Anxiety, Birds, Childhood, Life, Soul Homework

Goodbye January

Kari

I’m sitting in my cozy chair, soaking in the January sun, with a cup of coffee in my hand and my dog curled in my lap. I stare out the window at the snow, the bare branches, the quiet, while soft music plays in the background. For a moment, everything feels still.

And I wonder why I’ve always hated winter.

Photo by Simon Berger on Pexels.com

I’ve loathed it for as long as I can remember. The cold, the darkness, the illness, the heaviness. I used to tell myself it was seasonal depression, even without a diagnosis. It felt easier to blame the season than to question the feeling.

But something shifted in me over the last few years. Last winter was the first time I noticed the small things.

Sunlight stretching across the floor. Warm blankets fresh from the dryer. My dogs curled up near the fireplace. Birds gathering in the bare trees, returning again and again to the feeder. Sleeping in a little later. Eating more oranges.

Small, quiet comforts.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

As I sit here now, looking out at the winter landscape, something in me softens—and then, just as quickly, something opens. The realization comes suddenly, like I’ve been pulled out of a dream.

My dog lifts her head and licks the tears from my face as I begin to cry.

It was never just winter.

Winter held something for me.

A memory of sitting in that classroom. The silence. The disconnection. The way no one looked at me. The snow outside the window. The feeling I didn’t have words for at the time, but later understood as something close to agony. A kind of homesickness I couldn’t name.

Winter became the container for all of that.

For a long time, I thought it was the season I hated. That it had something against me.

But now I see it differently.

Now, I can sit in the light. Watch the birds. Feel the warmth of my dog in my lap. Notice the quiet.

Winter, maybe you’re not that bad after all.

Goodbye, January.

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28 thoughts on “Goodbye January”

  1. Kari you are Wise and Strong and Insightful. Seeing things clearly is power.

    For me Winter is warmth and love and exhilaration and freedom. I will share my winter with you any time friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Maddie.

      Now that I know my why, I’m going to appreciate February differently.

      Thank you for allowing me to share your winter with you, friend. I love the idea of warmth, love, exhilaration, and freedom. :)

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  6. I’m sorry to read that you experienced trauma in winter and now associate it with the season. The winter is officially half over soon, and every day brings back the sun and the warmth and inches us closer to spring. Hang in there, my friend!

    Deb

    Liked by 1 person

  7. How eye opening to find the root of your hate of winter…mine doesn’t have a root cause; I simply don’t like the cold, not being able to be outside too long, and the lack of sunlight. I love hanging outside on beautiful days and gardening and it staying light until almost 9 PM. Light makes me happier and energetic. The weather greatly affects my moods. For whatever reason though, this winter I’ve done better than usual. I take vitamin D, but I always have. Who knows…I’ll take it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I, too, miss being outside. I’m not as enthusiastic about my forest preserve walks as I once was. I always feel better afterwards, but I still can’t make myself do it. I heard someone suggest that it will only be 40-odd days till it is dark after 7 p.m. AND WE’VE FINALLY MADE IT THROUGH JANUARY.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I don’t despise winter but I really hate feeling wet and cold all the time. I have been working on changing my attitude about winter for the past few years and actually even enjoy it every now and then… when it’s not in the negatives and the snow isn’t multiple feet high. Hey, it’s a start!

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  9. What an incredible realization! It’s so powerful to come to the root of what is hurting us. You should be so proud of yourself, for figuring that out and making peace with something that isn’t going to change – winter is always going to come around, but it sounds like you are going to be able to face it with strength. xo

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  10. Wow. All your soul homework is paying off. Coming to the realization of why you feel the deep, dark, sadness is paramount. I hope you’ll be able to appreciate winter in a different light.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I find winter tough too, as I prefer to be outside . . . when it is warm, but you have identified a deeper, long running issue. Hoping that realizing your trouble with winter will help you to embrace it a bit more eventually. Being cozy with dogs and books can be a good thing. Says the woman who lives with a dog for the first time ever.

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  12. I don’t have much else to add. Others have already said it. I’m glad you had an epiphany. They are a gift, even when they hurt, aren’t they? I’ve always been more of a winter gal. Now, summer…she’s a different story for me. And that probably stems from early trauma, too. Sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Blessings my friend. Recognizing and releasing old fears and traumas is hard, but , as you have found, there is such peace on the other side. This is part of why I have not been writing for the last two months. This is the regeneration process of winter allowing each of us to compost old stuff to feed new growth.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, friend. I recently finished a book about trauma that has helped me in confronting past fears. It hasn’t been easy, but you are right. Time to get rid of the old and make room for the new.

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