First published November 20th, 2017
For the past ten years I’ve been going through perimenopause. Just kidding, it’s only been two years. It just feels like ten years. Because the symptoms of perimenopause are SUCKING MY SOUL RIGHT OUT OF MY BODY.
There are 34 symptoms of menopause, according to the website 34 Menopause Symptoms Dot Com (yes, it’s an actual website). They must have chosen to create a website to warn women that, just when you think you have enough to worry about as a female, you also receive thirty-four “gifts” when your period goes away.
Being a woman is a glorious thing.
Rather than simply complaining (because I got complaints), I decided to have some fun with the list as well.
In honor of Generation X’s transition through the change, I’ve linked 80’s music with each symptom.
1- Hot Flashes: I could be wearing a tank top in the freezer section of my local grocery store in January and I still break a sweat.
Flashdance- What a Feeling by Irene Cara
2- Night Sweats: Husband: “Did you take a shower before coming to bed?” Me:” No. Why?“
I Melt with You by Modern English or Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil.
3- Irregular Periods: I get my period every two weeks, which means I’ve had perpetual PMS for the past two years.
Who Can it Be Now? by Men at Work or Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper.
4- Loss of libido: Because I would rather read, water my plants, eat, do my taxes. ANYTHING other than have sex right now. Sorry honey, sex is what retirement is for.
With or Without You by U2.
5- Vaginal dryness: It’s not fun to walk around naked while sounding like you’re wearing corduroy pants. And also a significant reason for number four.
High and Dry by Def Leppard OR Walk Like an Egyptian by The Bangles
6- Mood swings: I’m all over the place right now. One moment I’m jogging through a field of daisies declaring how much I love my life, and the next thing I know, I want to cut a bitch for walking on my favorite treadmill at the gym.
Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
7- Fatigue: Did I mention how exhausting it is to walk on a treadmill? Or taking a shower? Or what about eating? Or simply existing?
All Night Long by Lionel Richie
8- Hair loss or thinning: Phew, I’m glad I don’t have this. Wait, what’s that large clump of hair in the drain?
Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson
9- Sleep disorders: I have to get up every two hours to urinate. When I finally get back to sleep, I have a hot flash or a night sweat (not sure which) and my bed is drenched in perspiration. Once I change my pajamas, I’m unable to get back to sleep again. Good thing I have my husband’s chainsaw snores to keep me company.
No Sleep til’ Brooklyn by The Beastie Boys
10- Difficulty concentrating: What were we even talking about?
I Keep Forgetting by Michael McDonald
11- Memory lapses: No. For real.
Don’t You Forget About Me by Simple Minds
12- Dizziness: I had vertigo throughout the summer and blamed it on the altitude in Utah. I guess it’s simply part of being a woman. Chromosomes are awesome.
You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive
13- Weight gain: In pictures, it looks like my neck ate my face.
Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran
14- Incontinence: Put me in a nursing home and call me leaky.
The Rain by Oran “Juice” Jones
WHY DIDN’T ANYONE WARN US ABOUT ALL THIS BULL#%$#
15- Bloating: Does anyone have a pin? JUST POP IT. I’M BEGGING.
I’m Coming Out by Diana Ross
16- Allergies: I take Zyrtec all year now.
Under Pressure by David Bowie and Queen
17- Brittle nails: They break all the damn time.
Push It by Salt and Pepa (as in cuticles)
18- Changes in body odor: I’m only on number 18??
Nasty by Janet Jackson
19- Irregular heartbeat: This symptom was the reason I had to wear an “event monitor” for a month during the holiday season. Ho. Ho. Ho.
Heartbeat by Don Johnson
20- Depression: We are only on #20, and I’ve experienced all but two of the symptoms. This IS depressing.
21- Anxiety- See also #19. Also, I believe that weed has the potential to solve the majority of these problems.
Pass the Dutchie by Musical Youth
22- Irritability- I am not tolerant of people who are overly joyful.
Oh wait. I was like this before perimenopause.
