Life, Soul Homework, Tater Tots

tater tots – episode 90

Kari

if you’re new to my blog, welcome! here is an explanation of the tater tot post.

a grace full life

october was a tough month- though really, it all started back in july.

it all started with a weird stomach issue after a yoga class. over the next few weeks, it came and went. by august, i was at my primary doctor’s office doing tests and even my first stool sample (blech). everything came back normal.

but i still felt off- just not all the time. and when it hit, it hit at the worst times, making going out or doing things difficult.

by early october, things got worse. i remember one day, running to the bathroom every 15 minutes, wishing i could go back to one week earlier— back when i was complaining about my weight (to myself), eating whatever i wanted, side-eying myself in the mirror.

i’ve had a complicated relationship with food and my body for as long as i can remember. part of it is how i appear to others. over the years, i’ve had pictures taken of me without my consent — posted online before i even saw them. every time, i’d feel that jolt of shame, not because of the picture itself, but because it didn’t match how i wanted to look.

people would tell me i looked fine- even that i looked great. but it never felt true, because they weren’t inside my head — the place where i’ve measured and criticized myself for years. and i know i’m not the only one who’s felt that gap between how others see us and how we see ourselves.

one morning, while trying to come back to normal, a song came on in the other room: grace by neil cowley trio. as i listened, i thought about that word -grace- and about my blog’s name: a grace full life. grace is kindness, generosity, goodwill — especially when it isn’t required.

i’ve spent so much energy trying to fix myself, when what i really need is to offer myself grace. this criticism i’ve carried toward my body is something i want to unlearn. it won’t happen overnight, but i want to start being gentler with myself- the way i would be with anyone else.

the world feels heavy right now, and maybe that’s why this lesson keeps tugging at me- that grace needs to start close to home.

on a practical note, i’m feeling much better these days. a routine of metamucil and miralax per my primary doctor has been helping, and i have a gi appointment today. i’m hopeful he’ll finally help me make sense of it all.

are you kind to yourself? to your body? it’s something i’m still learning. maybe we can practice a little more grace, together.

one thing i read

i’d filled out a prompted journal in 2019 and found another copy of it earlier this year. i’ve finished filling out the 2025 one, and every morning as part of soul homework, i’ve been comparing my answers. my current self doesn’t fill the pages like 2019 me did, and it’s stirred up more emotion than i expected.

one thing i watched

the alabama solution (hbo max)

“The Alabama Solution” Is Required Viewing – sundance.org

one thing i listened to

grace by neil cowley trio

links i clicked on

APOD: 2024 April 12 – Total Totality (what space looked like the day my dad died)

How to Make More Memories by Taking Fewer Photos

A House Called Tomorrow by Alberto Ríos

A tattoo artist’s 10 years of turning scars into art

On my own – Hugh’s Blog

quotes that had me thinking

one of the secrets of a happy life is continous small treats. – iris murdoch

for most of history, “anonymous” was a woman. – virginia woolf

i’m a product of endless books. – c.s. lewis

children see magic because they look for it. – christopher moore

hello, november…

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47 thoughts on “tater tots – episode 90”

  4. Ha! Love the tree pose.

    Oh, my sweet friend. “i’ve had a complicated relationship with food and my body for as long as i can remember. ” – goodness, I think that’s all of us. If it makes you feel better, you are not alone. I was saying to Rob that if you show me a woman who doesn’t have issues around body image and food, I’ll show you someone that doesn’t exist. It’s all of us, and I think for women of our generation, it is especially rampant. It’s the way we all grew up, all bombarded with that feeling that we are not enough, we are not thin enough or pretty enough or our hair isn’t thick enough and our skin is too red and too bumpy and…the list goes on. But this messaging is just created to oppress, and we can lift ourselves out of that oppression…by giving ourselves grace, exactly as you say.

