Birds, Favorite Things, Grief, Humor, Life, Migraine, Pets, What I Kept

what i kept – october 2024

Kari

i began writing this monthly post unintentionally in may 2022, motivated by an unexpected and deeply personal loss. your engagement with these posts means so much to me. i wasn’t sure i would continue after that summer, but now, it has become a cherished part of my monthly routine.

thank you for reading along each month.

dolly in my dad’s chair
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most mornings, after my yoga practice, the dogs curl up on me during shavasana.
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linda and i connected in the comment section here last week, and i’m so grateful that happened because she writes about migraines. i’ve struggled with chronic migraines myself for nearly 20 years. i haven’t shared much about my pain on the blog for a while, but it remains a regular part of my life.

best nurses ever

that quote really hit home for me and even brought me to tears. i’m curious if any of you feel the same or know someone who might? if so, i’d recommend checking out linda’s blog—she’s built a warm, supportive community for people dealing with chronic pain.

the last of our zinnias
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my dad found joy in grocery shopping during his retirement. each week, he would visit the little store down the street to pick up what he and my mom needed. the cashiers knew him well and always shared a laugh with him.

in september, that store closed its doors for good.

it’s just another layer of grief.

ella found this outside our car in a parking lot

as i was going through my blog to create tags for old posts, i came across a photo from last august.

my dad in his chair behind dolly:


it was just before everything changed—before mike’s fall, and before my dad’s cancer diagnosis and his passing four months after.

i felt a deep longing to go back to that august day. why is it so hard to truly live in the moment and appreciate what i have?

remember my mom’s heavenly zinnia? it’s growing. 🩷
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my mom’s neighbor has an outdoor roger!
“i don’t think i can’t make it on the outside, andy”

if you know, you know.

several of you lovely humans reached out this month to recommend the anderson cooper grief podcast, and i can’t thank you enough. i shared it with my mom so she could listen as well. it has been incredibly comforting for both of us.❤️

@cnn

Anderson Cooper speaks to psychotherapist and author Francis Weller about why the strategies he developed in childhood to cope with his grief are now working against him. For more of “All There Is with Anderson Cooper” listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts. #andersoncooper #grief #podcast #allthereis #cnn #news

♬ original sound – CNN
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i like picking unusual names for things—like naming the fake (don’t tell him that) skeleton that lives in our home roger.

i decided to name my grief terrance. i don’t know any terrances, so it felt like the perfect choice. i have no idea how that name popped into my mind, but it did, just seconds after reading the above.

then, i opened my next soul homework book and saw this:

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i was getting ready to take ella to school, and i captured the sadness in biscuits eyes. now, i never want to leave him again.
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dog yoga
as a reminder 🖤

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65 thoughts on “what i kept – october 2024”

  1. As always, so many things to comment on but for today, I’ll choose two. The Terrance thing gave me goosebumps. And Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese poem is one I go back to over and over again. Loved that you included it. Thank you Kari for sharing with us, some of your grief journey. Hopefully you feel us carrying part of the load with you.🙏

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It gave me goosebumps too, Donna! Then my husband mentioned that my dad loved the character Terrance Mann from Field of Dreams, which was one of his favorite movies. Baseball was my dad’s favorite sport to watch, and the actor who played Terrance Mann, James Earl Jones, also passed away this year. So many coincidences. ❤️

      I love that poem as well; it’s been my favorite since I first discovered it years ago.

      Thank YOU for being on this journey with me. I feel safe sharing it here because you’ve created that space for me. I truly feel all of you carrying this load alongside me. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The fear that comes with chronic pain is no small thing. The fear that grows as each warning symptom presages a coming attack is awful. And, of course, it makes one tense, and that rarely helps. Letting go of that fear and tension is a large part of managing chronic pain. Thank you for the reminder.

    I’m sorry about your dad. Death of a parent is so hard to navigate and reconcile, and the anniversaries are a challenge. I’m sorry about the closing of the grocery store. It’s a fresh hurt when we lose these reminders. I remind myself that there would be no grief without the love.

    The Mary Oliver poem is wonderful. I’m reminded I want to add to my poetry collection. Thank you for sharing it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You nailed it when you talked about letting go of fear. If someone has never experienced severe pain, they have no idea how scary it is to go to those dark places. Fear of pain is my biggest hurdle in life, and I deal with it daily, whether I’m in pain that day or not. I’m sorry you also have experience with this, but it’s comforting to know you understand it on some level.

