Grief, Life, What I Kept

What I Kept – March & April 2026

Kari

I thought I would have something to say by now. It’s been a month, almost two, and I keep waiting for the words to come together in a way that makes sense.

I stepped away because life felt heavier than usual, and somewhere in that, writing stopped feeling natural. But I miss being here with you, the conversations in the comments.

I don’t have a clear takeaway or a tidy reflection. Just small things I’ve noticed along the way, and the pull to come back and share them here.

I don’t know what this space will look like going forward. I used to think I needed to show up every week, but I’m not holding myself to that right now. I’m here, and for now, that feels like enough.

summer 2022

In May 2022, my childhood best friend died of cancer. We weren’t speaking at the time, and I spent the year that followed grieving her in a deep and complicated way. This series became part of how I moved through that grief.

I thought it would be temporary, something to help me process what I was carrying. But over time, I fell in love with putting this post together.

These are the things I’ve kept over the last two months.

Ella and Tink, my parents’ dog — 2011
Union Station – Chicago
Anna shared this on her Instagram. She has been to so many places since March.
Source
Me in June of 1993. I see Anna and Ella in my face.
Source

In early April, we were at mom’s for dinner when I noticed the Christmas tree lights were on in the den. I assumed my mom had turned them on earlier while she was cleaning or getting things ready. Later, Ella came in from the bathroom and said, “Oh Mamie, I love that you have the Christmas tree lights on.”

My mom hadn’t turned them on.

That room holds a lot for us. It’s where my dad died on hospice two years ago this month.

So seeing it lit up like that, in this month especially, was something.

source
Anna sent this to us from London on Easter
My dad’s nickname for me- Mugs…not pizza and ribs
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Mike took this photo one morning on his way to cardiac rehab. He’s in week four of the program, going three days a week for two hours each time to help rebuild his strength. He’s doing really well—physically, he’s fully healed from open-heart surgery. The human body is pretty remarkable.

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Me and Dad, July of 1994 in Ohio- not London
My favorite comfort dessert – my mom’s chocolate pudding with a marshmallow on top
He turns 10 this month. Biscuits turns 5.
Raining while sunny. LOVE.
Look at mom’s lilacs

Recently, I was nominated for something called a Sunshine Blogging Award by a fellow blogging friend. Bloggers will know these awards. They tend to make their way around, asking you to answer a few questions and pass them along. The award isn’t really an award at all, just in name only. I didn’t do anything to receive it beyond being a friend.

But when I saw my name, I didn’t really think about any of that at first. I just thought about the person who took a moment to include me.

Small gestures are worth more than we tend to give them credit for. They remind me that we’re still paying attention to each other, even in passing ways. I don’t know if I’ll follow every step or pass it along exactly as it’s meant to go. But I do know I’m grateful to have been included. So thank you, friend, for including me.

Please check out my friend’s blog—I think you’d really like it. He writes about music, one of my favorite things, and also weaves in little stories from his life.

Last little notes- I’m no longer writing in lower case. It actually took more work to do that, if you can believe it.

Psst- it’s birthday week…🌈

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58 thoughts on “What I Kept – March & April 2026”

  2. I’m so happy to see new words from you! And pics, of course. Too many to comment on, unless you want to see me rambling for a few hours, but:

    A) I love the weeks/decades quote
    B) I see Cyndi Lauper in your face
    C) The holiday lights gave me goosebumps

    And it’s so cool that Anna is seeing so many new places!

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    1. Aww, thank you friend! It’s so good to see you here too.

      Thank you for the Cyndi Lauper compliment—the holiday lights gave me goosebumps too.

      It’s so cool. I track her on the Flighty app every flight she takes, so it feels like I’m traveling too. ✈️

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  4. “I helped a man climb a mountain, only to realize I too had reached the top.” How profound is that?

    Welcome back! It’s so good to see you, and hear that your family is doing well.

    Blogging is the kind of friendship where you don’t talk for months and then pick up right where you left us. However blogging best serves you in the stage of life, let it be that.

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    1. Right?? It made me realize I’ve been to the top of a lot more mountains than I thought 💜

      Thank you. It’s good to be back and see you too.

      I love this. There’s something really true in the way blogging holds people—no matter how much time passes, it seems to keep a thread between us. It feels less like keeping up and more like returning when you can.

