menopause, 80s
Humor, Life, Link Party, Menopause, Music

Did You Know There Are 34 Menopause Symptoms?


First published November 20th, 2017


I have gone through menopause for the past ten years. Just kidding, it’s only been like two, it just feels like ten.

Because the symptoms of menopause are SUCKING MY SOUL RIGHT OUT OF MY BODY. According to the website 34 Menopause Symptoms Dot Com (yes, it’s a real website. I think), there are indeed 34. They must have decided to create a website to inform others that just when you think you have enough things to worry about in your life as a woman, you also get thirty-four gifts at the end of your period, kind of like a hormonal Hanukkah.

Being a woman is a glorious thing.

So instead of bitching and moaning, I decided to have fun with the list.

In honor of my generation going through the change, I paired 80’s songs with each symptom.

Aren’t you glad you know me?


menopause, 80s


1- Hot Flashes: It’s hot. Like all the fucking time. I could be in the freezer section of my local Aldi and still be so hot that I feel like I am on the back-end of a flu bug.  Flashdance- What a Feeling by Irene Cara

2- Night Sweats: “Did you take a shower before bed? No. Why?”  I Melt with You by Modern English OR Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil (who knew the ’80s would be so prophetic?)

3- Irregular Periods: I get my period every two weeks so if you do the math, that means I have been in perpetual PMS for the past two years. Who Can it Be Now? by Men at Work OR  Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper

4- Loss of libido:  Because you’d rather do things like read or water your plants or eat. Sorry honey, sex is what retirement is for.  With or Without You by U2.   

5- Vaginal dryness: It’s no fun walking around naked and sounding like you are wearing corduroy pants. And also a big reason for number four.  High and Dry by Def Leppard OR Walk Like an Egyptian by The Bangles  (depending on your level of dryness)

6- Mood swings: Since I can’t take hormones because of my raging menopause migraines, I am a mess. One day, I am running through a field of daisies proclaiming how much I love my life, and the next day, I am Rambo carrying a GUN OF SOME SORT through the jungle ready to kill innocent bunnies. (I’ve never watched Rambo)   Eye of the Tiger by Survivor

7- Fatigue: That’s code for I AM SO FUCKING TIRED.   All Night Long by Lionel Richie

8- Hair loss or thinning: I am lucky that I don’t have this but I guess it’s something to look forward to, fingers crossed.  Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson 

9- Sleep disorders:  I am sleeping like I have a newborn baby. Up every two-three hours, most likely because of my flu-like hot flashes.   No Sleep til’ Brooklyn by The Beastie Boys

10- Difficulty concentrating: What were we talking about?  I Keep Forgetting by Michael McDonald

11- Memory lapses: No. For real. WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?   Don’t You Forget About Me by Simple Minds

12- Dizziness: I had vertigo all summer and blamed it on altitude in Utah. There went that theory.   You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive

13- Weight gain: I look like my chin ate my face.   Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran

14- Incontinence: Put me in the nursing home already and call me leaky.  The Rain by Oran “Juice” Jones

15- Bloating:  BEING A WOMAN IS SUCH A JOY.   I’m Coming Out by Diana Ross

16- Allergies: I am taking Zyrtec all year long now.   Under Pressure by David Bowie and Queen

17- Brittle nails: I don’t ever pay attention to my nails so I have no clue.   Push It by Salt and Pepa (as in cuticles, duh)

18- Changes in body odor: WE ARE ONLY AT NUMBER 18??   Nasty by Janet Jackson

19- Irregular heartbeat:  This symptom ended me up in the hospital over the last Christmas break.  “IT’S FINE, JUST A LADY GOING THROUGH THE LIFE CHANGE. NOTHING TO SEE HERE”   Heartbeat by Don Johnson 

20- Depression: WE ARE ONLY AT NUMBER 20 AND I HAVE ALL BUT TWO OF THE SYMPTOMS. YOU WOULD BE DEPRESSED TOO.   Shout by Tears for Fears

21- Anxiety- See # 19. Also, I think all of my problems could simply be solved with weed.  Pass the Dutchie by Musical Youth

22- Irritability- I am not tolerant of overly joyous people. Oh wait, I was like this before menopause.   The Homecoming Queen’s Got a Gun by Julie Brown

23- Panic disorder- Well, I didn’t think I had this but now I am in a panic thinking I might.   Somebody’s Watching Me by Rockwell

24- Breast pain-  I don’t have this but I am really hoping I turn a corner with this one soon.  Tenderness by General Public

25- Headaches: Have I mentioned I have headaches?   King of Pain by The Police 

26- Joint pain- I am going through menopause, not getting an AARP card. Oh shit, that’s in two yearsDo You Really Want to Hurt Me by Culture Club

27- Burning tongue: I don’t have this but I wish I did.   Chariots of Fire by The Vangelis

28- Electric shock sensation: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL?  Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant 

29- Digestive problems: Every time I poop, it feels like I am giving birth to a two-pound waste baby.   Solid (As a Rock) by Ashford and Simpson 

30- Gum problems: I actually had a gum infection a few years ago that I had treated with gum therapy which is not at ALL as fun as it sounds.  Maneater by Hall and Oates 

31- Muscle tension- Probably from all the labor pooping and vaginal corduroy walking.   Pulling Mussels (From a Shell) by Squeeze

32- Itchy, crawly skin- My skin is always dry and itchy and I feel as though I need to douse myself in lube or take a flea dip.   Can’t Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon 

33-Tingling extremities- Am I dying? I’m dying, aren’t I?   Broken Wings by Mister Mister 

34- Osteoporosis- SUPER.    Things Can Only Get Better by Howard Jones

 

Really, it’s not that bad. Really.

