeon was a secret sadist who was mad because I insisted on surgery instead of trying hormone therapy. (I was proved right, afterwards – the only solution was removal.) Anywhoodle, the prep was the worst part – way worse than recovering from the surgery. I was glued to the toilet for 14 hours and still had to run to the bathroom after entering the hospital and believe me, by then you could have shone a flashlight down my throat and my butt would be lighting the way. So far I have not needed a colonoscopy but it seems to be a rite of passage (Congrats! You’ve reached the age of colonoscopies!) so not sure for how much longer the doc will be happy with just the at-home test. I’ll certainly let you know when to send the gummy bears, Kari 😉.

    Deb

    Liked by 3 people

  11. My prep was a gallon of solution that tasted like ocean water and had to drink over several hours. I was told I could sip Sprite between glasses of the stuff but I only did it once because it refreshed my numbed tastebuds and made the next glass taste even worse. I will demand a different option next time!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I clicked through those other posts about colonoscopies, too, and found all of it super helpful. My mother has recently been diagnosed with colon cancer and I am 44 (45 in August) and my doctor basically told me to wait until I turned 45 for a colonoscopy because it would be easier to deal with insurance stuff. I feel super uncomfortable about insurance dictating my healthcare.

    Honestly, and I mean this, I *normally* poop at least five or six times a day, so this doesn’t seem that scary, although the results might be scary!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad you did! I am really sorry about your mom, Engie. I hear you on insurance. My dad couldn’t get a PET scan until he was released from the hospital in January because his insurance wouldn’t cover it while he was admitted.

      GIRL, I am jealous. I wish I could poop that much.

      Like

  13. I’ve had three colonoscopies and each time the prep got worse. I won’t bore you with what went wrong, but it’s going to be a long time before I’ll do that again.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I have heard so many personal stories about colonoscopies and basically, everyone’s story is different! I’ve never had one and am waay overdue (I know, I know) but I’ve seen Brian go through 4 of them. His dad had colon cancer, so he has to get them on a regular basis. The procedure itself doesn’t scare me; it’s the prep. So many horror stories! And I know I’ll sound like a big baby, but…I hate popsicles, Italian ice, Gatorade, 7-Up, drinking chicken broth (gag), Jello and yeah, even gummy bears! And the thought of drinking that prep stuff…OMG. I can’t even go there. I remember one time when I had to drink some nasty prep stuff in the ER before a CT scan. It made me puke.

    OK, if anyone reading this is grossed out by poop talk, don’t read any further! …Brian’s first colonoscopy, he had to drink a gallon of Go-Lytely. (Whoever came up with that name for a colonoscopy prep had a great sense of humor. Or should be shot.) He’s the type of guy who can basically stomach anything. Well, not with this stuff. He was trying not to puke and felt so sick that he actually was moved to tears. He finally called his dr and said, “I can’t drink anymore of this.” He was almost done and was pooping clear stuff, so his dr said he didn’t have to drink anymore. His next colonoscopies, he had other stuff to drink that wasn’t as bad – or not as much.

    With all his colonoscopies, his pooping stopped around 10 pm and he was able to sleep the whole night through. How does that happen with some people and with others, they are pooping all night?!

    He also learned through all these colonoscopies, that it actually helps to eat a light diet at least 5 days before the procedure. I had read about it somewhere and so he tried it with his last colonoscopy, and said it made a big difference. No beef, no heavy foods (i.e., no pizza), no raw veggies or nuts, etc. His pooping with the prep wasn’t as “violent”.

    I hope your next procedure goes well. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Go, Lytely. That’s terrible. 🤣🤣

      So the reason they’re pooping all night is because they’re supposed to take the other dose in the middle of the night, so pooping starts again. If I hadn’t had to take the 3 a.m. dose, I’d have stopped pooping by 11 p.m.

      Five days is the key, I’m learning. So I’ll definitely do that next time. The Irish dinner turned out to be the last meal we had with my dad, which was an unforeseen blessing. Surprisingly, that was my dad’s last big meal before his death. I have no regrets at all. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Half-assed your colonoscopy… *zing* – love it! OMG this post… I’ve had two (I remember nothing except the “prep” and the toast afterward). On the last one, it was about an hour before we needed to leave, and nothing had “happened” yet (honestly, I did not cheat), so I was getting nervous about, you know, something “happening” in the car. My sweety said, “don’t worry.” She was right. And the toast was really good the second time, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Oh, the joys of being an adult! I’ve had one colonoscopy, and they told me to come back in 7 years. It’s been 4 years, and I still gag if I taste anything lemony because I put lemonade Crystal Light in my prep. The actual procedure was nothing – and I got in a great nap!

    Thanks for sharing your experience, Kari! These things are uncomfortable to talk about, but so important. And it helps to laugh about it!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. We are experts in colonoscopies around here! My husband has had five or six, I think? Anyway his dad died of colon cancer so he’s had colonoscopies regularly for quite a while now. I’m surprised they only say two days of prep. For him, I think it’s almost a week – I think it’s five days of a “low fibre” diet, and then a day of clear liquids only (plus jello) and then the Colate. For anyone who is reading this, I have two pieces of advice: use diaper cream before you drink the laxative, and use thick incontinence pads JUST IN CASE for the duration of the laxative-working-part.

    I haven’t had to have one myself yet, but probably soon as I will be 50 next year.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Oh my goodness. You did Half Ass your colonoscopy. I’m sorry that you have to redo it, but if it’s any consolution, you made me laugh with your retelling.

    I had no idea about the gummy bears! WHAT? you know, those are my addiction. I’m one of those pole who turns kind of ugly when I’m hungry and I (husband too) were pleasantly surprised that I was fine through all the prep work. Ice pops saved me!

    The old saying: Live and Learn. You will ace it next time!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. The closest I’ve come to a colonoscopy is when my doctor sends me a box to crap in, and then the poor UPS man has to pick up my turds and they get shipped to some godforsaken place in Minnesota.

    But I know my day is coming.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Dear Lord, I was completely stressed out reading this!..lol I have had 3 and panic with every one. I am not a drinker and drinking something gross is the worst part for me. Ok, you made me in the mood for junk food. Going to go eat some candy..lol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Let me tell you, having two colonoscopies in seven months is just plain rotten. I better have earned some good karma points for that! 🤣

      And yes, that drink is absolutely AWFUL. I had to take tiny sips, then follow each with a sip of Sprite and a sip of water just to keep it down.

      I hope the candy was good—I’m eating all the things today!

      Like

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