The Homecoming Queen’s Got a Gun by Julie Brown
I BLAME MEN. JUST. I BLAME MEN.
23- Panic disorder- Well, I didn’t think I had it, but now I’m terrified that I do.
Somebody’s Watching Me by Rockwell
24- Breast pain- I don’t have this, but give it a little time….
Tenderness by General Public
25- Headaches: Have I mentioned before that I have headaches?
King of Pain by The Police
26- Joint pain- I’m going through perimenopause not getting an AARP card. Pshaw!
Oh shit, that’s in two years.
Do You Really Want to Hurt Me by Culture Club
27- Burning tongue: What. The. Actual. Hell.
Chariots of Fire by The Vangelis
28- Electric shock sensation: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL?
Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant
29- Digestive problems: Every time I poop, it feels like I’m giving birth to a two-pound waste baby.
Solid (As a Rock) by Ashford and Simpson
I GET WHY NO ONE TOLD US ABOUT THIS BULL&$*%.
30- Gum problems: I actually had gum therapy a few years ago to treat a gum infection, which is not as fun as it sounds. I now realize it was probably due to perimenopause.
Maneater by Hall and Oates
31- Muscle tension- You know, from all the labor pooping (see #29) and vaginal corduroy walking (see #5).
Pulling Mussels (From a Shell) by Squeeze
32- Itchy, crawly skin- I feel like dousing myself in lube or taking a flea bath.
Can’t Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon
33-Tingling extremities- Am I dying? I’m dying, aren’t I?
Broken Wings by Mister Mister
34- Osteoporosis- SUPER.
Things Can Only Get Better by Howard Jones
Really, it’s not that bad. Really.
Welcome to the Jungle.
Enjoy this playlist of all of the above songs.
Are you going through perimenopause? Let’s commiserate in the comment section.
29 thoughts on “Did You Know There Are 34 Menopause Symptoms?”
Yep. Yep. YEP.
I HATE it. Unfortunately I wear hippie head bands for a reason this past year. #8. And because of# 32 & 16 I can no longer eat popcorn.
And I miss sleep. Like really, really miss sleep. And my hair. ?
I MISS IT SO MUCH.
Came across this and thought it was hilarious. I told my husband I found my menopause twin. Please keep the music rolling.
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Menopause twin! I love it. 😘
This is like every ailment in the book! Haven’t we suffered enough with PMS, the crimson wave, pregnancy, and delivering babies??!!!
So, I’ve technically been menopausal since I was 40, when all the equipment came out. I’ve been on HRT since then, and actually mostly confused about what constitutes menopause. Last time in I asked my doctor when that would be happening for me or how it would work which is when I learned: 1) I’ve been in menopause for 12 years; and 2) It’s not something you go through and then it ends–those body changes are just kinda how it is, forever; and 3) she’s not so sure it’s about changing hormones as just simple aging (because I’m having more than a few of those lovelies on your list, even though my hormone levels haven’t changed). Oh, and 4: Just in case it is hormonal and won’t ever end, I don’t ever want to go off them. Ever.
Yeah, it’s great being a girl. And this post made me laugh, (especially #4) so thank you. 🙂
If I couldn’t laugh, I wouldn’t be here. 🙂
Oh Kari that was hilariously depressing. I have so many of these symptoms and I’m still in my thirties ? I had to watch Jennifer Beals strutting her leotard body just to cheer myself up. Bless you for that.
I started menopause early, so I can feel your pain. Quite literally.
As long as we have music and a sense of humor, I think we will be good. 🙂
Oh good gracious me!!!! I a, melting with you! (and nearly peeing my pants, but luckily not due to incontinence, but rather the laughing…hope that mood doesn’t swing too hard in five minutes). I really did not know some of this “joy” I was experiencing had to with The Final Countodnw (duh nuh nuh nuh-duh nuh nutnuh nuh)
Now I can’t get that song out of my head.
It’s so good knowing I am not going through it alone. 🙂
Good God! 34 is entirely too many symptoms.