Welcome to the Jungle.


Enjoy this playlist of all of the above songs.

 

Are you going through “the change”? Let’s commiserate in the comment section. 

 

 

25 thoughts on “Did You Know There Are 34 Menopause Symptoms?”

  1. Yep. Yep. YEP.

    I HATE it. Unfortunately I wear hippie head bands for a reason this past year. #8. And because of# 32 & 16 I can no longer eat popcorn.

    And I miss sleep. Like really, really miss sleep. And my hair. ?

    Like

  2. So, I’ve technically been menopausal since I was 40, when all the equipment came out. I’ve been on HRT since then, and actually mostly confused about what constitutes menopause. Last time in I asked my doctor when that would be happening for me or how it would work which is when I learned: 1) I’ve been in menopause for 12 years; and 2) It’s not something you go through and then it ends–those body changes are just kinda how it is, forever; and 3) she’s not so sure it’s about changing hormones as just simple aging (because I’m having more than a few of those lovelies on your list, even though my hormone levels haven’t changed). Oh, and 4: Just in case it is hormonal and won’t ever end, I don’t ever want to go off them. Ever.

    Yeah, it’s great being a girl. And this post made me laugh, (especially #4) so thank you. 🙂

    Like

  3. Oh Kari that was hilariously depressing. I have so many of these symptoms and I’m still in my thirties ? I had to watch Jennifer Beals strutting her leotard body just to cheer myself up. Bless you for that.

    Like

  4. Oh good gracious me!!!! I a, melting with you! (and nearly peeing my pants, but luckily not due to incontinence, but rather the laughing…hope that mood doesn’t swing too hard in five minutes). I really did not know some of this “joy” I was experiencing had to with The Final Countodnw (duh nuh nuh nuh-duh nuh nutnuh nuh)

    Like

  5. Good God! 34 is entirely too many symptoms.

    Also, I sweat in the winter now, I am going to be a wet mop when I go through menopause.

    One trick I learned about hot flashes is that if you cool your head, they don’t last as long. A long while back my mom had hot flashes and I would fan her head, which apparently helped. I’m not if it works for everyone, but maybe pick up some hand fans that you can bust out when the internal temp starts to rise 🙂

    Like

    1. THANK YOU.

      I started having hot flashes WHILE also having the flu o’ death this winter. So imagine how much fun that was. Trying to decide if I had spiked a fever or just am going through the miraculous change of seasons.

      My mom got me a little personal fan that I attach to my phone!!! OMG BEST GIFT EVER.

      Like

  6. So very true….thankyou for this post. Menopause can get u down….why me lord….but this post made me laugh out loud and the song choices…superb.
    My go to for hot flashes was always “Flash Waaahaa” (Queen) and for weight gain it’s “Shake your Booty” (is that KC & Sunshine Band??)
    I wish you ,me and all others in the “Good Ship
    Menopause” happiness & giggles often.
    Don’t let this awkward fact of life stop us being the fab-u-lous crazy assed ladies we have always been???

    Like

  7. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry! I love these song choices though and was aware of quite a few of these symptoms but not all of them (thankfully!). Some of these sound downright scary. I am both looking forward to and dreading my hysterectomy because it is this weird feeling of what on Earth will my body be like after? I’m mean it’s not like I recognize a whole hell of a lot of it now as my body no longer seems like it’s “me” but why do we get to enjoy utter hell from basically 12/13 years old on?? Haven’t we suffered enough?! Ugh! Thanks for the smiles though (and now I have some great songs stuck in my head!).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So I can tell you now (since I am almost done with all of this), that you won’t get ALL of these symptoms. But if we don’t laugh, then we won’t make it through and the best part is that you aren’t alone. 🙂

      Like

  8. I snort laughed when I got to eighteen because I had a similar thought (except it’s three symptoms I don’t have). I’m not getting hot flashes or night separate which sounds awesome but actual I read somewhere that if you don’t suffer them, hormonal therapy won’t do didly for you.

    Also, my period could just end now. It’s so damn irregular and I can go 3 months with nothing and then my uterus yells “did you miss me??!!!”and I have an awful, crampy period. And then another one 3 weeks later. And then maybe nothing for another 134 days

    Like

    1. So they aren’t doing hormonal therapy as much because they are learning that it can cause breast cancer and stroke in some women, so they are backing away from that option and not using it like they used to. SO it is making menopause symptoms a lot harder to deal with, which is why I think women are now talking more about it because before, women would just take hormones and not feel ALL THE THINGS like they are feeling now without the hormones. Having no or lower estrogen is a tough adjustment when your body is used to having it.

      YESSSS TO THISSSS. No one tells you thissss. Which is why I am writing a book…..stay tuned. 🙂

      Like

  9. I didn’t know there were 34 symptoms, so *yay* about that. I like all of your music choices, but especially like #27. That burning tongue thing means I get to tell people off then run away, right?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Well this is informative. I had no idea. I wonder if I can claim dizziness from menapause to avoid cleaning the house. Well, I haven’t used an excuse before so maybe I just keep my mouth shut. I especially enjoyed With or Without You and Walk Like an Egypician. You are way more tuned into 80’s music than I am and I do so enjoy reminiscing about these songs! So clever.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s