      Absolutely—no grief without love. I’m sorry for your loss as well. I know you’ve been navigating your own grief too over the last year. Sending you so much love.

      I love that poem; it’s one of my favorites. ❤️

      Like

  4. I’ll stretch here- different spelling but Terence Mann was author from Fields of Dream- one of dad’s favorites and his love for baseball.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Kari, that first photo “Get your own seat, Biscuits” is BRILLIANT & HILARIOUS! Totally made me LOL!

    LOVE the print on the chair that Dolly is sitting! And it also looks incredibly comfortable.

    Funny, when I had two cats, one of them (Jerry) used to snuggle up to me in the morning as I was meditating and administering Reiki to myself. I sincerely believe that animals are very sensitive to energy. They have a “knowingness”.

    I’ve never experienced a migraine, but know several people who have and they’ve all said the same thing about the pain and how debilitating it is.

    That photo of you doing the dishes is priceless!

    Thanks for sharing what you kept, my friend. The podcast with Anderson Cooper is so touching. I’ve learned so much from the process of grieving through the death of all three of my parents.

    Have a beautiful week! (((((((((( X YOU X )))))))))))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Roger is quite the character, isn’t he? 😊

      That’s the best seat in the house! ❤️

      I completely believe in that! I love that your cats used to do that with you.

      I really wish they would just go away. It’s been life-altering. (Not in a good way)

      That’s one of my favorites from childhood!

      I love that you’ve learned so much through grieving. That’s what I’m experiencing right now, and it’s something I wish for myself and for everyone. What a wonderful perspective, my friend. Sending you so much love. 😘❤️

      Have a beautiful week, too, dear friend! It’s 79 degrees here, and I’ve got the windows open…

      Like

  6. I didn’t realize migraines were STILL plaguing you; I was so hopeful it would be more of a temporary menopause symptom. You poor thing!

    I love that print of your dad’s chair. That photo of the dog with him in the background with all the “befores” pouring through your head is so spot on. As much as we always try to live in the present we still can’t always be truly appreciative of all the small mundane parts of life until they’re not there anymore or have fundamentally changed in some way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, supposedly menopause can last up to 10 years, and I began perimenopause this coming January—10 years ago! I’m not sure if it starts at perimenopause or at menopause itself, but it seems like no one really knows.

      Right? It’s all so important. Like Annie Dillard says, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” Staying in the moment is really tough for me. I know I’m not alone in this struggle.

      Like

  7. As you know, I’m a fellow migraineur. I can see that we are traveling similar paths on our journeys. Want to point you to something so helpful I read yesterday, which echoes important conversations I’ve had the past few weeks with my PCP and my OT:  https://substack.com/home/post/p-149899054 What I most appreciate in the post is an analogy she shares:  “A lightbulb went on for me when I realised my nervous system was the hole that was continually draining my bucket.” She talks about all the things we do to “fill our buckets” if we have chronic conditions (diet, exercise, yoga, meditation, etc.) And while we do see some gains, the problem isn’t really solved because we’re not treating the underlying cause, which is our faulty/damaged nervous systems. She references a book I’m reading right now, Gabor Mate’s The Myth of Normal:  Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture. There’s so much more I could say, but the book is blowing my mind (in a really good way). 

    Also, I love all your dog photos. And the grocery store made me feel really, really sad.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First, I wish we lived closer or could at least meet somewhere for a few days to sort all this out. It would be like a migraine symposium over coffee and donuts (though the donuts might not do wonders for our migraines—they’ll definitely help our souls). There’s so much I’d love to unpack with you. I’m just starting to learn more about chronic illness and spoon theory.

      I had a gastro appointment a few weeks ago, and the doctor actually noticed my red face and wanted to test me for autoimmune issues. He was the first doctor to truly see me and offer to do something. All the tests came back normal except for one, which I kind of looked up (still have PTSD from my dad’s cancer stuff), and it doesn’t seem too serious. I have an EGD/colonoscopy scheduled for next week, so I’ll find out more after that. This is turning into a book, which is exactly why we should get together.

      On a side note, I’m currently on a five-day steroid cycle breaker (my first time) because I was having headaches every day for two weeks. I think it might be related to Long COVID and other factors… SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

      Also, the grocery store still makes me feel really, really sad.

