Humor, Life, Menopause

Comfortable Pants are Why I’m Not a Supermodel

Also bifocals. 

And cheese. 

But that’s beside the point…

As I am writing this, I have had one of the shittiest weeks to go on record. So when I have weeks like that, instead of doing things I should do, I am doing things that comfort my soul.

It isn’t as Oprah Book Club as it sounds.

It simply means I am doing things that make me feel less shitty.

Like watching Beverly Hills 90210 or eating a bowl of Fruit Loops for dinner.

Here are a few of my favorite comfort items just in time for cooler weather.

  • Beverly Hills 90210. I need to see young and tragically hip people from MY day in order to feel less shitty because there is nothing like seeing what Brandon looks like now to make you want to crawl in a hole and head back to 1991. (Twitter is not always a good thing). By the way, he doesn’t look like hell, he just looks old and I don’t know how that is remotely possible since I am still 21 years old.
  • I started drinking coffee. It started innocently enough with the old PSL (that’s Pumpkin Spice Latte, for you amateurs) because I am at a stage in my life where I feel like I need to try all the things because of death.
    It’s just out there. Waiting. Until I realized how many calories are in a PSL and read a news story that apparently it kills you.
    So then I moved over to the SVL (Skinny Vanilla Latte, amateurs). Oh, my word. This then led to me buying myself a coffee maker for what I spent at Starbucks per day.
  • Finding out that the entire Felicity series is on Hulu. Or buying it on Amazon so you can watch it commercial-free. By the way, Keri Russell doesn’t look like hell. Yet.


  • Yoga pants.
    I know this has come and gone as a “thing” but it’s my “thing” now. My jam. My shit.
    I cannot get over spending an entire month’s allowance on leggings with prints COUGH Lularoe COUGH.
    I cannot get on that train and you can’t make me.
    But yoga pants? ALL ABOARD. CHOO CHOO.
    Did you know that yoga pants don’t hurt you? They don’t make you feel bad about yourself when you’ve had a Whopper Junior on your “diet” day.
    They don’t taunt you like, say, jeans that dig into your muffin top and scream at the tops of their lungs, “WOMAN, MAKE BETTER CHOICES DAMMIT!”
    Put. Down. The. Coffee. Kari.
  • It’s socks weather Y’all! This means I don’t need to paint my toes or look at my toes and think “I wish I could get a pedicure but can’t because the water bill is due this week”.
  • Which reminds me, long pants weather is here! As opposed to short pants?
    So put down the Venus razor’s my friends! Wear your hairy legs with pride!
  • Short hair.
    Pssst, I have a secret.
    All the people telling women that their hair must be long in order to be sexy are lying to you. LYING.
    This summer, I got my hair cut short. Like, shorter than I have ever had it cut.
    I’ve tried short hair before but I always told myself I ended up looking like a prettier David Spade so then I grew it out.
    Pssst, I have another secret.
    The older you get, the worse your hair gets.
    So after growing it out and always going back to the same angled bob haircut, I would very disappointed with myself.
    In June, an acquaintance said in a nice yet stinging comment, “I love your mom hair!” and that is when I said to myself, life is too short to NOT have the hair you want.
    Give me the frigging short hair, David Spade be damned!
    I also want it to be partly purple and green and shave the sides around my ears!
    I am living my midlife crisis on my head, dammit!
    Even my neighbor who cuts my hair tried to talk me off the ledge a little before obliging to the short hair request.
    She was a little hesitant until she saw the hairstyle coming to life on my head.
    When she was done, she said, HOLY SHIT THIS IS YOUR HAIRSTYLE!
    Like, it is the best hairstyle I have ever worn because I actually look hip without trying.
    Not at all like a “mom” cut.
  • Essential Oils.
    Over the past few years, I have become a believer. One of those people. Oils, or as my teenager calls it “voodoo”, has changed our lives.
    Now, I am not loyal to one company, so I won’t try to sell you anything.
    But seriously, it has helped with illnesses, ADHD, and makes my house smell like a fresh mountain stream. I was going to say a fresh summer day, but then you might think my house smells like a Massengill douche commercial.
    If you’ve never bought oils, just know that peppermint is the one oil that has transformed my life and it will yours too.
    Get some. Today. Wherever you want, because I won’t tell you what to do. But email me if you want to know my favorite. 


