Molluscum Contagiosum

A few years ago, I scrubbed my blog of the screenplay I’d been working on. But recently, I was writing a post about Molluscum Contagiosum, and to explain it properly, I decided to share a scene from that screenplay again.

This time, though, I decided to ask ChatGPT for help. I asked for an honest review and some tips on making it better. ChatGPT said my screenplay was “Girls Trip meets Spinal Tap,” and now I’m thinking of changing the name entirely. 

Here’s what we came up with.

Regina (to Valerie): Seriously. First, we got stuck with Sherman, and now we’ve got ChatGPT thinking we’re a Girls Trip sequel. We might as well be wearing matching t-shirts that say, “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Valerie (to Regina): Oh, we’re so screwed.

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Scene Four: “Molluscum Contagiosum”

The plane lands at LAX, and Katherine, Valerie, and Regina make their way to the rental car counter. There, a sweet older woman with an equally sweet voice waits at the Avis Rent-A-Car desk. Imagine Edie McClurg here—because why not make dreams come true?

Katherine (to Edie McClurg) – Hi! I need to rent an extra-large van, please.
Edie McClurg (typing on her computer) – So… like a minivan?
Katherine – No… I really need a large-capacity van. I’m picking up lots of people in Los Angeles.
Edie McClurg (typing) – Alrighty. Just give me a sec, let’s see what I’ve got.

Regina (to Katherine) – We should definitely get the insurance. You know, just in case. (winks)
Katherine – Just in case what?
Valerie (interrupting) – One of those brat pack people tries anything funny.

Edie McClurg (glancing up suspiciously) – Are you girls… on the lam? I swear, I won’t say a word.
Valerie (to Edie) – You look familiar. Do I know you?
Katherine (to Edie) – OH, I KNOW YOU! Were you in Beaches? Wait, no—LA Law!
Edie McClurg – Nope.
Regina – Matlock. Didn’t you play Andy Griffith’s wife?
Valerie – Man, you must be really old.

Edie McClurg (gives Valerie a dirty look)
Regina – (To Edie) I don’t mean to rush you, but we’ve got an “appointment” (uses air quotes) in about 30 minutes.
Edie McClurg – Ooh! An “appointment” (uses air quotes)! Where are you three “headed”? (uses air quotes again)

They all look in three different directions, think for a second, then blurt out simultaneously:
All three – LA BREA TAR PITS!
All three – IN AND OUT BURGER!
All three – JOHN DENVER’S GRAVE!

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After some time, they roll out of LAX in a Ford Transit 15-passenger van. After navigating through LA traffic, they pull into the parking lot of the Best Western in Hollywood Hills. They’re here to meet Sherman Mertz, Judd Nelson’s agent from 1985. He’s waiting for them in the hotel coffee shop.

Katherine (to Sherman) – I’m so sorry we’re late! Thanks so much for meeting with us, Mr. Mertz.
Sherman (shrugging) – Thought I was being stood up. Wouldn’t be the first time, y’know?
Katherine (introducing her friends) – These are my friends Valerie and Regina.
Sherman – Nice to meet ya. I’m just here for the free coffee, so no pressure.
Valerie – You’re really generous with your time, Mr. Mertz.
Sherman – You’d be surprised how much time you have when you’re not busy doing anything.

Regina – We really appreciate this. We were hoping you could connect us with one of your former clients.
Sherman – Well, sure. What’s the scoop?
Katherine – Judd Nelson.
Sherman – Whoa, Judd Nelson? That guy was everywhere in the ‘80s. Can’t say I’ve heard from him in a long time though.
Regina – Is that so? We were told you worked with him.
Sherman – Oh, sure, but I’m not exactly on his Christmas card list these days. That guy was a lot to handle.

