I’ve read enough DIY blogs to know that whatever I make is, at best, mediocre.
In fact, one could argue that my once DIY blog has nothing to do with DIY any longer.
Unless, of course, DIY stood for Dammit! Ick! Yikes! which is exactly my approach to any DIY problem I try to solve on my own.
I am good at decorating. I’m not very good at painting. And, for the sake of every undisturbed item of furniture in my house, I must surrender my paintbrush. Because it’s disrespectful to the furniture if the after looks worse than the before.
I’ve been sharing my furniture painting projects since approximately 2012, starting with a kitchen table, then the kitchen chairs we found on the side of the road, a record cabinet I’ve had since 8th grade, and don’t forget the bachelor pad garage sale end tables, a coffee table, and a desk.
But here’s why I chose to subject my family to the agony of ugly furniture: I’m cheap as f***.
So our nightstands were ugly.
Ugly as f***.
The tops had almost completely worn down to the original “wood.”
I say “wood” because I have no idea what these are made of. Mike bought this furniture for his den of sin bachelor pad in 2003. He discovered a “furniture store” that was “going out of business.”*
*For four consecutive years.
The store was the retail equivalent of buying something off the back of a truck parked on the side of the road.
However, because it was a “good deal,” he purchased the entire bedroom suite, including a sleigh bed that is no longer with us.
A moment of silence, please.
“I’m going to paint those nightstands,” I told my husband.
To which he laughed.
It’s not that funny.
How could I possibly make this any worse than it already was?
If you have to ask that question, you shouldn’t be doing a painting project in the first place.
From a distance, it looks good. But let’s move in.
A little closer.
See when you buy furniture off a truck, it’s not meant to last long enough for you to re-paint it.
So I had to violently pull the damn drawers out to paint them, and now they are mad at me. So, they are making a point by not going back in.
These stupid things have been back in our room for under two months and there is already a nick. Or two. Or three.
That’s okay. I just cover the nicks with books I never read. I chose a “religious” offering because I think the ugly ass nightstand is possessed. I just used the words “ass” and “religious” together. That must be a first. DID I MENTION HOW MUCH I HATE TO PAINT FURNITURE?
So, if we win the lottery and have enough money to buy new nightstands, I plan to give these ones away. Because nothing is worse than looking at your errors of judgement and regrets every night before you go to sleep.
This must be how Melania Trump feels.