    I cannot even count the number of times women (it’s always women!) vilify food choices and assign moral value to different foods and body types. We don’t need to do that. Food is just food, it can be bland or tasty, but it’s just food, it’s not good or bad. Our bodies are just bodies, they are not good or bad. Sometimes they are more ambulatory or supple than other times, but that doesn’t have a moral value.

    That said I do hope you get this digestion stuff figured out, because that sounds painful and distressing.

    Oh, one more thing: there is a book that I recommend SO much, and it’s called Your Body Your Best Friend, and I think it would resonate with you a lot. It is very empowering and beautiful.

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    1. Me too! So funny.

      I think it’s all of us, too. In one of my first drafts of this post, I mentioned how our generation- and our mothers’ generation before us- probably all had this. But I didn’t want to be too presumptuous. Sending you so much love for all the unnecessary things you had to hear along the way. 😘💜

      YES. I saw it in someone’s comment section recently, and it made me sick.

      I hope so too, my friend. I’m grateful for my healthcare system- they really are amazing.

      I’ve read it, thanks to your suggestion! I loved it. 💜

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  5. I have only recently started trying to be kinder to myself… I have had a lifelong struggle with my body /weight/looks as well and it’s something I still struggle with. I hope you get some answers soon as to what is going on!

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  6. I am so glad that you are feeling better, and I hope you get some answers at your appointment. It’s no wonder your body is talking to you, given…everything (picture me side-eyeing the whole world). Wish we could sit and have a long talk about journals and giving ourselves grace. I’ve got a post going on that, thanks to revisiting teenage journals. It kills me to see the twig of a girl I was worrying about her weight and dieting. To see how hard she was on herself, how hard she worked to be worthy of love and how she entwined that worthiness with her appearance. I know it wasn’t just me; despite the gains the second wave feminist movement brought to us, we were saturated in a culture that told us in so many ways that we had to be pleasing in our appearance and behavior. Your wish–”i want to start being gentler with myself- the way i would be with anyone else”–is mine, too. As you say, it won’t happen overnight. It was hard to revisit those journals, but I’m so glad that I have them and that I did. I hope you’re feeling that way about yours, even if they do bring up a lot of feelings. Healing is so often that way, isn’t it?

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    1. Well, no more answers than I had going in. But I really liked the doctor—he’s thorough and explained the tests he wants to do. I have to get an MRI as well, so the search continues…

      I wish we could have that long talk too, my friend. Two moments keep coming to mind: I remember being a sophomore in high school and putting myself on a diet. I was so thin, but I thought I was ugly and fat. And then I think of my wedding day with my first husband. I didn’t feel like I looked my best. A few years ago, I got back the pictures from that day and really looked at myself… and I was beautiful. I don’t think I’ve ever truly been kind to or loved myself in the moment.

      Healing really does feel like that—a gradual opening. Maybe I wouldn’t have seen the beauty in that picture if not for all the soul homework along the way.

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      1. We really do need that talk. This week I went into the journals from college and into my 20s, and I was able to see some fundamental things differently than I ever have, and yeah:  have not loved myself. The opposite. I’ve never really understood what people meant when they talked about loving themselves, but I’m beginning to. Sure could have used some of today’s wisdom when we were sophomores, huh? 

        Finding a doctor you like is big progress. I hope he can really help.

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      2. When I read your latest post, I realized something I mentioned in your comments- that shame kept me from writing in journals when I was younger. I only kept one while in high school, and when I look back at it now, it’s all surface stuff-crushes, missing school, nothing too deep. This makes complete sense now, knowing what I know about how I grew up and who I was then compared to who I am now. It’s definitely something I want to explore more in my journaling. Thanks to you. 😘💜

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  7. I am sending you a huge virtual hug, Kari! Oh boy, do I ever have a complicated relationship with food and my body. And I’ve had a lot of digestive and tummy issues as well. So I feel for you very deeply. I have found that as I get older, it’s easier to be kind to myself and give myself some grace. There are still instances of irritation – but overall, I go much easier on myself, and it really is more pleasant to live that way.