Katherine – We’ve heard rumors.
Sherman – Rumors, huh? I’ll tell you, the rumor mill in this business is louder than a Jetsons’ car. What rumors have you heard?
Valerie – Something about a… rash?*
Sherman (chuckling) – Oh yeah. Let me tell ya, that guy was always scratching something.
Katherine – Ugh, sounds terrible.
Sherman – Terrible doesn’t cover it. I saw that man put on more ointments than I’ve put on my face in my whole life. And that’s saying something, ‘cause I’m a lot older than you folks.

Regina – Do you know where we could find him?
Sherman – Oh, sure. I don’t know where he lives, but I do know his favorite drugstore. That’s probably where you’ll find him.
Katherine – Oh, thank you so much!
Sherman – Don’t thank me yet. I just hope you’re not looking for a happy reunion.
Valerie – Sounds promising.

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They head to the drugstore Sherman mentioned, in suburban Los Angeles. They park in the dark lot, contemplating their next move.

Valerie – What kind of rash do you think Judd Nelson has that hasn’t gone away in 30 years?
Katherine – We need to focus on the task at hand, not Judd Nelson’s 30-year rash.
Regina – Molluscum Contagiosum!
Valerie – Excuse you?
Regina – Molluscum Contagiosum. I googled it.
Katherine and Valerie (giving her a disgusted look)
Regina – There are even pictures…
Katherine – You are ruining my teenage heartthrob, one rash picture at a time.

After 45 minutes, a black Toyota Prius pulls into the back lot. A man steps out in a long trench coat, floppy hat, and biker boots. He scurries into the drugstore.

Valerie – Do you think that’s him?
Regina – All I know is if I were Judd Nelson, I wouldn’t be driving a Prius.
Katherine – Why not?
Regina – Because why drive a Prius if you’re Judd Fucking Nelson?
Valerie – Because Judd Fucking Nelson hasn’t worked since John Fucking Hughes.

They get out of the van and walk toward the store.

Katherine – That’s not true! He’s had roles since his John Hughes days! Like New Jack City and Suddenly Susan. I even saw him in a Hallmark movie a few years ago. And according to IMDB, quote “critics haven’t been kind to this misunderstood actor,” unquote.
Valerie – You have his hair inside your nightstand, don’t you?
Katherine – What? NO! I just did a little research before I left.
Regina (eyeing Valerie) – She has hair.

They duck down behind a bin of DVDs. Ironically, there’s a New Jack City DVD in the bin, and Regina holds it up.

Regina (teasing) – Kate! Your boyfriend!
Katherine – SHHH!

They see the man leave the store and follow him to his Prius. They start trailing him through the streets of suburban Los Angeles.

Valerie – Have we even considered the fact that this might not be Judd Nelson?
Katherine – What makes you say that?
Valerie – Just because a guy who looks like Judd Nelson pulls into a drugstore, doesn’t make him Judd Nelson.
Regina – Right? He might not even have a rash.
Valerie – Oh, I bet that sick fucker has a rash. That’s the story I’m sticking with.
Regina – What if that old guy wasn’t even his agent?
Valerie – Yeah, Kate, who was your “industry insider”?
Katherine (out loud to no one in particular) – Isn’t this exhilarating, girls? We’re on the lam! Just like the actress from Matlock said!
Regina – Who gave you the name, Kate?
Katherine – I got Sherman’s name from a Facebook group called ‘Actors Who Disappeared After the ‘80s.’ I got so deep into it, I accidentally messaged him thinking I was chatting with a guy from The Facts of Life. He didn’t respond, but then I found his email tucked into a thread about ‘What Ever Happened to Judd Nelson’s Hair?’”

Regina – That’s how you got his email? From a Judd Nelson thread?
Katherine – Yep. I spent three hours scrolling through memes about his mullet, then boom—Sherman’s contact info, like a treasure hidden in the depths of the internet. And now here we are.

Valerie (to Regina): We are SO screwed.

*Disclaimer: Just to clear things up—Judd Nelson does not, I repeat, does not have a rash in real life. Any rash-related references in this screenplay are purely fictional and intended for comedic purposes.