      Heading to read the article you shared. 😘

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, man–I so wish we could get together in person for a long talk! I’ve also been tested in the past for autoimmune issues, and I never show the markers. I do have several diagnoses with inflammation as a common characteristic, and Mate (in the book I referenced) explains how prolonged stress/trauma results in inflammation. Inflammation is definitely part of migraine. And headache every day for two weeks! I am so sorry! I get a little crazy if I go to day 5. I am glad you are getting relief and I hope you get some information/answers that will help. The road to repairing my nervous system looks like a long one, but I’m getting on it. There is SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. There are so many lovely things in this post, Kari. I’m so sorry that you still have migraines. I love the pics of Roger, the doggie yoga, and the sad eyes. And you doing dishes as a child! That’s so cute! Your video was lovely, too. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Michelle! I’m definitely a work in progress, migraines included. 🤣

      I love that you appreciate all those things. I loved them too, and sharing them here brings me joy. Knowing you love them makes me feel so much less vulnerable. Thank you! 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I adore Anderson Cooper and I have heard him in interviews talk about his grief. Glad to hear he has a podcast about it. I’m sorry that you are still suffering with the migraines. My husband gets the aura ones and they’ve only started at work, which freaks me out as I don’t want him to drive home when he has one. Has anything ever helped you?

    So sad about the closing of your Dad’s grocery store. I understand that feeling because it’s like another memory is being taken away.

    But your selfie made me happy because you look like a teenager and I know we’d be friends!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was listening to the episode I shared here while driving, and I was just crying and sniffling along in the car. It feels so good to cry with strangers who somehow feel like they really understand. It’s such a great podcast.

      I don’t get aura migraines, but I’ve heard they’re terrifying. Some people even get stroke-like symptoms—slurred words, numbness in their face. That’s just so scary.

      After he passed, my mom and I would stop in there now and then, picking up little things. It felt like home and eased that grief, just a little. Then we found out it was closing, and it felt like losing him all over again. We didn’t even make it back one last time.

      And the fact that I look like a teenager? Best compliment ever! We would absolutely be friends. 😘❤️

      Like

  10. The one Terrance I’ve heard of (Trent D’Arby) changed his name to Sananda Francesco Maitreya a long time ago, so yeah, Terrance is a good name to choose. And I’m not the least bit surprised you opened a book to find the name there. There’s no such thing as coincidence.

    At first glance, I thought the leaf was a shark’s tooth, which would have been a real odd find in an Illinois parking lot.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love that chair! Funny enough, the same print is on the booths at the restaurant where my friend and I go for breakfast every other week. I just noticed it during our last visit! My dad loved breakfast at a restaurant too, so it gave me a little smile. 🩷

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I’m so sorry that you have chronic migraines. So far (knock on wood), those haven’t hit me. But I have chronic pain from bad knees (literally no cartilage), bad back (compressed discs), and now sciatica. I was thinking how I always think my current pain is the worst, till a new one appears. It dawned on me that any new, lesser, pain wouldn’t be noticed so, of course all new pain is worse.

    Do you follow any Spoon Theory sites re pain?

    Terrence Howard… he creeps me out.

    I love the pic of doggie muzzle between pillows/cushions!!

    Thanks for the grief link – I bookmarked it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m really sorry to hear about your chronic pain. I went through sciatica pain for the first time in 2023, and it was intense. I ended up doing two rounds of physical therapy to help with it—that’s actually what got me into yoga.

      Funny timing: I just learned about spoon theory last week from two places! Linda’s blog and TikTok. I love when the universe aligns like that. Or maybe it’s Big Brother at work. 🤣

      Terrence Howard creeps me out too. It’s something about the eyes.

      And I love that picture, too! He’s actually nestled between my legs! (“Those aren’t pillows!”—guess the movie!) He just couldn’t get close enough that day. 🩷

      I hope it brings you a little comfort. 😘

      Like

  15. Love Roger. My oldest has a full sized fake skeleton in her car named Keith. Keith wears high heels and mardi gras beads and my be the most interesting of her friends… and shes a bass player in a punk band, so thats saying something

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Your home always looks to warm, inviting, and uncluttered. Lovely. Terrance – perfect. How unreal that the next day that name was in your book? Saying something. I’m sorry about your continued struggle with migraine pain. That’s awful. I can only imagine how hard it is to want to go back to the time before. Thinking of you. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  17. TERRANCE. Yes.

    Living in the present is so hard and so precious. From my perspective you are exceptionally good at embracing life as it is, and I don’t think that has to mean ignoring the past. If, right here and now, you want to be in an earlier time, it seems wise and an act of self-care to give space to that feeling, rather than admonishing yourself for “living in the past.” (I am talking to myself here, too, Kari.)