Also, I sweat in the winter now, I am going to be a wet mop when I go through menopause.
One trick I learned about hot flashes is that if you cool your head, they don’t last as long. A long while back my mom had hot flashes and I would fan her head, which apparently helped. I’m not if it works for everyone, but maybe pick up some hand fans that you can bust out when the internal temp starts to rise 🙂
I started having hot flashes WHILE also having the flu o’ death this winter. So imagine how much fun that was. Trying to decide if I had spiked a fever or just am going through the miraculous change of seasons.
My mom got me a little personal fan that I attach to my phone!!! OMG BEST GIFT EVER.
So very true….thankyou for this post. Menopause can get u down….why me lord….but this post made me laugh out loud and the song choices…superb.
My go to for hot flashes was always “Flash Waaahaa” (Queen) and for weight gain it’s “Shake your Booty” (is that KC & Sunshine Band??)
I wish you ,me and all others in the “Good Ship
Menopause” happiness & giggles often.
Don’t let this awkward fact of life stop us being the fab-u-lous crazy assed ladies we have always been???
Exactly!! If we can’t laugh, then we got nuthin’!! Thanks for the smile and thank you for reading! 🙂
Reblogged this on .
I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry! I love these song choices though and was aware of quite a few of these symptoms but not all of them (thankfully!). Some of these sound downright scary. I am both looking forward to and dreading my hysterectomy because it is this weird feeling of what on Earth will my body be like after? I’m mean it’s not like I recognize a whole hell of a lot of it now as my body no longer seems like it’s “me” but why do we get to enjoy utter hell from basically 12/13 years old on?? Haven’t we suffered enough?! Ugh! Thanks for the smiles though (and now I have some great songs stuck in my head!).
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So I can tell you now (since I am almost done with all of this), that you won’t get ALL of these symptoms. But if we don’t laugh, then we won’t make it through and the best part is that you aren’t alone. 🙂
I snort laughed when I got to eighteen because I had a similar thought (except it’s three symptoms I don’t have). I’m not getting hot flashes or night separate which sounds awesome but actual I read somewhere that if you don’t suffer them, hormonal therapy won’t do didly for you.
Also, my period could just end now. It’s so damn irregular and I can go 3 months with nothing and then my uterus yells “did you miss me??!!!”and I have an awful, crampy period. And then another one 3 weeks later. And then maybe nothing for another 134 days
So they aren’t doing hormonal therapy as much because they are learning that it can cause breast cancer and stroke in some women, so they are backing away from that option and not using it like they used to. SO it is making menopause symptoms a lot harder to deal with, which is why I think women are now talking more about it because before, women would just take hormones and not feel ALL THE THINGS like they are feeling now without the hormones. Having no or lower estrogen is a tough adjustment when your body is used to having it.
YESSSS TO THISSSS. No one tells you thissss. Which is why I am writing a book…..stay tuned. 🙂
I didn’t know there were 34 symptoms, so *yay* about that. I like all of your music choices, but especially like #27. That burning tongue thing means I get to tell people off then run away, right?
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Yes, it does. See? You found the positive! I knew I liked you best.
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Well this is informative. I had no idea. I wonder if I can claim dizziness from menapause to avoid cleaning the house. Well, I haven’t used an excuse before so maybe I just keep my mouth shut. I especially enjoyed With or Without You and Walk Like an Egypician. You are way more tuned into 80’s music than I am and I do so enjoy reminiscing about these songs! So clever.
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YES. Always, always claim menopause. From the ages of 40-60.
I’m 4 years in to menopause and have had very few of the symptoms listed, but I did have breast pain and no one ever bothered to tell me that was a symptom. What I will say is that after menopause, my body fell apart . . . Hashimoto’s, kidney stone, Meibomian gland dysfunction, breast calcifications requiring biopsies. It’s been a real blast!
Genius music choices!
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Sorry for the double post! I reposted this on your current post.
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That’s okay, I doubled the comment as well. 😉
The hardest part of all of this is that every female is different, so we can’t even bond over a shared experience.