Decorating, Humor, Life

I Hate Painting Furniture

Writer McWriterson

I’ve read enough DIY blogs to know that whatever I make is, at best, mediocre.

In fact, one could argue that my once DIY blog has nothing to do with DIY any longer.

Unless, of course, DIY stood for Dammit! Ick! Yikes! which is exactly my approach to any DIY problem I try to solve on my own.

I am good at decorating. I’m not very good at painting. And, for the sake of every undisturbed item of furniture in my house, I must surrender my paintbrush. Because it’s disrespectful to the furniture if the after looks worse than the before.

I’ve been sharing my furniture painting projects since approximately 2012, starting with a kitchen table, then the kitchen chairs we found on the side of the road, a record cabinet I’ve had since 8th grade, and don’t forget the bachelor pad garage sale end tables, a coffee table, and a desk.

But here’s why I chose to subject my family to the agony of ugly furniture: I’m cheap as f***.

So our nightstands were ugly.

Ugly as f***.

The tops had almost completely worn down to the original “wood.”

I say “wood” because I have no idea what these are made of. Mike bought this furniture for his den of sin bachelor pad in 2003. He discovered a “furniture store” that was “going out of business.”*

*For four consecutive years.

The store was the retail equivalent of buying something off the back of a truck parked on the side of the road.

However, because it was a “good deal,” he purchased the entire bedroom suite, including a sleigh bed that is no longer with us.

A moment of silence, please. 

“I’m going to paint those nightstands,” I told my husband.

To which he laughed.

And laughed.

And laughed.

It’s not that funny.

How could I possibly make this any worse than it already was?

If you have to ask that question, you shouldn’t be doing a painting project in the first place.



From a distance, it looks good. But let’s move in.

nightstand

A little closer.

See when you buy furniture off a truck, it’s not meant to last long enough for you to re-paint it.

So I had to violently pull the damn drawers out to paint them, and now they are mad at me. So, they are making a point by not going back in.

These stupid things have been back in our room for under two months and there is already a nick. Or two. Or three.

WHATEVER.

Also, I didn’t pay $8.79. I want to know if Heaven is Real, but I don’t want to pay full price to find out.

That’s okay. I just cover the nicks with books I never read. I chose a “religious” offering because I think the ugly ass nightstand is possessed. I just used the words “ass” and “religious” together. That must be a first. DID I MENTION HOW MUCH I HATE TO PAINT FURNITURE?

So, if we win the lottery and have enough money to buy new nightstands, I plan to give these ones away. Because nothing is worse than looking at your errors of judgement and regrets every night before you go to sleep.

This must be how Melania Trump feels.

31 thoughts on “I Hate Painting Furniture”

  1. I share your frustration and hatred for furniture painting my friend. I once, no twice, attempted to paint am Ikea coffee table and it laughed at me. It peeled and bubbled with laughter.

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  3. Just when I thought I couldn’t love this post more, you dropped the final line. Who needs to be able to paint furniture when you can write like you? And FWIW, I think you likely reveLes the secret to most bloggers’ successful paint projects–dont look up close!

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  4. Hmmm…this reminds me that there is a draft of a post of a table I painted and called a nightstand. See how inspirational you are?!?! DIY-Damn Inspirational Yeah!!! The sleigh bed must have been super fancy, by the way

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    1. I should be one of those motivational speakers who tours off-price retail outlets spreading the news that YOU CANNOT PAINT OVER CRAP FURNITURE SO MAKE YOUR CHOICES WISELY.
      And I like your definition of DIY much better than mine.

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  5. Aww Kari, it doesn’t look that bad. I have a dresser that is 27 years old. A pine from Ikea back when they made furniture with real wood. This was in my boys room and they demolished it. We had to put it back together with nails. And some of them are sticking out now. I like to call it the dresser with loads of character. Oh and our drawers refuse to fit back in too. It must be a thing. 😉

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  6. There are no words to express how much this had me cracking up! Painting furniture can be very hard and I understand the 1, 2, 3, or more nicks. I used to sell painted furniture at a consignment shop and it NEVER failed, we’d always hit it on something and ruin all the hard work. I love how honest you are 😀

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    1. It is SO hard! I don’t even know why I thought it would be a good idea to begin with.
      I love that you continually visit and comment on my blog. That means a lot to me. 🙂

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  7. HAHA! This cracked me up! Hey Even if it’s nicked up……shabby chic right? I liked your post… thanks for keeping it real! saw it through the funtastic friday link party. First time here:)

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  8. You really didn’t provide the inspiration I needed to paint the desk that’s been sitting in my front room for 2 months rotting. But I think your nightstand turned out cute!

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  10. Oh my. The nightstands are rejecting the paint!
    But wait, didn’t you just paint them green? With spray paint? Did that stick?
    I was on a painting spree a few years ago and painted anything Pine in my house. I made chalk paint and it worked really well. Have you tried that? I don’t want to make you start something again, but it was much easier for me.
    So, is heaven real? This is a question that I’d like to have an answer to before I continue on with this whole life thing.
    “This must be how Melania Trump feels.”
    That line killed me!! 😉

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    1. Rejecting the paint! That is perfect. Yes, I did spray paint them! That post is coming on Monday.

      I have no idea if Heaven is real but I do know that in this lifetime painting is not going to be my niche. 😂

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  14. I was going to say the same thing as Joanne – I have never painted furniture because I think it is too much of a process and they have used stuff that looks great on FB garage sale groups. I don’t think these look so bad (from a distance). Lad wrote
    Reg’s name in deodorant on the side of their bunk bed over a decade ago. Guess what? When you write something on furniture in deodorant, it removes the stain. The drawers do look a little off kilter close up. Maybe just keep your distance? 🙂 Love the Trump comment – gold, pony boy,. gold! This comment may have made no sense. Just returned from Ed’s fraternity mom’s weekend and I cannot see straight – too tired.

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  15. I could not love this post more than I already do. I missed reading your blog! And what was stopping me, you ask? ….opening Feedly and clicking on your blog 🤦‍♀️ I don’t know why I stop reading, when I stop writing. Well, at least you know I’m back in the blogging world when I start commenting again! Anyhoo, I’m off to read part two!

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