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    1. I will take that hug, Michelle. 😘💜

      I’ve heard so many women talk about digestive issues as they get older, and I really hope that’s all this is.

      I really want to be kinder to myself. In the moment, I think I am—but when I look back, I realize I’m not. I’m a work in progress… but oh, how I’d love to be a work of art. 🤣

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  8. Firstly, I hope very much that you soon get a diagnosis and some direction for treatment for Whatever It Is. How distressing. Sending hugs and good vibes.

    It’s sad that so many women can say this, but I am the poster child for bad body image. I was bullied my entire childhood by my own brother about my weight and appearance. No one stopped him. It led to a lifetime of food fear, of bad habits, and now when I see photos or a reflection of myself, I very often don’t recognize that it’s me. It’s taken a long time to come back from all of that.

    I’m so glad to hear that so many commenters are committing to–like you–giving themselves more grace and being gentler with themselves. I made a similar comment on another blog: Why is it easier to be a friend to others than it is to ourselves? It seems ridiculous. I think all women need to start treating themselves as they would their best friend.

    Take care and let us know. We all care.

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    1. Thank you so much. I really hope an answer comes soon. It’s been frustrating and scary at times.

      I’m so sorry you went through that with your brother—it’s heartbreaking that no one stepped in. I totally understand what you mean about not recognizing yourself in photos or reflections. Healing from that takes so much time and patience, and your words remind me to be gentler with myself, too.

      I love what you said about treating ourselves like we would our best friend. It sounds so simple, but it’s really hard to do. I’m trying to practice that more, and reading your comment makes me feel like I’m not alone in it.

      Thank you again for your care and encouragement. It means so much to me. 💜

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  9. What woman doesn’t have food/body issues? I was actually pretty good with myself until I reached my upper 50’s and all this blood work/testing kept showing issues with glucose, thyroid, LDL, osteoporosis and then the kidney stone. Now, I feel like 50% of every day is thinking about what food I can and cannot eat due to those conditions that I’m trying to manage. It’s exhausting.

    And then there’s the pictures, like you mentioned……there’s nothing worse than someone posting a photo of you online without your permission. I’ve even had to tell my kids this. Please!!!!

    I enjoyed the link about taking fewer pictures. Cognitive offloading! That is so interesting, but very relatable. I’m guilty of taking lots of photos on trips, knowing I will likely never return to those places. But I also try to be present, where I stop, look around, and be silent so that I can absorb those special moments.

    I’m so sorry to hear about your stomach issues. That is scary and also worrisome when you need to go places. I hope you get to the bottom of what’s causing it. And I hope this doesn’t cause more food worries. Ugh!

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    1. I know exactly what you mean. It’s like once we hit our 50s, we can’t eat, move, or even exist without some lab result chiming in with an opinion. I feel that same exhaustion—it’s constant.

      And yes to the pictures. I’ve said the same thing to my kids. It’s such a weird feeling seeing yourself online when you weren’t ready for it. I’ve even heard about pictures I’m in on Facebook—and I’m not even on Facebook.

      I love that you try to be present on your trips. That quiet moment of really seeing where you are—that’s something I want to practice more too.

      Thank you for your kindness about my stomach issues. You get it—it’s that combination of worry and trying not to let the worry make things worse. Hoping to get some answers soon. 😘

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  10. sheesh- why the sudden GI issue? Asks someone with a gradual delivery into the GI issue abyss.

    I think I’m kind to myself. But I definitely have moments. I am sorry that you have struggled with this. I will be the first to admit that I was blessed with high metabolism. Nothing I did to deserve it.

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  11. I think most of us women have a complicated relationship with our bodies. I know I have ever since I was a little girl. (I think it started around age 10.) My mom, at age 85, still obsesses about how her body looks. *sigh*

    I am so sorry you’re having GI problems. It’ll be interesting to hear what the gastroenterologist has to say. Don’t forget that menopause affects digestive issues. It sounds like you could possibly have IBS – which is food and anxiety-driven. I’ve had that for years, but have figured out my food triggers. (Did a ton of research at the time on that and went on a special IBS diet – it really helped!) It could also be food intolerances, which usually increase as you age. You could see a functional medicine dr for that.