    The grocery store closure — I can imagine the pinch of pain that causes. Our loved ones infuse so many facets of our lives! When they go, they don’t leave one hole we can easily step around. Which is beautiful and terrible all at once.

    Sending you love. Thank you for sharing your heart. <3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right?? It was meant to be.

      I love that you’re speaking to both of us! I sometimes do that when I write on the blog. It’s a form of self-care as well as other-care. ❤️ (By the way, that was excellent advice)

      Beautiful and terrible all at once—YES. Nicole said something similar a few months ago, and it really resonates. There are so many stunning moments intertwined with heartbreaking ones, and that’s been my experience with grief so far.

      Thank you for sending that my way; I gladly accept it.😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  18. That is just the cutest picture of you in that hat! I’m sorry you have migraines. I am not a headache person so, honestly, I can’t imagine how awful that is. Unfortunately, I have chronic pain. Back. Since I was 14 years old. Long complicated story but it all stems from a severe case of scoliosis which I have been treated for ever since my diagnosis. Everyone has something. We just need to support each other with whatever hand we were dealt. That helps a lot!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, friend, I’m so sorry to hear about your back pain. My mom has struggled with back pain her entire life, so I understand what that’s like. My oldest daughter has scoliosis, and she’s already experiencing back pain. It’s definitely not fun—pain is pain.❤️😘

      Like

      1. Ohh..I’m sending good vibes to your daughter. If she’s young enough, there are so many better treatments available now compared to when I was a kid.

        Liked by 1 person

  19. There’s always so much in these posts, Kari. I always enjoy them and take away a few things. “Stacks of Wheat” in particular is 🔥. The dog photos are amazing… they exhibit such emotion. To one of your points, I think these posts show your appreciation for the moment.

    By the way, I’ve heard of some tremendous success with Aimovig, a monthly injectable migraine preventative. Problem is, it’s $600 CAD per month. Not sure if it’s insurable in the US or how that works… it’s a terrible disease.

    And, as you mentioned today on my blog, how cool that we both wrote about the Anderson Cooper/Francis Weller podcast on the same day… Serendipity!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Isn’t Stacks of Wheat just wonderful? Children truly are the best of us. I love that you recognize these posts as my way of appreciating the present—that means so much to me. Thank you for that.

      I actually tried Aimovig a few years ago, but unfortunately, it didn’t work out. Now I take Ajovy every three months, and that one has been a better fit. I’m on four preventatives, including Ajovy, yet still get migraines. Thankfully, our insurance covers them all.

      And I love that we both shared that this week! Serendipity!🌈❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Seeing both our grandchildren this week, I sure agree that they are the best of us: loving, innocent, and radiant with pure joy.

        I think it’s terrific how you “keep” the things that matter and that you take the time to document and share them.

        Wow, I am so glad for you that the meds are covered. The Aimovig case I know went from ten attacks a month at the worst to none since 2019. It’s miraculous that there are other options and I hope one will work for you in that way, too, someday!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh, I bet you and Sweety are the best grandparents! I’m sure your grandkids love spending time with you both.

        I look forward to these posts every month. They keep me accountable, and when I find things in my everyday life, I hope to inspire someone else or bring joy to those who need it. I know all my blogging friends have influenced this post in some way. I’ve learned everything I know from others; it’s such a lovely practice, blogging—a true give and take.

        Do you also get migraines? I often feel down about the pain, mostly because I’m so afraid of it. I’m working with a therapist on that now. For the first time ever, I’m also keeping a journal to track how many migraines I get each week—something I was supposed to do a long time ago. I’m also eliminating chocolate, which has always been a trigger I didn’t want to face. (It’s my biggest weakness) I haven’t eaten any in four days, and so far, no headache. I’m waiting to see if this is truly the answer. If it is, it’s a little bittersweet, but if that’s all it takes, I’ll laugh so hard and never eat chocolate again!🤣

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I do think we are pretty cool grandparents, and it is so fun. They’re just such delightful little people! And it’s exhausting! 🥰

        From what I read in the comments, your posts mean a lot to many people. I look forward to them as well. Give and take, yes… that’s a good point, and your site is a shining example of that, through your grace-full nature. 🤗

        No, I do not suffer from migraines. I know a few who do and truly feel for anyone affected by this disease. It’s encouraging that new treatments have been developed and hopefully more will come, and get cheaper to help those who are uninsured.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. LOL, it is exhausting. 🤣

        I love that. I’m so grateful for this community.