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    1. Right?? We both made it to the top of the mountain! How is your husband doing? How are YOU?

      It was a Nothing Bundt cake- my friend gave it to us for Anna’s birthday. 💜🌈

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      1. My husband is not great. A knee is not a heart, but still kind of important for quality of life. Hoping he turns the corner soon. Thanks for asking! 💜

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  6. Hi Kari! I was so delighted to see your post show up in my email! I’m happy to know that Mike is doing well, and the lilacs are in full bloom. I’ll bet it smells wonderful outside! I love the scent of lilacs. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s perfectly understandable that you needed a break. I love the quote “Take care of each other, take care of the earth, and make cool things.” That’s my goal in life!
    Thank you for sharing all of these lovely things you kept.
    I’m glad you’re here!

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    1. I always forget my post goes out in emails. I love that you were happy to receive it—that makes me happy too.

      That lilac border is so spectacular every spring. It looks and smells so lovely. I even took a video—I might try to share it.

      That’s my goal in life too. I love that it’s yours. I’m really glad you’re here 😘

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  7. Hey Kari Happiest of Birthdays fellow April Bday Friend. Post when ya can, this was a welcome return to read your thoughts. Congrats to Mike on a lovely recovery.

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    1. Thank you so much, fellow April birthday friend 💜 That really means a lot.

      And thank you— Mike is doing really well. We’re so grateful.

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  9. My brother gave us a little sprig of a thing to put in the ground when we moved into our house x number of years ago (what is time?).

    I found a spot by the side gate to plant it, and have watered it intently with regularity not remembering what it was.

    This year it bloomed for the first time and I almost missed it… A white lilac with a scent that floats around, inviting acknowledgement in the softest of ways to come closer. To notice.

    I’m told the blooms won’t last much longer, but the leaves will remain sturdy through the season — a reminder of what was and what will be.

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    1. This is so beautiful. I love that you cared for it all that time without knowing what it was, and then it revealed itself like that. A white lilac feels like such a gentle kind of gift.

      Lilacs were my dad’s favorite, and my mom has a white lilac in their backyard that he planted. It’s always the first to bloom in the spring. Reading this made me think of that.

      Even as the blooms fade, I love that something remains. Thank you for sharing this with me 💜

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  10. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARI!!!

    I’m so glad to see you here. I’ve missed you. I know it’s felt weird for you to write but I am so glad you’re here. You know, we ARE all here to take care of each other and the earth, and to make cool stuff. It’s true.

    I love everything you kept, and I hope you keep sharing with us. It’s uplifting for everyone, I think.

    Also, omg, I love that 1993 photo. I had very similar hair back then. I have been thinking of posting some old photos from the 90s, maybe I will do it!

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    1. Thank you, friend. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH TO US!! 💜

      I’m so glad to be back. I’ve missed you too, even though I’ve seen you on your blog and Instagram and WhatsApp. There’s something about seeing you here again that feels special. That quote really is lovely—it’s the kind that deserves to be repeated once in a while.

      I think so too.

      Do it!! I love finding the future in the past.

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  11. What terrific news about Mike; I’m so glad for the both of you.

    ALL THOSE LILACS! That would be a dream come true for me. Lilacs are my all-time favourite flower, and they are almost always blooming in time for my birthday (May 3). My mom used to make me an angel food cake and put a bunch of lilacs in the middle in a teeny glass.

    Sigh…Mary Oliver. I’m forever grateful for finding her, even though it was late in my life. It’s never too late for good poetry.

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    1. Me too, my friend.

      Lilacs are my favorite too! OMG—your birthday is just around the corner. Mine is today. My actual due date was May 3 or 4, I believe. I absolutely love that your mom made a cake like that. That sounds like something my grandmother would have done.

      Me too—and you’re so right. Never too late.

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  12. So great to hear Mike is recovering well. The human body IS amazing.

    I enjoyed your collage of photos. They pulled me in a number of different directions.

    And thanks for the kind words. Much appreciated.

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    1. Thank you so much. It really is amazing what the body can do—we’re feeling very grateful for his recovery.

      I’m so glad you enjoyed this.

      And you’re very welcome for the kind words. I meant them. 💜

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  13. Happy, Happy Birthday! I’ve missed you so much in this space, but I totally get it. I don’t think I’ll be around much this summer, but we will keep in touch. I’m glad to hear that Mike has healed from he surgery. That is GREAT news. Nothing is as important as health.