    Interestingly enough, I just picked up a book from the library today called The Gut-Brain Paradox by Dr Steven R Gundry. It was recommended to me by a yoga/reiki friend.

    I am thinking of you and hoping all will be well…

    xoxo

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. It’s amazing how early that complicated relationship with our bodies can begin, and how it often continues across generations. Your mom still worrying at 85 really says a lot about how deeply it gets ingrained.

      Thank you for the love and for the suggestions. I saw my GI doctor yesterday, and we’re still trying to figure things out. Hopefully we’ll have some answers soon. 😘💜

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  12. “i’ve spent so much energy trying to fix myself, when what i really need is to offer myself grace.”

    Kari, you hit the nail on the head because you’re absolutely right about that.

    I truly believe that how we SEE and FEEL about ourselves, is exactly how the world will see us.

    It’s like when I was a kid and knew that I was gay and was verbally abused every day of my life in school by the other kids. Thankfully, I instinctively sensed that how they were looking at me was out of FEAR, which stemmed from something inside themselves. It had nothing to do with ME. Personally, I never struggled with being gay, I always accepted it as something NATURAL and never saw myself as a “victim”. And it was then that other people started seeing me that way.

    Inspiring post, my friend! And I hope you’re feeling better. Have a fantastic week!

    X

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    1. That’s such a beautiful reflection, Ron. I can feel the strength and self-awareness in every word. It’s amazing that even as a kid, you could separate their fear from your truth. That kind of clarity is rare and powerful.

      I completely agree with what you said about how we see ourselves shaping how others see us—it’s such a lifelong practice, learning to hold grace for ourselves.

      Thank you for sharing this and for your kind words. I am feeling better, and I hope you’re doing well too. 😘💜

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  13. The only thing that might rival unsolicited pics is Teams Meetings or Zoom Calls when the camera catches you at an unflattering angle, then you’re quickly fidgeting with the settings, adjusting the screen, trying to GO DARK! GO DARK! before anyone else can see you.

    I am forever telling Tara to “show grace” whenever she’s flipping someone off in traffic, ha. Which happens more than you might think.

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  14. Tree pose – “not bad” – love it!

    Body image is such a complicated thing, and I acknowledge it’s a more acute issue for women due to society doing society things, though I’ve had a taste of that myself. Unkind comments cannot be unheard, and take a lot of work to get over. I really liked what you wrote, “i’ve spent so much energy trying to fix myself, when what i really need is to offer myself grace. this criticism i’ve carried toward my body is something i want to unlearn. it won’t happen overnight, but i want to start being gentler with myself- the way i would be with anyone else.” It’s true, we do need to give ourselves more grace.

    Glad to read you are starting to feel better. Taking care of ourselves is the biggest gift we can give ourselves and those who rely on us.

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    1. Me too! Those who don’t do yoga won’t get it, but those who do will love it. 💜

      You’re so right — men and women both struggle with this. I saw it with my dad when he was sick with cancer. He used to comment on how much weight he was losing and how proud he was of that. I know it came from a place of pain because he’d carried extra weight for many years.

      I’m feeling much better. Taking care of ourselves really is the greatest gift. You’ve got that right. 😘💜

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  15. Oh Kari, how I empathise with your words. So, so much shame attached to my body. The crazy thing is my metabolism got wrecked by unnecessary yo-yo dieting from my 20s and 30s. I was reasonably slim when no-one else in my family was, but was pushed by my mother to follow her various diet regimes. By the time I actually started to gain weight when I gave up smoking in my alte 30s, my metabolism was struggling. The finally insult was having to take Tamoxifen following breast cancer, and I’m now the same size as the rest of my family. Like you I struggle to give kindness to myself.