        My migraine doctor (neurologist) has said that AI will definitely improve healthcare (and migraine care) in the future. That gives me hope.

        Liked by 1 person

  20. I just love the Warren Bennis quote about writing – I do so much working out of stuff while writing, I’m not sure how I quoted in the first 5 decades of my life before I wrote.

    Thank you for the multitudes of gorgeous dog photos – such a joy :) Lovely one of your Dad – sending love for the sliding door moment when you (understandably) wished to be back there again but with a different outcome.

    Amazing (and spooky) story about Terrance. I was just thinking I’d no idea what I’d call grief when a name popped into my head. Randall. I don’t know anyone called Randall – but Randall is who’ll be visiting me when those grief-laden thoughts come to visit.

    <3 <3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love that quote too! Sometimes I get so frustrated with life, and then it hits me—it’s because I haven’t written in two days. I need to remind myself of this more often. Even just 30 minutes of writing daily is so good for my soul.

      I’m so happy you enjoy the photos. Taking pictures of my dogs is such a joy; they bring me so much healing. Thank you for that love—it really means a lot. I’ve been missing him a lot lately. His birthday is on Monday, and we’re all feeling his absence a little more right now.

      Randall! I love it! Terrance and Randall…there’s just so much to love about this. 🖤🖤

      Liked by 1 person

  21. I love all the photos and quotes you share. That one of Buddy’s face smushed between the couch cushions is priceless.

    I am so sorry that you suffer with migraines. It’d be nice if they could find the root cause, right? That article Rita linked to is great. I’ve read so much in the past years about inflammation and gut health in the body and how it’s all related and causes disease. Right now I’m having an IBS flare and the arthritis in my knee is bad, too. I know it’s related. I had pizza two nights ago (gluten and too much cheese!), plus I’m having a lot of anxiety for a variety of reasons. So my body is on inflammation overload right now.

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Those are my legs! 🤣🤣🤣 (But yes, it is priceless 🖤)

      Absolutely, finding the root cause is key. Thankfully, my migraine doctor is incredibly kind and patient, and he understands my anxiety, especially around pain. I’m also seeing a psychiatrist for the first time, and she’s helping me work through this so we can finally get to the bottom of it. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could just get a scan at the doctor’s office that told us exactly what was wrong? I genuinely believe that one day this will be possible—and I think AI will be what makes it happen.

      I understand inflammation overload. Sending you love. 😘

      Like

  22. Zinnias! I adore them. I am feeling like I’ve not been the best hostess because I’ve not given our skeleton, Earl, a pillow on which to sit. His bony butt is just sitting on a wooden chair out front. Happy Halloween! 💀 🎃 👻

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  23. Love this! The pics were both beautiful and hilarious. You have such creative styles of writing, and they keep people so interested, including myself.

    I am so sorry for your loss. I feel like no matter how long it’s been – time sometimes doesn’t heal “all wounds”. I should know after losing my oldest in 2021. I’ve learned the secret to making it a little easier – is remembering all the good and funny times and laughing at those – no matter the loss. <3

    Also, I feel you on the pain part. As we get older, it becomes life sadly. I hope and pray you have more good days – than bad.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww, thank you so much! This is such a sweet comment!

      Oh, Shel, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your oldest child. I can’t even imagine the grief you’ve experienced. But you’re so right—remembering all the good times you shared is important. Grief is love.

      Last weekend, I was pushing my bed over to dust mop underneath and used my leg to do it. Yeah, I’m at that age where I can’t do that anymore! I hurt my knee and had to take it easy for a couple of days🤣

      Like

  24. So many things to react to!

    First, I’m sorry you are still dealing with the migraines; that must be terrible. You have my full sympathy.

    The grief podcast sounds SO wonderful; this is something we all have to maneuver at times and it’s the hardest thing.

    The dogs. All THE DOGS. And your Dad in the background. *sigh*

    The bird shadows: LOVE!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, friend. They’re not fun at all. One thing I’m learning is that chocolate is a huge trigger for me. I’ve known this for a while, but I’ve never fully eliminated it from my diet. I’m also trying to reduce my screen time to see if that helps.

      We all die, yet we rarely talk about it—it’s the one thing we all have in common! 🤣

      I love those bird shadows, too. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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