    Union Station! It’s as magnificent as Grand Central in NYC. I believe I was at Union Station when we switched Amtrak trains…..back in 1976!

    Your girls both look so much like you. Beautiful inside and out! That peace wreath on your front door is everything. And those lilacs! We have a small lilac bush next to our deck. It hasn’t bloomed yet, but I’m excited. We planted it about 5 years ago and have only ever had a few blooms on it, but I think this might be the year.

    I love the little sign via the Xmas tree from your Dad. And I love this little connection with us . . . on our first date, my husband took us to a campus bar called ‘Mugg’s.’ It’s long gone, but I love to see the name used elsewhere.

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    1. Thank you, dear friend! I’ve missed you too!

      We took the Metra into the city back in March for a doctor appointment, and I took that picture then. I’ve taken some of Anna’s senior pictures in there too — such a beautiful space.

      Aww, thank you. I think they are too. I wish you all the lilac blooms!

      OMG — I love the Muggs connection. I will always think of that now. 💜

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  14. I’m very glad to hear from you. I was starting to worry. I apologize for not reaching out.

    I’m sorry the world is sitting heavy these days. Isn’t it funny how, when that happens, we tend to gloss over all the truly heavy things that have happened to us in the recent days and months?

    You’ve gone through a lot over these past couple of years, and sometimes, we hit a wall wherein everything in us says, “enough.”
    It’s funny how guilty we feel about our body and spirit telling us we need to pause. I definitely struggle with that.

    One thing that my mother’s death has taught me is that our culture doesn’t give enough space to grief, nor acknowledge its depth, breadth, influence, and longevity. You’ve had multiple losses in a short time. Illness in those close to us also causes stress and grief.

    Sending you all the comfort. Would that it was easier for us to be kind to ourselves.

    I used to write everything in lower case. It is more work, especially with “helpful” programs that constantly try to correct your “errors”

    🖤🕊️

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    1. I’m so glad to hear from you too — no need to apologize. I’m just glad to be here with you and your words now.

      The last couple of years have been really heavy, and this year has been no exception. I actually had a moment in March where I wondered if I was bringing it on myself by writing here. I know that isn’t really a thing, but it felt like it could be then. It was like the audience was sitting too close to my shitshow. I needed to step off the stage for a little while. 🤣

      Our culture definitely doesn’t give us enough space — we just don’t talk about death enough for a society that all dies.

      Thank you for that comfort, my friend. Sending you comfort in return. It’s so good to see you here in this space with me. 💜

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  15. I’ve missed your blog posts! Seeing you posted again made my day. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I’m so glad you were born and that the universe brought us together. You are a true blessing in my life. And, of course, loving the great news about Mike. <3The Christmas tree going on in your dad’s den…chills!I think both your girls look so much like you, but especially Ella.Never heard of the Sunshine Blogging Award, but you deserve it! And I will check out your friend’s blog.I LOVE YOU! xoxo

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    1. Aww, I’m so glad. I’ve missed our conversations here too. I’m really glad the universe brought us together as well. Thank goodness for blogging or we never would’ve found each other. You’re such a blessing in my life. Love you too. 💜

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  17. I’m not sure you’re feeling like I’m feeling, but I know the general genre (that was fun to type) well. I know I shouldn’t be slogging through life, waiting for the next thing in my calendar as if the thing right in front of me is not important at all. When, I know perfectly well that the thing right in front of me is the ONLY thing, that what I’m waiting for in my calendar or in my imagination or wherever isn’t a thing at all, much less worth my attention and longing. But I wait for it anyway! And then I’m frustrated with myself for not following directions.

    Well, if you feel this way too, know that I enjoy your posts while you work out this feeling, and I enjoy your photos especially of what you kept. Even just the sentiment makes me happy. Please keep doing this. And, happy birthday coming up!

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    1. Thank you! I really understand what you’re describing, that feeling of moving through things while waiting for something else, even when you know better. I’ve been in a stretch like that lately, which is probably why I’ve been a little absent here. I’m trying to find my way back to what’s right in front of me, without turning it into something else I have to get right.

      And it means a lot to me that you’re here, and that you notice what I’m sharing.💜

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  18. Oh Geesh, I forgot that you’d written so kindly at the end of your post about GenXerLife including you in his list. You will CRACK UP if you read my response to being included. I am much much less kind-hearted than you. You set an excellent example. Thank you.