    I hope your GI issues settle down, that they find the cause and a good solution. I’m on PPIs for life after I narrowly avoided an ulcer due to stress caused by my mother. Unfortunately, the PPIs mess with my ability to injest Vit B12, so… now there’s that to deal with.

    I have a bundle of journals on my shelf, but never got into a regular practice. It’s something I very much want to do – so why don’t I? Younger me would look at older me and wonder what on earth happened. But, as you say, without genuinely giving kindness to ourselves, no progress can be made.

    Take care m’dear <3

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    1. Deb- I never thought about yo-yo dieting wreaking havoc on metabolism until you mentioned it. I also smoked for many years, and when I finally quit decades ago, that’s when my weight struggles began. I looked up Tamoxifen, and gah, the way it blocks estrogen makes total sense for what you went through. I started an antidepressant in 2020 for migraines, right as I entered post-menopause, and that combo completely derailed my metabolism. 🤣

      Oh, friend. I’m so sorry about your ulcer. I am sending you so much love. I know it won’t heal it, but I see you and all you’ve had to swallow. 😘💜

      Giving yourself grace- maybe one day you’ll be able to write just one line, and that one line will lead to another…

      You take care too, my friend. .😘💜

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    1. Thank you, friend. That means so much. I love that you feel this way — because I feel the same about your blog. I’m so grateful for this little corner of the internet we share. 💜

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  17. Boy did I need this..I have been struggling for years. Not sure I disclosed this but I am on disability because of my ortho issues. It’s cyclical. It hurts to move..(yes, I have tried many things!) I get depressed so I eat. I actually don’t eat a lot and eat pretty healthy, but if I moved more it would help. But it hurts to move..lol. I’ve been seeing doctors since I was 14 years old and I’m 57. I need to do what I can and accept the rest. I’m sorry you have been through the ringer. I think many of us women feel this way. As long as I fit into a pair of jeans from last year, I guess that’s ok! I’m glad you’re feeling better!!!

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    1. Oh, friend, I really get it. It’s such a cycle, isn’t it? Trying to accept what we can while still wanting to feel like ourselves again. Acceptance is something I’m working on too — that and control, which I’ve realized are probably tied together more than I’d like to admit.

      And the jeans thing — yes! I stopped weighing myself a while ago because it was just making me feel worse. I told myself that as long as my clothes still fit each new season, I was good. But lately, with all these tummy issues and doctor visits, I’ve been weighed more often than I’d like. I wish there were an option to skip that part.

      Sending you a hug. 😘💜

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  18. gosh, I sure hope you’re feeling better. something is def up with my WP reader as i’m not getting your updates (Suz’s post aren’t showing up for me either). I feel like a “bad” friend. please know that I hope you get good news soon regarding your tummy issues! xx, ren

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    1. Thank you, friend. You’re not the only one not getting updates- someone else mentioned that too. I use Feedly to read my blogs and haven’t had any problems yet! That said, please never think you’re a bad friend if you aren’t commenting. 😘

      My doctor appointment went really well. Blood work is improving, and we now just wait for the MRI to see the results. 💜

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  19. I do hope you find some resolution with your belly issues. I started having what it sounds like for you when I turned fifty, and it lasted a few years. Constantly running to the restroom, and it made it so that I didn’t want to go out as often. The doctor thought it was IBS, but I’m not certain. I can say, it’s pretty much gone away by now, and I have no idea how or why!

    I understand all your body woes. I don’t think many women are pleased with themselves, and it’s pretty sucky!

    Wow on the Alabama Solution!!

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    1. I keep wondering if it might be IBS or colitis. My dad had colitis, so it honestly wouldn’t surprise me. So many women have told me they’ve had stomach issues during menopause. I swear, I am so tired of menopause. Don’t get me wrong, not having a period is amazing, but these surprise symptoms? Not so much. 🤣

      That documentary was heartbreaking but also really important to see.

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