First published November 20th, 2017
I have gone through menopause for the past ten years. Just kidding, it’s only been like two, it just feels like ten.
Because the symptoms of menopause are SUCKING MY SOUL RIGHT OUT OF MY BODY. According to the website 34 Menopause Symptoms Dot Com (yes, it’s a real website. I think), there are indeed 34. They must have decided to create a website to inform others that just when you think you have enough things to worry about in your life as a woman, you also get thirty-four gifts at the end of your period, kind of like a hormonal Hanukkah.
Being a woman is a glorious thing.
So instead of bitching and moaning, I decided to have fun with the list.
In honor of my generation going through the change, I paired 80’s songs with each symptom.
Aren’t you glad you know me?
1- Hot Flashes: It’s hot. Like all the fucking time. I could be in the freezer section of my local Aldi and still be so hot that I feel like I am on the back-end of a flu bug. Flashdance- What a Feeling by Irene Cara
3- Irregular Periods: I get my period every two weeks so if you do the math, that means I have been in perpetual PMS for the past two years. Who Can it Be Now? by Men at Work OR Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper
4- Loss of libido: Because you’d rather do things like read or water your plants or eat. Sorry honey, sex is what retirement is for. With or Without You by U2.
5- Vaginal dryness: It’s no fun walking around naked and sounding like you are wearing corduroy pants. And also a big reason for number four. High and Dry by Def Leppard OR Walk Like an Egyptian by The Bangles (depending on your level of dryness)
6- Mood swings: Since I can’t take hormones because of my raging menopause migraines, I am a mess. One day, I am running through a field of daisies proclaiming how much I love my life, and the next day, I am Rambo carrying a GUN OF SOME SORT through the jungle ready to kill innocent bunnies. (I’ve never watched Rambo) Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
7- Fatigue: That’s code for I AM SO FUCKING TIRED. All Night Long by Lionel Richie
8- Hair loss or thinning: I am lucky that I don’t have this but I guess it’s something to look forward to, fingers crossed. Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson
9- Sleep disorders: I am sleeping like I have a newborn baby. Up every two-three hours, most likely because of my flu-like hot flashes. No Sleep til’ Brooklyn by The Beastie Boys
10- Difficulty concentrating: What were we talking about? I Keep Forgetting by Michael McDonald
11- Memory lapses: No. For real. WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT? Don’t You Forget About Me by Simple Minds
12- Dizziness: I had vertigo all summer and blamed it on altitude in Utah. There went that theory. You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive
13- Weight gain: I look like my chin ate my face. Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran
14- Incontinence: Put me in the nursing home already and call me leaky. The Rain by Oran “Juice” Jones
15- Bloating: BEING A WOMAN IS SUCH A JOY. I’m Coming Out by Diana Ross
16- Allergies: I am taking Zyrtec all year long now. Under Pressure by David Bowie and Queen
17- Brittle nails: I don’t ever pay attention to my nails so I have no clue. Push It by Salt and Pepa (as in cuticles, duh)
18- Changes in body odor: WE ARE ONLY AT NUMBER 18?? Nasty by Janet Jackson
19- Irregular heartbeat: This symptom ended me up in the hospital over the last Christmas break. “IT’S FINE, JUST A LADY GOING THROUGH THE LIFE CHANGE. NOTHING TO SEE HERE” Heartbeat by Don Johnson
20- Depression: WE ARE ONLY AT NUMBER 20 AND I HAVE ALL BUT TWO OF THE SYMPTOMS. YOU WOULD BE DEPRESSED TOO. Shout by Tears for Fears
21- Anxiety- See # 19. Also, I think all of my problems could simply be solved with weed. Pass the Dutchie by Musical Youth
22- Irritability- I am not tolerant of overly joyous people. Oh wait, I was like this before menopause. The Homecoming Queen’s Got a Gun by Julie Brown
23- Panic disorder- Well, I didn’t think I had this but now I am in a panic thinking I might. Somebody’s Watching Me by Rockwell
24- Breast pain- I don’t have this but I am really hoping I turn a corner with this one soon. Tenderness by General Public
25- Headaches: Have I mentioned I have headaches? King of Pain by The Police
26- Joint pain- I am going through menopause, not getting an AARP card. Oh shit, that’s in two years. Do You Really Want to Hurt Me by Culture Club
27- Burning tongue: I don’t have this but I wish I did. Chariots of Fire by The Vangelis
28- Electric shock sensation: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL? Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant
29- Digestive problems: Every time I poop, it feels like I am giving birth to a two-pound waste baby. Solid (As a Rock) by Ashford and Simpson
30- Gum problems: I actually had a gum infection a few years ago that I had treated with gum therapy which is not at ALL as fun as it sounds. Maneater by Hall and Oates
31- Muscle tension- Probably from all the labor pooping and vaginal corduroy walking. Pulling Mussels (From a Shell) by Squeeze
32- Itchy, crawly skin- My skin is always dry and itchy and I feel as though I need to douse myself in lube or take a flea dip. Can’t Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon
33-Tingling extremities- Am I dying? I’m dying, aren’t I? Broken Wings by Mister Mister
34- Osteoporosis- SUPER. Things Can Only Get Better by Howard Jones
Really, it’s not that bad. Really.
Enjoy this playlist of all of the above songs.
Are you going through “the change”? Let’s commiserate in the comment section.