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    1. This made me smile. I have a feeling your response was probably more honest than mine in a different way, and there is room for all of it. The unexpected gift for me was that his nomination nudged me back into writing again, so I’m grateful for that.

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  19. Stillness IS one of the doors into the temple, so I hope you feel free to be as still as you need to be, which includes here. I look at that image of you from 1993, and I see my earlier self, and sometimes I feel such longing for that time–which is really longing for a less complicated existence than the one I have now. Which is really longing for a life before I knew grief the way I know it now. The ways in which I found meaning then were easier than the ways in which I do now that I more fully understand the impermanence of us all. (Not that I am on the same plane as Issa. Not yet.) I love and find very comforting the idea that we are just supposed to take care of each other, take care of the earth, and make cool things. Your blog is a cool thing, but it is only one of the many cool things you make. I’m here for whenever and however you want to make it. I’ll also be here if you decide that you are called to make different cool things. Sending you love.

    And happy birthday month!

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    1. So…

      That photo is from my bridal shower. I was engaged at the time, standing in what looked like a very joyful moment, but the wedding was called off just two days later. When I look at that version of me now, I see someone who was right on the edge of something she couldn’t yet see coming. What you said about longing for a simpler time before grief changes the shape of things… I think that’s part of what I recognize in that photo too.

      And I keep coming back to this idea that none of us really get through life without being reshaped by loss or change in some way. We all end up carrying something we didn’t expect. There’s something strangely comforting in not being alone in that, even when the details are so different.

      I’m SO grateful for your presence here, and for the way you see things so deeply. SO grateful. Love you, friend. 😘💜

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  21. It’s amazing when we see ourselves in our children, both physically and emotionally. Love seeing those old(er) photos of you and your girls.

    I hope Anna is enjoying her work and all the traveling. She will see the best and the worst in humanity, much like our Lolo in law enforcement.

    I didn’t notice you weren’t writing in lowercase. I can totally see how that (no caps) would be a hard habit to break.

    Happy birthday month!

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    1. Yes it is, my friend. 💜
      She is loving her job so much. We talked about how she’s so much happier now than in corporate America. She loves seeing new places. And yes, she’s already seeing the best and worst of it—we’ve heard some good stories.
      Thank you, friend, it’s been really good. 😘

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  22. I’ve been thinking about you… “Hmmm, where is Kari with her “kept” posts?…”

    All the snippets you shared are lovely. Too many to mention. Loved the purple-ish light through the window, was it a foggy/cloudy day? I forget if we are birthday twins, mine is May 2 sooo it’s coming up this Saturday.

    I am having the strangest way to celebrate my 45th. A puzzle party. People will trickle in and out from 12 to 4 or who knows, work on my Jane Austin puzzle with me, have some food and drinks, and that’s pretty much it. Easy. Chill.

    I still-STILL-am in awe of Anna and her line of work.

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    1. Thank you! Happy early birthday! I was due the first week of May, so we’re birthday twins!
      A puzzle party sounds AMAZING. You always come up with the coolest party ideas, Daria. I love this.
      I’m in awe of her too—today she travels to Canada for the first time. ❤️🌈

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  23. Happy birthday week, Kari! It’s so nice to see a post from you, although I understand the press of and need for (occasional) separation, even in these treasured spaces.

    Your mom’s lilacs are glorious. I love sunshowers too — they are a phenomenon that didn’t really exist where I grew up, so I find them especially magical. They feel to me like a dialectic in action, and proof that holding two opposing truths can be beautiful.

    Very glad to hear that Mike is doing well with rehab.

    xxoo

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    1. Thank you, Suzanne. It was a nice break, but I’m glad to be back. 💜

      Sunshowers ARE magical! And now that I think about it, they don’t happen as often as they used to, so when they do, it really does feel like magic.

      Me too. 😘💜

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  25. Great to hear from you. Happy BIRTHDAY WEEK! Woot woot! Mugs is a cute nickname. Aw, the lit up Christmas tree is so pretty. So many airports. I do not love flying, so better her than me – but if I could do it . . . it would be such a cool job. Imagine all the places to travel to. Love the pic of Tink with a little buddy. So cute. Glad to hear Mike is healing well. I’m sure that’s a long road. All the best. I hope you feel celebrated this week.

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