  • I love Amazon for many reasons. They have my daughter’s vitamins at the lowest cost around; I can buy dishwasher detergent without leaving my house and the hair color that everyone tells me is amazing where DO you get your color done? Yeah, AMAZON BITCHESSSS!!

Want a bittersweet trip down memory lane? Go to your Amazon Orders page and look through everything you have ever ordered from them. There is nothing more heartbreaking than looking at toys you used to order for your teenage children. I sat at the computer and literally cried for twenty minutes over a friggin’ Barbie Head Hairstyler that I bought in 2005.

Here are some of my must-order items on Amazon.
Oh man, JoJo’s Circus on DVD from 2004?????


Wood grain Essential Oils Diffuser 

I get all of my diffusers from Amazon because it is the cheapest place to find them. I have wanted the wood grain diffuser for over a year now but didn’t want to have to sell a kidney to get one. This one is only 32, lights up, and is kick ass. (On sale right now for 29.99 bitchessss!)

From Mom to Me Again: How I Survived My First Empty Nest Year and Reinvented the Rest of My Life

I bought this book for my friend Rebecca after her youngest child left for college. Turns out it will be good for any mom that has kids going away, whether they are the last to leave the nest or not. She is going to let me borrow it in a year and a half. Sniff sniff.

Smarty Pants Vitamins 

These vitamins. Man, they are pricey because you eventually have to give your child four at a time, but they work. It has Omega 3’s and DOESN’T smell or taste like fish. That is huge for Ella since she has ADHD and is something her body needs.

Camera Bag

I get so many compliments on this camera bag; in fact, everyone who sees it thinks it is my purse. Which makes me think I should start carrying this as a purse.

Pencil Sharpener 

When we installed an old-fashioned pencil sharpener on our kitchen wall last spring, everyone who has come into our home has said: “that is brilliant”. Because when we do homework, we were forever looking for one of those tiny sharpeners and losing them. I had it last spring and bought this. Now we have the sharpest pencils on the block.

Gilmore Girls Companion 

If you are just getting into GG for the first time, you need this book.


Okay, I lied. Essential oils didn’t change my life. This salve did. My parents bought some in Amish country a few years ago and were hooked ever since. It has helped everything from migraines, aches, and pains, fever, and even dry cracked feet. I have had the same jar since 2014 and am just now getting to where I need to order more. You need this in your life.


This post has Amazon Associate links. That means if you purchase anything after clicking the link, I get a percentage of it. They are not, however, paying me to tell you all the above because Lord Jesus if I don’t love my Unkers. And coffee. 


10 thoughts on “Comfortable Pants are Why I’m Not a Supermodel”

  1. I say, whatever makes you feel better, do it. (I read your blog. Works every. Single. Time.) I hope the world is kinder to you this week. Sending you love all the way from Oregon.


  2. No photo of your haircut? Or is that it in the tiny comment screen? Cute!! So many things to respond to in this post, but I’ll focus on one – I think you sold me on the Unkers.


    1. The Unkers is amazing, trust me. But apparently I don’t know what I am doing with Amazon, so you can buy it anywhere lol.
      Also, I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.


  3. I love how yoga pants accept us the way we are, the more flexible ones in our relationships-always willing to give and stretch themselves for us!

    Oils! Must try oils…must change my life forever!

    Feel I might need that empty nest book, but just the thought of it being appropriate at all makes me sad. I did however just finish reading the book The Nest…totally unrelated, but I am working up to a good old fashioned ramble here!

    I just used Amazon to send my son’s apartment a case of paper towels. I am sure he is going to love lugging that box of purely practical goods!

    Oh, and I am sorry you had a shitty week, and that I just got around to getting here.

    Hair, oh there cannot possibly be enough room in this comment space for me to lament about my hair or carry on about the envy I have for yours!


    1. I think you will love oils and I am only going off this by the fact that you and I share so many things in common.
      And that book is something you really need.
      Or just wait until I finish it and I can mail it to you.



  4. I love this, and the post I published today is eerily similar. How are we twins?! I am so glad I found your blog, your post are so funny and thoughtful, and they inspire me. You write, as I am guessing you speak, or at least at you think, and that is so refreshing. That was one of my biggest goals with my new blog, and reading yours inspires me for mine!


    1. I just commented on yours just moments ago and I am now 40 dollars poorer, and I couldn’t be happier. I am gonna smell and feel fab in two days!

      I feel the exact same way about you. I am SO glad I found your blog and you. 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s